Momentary Update

Things have been pretty busy lately and I'm just catching a minute to post. Whew! I'm excited for all good changes going on lately. Things are taking a positive turn and I'm amazed at how quickly. I supposed its true that with the right attitude you CAN accomplish anything. Onward, forward with the momentum.

So last weekend I met up with a friend in Philly who gave some focus to sharpen insight on my strategy even further. Since that convo, I've been using his advice to my advantage with some instance results. I like this feelin'. My side job is starting to fall into place with the training, even the main job is calming down and becoming tolerable... THANK YOU JESUS!!! Now if I can bottle this for a few weeks until I can keep this without external coaching, I'll be aiiight....

That's all for now.

Something To Take Notice...

Earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Millions of dead fish in Redondo Beach California. Political unrest in various places through out the world. Hell, strife and turmoil in our own country... It just makes me stop and wonder.

Tuesday on my way to work, I saw a man standing on the corner holding a sign proclaim that Judgment Day was on May 21, 2011. Now I had heard and seen this earlier this year when a theologian I used to listen made this announcement. At the time I mulled it over and didn't discount it, but didn't give it much credence either. Now after events of the last couple of days...Hm? I'm jus' saying.

I suppose anyone can make certain events fit into Biblical prophesy, but as a non-believer in coincidence, well when those birds fell out the sky in the Midwest I took notice. When the fish washed up dead in Maryland, I paid attention even further. Now they say in the last days there'll be many signs and wonders. I dunno. I never paid enough attention to this stuff.

Just pondering. For anyone reading, what are your thoughts?

What's Up With All The Dead Fish?

So I'm off today. I'm sitting watching CNN, half paying attention to Don Lemon interviewing with Steve Perry about some new drama about the education system, when I catch the news tag: "more dead fish were found."

This time in Maryland; Approximately 2 million. They've been finding dead fish have washed up near the Bay Bridge area on the Chesapeake River. Environmentalists are scrambling to find out why. Speculation is due to cold water temperature, but that seems like some bullshizz to me. Don't fish live in cold water and hibernate when in the winter?

This is getting funky. Just the other day in Arkansas there were all the dead birds and dead fish found?Then I heard a well-known theologian has predicted the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. Or at least that Jesus is taking all the good people away on that date. The sinners stay until October something when the final Day Judgment comes. These aren't necessarily my beliefs, just what I read.

http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrl18.htm

Now, I'm not mocking or poking fun. Just making an observation here. According to the Book of Revelations there are supposed to be many signs and wonders in the "Last Days." But people has been prophesying the end for thousands of years. I'm just curious about the timing of certain events, especially since I don't believe in coincidence. I wonder.

What is the Universe/God/The Creator trying to tell us? And given the big hoopla about next year, 2012... While I don't there will be the Apocalypse, I do think something significant will occur. As to what, I can't say. Too many cultures focused on 2012. The Mayans, Incas the ancient Greeks, Egyptians, Chinese, Celts, Picts, Druids, and so forth... so for it not to be symbolic in some fashion would a colossal disappointment. Again, the coincidence principle: there's no such thing.

For now, I'm just going to be mindful.

I'm Not Feelin' This Shizz

The last 24 hours have been one giant exercise of patience. Mostly doing the waiting game for the Powers-that-be tell us if we'll have jobs at the end of the month or not. Patience is a virtue, but admittedly, has never been my strongest feature!

Last night my financial advisor and brother-in-bizness and I had a long ass convo detailing a strategy/plan of action to manage finances and stave off the potential woes of unemployment. Much of his proposal was sound, good, advice yet tough to swallow. It'll mean plenty of sacrifices...moving or taking on a roommate, selling off goods, canceling those lil luxuries I've become oh so accustomed to having. Such is life. I won't enjoy it, but my friend did the same a few months ago and is surviving the situation with royal colors. Hopefully, I can follow his lead.

Its funny. I've never been in this position before. Feels like the bottom is falling out. I'm not scared. Concerned? Hells yeah, but frightened? I got my friends at my back and God on my side (and front, left, right etc)...so I know it'll work out eventually. Still, human nature makes trepidation rise at uncertain days ahead. Merde!

Don'T Be Afraid...

Dare to be different, dare to be stupid! Of course I always find ways to bring a little laughter to the table. Lord I really don't feel like going to work this morning, but now that the Holidays are in gear, I've got much to do between now and January. I'm just rather nervous about a few thing financially. No I haven't bitten off more than I can chew, but the dread "L" word has been bounced around at the State and our department could be next on the block for layoffs. Eek.

