Saturday, December 13, 2008

"Know Your Toil Is Not Vain.."

This afternoon caught me with my britches down and now I'm feeling a bit outta joint. What I really wanna be doing right now is grindin' up against somebody in a hot dance floor sweatin' my ass off, smokin' and drinkin' beer like crazy!

Alas, champagne and caviar dreams, sody-crackers and grape juice budget...

My mood is sinking. A slew of bad news in the mail today, enough to really make me wanna throw in the towel. Been trying to stay optimistic, be thankful, hopeful, but things continue to worsen. I'm just bummed. Now I'm worried about money even more and feel desperately alone. I might need to move back to Philly soon outta desperation. What a coup de grace for 2008, huh?

Dragging my arse back home with my tail in between my legs will do such wonders for my esteem. Joy! Why did life fall apart this year? I know everybody's going through hard times, but this sucks. I can't even inspire myself tonight. What can I do to get out of this predicament?

Simple. Keep being faithful.

Easily said. The spirit is willing, but my flesh is not weak, but tired. Shamefully, I'll admit I've shed more tears and spent more time pissed, frustrated, and confused than any other time in my life. And I know tomorrow is Sunday, just in time right? But to be honest, I don't think I can psyche myself for church tomorrow. My normal house of worship, the black church, well described the scenario there a few posts back. What's good about going to the gay church is I can be relaxed. However, my problem with "Rainbow Flag All Denominational Church" is I absolutely, absolutely, ABSOLUTELY hate the worship hymns!!!

Oh God! Now, I'm assuming my loyal brothers who read the blog have attended church once or twice in your lives. I'm also assuming you've been to churches of other denominations and ethnicity. So you know where I'm going with this. "RFADC" has the worst Christian music. I can't describe it any better without being slightly offensive. The music just doesn't do it for me. It has no soul, no life to it. How do I explain? It's contemporary yuppie Christian music, very reminiscent of Sandi Patti, Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith. Ewww....

When I give my praise, I wanna sing stuff coming from my soul. I'm used to hearing moanin' and groanin', the powerful shouts for Pastor to "Preach it!", the wonderfully inspiring music...the drums, bass, piano, and organ. I'm used to folks gettin' happy; folks being so moved the Holy Ghost they'll run up and down the aisles. Used to the old mothers yelling "Hallelujah!" or "Yes Jesus!"every 15 seconds or somebody sayin' "I know that's right" when they agreed with the pastor. "Rainbow Church" ain't got none of that! It's well mannered, well organized, nothing too outta place. It's not a bad church though.

The main reason I attend "Rainbow" from time to time is the Pastor gives good inspirational messages. Her sermon last week touched my heart. It was warm and comforting being in the presence of God with other individuals who share my so-called tarnished mark.

So I'm faced with a dilemma. I have three choices. Go to "Rainbow," go to "Black Folks Chuuuuch," or stay home and get my own praise on here. Hm? At this point, I really want the latter, but I know I need to chose one of the former. Dunno what's gonna happen. We'll see tomorrow morn I guess.


Corey said...

When going to the "Rainbow" church, or those that are scattered UNDER the rainbow, there are so many compromises we have to make. Like you, I can never be totally at ONE - even when the people are wonderful & welcoming and the blessing is in the message. Again like you, I totally relate when the message is not in the MUSIC! At least I'm not nervous like I normally am over at Black Folks Chuuuch, not knowing when something insulting or ignorant will come across the pulpit. I focus on the MESSAGE. Did it help me? Can I use it? And then I go home and play my own music, or play it before I leave, or throughout the week, or go to a gospel concert. We don't have to put on suits and ties over at Rainbow, while if you show up casual at Black Folks, they forget about "come as you are". And I remember all the reasons WHY I went to Rainbow in the first place!

michelbites said...

Thats my boy kaysha in that photo. We talk all the time. Very sexy, I wish he was gay... And he knows it also! LoL he is very cool person...


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