Thursday, January 31, 2008

Turn Your Head And Cough, Please...

I've not written for the last few days because I've been sick. Tuesday I was sent to the emergency room after my weekly physical therapy appointment.

I've been coughing a storm and my blood pressure was sky high, so taking no chances, my docs thought it best I rush over and get checked out. They wouldn't permit me to drive, I shouldn't anyway because my leg hasn't completely healed from my injury last Independence Day, so I had to call around to get someone to take me. That was an ordeal enough!

Finally, I got a hold of E.J., Bruce, and Hester. Hester was still at work, but between the three of them, they worked out something to get me to the ER. I'm indebted to them for their support and love!

Now let me tell you, sitting in the ER is never fun. What's worse, is unless you're on Death's door front, you know you're gonna be sitting there forever. I got to CGOH around 5:45 PM, sat, sat, and sat further still, until about 11:30 before being called back.

While waiting, I pondered my misfortune, got into a deep funk, and started feeling sorry for myself. My health condition has been on the mend for months. It's a delicate balance and if I'm not careful, I could really wind up in deep trouble. Watching countless people pour in, mostly due to cold and flu season, all I wanted to do was bolt outta there! I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, and I dare not have a cigarette unless I wanted become friends fast with the Angel of Death. My reason for being there was to not have a stroke or a heart attack.

Smoking? No smoking! Smoking very, very, very bad thing, mister!

I'll address the smoking thing later. Yes, I know, it's a nasty habit and I must quit, pronto! Unfortunately, I've two strikes against me. Because of my demographic, the cigarette industry marketing groups target the Black and gay community, so smoking is almost unavoidable. I started smoking when I was 16 and also had relatives who smoked. Mostly all my elders in my family smoked, all my grandparents, both my father and stepfather, my stepbrothers, Uncles, Aunts, on and on.

Everyone on my mother's family has managed to quit, with the exception for me and my younger sister's husband/boyfriend/baby daddy (whatever we're calling Redmond this week...another long story). I'm hooked, addicted, and getting this monkey off my back has been a bitch and a half. I've tried numerous times and always managed to restart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keeping trying until you beat the habit. I KNOW.

Bottom line is I'm not feeling too good emotionally or physically these days. I won't let it get me down however. I intend to kick the smoking habit and all my other ailments this year. Just bear with me. I'll post more info about my adventure at the hospital. Despite being sick, I was being little horn dog flirting with the cute PA who had to check my vitals. Cute Latino bruh, but he had a wedding ring on. Still, I had to be a little whorish, heh heh... and of course I have my little dissertation on race to post.

For those of you who taken the time to email, thank you. I value all your comments. Honorable mention goes to Aaron I want to thank for his continual praise on his blog and to Richard for his wise words of wisdom from someone who appears to have been in the trenches long before this man even knew what the racism, homophobia, and ignorance meant! I'm grateful for your perspective thus far and look forward to further conversations.

I will try to do several blog posts tonight. Until then, Be Blessed!


Monday, January 28, 2008

Goodbye Lieby...

I met Mike Lieberthal several times when he was playing catcher on the Philadelphia Phillies. He was, and still is, in my humble opinion, a well-rounded, respectable guy. He had a nice demeanor and was kind to this old "kid," taking the time to shake my hand and sign an autograph or so.

He and his battery mate, Randy Wolf, were two of my favorite players when they were with the Fightin's (one of Phillies numerous nicknames). Actually, I eventually got to meet Wolfy at a local "Phillies Caravan" event at the Harrisburg East Mall. Superb fellows, both of them. (It took three missed opportunities, but eventually I got to meet most of the guys on the 2000-2005 team...Todd Pratt, Ricky Lidee, Kevin Millwood, Lieby, Wolfy, Scott Rolen, Doug Glanville, Bobby Abreu, Jim Thome, Marlon Byrd, etc.)

Baseball has always been significant in my life. Some of my earliest memories trace back to my grandfather listenin' to the Orioles play on his radio, forever on besides his comfy chair, and him watchin' some other team on TV, usually the Braves, the Cubs, or any National League team. It was Pop-pop who taught me about the game of baseball, gave me history about the Negro Leagues, and the players who came before. Despite my strained relationship with my grandfather when he died, we shared the love of the game. It'll always be the one cherished item from my childhood.

After most of my father's family died in the 1990s, I gave up on baseball because it was too painful, the recollections from childhood pushed through. I was deep in therapy at that point and uncovering the excruciating reality of my past. Life wasn't a bag of peanuts or box of Cracker Jack's. Life was rough, dark, and opening doors I slammed shut. The truth was, my memories of baseball made me feel unsettled, yet happy.

When Miss T and I were married, I got reacquainted with the game. Learned to love it again. Allowed myself to heal. Baseball was again something I could obsess, love, rush home from work to catch, and spend hours doing. During this time, I went to games; started my tours of Baseball venues. The one thing Pop-pop and I never did when I was younger was go to a real professional game. DC in the 80s didn't a team. So believe it or not, my first game I ever went was to was in my 20s. Wanna guess what happened? I got to meet Lieby! My first game and I actually got to meet a player! Yeah got a little star crazy, but as I said, baseball brings out the child in me.