I'm not gonna worry (much). Just keep it business as usual. Work with my financial advisor to tighten the pennies even further, and make a way where there is none. Plus I put my faith in God, and He ain't failed me, so I'm trying not let fear run my life. Nope.

More later. Hope y'all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent.

No Burning Bush, No Firery Pillar

I have grown disillusioned with life and I'm not sure what the fuck to do about it. Everything seems trite, tired, and blah. I'm not depressed, just rather colossally bored. No, bored isn't either. Something is missing from my life and lately no matter what I do to fill it, nothing seems to bring me completion.

Now I won't sit here and bemoan about what I don't have. Lord knows I have plenty; in fact too much! All my needs are met. I want for very little and yet there's the void.... Hark! Is this truly the decent into a REAL mid-life crisis?!?! I often joke about having one but usually it's just Ian being melodramatic as per usual. In this situation? I find myself longing for thing that aren't there or just don't exist.

I'm at a loss for words now because I don't know how to express that "something" that just ain't there. That something I know SHOULD BE there but isn't. Is it because of immaturity? Misdeeds? Inactivity? Sin? Stupidity? Come Universe send me a sign here. You know I walk by signs and wonders....avow there is no such thing as coincidence. Speak loudly and clearly! You also know I'm rather dunderheaded. That rustling in the breeze business only leaves more questions than confirmation.

So what am I doing wrong here?

A Quick Moment

I woke this morning with a heavy heart and too much on my mind. Just wasn't feeling the business today. Uh-un. But alas, time stands still for no person and I'm no exception. So I'm doing my best to work through my frustrations and regrets and get started with the day. I hate having to work Saturdays. Where everyone else can kick back and relax, my ass is up and slaving away. Well, maybe not slaving...but you get the idea.

Realize why I haven't blog much lately, there's been deep seeded issues too humiliating to post. Every time I sit down in front of the keyboard, that little Jiminy Cricket in my head tells me not to. Shame has been working overtime but I'm attempting to stay positive, so if you don't see words from me, just know I'm doing what needs to be done behind the scenes. This morning I had a conversation with God and for the first time in a long time I think I heard him answer back. Can't describe the sitch, but He understands my worries and the insecurities. I laid it there in front of Him and now I prepare to go about today with purpose (whatever purpose I serve in His plans).

Just thought I'd share....

Sinner's Prayer

I borrowed this from Thaddeus because I'm in a spot this morning...

My Sinner's Prayer:

A man in chains, by choices I have made, good and bad, still they remain. So I wait...to see how it lays...this bed of debts and promises I made. I'm a man in pain, looking back on the past...Lord may the good outweigh the bad. Well either way, I cannot stay, I know I'll have to leave it all behind some day. But on that day, hope that I can look you in the face.

Lord hear my prayer. May your grace find me there as I bow down. May your mercy abound.

Morning Praise

OK, so I'm up and sober now. Decided not to delete my previous posts written while I was drunk. LOL. It's hilarious. You get to see my multifaceted, charming, personality, for sure. Hahaha!

So anyway, it's all good this morning. I'm getting ready to go to church and watching Kyle Washington from BET's College Hill on Ustream. Got laundry in the wash cause I am not dressin up today.

It's hot and yes I am putting on shorts (tasteful ones) and wearing them to service. Breaks my usual church etiquette, but I just wanna be comfortable. And to be sure, God don't care what you wearing to church, only that your butt is a pew, praising His name.

Seduction, Relations, & The Magnificent Dream

Good googly moogly!?!?! When the Hell did Pennsylvania become Seattle? The entire month thus far has been rain, rain, and more rain. I'm grateful for it, but dang... Can get a couple days of God's light from above? LOL.

Fortunately, I've been attempting to create my own sunshine. Been hollarin' at a guy for a lil bit now. Each time we talk, I become more interested. Unfortunately, I'm not reading him well just yet. He might be interested??? Not entirely sure; never been one to pick on subtle cues and gestures. The whole mating dance ritual makes me stumble and fumble. If you think my gay Spidey sense is bad, my pickin' up on peeps feelin' on me is worse. Sometimes you gotta hit me over the head and say, "Ian, I like you. Do you like me?" I'm so naive. So juvenile! Like I say constantly folks, I really do make a bad homo! LOL. When y'all gonna hand me the pink slip?

