Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hey, Stupid Cupid! Is He The One?


Tonight I'm feeling a little lonely and inquisitive about mt love life. Dunno why. Guess I've too much empty time on my hand this Thursday evening. Health-wise, things have been improving and I know soon life will return to normal. Oh you can rest assured I'll be wanting to have this extended time off once I return to work, which is slated possibly by August or September

Call it boredom, but I'm not motivated to do anything at the moment...read, watch television, even blogging. I'm sitting here starting, erasing and restarting, erasing again and restarting this paragraph. I'm so unsettled. Plus remember the old saying, "An idle mind is the Devil's workshop." Sitting here, on my laptop, Ian is pondering what kinda grubbily plank relationship I've managed, yet again, to work myself into.

Suppose I should have discussed Arturo long before now. The reason I haven't is because he reads the blog. I've nothing to hide, but he does, and I don't want to embarrass my Papi anymore that is necessary. Still, those nagging little gremlins in my mind....

Since we hooked up around my birthday, we rekindled the spark that was there last summer No you know, if you've been reading the blog for a while, that A disappeared without a trace. No call, no email, no nothing. He was just gone. It wasn't until I ran into him at his job around the Holidays I got the full scoop on what happened. It was a simple explanation. It's nothing major, and time has allow forgiveness in my heart.

This time apart has solidified doubts. These concerns were nagging me prior to my surgery and has been thrust further since coming home to Philadelphia. It's been over a month since 'Turo and I spent significant quality time together. We've stolen a few moments here an there. A phone call or two, three, four or more. We've been emailing back and forth. Heck I even got my folks to have lunch while we were up for my weekly post-op check up with the surgeon the other week. I have no clues as to whether or not my parents are clued into to us or not. They're not stupid. Arturo visited me while I in the hospital with Junior...

So what's my beef? Isn't this normal for all relationships to have a period of trial and tribulation? Some angst? Curious though. I mean, is Arturo the one? A's a great guy. he treats me nice, now that we worked out why he upped and disappeared last summer, and I love his son to pieces. We're like instant family, ya know? But therein, there is a nine year age difference. Arturo just turns 30 this year. Neither one of us are "Out" to our folks, Artie's not "Out" to most people, which at least I am in my social and working community. If I had to play hide and seek with my sexuality longer than this period I'm at my folks, I'm gonna go stir crazy.

Me? Well you guys all know I'm too chicken-shit to discuss my sexuality with my family, not that it's any of their business. And for A? Well, he's part Dominican, part Puerto Rican, 100% Catholic. In my experience, and remember I have Catholic and Cuban roots from my daddy, some Latin cultures have never been all that favorable on homosexuality. So I understand Arturo's hesitation coming out. Playing Devil's Advocate further, the boy just came to terms with himself in recent years. I so know that's right! I'm almost 40, knowing my needs for at least 20-some years now, and I'm still coming to terms with myself. Sheesh.

Regarding another concern, is he the one? Or am I settling? Considering how much I miss him, I think I "like" the Arturo, but is it love? Come on, I'm so confused and this sucks at age 39 not knowing your heart. Starting relationships has never been my forte. Never been good at picking the right man either.

Too, I keep thinking about other men who stir things inside me, make me feel things on a spiritual level, that doesn't make sense. I attribute those emotions to lust. At least I hope it's lust. Maybe I just need to get laid again??? Being gay ain't easy...

Dude, I'm such a bad homo, LOL!

3 comments:

Cocoa Rican said...

How odd to read your story…especially since it mirrors that of me and BD. BD is NOT nine years my junior, but we did have similar issues.
…he has a 9-year old (soon to be 10-year old son) and he’s a single dad
…he wasn’t out to his family OR most of his friends
…he wasn’t out at work
…he wasn’t quite sure what he was going to do
I don’t profess to change anyone, but I also don’t intend to rush back into closets for anyone. In addition, I had to release some very selfish ways to share my baby’s stage with his son. All said, here’s what I found…
…I was not going to compromise who I was for anyone
…I was not going to date or share a relationship with a closeted man
…I wanted my man to be as openly proud of me and our relationship as I am of him
…I had to feel he was ready NOW
All said, BD and I dated for over two years before we became serious and by then it was time for full disclosure – good and bad. I compromised on the kid thing – never wanted any – but my love for the Minnie grew and today I love him like my own. I did not compromise on anything else. BD had to live and love me openly. He does. It wasn’t easy, but it sure was worth it.
We still have disagreements, but we love and respect each other. He is my very best friend. We laugh and we love. What I always tell him is that I appreciate him every single day because our love is not guaranteed or promised to us. We have to MAKE it work. Loving him comes easy…being committed to us takes daily work. Pa, you’ve got to make a list of what your ‘negotiables’ and ‘non-negotiables’ are and see if your boi can make those work. Otherwise, it doesn’t really matter how either of you feel…if your non-negotiables aren’t met, it will fall apart.

Good luck…keep passin’ the open windows…

Wonder Man said...

Your not a bad homo...things will come clear soon.

Just think about why you love him, why you need him

It's helped me in the past

photogreg said...

I don't get why you call yourself a bad homo. You're just questioning your current relationship and where it might go. That's completely normal!

And forget about the age difference. It's not the physical age, it's the ages of your souls. As you know my partner is 11 years younger, he's only been out for 4 years compared to my 25. I'm on my 3rd (and hopefully last) relationship. This is my partner's first.

I forget about our ages unless someone brings it up. We are soulmates, we love each other and enjoy each others company. We enrich each others' lives. I'd suggest concentrating on those aspects.

Take care, and take it easy! =)

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