I was shocked when Miss T called saying Mike announced his retirement. I almost cried when she told me. My baseball icons gone back to Cali, now one is retiring.... noooooooooo!!!!
While he was in Philly, on a decline and injury prone, many a fan called for Mike to hang up his glove and cleats. They got their wish this year, he won't be back for the 2008 season. As the Phillies deconstructed, Lieby and Wolfy departed back to LA (their hometown), Bobby Abreu went to the Yankees, Cory Lidle, who had left, was killed in a plane crash, and other players were flying coop, I was crestfallen. As players got traded (or wanted to be traded), gradually I lost interest in the Phillies, except to catch Ryan Madsen , Jimmy "J-Roll" Rolins, or Ryan Howard play, I mostly watched in passing. My fan appreciation went to LA (deservedly so, Wolfy, Lieby, and Nomar, oh yeah!) and the Boston Red Sox.

The Phillies had and have major problems, but like any Philadelphia professional sports team, there are memorable moments moments. Who can forget Kevin Millwood's no hitter? Meeting Lieby was an awesome experience. I don't think there's a nicer guy who I've met celebrity-wise, and there's been quite a few folks from different walks of celebrity status: political, film, musician, and athlete, but I digress. No need for bragging, which I'm not, just emphasizing my point.

Some may question why I gravitated to a white guy? Well I suppose one could bring up rumors, but it's never been confirmed. I won't sully his image by speculating, it doesn't matter to me (but I think I know the deal). But no, it has nothing to do with race. Not really. It transcends that, just one "kid" meeting his hero. Even grown ups have heroes. We should never stop having them.

So you know,I do have many African American heroes, too many to mention. Let Miss T tell you about the Danny Glover experience (never double shake Ian, never)! Perhaps I'll blog about it another time. It's embarrassing, LOL.

I'm not sure if Leiby will make it into the Hall of Fame, I really couldn't tell you his stats, but when he left Philadelphia he was the longest tenured player on any professional sports team (Eagles, Sixers, Phillies, or Flyers!) He'll always be a hero in my book. My only hope now is the Phillies will see another World Series before I die.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Pardon the interruption...

because sometimes Life takes precedence. Nothing major going on, just things to do. Back tomorrow with updates including overdue queries on race and life. Perhaps even some eye candy too.

Posts, eye candy, who could ask for anything more?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

'Tis You I Sought, Now Myself I Seek

Evenings go so quickly, while days seem to drag on indefinitely...what's wrong with this picture? Life is about balance, not inequality, though the contrary may appear to be true.

I worked extra hours tonight, went to the grocery store, ate dinner, read, and now am sitting down to blog. Again, I'm delaying posting several thoughts written by hand to type when I have more time. There is no real sense of urgency, yet, I did want to share several of my personal experiences regarding race and growing up a person of color. Not sure why some of these posts have become requisite to publish, but in truth, its all apart of communicating the things deep inside, reaching out, and absolving myself of guilt and shameful issues which have been hindrances.

My mood is light, my thoughts unusually passionate. I can't explain where these emotions seed from. There's no one special on the peripheral radar, not since I tanked any notion Myjah would come around. We still talk, unlike Napoleon and I. Myjah makes an effort to be friendly and congenial where Napoleon has been selfish, arrogant, and a huge bore. We last talked a week ago, when he announced he had a new boyfriend. It's all about materialism and the outward appearence with Naps. Friendship are sometimes only for a season or two. I think I'm quickly out growing the need to keep him in my life. The immaturity is workin' and pullin' me down.

Like the rest of the parade of men to travel in and out of Darktomahawk's world, when the apex is reached with Napoleon, I will be blessed. Each man has had some lesson divined towards my quest. My friendship with Napoleon gave me a sense of security for a time, put love in my heart and proved the value, that I could love and want to settle down with someone on a permanent basis. He opened the door to feelings I hid too long; refused to allow myself to experience. Now at the conclusion of our friendship (looks that way with our current cold war status) I worry about the next stage in the game. Who's next before I reach Nirvana?

Coming to terms with self-identity, whether it be sexually, racially, physically, or emotionally is never an easy quest. Yet, I feel good (at least today) on the path I've travel thus far. I still have many footfalls to travel before I reach my destination, and from there even, a new journey will begin. Life is just several different journeys until we take out last breath. Never stop searching for what you can achieve. Enlightenment is out there, it'll just take time to find it....

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Cold Night & A Warm Book

Just getting in from watching American Idol with friends, I feel more at ease and comfortable with the show tonight. It wasn't as torturous as the previous week's episode. As always, some performances were good, some were freak shows, and others were downright embarrassing. Surprisingly, there were only two I had to leave the room due to sympathy embarrassment pangs.

I'm calling it an early evening tonight. Work was exhausting and I'm feeling sluggish. Rest assured three big, well thought, personal posts coming. Typing them out is what's delaying logging them. Usually, when I have something of substance to blog, I'll write it out by hand then transfer it onto the Axe.

Concentration is difficult; my thoughts repeatedly harbor on the words bed and sleep. The spirit (to blog) is willing, but the flesh is weak (and worn out). Gotta listen what's flowing through the veins and rest up. It's early, perhaps I'll take a short nap, wake up refreshed, then blog later. Uh-huh, riiiiiight!