Never fear though. After a while, I do buy a clue. Hehehe. And to be sure (my catch phrase) this guy has me thinking about possibilities. Mr. X is cute, honestly sexy, closer to my age then my previous fella, he makes me think, and laugh. Not to put the apple cart before the horse, but I'm reminded of my Someone To Do You Right post over on MALE. While I don't know him all like that yet, what I do know is he intrigues me. He gives me pause. Mr. X is funny, has a delicious inviting smile, intelligent, and upwardly mobile. He can be a lil quiet and reserved, but he has a head on his shoulders. Did I mention he's cute?

Chile, I ain't got no damn time to "catch the vapors," as Toddy would say, but huh! I'm really feelin' this brother somethin' good. And I really need someone stable who gets me. Somebody who edifies and accentuates, not detracts. Somebody who can challenge me when I get in my snits. Encourage me when I am doubtful. Celebrate when I am triumphant. Isn't that we all want? Please Lord, I'm searching. Don' need no more drama! I'm not asking for forever (although that would be nice) yet I don't need anymore half-assed, trifflin, half hour workers on my 9-5 clock.

N-t-way....since I got in trouble for my morning message yesterday, decided not to use my words for the morning inspiration. Here's a reposted email I received from Jared (with his incredibly phine self! Now talk about cute, hmph!) today entitled Magnificent Dreams:

"What a shame it would be for your best dreams to go to waste. Do the work to make them real and you'll find great fulfillment along the way. Those things you love with all your heart are the most valuable things you have to offer. Truly make the world a more beautiful place by bringing your innermost desires to life. Even the smallest acts have great power when they are sincere. When your efforts come directly from who you truly are, they always make a difference. The world is filled with noise and confusion. But it does not ever have to distract you from what means the most to you. Again and again, connect with those real and lasting values. When times are good, and when times are tough, they will always serve you well. Your life is a beautiful and precious thing. Live the beauty, live the value, and live the substance of your most magnificent dreams."

-- Ralph Marston

Conversations Wit' Myse'f

Neither this evening, nor today, ended up being what I anticipated. Apathy chile, simply apathy. Shoot, so what' it gonna take to get my mojo back?

"Back? Nigga, your nevah got started!"

"Hold up! Who da fuck?!?!"Excuse me a minute fellas while I give the Anti Ian a beat down.

{ Cue noises of strangulation in the background!}

Look away brothers, this here ain't pretty!

O-Tabey. Now where was I? Anti-Ian has been following me around all day and I'm tired of his ass. A man can only take so much negativity in one life time, ya know? I'm not listening to ignorant side of my persona today. He's just wanna wallow in defeat and I really don't have time for that. Today I accomplished what I accomplished and I need to pat myself on the back for it. No matter how big or small the achievement, it's one less thing I need to do tomorrow.

"Yeah, well if you hadn't been online all day, flirting with them guys, maybe you woulda got more shit done." {Anti-Ian still gasping for air, evokes....}

{Blogging Ian rolls his eyes.} Okay, Anti-Ian's got a point. I did hit the blogs and social connection sites a little hard today, but I'm expanding my network. Did I exercise like I wanted to? Well, no. Did I clean up the bedroom closet like I started Saturday? No, those clothes ares still neatly piled in the corner...

"See!"

BUT! {Blogging Ian gives Anti-Ian the "you-bettah-quit-it-I-ain't-playin-wit-you" look} I did finish the laundry, cleaned both bathrooms, cooked dinner for the week, and called my job about returning to work... so score some points for a brother. And while I don't necessarily think I'm gonna find the love of my life online over at Facebook or anywhere else, hey... a little flattery to the ego, doesn't hurt none.

Got a major compliment with a guy I've been IMing and doing the "mating dance" with from a Facebook compadre, that injected tons of moxy to my self-esteem today, even got some real flirtatious offers (hence my Temptation post earlier this afternoon).

The most important thing for me is to relax, take my time in all things, be patient with myself, and allow the Creator to do HIS thang with me. As my body aligns with spirit, everything will fall into place. Love will come, if ever, when it comes. Not a second beforehand. Besides, if I cannot love myself, including Anti-Ian, then how can I love someone else?!?!

{Anti-Ian and Blogger Ian both nod in agreement.}

In The Mix.

First, let me say this, God is Good. God is Good in all things! Do ya hear me? Say it again. God is good in all the things. Let the Church now say amen. Amen.

