Thursday, May 7, 2009
What Is It?
My blood is running ice cold and tiny pin pricks, shivers, are running up and down my spine. Butterflies are in my stomach, fluttering away, threatening to bring up breakfast. Oh Lawd! I'm trying to front; pretend there's nothing wrong. Oh far from the truth that lie is!!!
Tonight, my past catches up with me. Whether it's in a good way or bad way remains to be seen. Being home, I've been confronted left and right with old demons; issues long thought to be laid to rest. Guess not. Well, I'm a man now (in theory)... time to put the big boy undies on, put away those fears, and act like I got something swinging between my thighs. "Just Do It!"
Here's the reason for my trepidation. A good friend from high school turns 40 today. Recently we were lucky enough to reconnect through Facebook. Word got back through the old neighborhood I'm home and his moms caught up with me the other day. His family generously invited me to a large soiree they're having to celebrate this milestone birthday. At first, I was like "color me there" in my attitude. We hadn't seen each other for almost a decade, had fell outta touch. But then harsh insecurity reared it's head up from the depths.
"Yo Ian. Who the hell you foolin' Ain't nobody wanna see your faggot ass!"
That stopped me cold. Really? I've been keepin' low profile here. As I've mentioned being back home in parent's home, back in the old haunt, has been less than welcoming. Too many demons decided it time to take advantage of my sitch. "He's at a low point physically, let's attack him emotionally, then he's ours." Being back in my old home, my old childhood neighborhood, where so much negative shit went down, where some much of my young spirit was traumatized... well you have to gimme a lil leeway.
Here I have a great opportunity to reconnect, at the heart of the issue remains differences. Time to "come out" once again to somebody. Sigh. So tired of having to justify or explain myself. Unfortunately, Pat is on the long list of folk who don't know the deal. Now you're probably thinkin' to yourselves, "Oh please Ian, anybody who know you gotta know by now." True dat. Naturally, I go by that assumption too. Don't most people recognize by how I talk or my mannerisms, that I'm not batting for the Philadelphia Heterosexual Ball Club? Then again, people are prone to see what they wanna see.
What shouldn't be a big deal, is for me. I've never been one to deal well with confrontation, avoid it as much as possible. The subject of how I'm attracted to shouldn't come up, but I must admit, in a sports bar filled with heterosexual straight guys, not only do I feel awkward but also intimidated as well. On a whole, I generally prefer being around women and other gay/bisexual men. Old anxieties surface whenever there's prolonged exposure with straight men. I recognized most this anxiety comes from the sexual abuse, molestation and ridicule from childhood peers, and believe me, I've worked on these issues. I have. But then again, these are strange people in an unfamiliar situation. I'm nervous in the service, boys!
Oh and now I feel ashamed for feeling shamed. Internalized homophobia is such a bitch. And I don't deny having my fair share of unresolved matters concerning my sexuality, but life unfolds on a gradual process. What time it took you to get comfortable with yourselves is different from mine as will be different for someone else. Just support, lift, and edify one another as we go on this journey.
My ideal is not being surrounded in room full of most strangers. Yes, my friend Pat will be there, but then so will his wife, family, and a house of other friends, acquaintances, and associates. The demon of unworthiness is whispering in my ear, "You're stupid. You're a fraud. You're a faggot. They will laugh, judge, and ridicule you. You are reviled and unworthy to be here." I'm trying not to listen to those negatives. Gonna do my best to walk the walk and talk the talk. Gonna stare fear in the face, and as much as I wanna call to decline the invitation, I'm going...
Sigh. However, as people are prone to say, the Devil is a liar, and I'm not gonna punk out like that. Still, my fears abound. Cold, cold, COLD insecurities have always thrown monkey wrenches in my life, let it hinder me from blossoming, but no mo'! And what is there to be afraid of??? (I keep asking myself, but the nagging doubt is still there.)
Ian's Inquiry: So what do you do what doubt and insecurities step in the way. What solutions help you to find strength and courage to look fear in the face head on?
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.