This will be the scenario. More than likely I'll peruse a few pages from The Horse and His Boy, book three in the Chronicles of Narnia series. I'm reading light-hearted, but my next venture is go through and reread all the E. Lynn Harris novels, finish up the anthologies of Langston Hughes I was reading, then tear into the Eric Jerome Dickey books I haven't read. The last EJD book I read was Genevieve. Not his best work, but not the worse by far. My favorite Dickey novel was Milk In My Coffee. Perhaps I'll add that to the list of rereads along with Darieck Scott's Traitor To The Race, Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True, and Alice Walker's The Color Purple, all favorites I can read over and over again.

As an avid reader, I try reading a good book as often as I can, occasionally two or three books concurrently. My tastes are moderate, nothing too serious. I've attempted to read classical literary pieces, like War and Peace, only to stop and start and stop. After six times, I've given up. I've never finished. Perhaps I'm not learned enough, but Tolstoy seems way above me (and boring as a scoreless baseball game in the 15th inning)!

So it's off the computer, into the shower, on with my favorite comfy sweatpants & t-shirt, under the covers with the electric blanket on, and novel in hand. I'll probably fall asleep with the light on, becoming a ritual of late, and a expensive habit. My electric bill! Merde!

G'night folks! Pleasant dreams....

Prelude to future Blogging: "I definitely should reread Traitor To The Race by Darieck Scott."

Monday, January 21, 2008

Martin Luther King, Jr Day 2008

Excerpt from:

Letter from a Birmingham Jail

"We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter.

Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait.

There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court's decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: "How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?" The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that "an unjust law is no law at all."

Sunday, January 20, 2008


Hello? Calling Nanook of the North! Hello?

Siberia has invaded Pennsylvania, or at least it feels like it! Wish I was wherever my handsome fellow to the left was! Temperatures are in the low 20s, but with the wind chill, it has to be below Zero or lower! Time to renegotiate with Spring and Summer to become my favorite seasons again, just hurry, and get here!

Days like this I just want to ooze in the hottest bath and stay there! Shhhiiittt! I'm Freezing! Hey, Hester, don't ya wanna go to Phuckett, Thailand, right about now?

Purposely taking two days off to spend time amongst the living, there's plenty discussion to be had about my weekend, but my temporary hiatus isn't finished yet! Daring to brave Jack Frost and Old Man Winter's worst, I'm trekking over to Hester's for supper, games, and stimulating debate, then back home.

Cooking in the crock pot as I type is chili, to be followed by homemade corn muffins, for late supper tonight. That will suffice for a couple meals. Mmmm, chili. Weather like this brings out the childhood memories of my mum cooking chili and rice on cold winters' night. Ya can't beat your mother's home cooking, especially on frigid wintry days. This kinda weather you need something to stick your ribs. Food for the body, heart, and mind!

With regards to warmer thoughts, I'd wanted to post this for the Christmas Holidays, but forgotten until I rediscovered it on my hard drive. Today would be apropos to post this clip from a popular Christmas program. Tell me what you think (at least all you sick of Winter, anyway). Would you rather it 101 or 10 below?!?!

Keep warm out there!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Negro Speaks of Rivers

By Langston Hughes

I've known rivers:

I've known rivers ancient as the world and older than the

flow of human blood in human veins.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young.

I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep.

I looked upon the Nile and raised the pyramids above it.

I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln

went down to New Orleans, and I've seen its muddy

bosom turn all golden in the sunset.

I've known rivers:

Ancient, dusky rivers.

My soul has grown deep like the rivers.

Speaking Into Shadows

Napoleon Meet "Joesph"

Napoleon finally took time out of his busy schedule (emphasize the British pronunciation as "shed-dule") and called me up this evening. Seems my wayward friend has gotten involved in a new relationship.

As always with Naps, the guys appears to be some characterization of everything that is bad about the gay community, obsessed with appearance, materialistic, size queen, color obsessed... yadda, yadda, yadda! Listening to Naps describe the guy, I got nauseous , feigned another call coming through, and hung up.

I'm not ready to deal with another go round with Naps and one his boy toys playthings. Naps is too far gone into materialistic appearance and the status of guy than his heart, integrity, and real self-worth to see. He's too immature to see objectively. It bothers me too, I guess, I have residual feelings for Napoleon. I still love him, but recognize a relationship with him would be disastrous. To my credit, I've been able to cut myself off from him sexually (no more booty calls between us in the 0-8!) This has probably placed a strain on our friendship. Friends just shouldn't ever engage in casual sex. Period.

At almost 40, I have so many lessons to learn. Adolescence doesn't end when you hit 20. No, I'm suffering from a post 30 adolescence which is wreaking havoc on my emotions. My intellect tells me to steer clear of Naps on certain days, but his pull can be difficult, and I always mange to entangle myself in his dramas.

I want no parts of this new found situation he's gotten himself into. The shit will blow up in his face, he'll come to me looking for love and support, and I have a feeling my resolve will weaken, and we'll end up sleeping with each other again. God help us all if happens again. I'm too old to be creepin' around, dammit!

Given my own poor choices in men, Myjah, Napoleon, etc, I don't trust my own sensibility not to get back into another foolhardy romance. I've been struggling with my own sense of "attractiveness" and desirability and seeing the man, men (Myjah included), I care about and want to be with involved in other ventures, whether it be another man or the church, tugs at my heartstrings and destroys my self-worth.