OK. That's said. Happy Monday Brothers. Sisters. I hope you woke today refreshed and encouraged to get through another work week with renewed vigor and purpose. Last night I had to chase away some nasty blue attitudes, but by Mercy's light, the sun is, literally, still shining today. And wasn't that just a blessing in itself? Shoot. After all the rain last week, I thought maybe it was time to build and ark or something?!?! LOL.

Now, to be sure, my spirit is going through some changes this morning. Not negative, but positive. The inspiration bug has latched on and I'm jus' feelin' it a little. So much that I can achieve and work on. goals and direction are coming back. I'm not looking to do big things, but the little things that someone else can do to build bigger things. Yes.

But now you know every Garden of Eden has its serpent, and mine is slithering with temptation a plenty. Oh it's whispering doubt, fear, shame, blah blah blah, but I'm not listening. I need to work through it to be where I needs to be.... Got some thought running amok in my head, will post those later this afternoon, but for now I wanted to spread the good word to you. Get out there and get into the mix today!

Love ya!
-Ian

Sometimes Waitning Is All You *Can* Do.,

I have to remind myself that I'm only seeing the dots sometimes, not the broader image. I'm tired so my feelings are suspect. Not in a maudlin mood, but necessarily encouraged either. Two smaller set backs swung my way today. Eneh....

Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.

Sometimes you got just keep preserving and weathering the storm until you finally reach your destination. Need to be mindful of that ALWAYS, but would I be remiss if I said I'm getting nervous?

What The Heck!

Because I love y'all so much, I've decided to give you not one, but six "Good Monday Morning Men." Call it my gift to you to get through the day.

Thanks for continually checking in on your boy Ian. I don't know what you're going through, don't know your struggles this week, but I pray that the Creator will be with you each step of the way. I hope that your new work week will bestow good challenges upon you. Challenges not to tear you down, but to uplift, edify, and to strengthen; to steal your spirits in these difficult times.

God Bless my brothers and sisters. Stay vigilant....
-Ian

Shape Of Things To Come

“Life has a melody; a rhythm of notes that become your existence once played in harmony with God’s plan. It’s time to do your part and realize your destiny. It‘s time to make your choice, see the face of the shape things to come…”

A new beginning is coming my way...

Amen

While We're Absent...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

Regretfully, I think my time away from Arturo has created a wanderlust spurned on by a wanting what others have. Yet, as my Gram is quickly to point out, "What made for other people, ain't made for everybody."

It's a harsh truth, but one we all need to hear loud and clear. Arturo and I haven't done much talking. Not about the pertinent topics. And I wanna go to Pride events in New York and Philly. This summer, while I have the opportunity to travel, these wings are gonna spread. I don't have time to be held back by doubts and fears. So where I'm going is anyone's guess.

There's much conversation to be had and yours truly can't square the blame completely on Arturo for the lack of communication. It wasn't until I discussed my homosexuality with my mum I thought a possible future, I wanted, possible. Doubt has been sitting on my shoulder. The green-eyed monster of jealousy, whispering in my ear, telling things I shouldn't believe. On the other shoulder, where I'd hope an angel would be, the nemesis of my past "fucked up" relationships, friendships, and marriage implores me to cling to the familiar.

But rise up soldier! Shrug them doubts, and have faith in the Creator, that what blessing He has for me, will come. All things in their due time....

Homosexianty

I'm not gonna take any credit for this post. Saw this over on Sozo's blog. Looks like something interesting. Read the post here. I'm not advocating rushing out and buying the book, but I definitely will check it out from the local library. If it's inspiring, then I'll purchase it.

Go here to read Sozo's opinion on this book.

Personal Matra

Blessed by the Creator, Eternal Father God, who gives me strength. I'm filled with Love, Grace, and Pride. Some days I'm a lil crazy, but NEVAH a bore! My inner child has run amok to reconcile past with present, so I can comprehend future...

Kismet

Cosmic forces are aligning themselves my friends, the moment is so at hand I can feel it in my spirit. So scaredy cat got some cajones finally, eh? Well not exactly. The Fates are stepping in, taking care of business, giving me a chance to rescue my adulthood from Purgatory. Since being here in my family's home I've regressed into childhood head first. I don't like it!

This weekend set into play events stumbling towards opening the last closet door, and folks, it sure has been a bumpy ride. After this challenge, nothing else in my life will matter, because I will have overcome the biggest obstacle. But I feel sick this morning. Don't have words to begin to describe the trepidation running amok right now. The conversation is going down, and I mean, soon...

Happy Monday!!!