Thursday, April 30, 2009
Hey, Stupid Cupid! Is He The One?
Tonight I'm feeling a little lonely and inquisitive about mt love life. Dunno why. Guess I've too much empty time on my hand this Thursday evening. Health-wise, things have been improving and I know soon life will return to normal. Oh you can rest assured I'll be wanting to have this extended time off once I return to work, which is slated possibly by August or September
Call it boredom, but I'm not motivated to do anything at the moment...read, watch television, even blogging. I'm sitting here starting, erasing and restarting, erasing again and restarting this paragraph. I'm so unsettled. Plus remember the old saying, "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop." Sitting here, on my laptop, Ian is pondering what kinda grubbily plank relationship I've managed, yet again, to work myself into.
Suppose I should have discussed Arturo long before now. The reason I haven't is because he reads the blog. I've nothing to hide, but he does, and I don't want to embarrass my Papi anymore that is necessary. Still, those nagging little gremlins in my mind....
Since we hooked up around my birthday, we rekindled the spark that was there last summer No you know, if you've been reading the blog for a while, that A disappeared without a trace. No call, no email, no nothing. He was just gone. It wasn't until I ran into him at his job around the Holidays I got the full scoop on what happened. It was a simple explanation. It's nothing major, and time has allow forgiveness in my heart.
This time apart has solidified doubts. These concerns were nagging me prior to my surgery and has been thrust further since coming home to Philadelphia. It's been over a month since 'Turo and I spent significant quality time together. We've stolen a few moments here an there. A phone call or two, three, four or more. We've been emailing back and forth. Heck I even got my folks to have lunch while we were up for my weekly post-op check up with the surgeon the other week. I have no clues as to whether or not my parents are clued into to us or not. They're not stupid. Arturo visited me while I in the hospital with Junior...
So what's my beef? Isn't this normal for all relationships to have a period of trial and tribulation? Some angst? Curious though. I mean, is Arturo the one? A's a great guy. he treats me nice, now that we worked out why he upped and disappeared last summer, and I love his son to pieces. We're like instant family, ya know? But therein, there is a nine year age difference. Arturo just turns 30 this year. Neither one of us are "Out" to our folks, Artie's not "Out" to most people, which at least I am in my social and working community. If I had to play hide and seek with my sexuality longer than this period I'm at my folks, I'm gonna go stir crazy.
Me? Well you guys all know I'm too chicken-shit to discuss my sexuality with my family, not that it's any of their business. And for A? Well, he's part Dominican, part Puerto Rican, 100% Catholic. In my experience, and remember I have Catholic and Cuban roots from my daddy, some Latin cultures have never been all that favorable on homosexuality. So I understand Arturo's hesitation coming out. Playing Devil's Advocate further, the boy just came to terms with himself in recent years. I so know that's right! I'm almost 40, knowing my needs for at least 20-some years now, and I'm still coming to terms with myself. Sheesh.
Regarding another concern, is he the one? Or am I settling? Considering how much I miss him, I think I "like" the Arturo, but is it love? Come on, I'm so confused and this sucks at age 39 not knowing your heart. Starting relationships has never been my forte. Never been good at picking the right man either.
Too, I keep thinking about other men who stir things inside me, make me feel things on a spiritual level, that doesn't make sense. I attribute those emotions to lust. At least I hope it's lust. Maybe I just need to get laid again??? Being gay ain't easy...
Dude, I'm such a bad homo, LOL!
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.