I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be brokenhearted, get swept away by libido, this year. I was gonna be patience, wait on God to give me what I need, not what I want. Frustration is challenging because I've been out of the circuit for too long. Like any other gay man, any other man period, reaching mid life, I want to achieve certain goals and objectives before I leave this planet. I'm not asking for the perfect man, just the perfect man for me.

None of this has to do with sex either, although it wouldn't hurt for a decent shag with someone stable every once and a while.!

I've been back on the abstinence wagon for a few weeks, but I still have a healthy sexual appetite, and like any able bodied male, some days you just need to lay it all down and kick it with somebody you love. As I get closer to my birthday, I'm more pessimistic love will walk through more door anytime soon. Yes ,I know, patience is a virtue, but when you've been deprived, where do you turn besides a cheap one-night stand situation? Sister Rosie and sisters get old after awhile. Besides none of them can caress, love, cuddle, or speak tenderly in the night to you, just take the edge off for a little while.

Am I just naive or wanting too much? Shouldn't everybody have the one before they die? Not that I'm dying or anything, but loneliness is a bitch and a half!

Boyfriend, Birthdays, & Action Figures

I knew I was running late for work this morning when I drove passed my morning boyfriend walking across the State Street Bridge. morning boyfriend. He's a definite cutie! I don't actually know the guy, but I've seen him on and off for the last four years during my morning commute. There are days when I'm glad for the visual epiphany! Others where I'm screaming obscenities cause I'm gonna be late as Hell!

The morning boyfriend is a very cute, Abercrombie & Fitchish, but not too "white bread," kinda like a more mature frat boy who realizes its time to grow up. My fellow is in his mid 20s (not a word Hester!) and he works for some State office downtown. His most stunning feature is he has the most perfect, round, bubble butt I've EVAH seen on a white guy. DAAAAMN! The picture the right is no comparison!

Oh the thoughts, the licentious thoughts, those dirty, erotic, nasty, can't think about anything else, thoughts. One day I almost ran into the car into front of my trying catch a glimpse of that azz in the rear view. Oh and his face ain't bad either!

This morning before I left the house was a comedy of errors. I woke up late, getting my ass outta bed at 7:15! Normally I'm up at a quarter till six and need to be out the house by 7:25, no later than 7:30. The commute takes about 30 minutes to navigate the congested traffic through all the happy little State workers takin' their slow-ass, annoying, lolly-gagging time, driving 10 miles under the speed limit.

I'm notorious for obeying the speed limits and barely doing 5 miles over, but in the mornings, the gloves are off! I'm a maniac trying to cut across the boroughs to get downtown. I have to be at my desk and clocked in by 8 sharp. Plus, Lawd knows my day ain't starting until I've had my Mocha nut flavored coffee and Quaker Walnut, Date, & Raisin Oatmeal! This requires being on time though. Nope. Not this morning! No time for breakfast today. I was ready to eat the carpet by lunchtime. At least I had my "eye candy" to tide me over, eh?

So after passing "morning boyfriend" (If I had to give him a name, I'd call him "Brett." He's so delicious it really doesn't matter what your flava man you regularly enjoy, you'd like Brett. Mmmmm.) I was flipping back between the Tom Joyner Morning Show (TJMS) and WINK 104 on the radio. Between the two programs, one of them gave a roll call of celebrity birthdays for January 17. Among them were James Earl Jones, Eartha Kitt, and Muhammad Ali. Really?

Wow! How interesting. Now Eartha Kitt, despite what was mentioned in Too Wong Foo, was the ONLY Cat-woman who rocked the house in the original Batman TV show.

Sorry Julie Newman and Lee Merryweather, but Eartha kicked ass and was sassy! A true sophisticated Diva. And who doesn't jive over her voice and enunciation when she speaks? Hmm? LOL.

James Earl Jones, the voice of CNN and Darth Vader from Star Wars, is a damn fine actor. I've always admired and respected his acting ability and his own challenges over adversity. I remember seeing a biography on him where it was mentioned he had a stuttering problem as a youth. You'd never know it now.

As far as Muhammad Ali, well he's just the greatest of all time.

Interestingly enough, I didn't think about this until I was driving home from work, but I guess all three of them at one point and time have been action figures!

Yep only a true child of the 70s would remember Muhammad Ali had not only his action figure, but a TV show, and cartoon series. I had to laugh at myself because memories of my older sister giant Barbie head doll and Ali's action figure met there unfortunate demise one day in my youth.

In case you've forgotten, but the Barbie head was just her head and shoulder made life size so girls could style her hair and paint make up on her face. Clearly till this day I can see the hideous thing side on my sister's toy table, staring out, menacingly with the annoying glamor bitch smile only Matel Toy Company could manufacture.

One day, I got the obnoxious idea to cut all the hair the damn thing to torment and placate my big sis. She got the last laugh though. Like every other little girl in the 70s, my sister also had the Betty Crocker Easy Bake Oven. Once she had seen my handiwork, she snatched up several of my action figures (boys didn't play with dolls, not even ones who grew up to be homos!) including my Ali, Batman, and Six Million Dollar Man, threw in the oven, and melted the shit out all of 'em. Ah, childhood memories.

Thanks Eartha, James, and Champ. I hope y'all had an awesome birthday. Thanks for all the childhood memories. May the Force Be With You as You float like a butterfly and sting like a bee! Yes, that's perrrrrrfect!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Wielding The Axe

Thanks to everyone who has sent me email praising and complimenting the blog. I really work hard to make this interesting, so you're kind words, suggestions, and critiques are all welcome. I will respond to all your emails, just give me time. I know I hate when I take the time to email someone and then they don't email you back. You're always left with the feelin' you said or wrote something wrong, so rest assured, I will answer you back! Just give a me a little time.

Also if you have a blog, send me the link. I'll definitely put your link up. I'm getting comments from many men saying they're thankful for all the Black male photography. My stuff is all recycled, I'll admit that, but the pictures often reinforce the message to my written words. For quality photos, check out REAL artists like Aaron's MasculineCurves or Malik Williams website (I lost the link, but Google him and you'll find him easy enough). These guys showcase the best in Men of Color photography, in my humble opinion.

I'm freezing my ass off tonight and cold down to my bones. Temperatures quickly changed from last week when we were in the high 60s and close to the 70 degree mark. Got spoiled that fast! I can't think straight to post anything of substance, not even a handsome picture or two, cause it's so chilly! Yet, Winter remains one of my favorite seasons.

I forgot about my dinner date with Leoben but caught a little of American Idol because Hester and E.J. called and begged me to catch "Eyeliner Boy." Ugh! I hate the early Idol episodes because it's too painful to watch! I experience sympathy embarrassment for the people. And what the f8ck was up with the guy at the end?!?! Was Paula drunk, high, or both?!?! She did crack me up with her little dance. Paula is so stupid it isn't funny!I hope someone will put the clip on YouTube or DailyMotion. If they do, its going on the Axe for sure!

Oh bother! When I said stupid about Paula just now, I meant "stooopid," an expression commonly used in the Black community meaning you're silly or when one cuts up, not stupid meaning you're dumb. The explanation goes out to my European friends reading the Axe.

While on the subject of explanations, a couple folks have asked what's the meaning of "Weilding the Axe" and if the guy on the bike is me. Lemme answer the latter question first. If I was the guy on the bike, there's no way I'd be bloggin' as much as I have been, LOL. Naw, he's not me, but serves as my inspiration. I probably have the same complexion or skin as he does though. Maybe a shade or two more red, than him, with regards to skin complexion.

As far as the title goes, to wield means to handle, to control, to exert one's authority by means of influence, or to have something at one's command or influence. A-x-e is another way to spelling ax, which is an instrument or tool most commonly associated with cutting wood. Another definition for "axe" is to abruptly remove, separate, or sever. An "axe" may also describe a guitar, saxophone, or motorcycle.

I've always had a mild fascination with motorcycles, but I don't own one. (A-HA! thus explains the man on the motorcycle! The picture is a representation of my life.) Moreover, to master a motorcycle takes practice. To axe the negative influences over one's life, to wrest control from the authority without, and regain influence over the self within, is indeed Wielding the Axe. Comprendre vous? Versteht? ¿Entiende? Get It?!?! My warped mind works oddly. It makes prefect sense to me.

"But you spelled wield "w-e-i-l-d," which is wrong."

Well let me just say my spelling can be atrocious at times! I named the blog before I noticed the misspelling. My blog should be called "W-i-e-l-ding The Axe." The proper way to spell "Wield" is "w-i-e-l-d," yes, I know. I forgot the old English grammar rule "i" before "e" except after "c." Once I saw the mistake, I just left it. Chalk it up to one of those little quirky things about me I figure most people who know me are used to and would just accept. Besides, most Americans, I'm learning, are HORRIBLE spellers. I know I am, LOL. Praise the Bright Lady for spell checker software!

Just A Little Patience

One annoying thing after I another happened yesterday, so instead of hopping on the blog and taking out my frustrations, I chose not to blog. My day was an exercise in frustration and futility.

I've never been one to suffer patience long, given my childhood, in my adult life I tend to expect instant results. Yes, yes, yes. I know, Eden wasn't created in a day, neither does life happen pronto fin, but damn, how long can a guy wait sometimes?

Yesterday was Dr. King's official birthday, with the observance to be celebrated this coming Monday. I will address some thoughts next week.

Thank God I have the day off next Monday. Doesn't matter if I didn't, I'd take the day off anyway. I used to have an employer who believed Dr. King's Birthday should be "a day on, not a day off." Bullshit! Don't get me started with that noise. Black people only get one damn holiday and you want me to work?!? Fuck that! How many dead white Presidents have I been given off for? Don't even get me stared on the celebration for American Conquest Day, or better known as Christopher Columbus Day. Sheesh!

Yeah, so I have strong feelings on people having to work on MLK Day. What of it?

I'm a little irritated this morning, but my mood will improve as the day goes on. I'm supposed to meet Leoben for dinner tonight. I might also call Napoleon, AGAIN. I'd left him a message a few days ago and he still hasn't called back. Don't you hate it when to take the time to contact someone and they don't return your call?!?

Our friendship has been a bit strained lately for reasons I don't feel like getting into, yet!

Monday, January 14, 2008

For The Team, Man, For The Team...

As much as I can't stand the man, I felt bad for T.O. this morning. (Hey E.J. what up, bruh? Where you at now?)

Naw, I won't be ig'nant like they were this mornin' on the TJMS, but you know when I heard about T.O. blubbering all over the place, I first thouhht it was a ploy to soften his image folks, to so a gentler side, and chase away his arrogant persona. Didn't do shit for me!

People I know, except for E.J., hate T.O. Of course, the majority of them are Eagles fans. And while I think the man has a great body( an abso-fucking-lutely great body!), T.O.'s not my favorite person in the world either. His attitude, his homophobia...sorry, I can't get past his previous statements and behavior.

, a part of me wants to turn the other cheek, and feel sorry for the guy...Don't worry, Terrell & E.J. , there's always next season. It's what I keep reminding myself about the Steelers...

Well Received...."You Like Me!"

Wow! Now I know how Sally Field felt back in the day! I'm surprised to the number of hits my blog is getting in the short time it was made "more public." It still isn't stupendously high, but it's being viewed. I'm getting good, positive feedback, and not just from folks in the States, I've gotten several comment from folks abroad.

Thanks everyone who took the time to correspond and give me a shout out on your own blogs.

If you have a blog, and would like me to link back to you, lemme know. I'll place a link on here too. I surfed around the weekend and discover links to the Axe on four separate blogs. I posted a link for 'em here, so check 'em out.

Photogreg: you said you added me to your blogroll, but I couldn't find your's. Help! Send me a link!

I hope everyone is enjoying what they're reading or at least enjoying the pics, yeah I know some folks come to check out the man-candy. I admit there is a blog or two I do that with, but I as long as people are friendly and like my stuff, keep on with the feedback! Thanks all....


Sunday, January 13, 2008


Last night I was catching up with the blogs I read and ran into two blogger's posts which caused me to stop and reflect. Each had a deep impact on me and I admit I spent half the night writing out a response on their commentary. I'm currently working on type it out on the Axe, as sometimes its easier for me to write out by hand, then retype so my thought are concise, coherent, and get to my point.

Eight pages later, I'm furiously attempting to get everything typed, check grammar, and making sure this very adult, translation serious topic, makes sense and I don't come off looking immature or foolish. It's taking forever! Right now I have to get ready and meet E.J. for lunch, or else I'd finish it. I'll warn you now it's loooooong. I've attempt to trim parts, but the length will not be denied. Be patient when its finally published. It's insightful. I'd definitely like comments once I'm finished. It's a "Tribe Of One" labeled post, so be on the lookout for it, tentatively titled "What You Expect, Community Respect." That's my working title. Might change. You'll know it when you see it thought. It'll have a warning disclaimer and, as I said, be very long.


by Langston Hughes

The earth-meaning
Like the sky-meaning
Was fulfilled.

We got up
And went to the river,
Touched silver water,
Laughed and bathed
In the sunshine.

Became a bright ball of light
For us to play with,
A yellow curtain,
A velvet screen.

The moon,
Like an old grandmother,
Blessed us with a kiss
And sleep
Took us both in

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Amongst Warriors Were True Champions

I've gotta admit I "borrowed" these two pictures from another blog, but like a true gentleman, I will give credit where credit is due.

I've been a regular viewer of Hoodsworld for months now. The men! The men! Then men! The are a handful of must read blogs everyday, and Hoodworld is one. It's not so much "reading" material, but "eye candy" for the hungry (or horny) queer. He caters to all tastes of men of color and walks of life, athletes, musicians, actors, other celebrity, average joes, you name it! There are days when some his posts make me swoon and a sigh will escape my lips,perhaps an expletive of joy even.

Today's post was no exception....

One the most sexiest football players ever to don a uniform and walk the playing field, Will Demps, was the subject of a recent post on Hood's blog. But what caught my eye was his photo essay on Kellen Winslow, Jr! Shiiiiiiit!I sighed liked a silly girl when I saw him My exclamation "He's a slice of Heaven on a plate." doesn't give justice nor adequate description to how I feel. I mean the earth moved. Wow!

Damn, he's sexy! Yes, I'm a fag. Proud of it. Whatchu gotta say, huh?!? LOL.

Check out Hoodsworld blog, but keep checking out the Axe, the Internet's big enough for the two of us. There's no competition. I really recommend his blog because the eye candy will have you drooling for days.

As an added bonus, I threw in a picture of Martin Rucker, from one of Hood's post on NFL players. That smile is worth its weight in gold. So dreamy......

Heaven Sent Us Warriors...

Blogger! It's a Grrr Moment!

Blogger was acting retarded last night so I couldn't do a post. It still isn't working yet and I wanted to post some images for the Axe and Chocolate-Salsa. It's frustrating! I guess I have to actually write something instead of pretty pictures, huh?

Oh, there are things going on, nothing I want to blog about, but drama has easily crept into the Fledgling New Year. I'm dealing with it as everyone else deals with life's adversities. Actually, my spirits have been upbeat and I'm keepin' a level head. Life is being good to me.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008


On an ordinary day, such as today, Eternity began... Who's to say what was before Eternity, only one person may begin to know, and He isn't talking. Within his palms, he holds fortunes and futures. He sees dawns come, sees dusks go. Within time, there is no limit and Heaven was created with a single word. And it was good. On a walk through midnight, the stars give testament to the cause. They were diamonds when Odin was young. The is no foresight untold to them. They watched the angels crawl from perches above and dance with men, unlike the seraphs, who choose to remain at the door to Heaven, keeping their vigil. With the clouds and the sun, the gold in the street makes man drool with envy. For it is impossible to know such things until those gates we have crossed. When He looked down, He gave the logos new meaning. He breathed and it was so. And it was good. And on an ordinary day, quite like today, the extraordinary really did happen. Profound as it seems, the gods smile upon Him. They bowed before His radiance, knew of His truth, and coyed away, give heed to His Goodness. They watched, almost like we watch, and they smiled. Eternity began. And it was good.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Eagles Are Gay?

My friend E.J. specifically emailed this picture for me to post on the blog. He obviously thought it amusing enough to send to me. Hmm. I can't quite make out who the players are in that pictures, but I do have it on good authority most of the players are straight. My (female) cousin was briefly dating one of the Eagles awhile back. Shhh, I can't tell you who, but he was hot!

E.J.'s passionate about his football and hates the Eagles. Of course what does he really know, being he's a Cowboys fan!!!! (Just kidding E.J.)

My team? I prefer the Black and Gold of Steeltown, USA: Pittsburgh!

Anyway, I've gotta dash outta here. I need to be Uptown (Midtown?) in about an hour and I still need to drop some bills of at the Post Office. I should be home around 10 so I can blog about all the cute guys I was scoping out. Maybe I'll even have a capture or two from my cell phone camera.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Bob Evans Can Keep His Farm

Spent the afternoon doing close to nothing. I went over to Hester's for dinner, watched old Bugs Bunny Cartoons, and had contemplated possibly going downtown for a drink, but sleepiness has caught up with me. Dude, I'm gettin' old! I'm ready for bed! Now!

I must be gettin' old. Used to be a time where I couldn't stand being in the house on a Saturday night. Now, all I can think about now is crawling in between the covers and getting some zzz's. Oh well. Guess I can't be a reckless youth forever. Peter Pan only exists in Never Neverland.

Just a quick post 'fore I go to bed....There's nothing substantial at present to discuss anyway. Nothing I can type out quickly. I have to work overtime tomorrow, so I guess all my thoughts are geared towards muddling through tomorrow afternoon. It's a good thing I'll be earning some extra cash, I should be able to catch up on some bills. I was careful this Holiday season and didn't go overboard with spending. Still, the January bills are on their way, so the extra ducats in my pocket will definitely help.

Tomorrow evening, hopefully, I'll have something significant to blog about. Working the PA Farm Show is always a treat. I'm being facetious. I'm not big on being around farm animals. Even though I've lived in Central PA, some of them rural, going on 18 years now, I still haven't adjusted to the smell of manure. Springtime is always a difficult time with the horrendous odor! I'm sure I'll be retching from the stench in the Farm Show Complex by the time my shift is over. At least I can grab some decent food while I'm there. The Farm Show, if nothing else, has plenty of good eats available for tasting.

Enough complaining. The sandman is knocking at the door and I'm ready to receive him with arms wide open. Now if he could only be as dreamy as the different guys I've been fantasizing over lately, then everything will be fine....

G'night folks!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Leoban's Feedback

I started typing this last night, but I decided to call it an evening early.

I'm changing the date to reflect the post for Friday. I want to blog each day, but so far '08 has gotten off to a sluggish start. I'll explain later.

I've kinda been in avoidance mood because some of my emotional issues are running rampant. I don't want the first few posts for the New Year to be whiny and bitchy. Naw, I'm puttin' on the good foot!

Leoben sent an email on Thursday about the Axe. As you know, he is one of the few exceptions to my semi-anonymous rule, I use his real name. OK, I caught shit from him concerning some recent posts (HA!) and he saw fit to let me know the real deal. He's not mad, just thinks its funny, like I'm misleading people we're in a relationship. I don't recall ever writing that on the blog, do you? Here's what my "big brother" and not my boyfriend (satisfied Leeb?!?!?) had to say...
"....your blog is as creative and phenomenal as ever my friend. Stop worrying so much what others think and do your thing. You're too damn paranoid, shit! People are reading {your blog} because they relate; can connect with what you're saying. Nobody gives a shit about your bad grammar or occasional left out word! But a good spell check program wouldn't hurt either! Don't you know how to proofread bitch?!?

Please stop telling your blog friends, readers, whatever you call 'em, I stayed at your house the other night! You'll have them thinking we're boyfriends. I still have some taste left! See what I get for trying help out a scoundrel like you? Damn! Knowing you though, you'll go back and complain on the blog.

Where's my Mary J CD by the way? Do you have it or did {Napoleon} swipe her like he does all your CDs? Call me asshole!
- L."
And I did exactly what he said I was gonna do, blog about it!.

Like me, Leoban is single, but with good reason. He's a single parent raising a teenage son. His son keeps him busy and Leebs feels a relationship would complicate his life. I commend him for putting his child first, but his son is a high schooler, almost a grown man himself. I'm sure he could handle his father dating.

I never asked if Leoban is out to his son, I just assumed he is. Leoban is one for giving self-esteem pep-talks, kick in the ass & get yo' act together speeches, so would think that he is openly gay with his son. I've never known Leoban to be ashamed of anything, so it would surprise me if he is still in the closet with his son!

Leoban, Napoleon, and I all bicker like kids when we get together but there's an underlying tight bond between us. We get snippy, but its only because we care, so his email, I know, comes from a place of love, not malice. I appreciate his love and kind words of praise about the Axe. I do get self-conscious about my efforts. Still, I've made the decision to broaden readership and am going to place the link on a blog finder like PLU Blogs or Best Male Blogs. I'm pretty nervous about what feedback I might get once a larger audience discovers me though.

And yes I borrowed his MJB CD because mine is mysteriously absent from my CD rack. Unlike some of my friends, who'll remain nameless and blameless until proven otherwise, I do return items I borrow!

I love you too
Leoban, you fuck up! LOL.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Time For New Beginnings

Happy New Year! I hope your New Year's Eve celebrations were worthwhile. I had an interesting evening, drank perhaps more than I should, but at least I was at home drinking. Had a good meal with friends. You can't go wrong with sushi...mmm.

This afternoon it's a quick jaunt with E.J to Hershey's stepbrother neighboring city for pork and sauerkraut dinner and movies at Queen Hester's. My house is still a disaster from Christmas, so I'm on a cooking strike until I get around to properly cleaning. Oh sure, it's straightened up, but its messy enough I need to get on my hands and knees and CLEANSE this house properly.

I might pop over to my sistah-girl, Tamodi's, later for some greens and mac 'n cheese. I pray though she didn't make chitlins! Ugh. I will never eat that shit! Yes, my southern roots & heritage have given me a taste for trotters (pigs feet) every now and again, but chitterlings, aw Hell no! I'd sooner starve, LOL!

So it's officially 2008, huh? Thinking about the year ahead, I want to do something with my life, something creative and challenging. The blog has been a big help, but I also want to expand my horizons beyond the Internet. I might attempt to volunteer again. Until I got sick last summer, I'd been volunteering at the AIDS Alliance and a local homeless shelter. Perhaps I should pursue going back? Maybe I could do something different. What I'd like to do is get more involved in the SGL/LGBT African American community here in Central PA. It's fairly underground unless you know exactly where to look. I need deeper connections with my community and I'm feeling a void lately.

Being an openly gay/bisexual man of color in my area has been interesting to say the least. I break stereotypes, or so I've been told. I see myself as so queer it isn't even funny, but most of my straights say I don't come off as gay. Is that a problem if I don't? Hm? Last night I made the comment about a friend who's totally clueless about my sexual leanings. I said to my group I don't butch it up, don't try to hide anything, that I openly make comments that leave no questions as to where I stand sexually around said friend. Miss T smartly replied "When did you ever butch it up?" Ha ha ha. Very funny. I know she was playing, but her remarks stung for a moment. Striking core to my self-identity issues.

I've worked hard these last few years to come to self-accepting terms. Missing in my life is a large compliment of normal gay people of color. Sure I have gay friends of color, Napoleon, Leoban, Brother Soulman, RaShawn, Daniel, Altors, but their lives are outlandish and prone to exaggerated drama. I'd like a larger social base to draw support and companionship from more on my comfort level. I've been thinking I need to get off my duff and have the conversation with my parents (I'm sure they know, but I need to grow a pair, and just say I'm a 'Mo and be done with it!) so I can go home to Philly. Philadelphia as a huge African American LGBT community.

Perhaps, I could even more back to DC. Moving back there might be tough though because I remember DC doesn't exactly have the most inviting Gay Black community. If you're not already established on the inside, good luck getting in. At least how I remember growing up with my(gay black) father back in the 80s. Perhaps it's changed. Should I give it a second chance?
Moving back to Washington would also be emotional because a significant disruption toward young development happened there. Yet DC always feels like home when I go back. It's a double sided issue. All my family that lived there are now dead.

I should drop down there in the next few months. Yeah. Reconnect with better portions of my past. Maybe catch the Cherry Blossoms in the spring. I've been longing to see the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum for years. Or even catch a ride on the Metro, descend deep underground to DuPont Circle station on the Red Line (always a favorite memory) that'll get where you need in they City. Perhaps I could take a ride out to Tyson's Corner. Go to McLean or Reston and see old buddies I haven't seen in forever. Peruse old haunts in Georgetown even....

2008 lies before me with promise. Its tabula rasa, clean slate. What I do in the next 3-6-5 should be things to strengthen, uplift, build my self-esteem, self-worth, and character. I feel the itch of 40 coming faster and there's so much I want to become before that life change. I want to endeavor to be happier this year.

In '08, I also was want a partner, my companion, that special significant other. He's out there, I just have to work to find him. Sure, life will go on if I'm not in a relationship. I'm continuing to learn one must be happy and love self before others can do so. Once I get my foundation in order, everything else will fall into place. The place I'm at right now isn't bad, but it's lonely. I want to be more than who I've been. Have more than what I have now. Not so much materialistic, but rather, spiritual and emotional wealth.

Good? I hope it'll be.


While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.

President Barack Obama!