Rockin' New Year's Eve

This New Year's Eve will seem empty without Dick Clark at the helm. Dick was another one of the great ones we lost this year. I think ABC plans to continue the program with Ryan Seacrest as the primary host.  

Ugh! God save us from another exposure to the La Seacrest! LOL.

It's been tradition ever I was younger to catch at least the ball drop from Time Square with Dick Clark. No matter where I was, no matter who I was with, I managed to catch the show every year for the last 35 or so years. Now, I suppose the show must go on, It's funny. Nothing kept the show from not happening. Not the extreme cold, technical difficulties, tired show divas, even Dick Clark's own stroke a number years ago....

So while I'm out partying tonight, doing whatever it is, I'll take a moment to toast Dick Clark and Rockin' New Year's Eve for 30 + years of entertainment!

Happy Anniversary

Weilding the Axe turns six years old today! Happy Blog Anniversary. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to mark the milestone. Ian just didn't have the passion this year. I took a long hiatus during the summer and before that posts were rather sparse. Yet! I'm still here. I plugged through and persevered.

My original intent was for this space to be an outlet for the side I don't often show. A place to let my guard down and just chill. Over the years I learned it's the wisest course of action to be totally transparent. Yes, I've had my naysayers, but I didn't start this endeavor to placate everyone else. I've had fun, made some friends along the way, and plain & simple, enjoyed the journey!

 So what does the Blogging  future hold for yours truly? Good question. time is a big factor. When I don't post for long periods, mainly I'm busy. I hope to rectify that in 2013 and as long as I have a few people willing to share in my adventures, share a comment or two, I'll be happy. I'm glad for the few people that do leave comments and give encouragement.

Since I began, more than a few blogs/bloggers that have fallen by the wayside. Good blogs. Still I have a few of my core group I kept in touch with hanging in there with me. I may not always leave a comment, but trust, I still read. LOL. I read more than I publish on my own joint. Again, something to remedy next year.

So for my bros in blogging who've become more like family, Viktor, Pharoah, Corey, Roger, Mardi, Della, and several others, thanks for the support and the brotherly love. For those who've I've fallen out of favor with, I wish you only peace, no malice nor resentment. Life is too damn short to carry grudges. Move on from it. I have.

I've forgiven and charged ahead with LIFE. As a friend often repeats to, the mantra I constantly tell myself when I'm frustrated,  "forgiveness is not about the forgiven. Its truly about the forgiver. By forgiving you let go of the weight holding you back, moving forward. Resentment is like peeing on yourself. It serves no purpose. Only makes you look messy!"

No truer words have been spoken. LOL.

Thanks for walking with me on the journey so far! Now let's see what's around the bend....

-Ian

So This Is Christmas?

To borrow from a  dear friend, this is gonna be a letter to "self."

Dear Self,

So this is Christmas? Well not yet, but you know the whole of December is all about Christmas, right? Yeah. A time for peace on Earth and good will to men... Um, methinks a few people missed the memo.

Three people dead at an Oregon shopping mall by a disgruntled young person. Hundreds of thousands of civilians in Syria killed. North Korea testing long range missiles. Nurses killing themselves over pranks gone wrong. Yeah, the memo must have gotten misplaced.

Self, you know how you enjoy the Holiday season. Gift giving, seasonal treats, fried turkey and lobster tails, tree trimming and friends & family alike...these are the usual Holiday rewards. But for a moment, just one, let's give pause and reflection to others in pain around the country and world. Think for once not of "how things are," but " how things should and could be."

Yes, this is Christmas. This the best time of year, or so they say. A time where one believes in miracles. Yet my spirit is restless with so much discontent. I mean, the world is a violence and disorganized place, but you hope, TRUST, that if not for one day people set aside their differences and fall in line with the Seasonal spirit.

But not everyone is Christian you say? Well, yes. You're right. But every faith and denomination has in reserve a Holy period where we rise above adversity, fall in the spirit we are a race of humans and not individual tribes, sects, and what have you. I'll go with that.

Self, I'm troubled this year by the news. Stories that make me weep, worry about society. And yes I worry about people abroad too. The soldiers overseas protecting our freedoms. The people in nations divided, hoping not for a shiny new toy, but to be able to have the basic necessities, food, water, shelter. For those who live in fear their homes and neighborhoods may fall capture or be bombed or looted.

Life, even on Christmas, doesn't stop. Remember not everyone is as fortunate as you! I'm reminded of how truly fortunate I am to live in a country where I'm afforded the luxury to grumble in long lines at Best Buy, Target, Macy's, Nordstrom just to purchase overprice holiday gifts.! Self, be grateful and be thankful that you're truly blessed. Pray for those who are not. God give them hope and the courage to endure. Faith is the gift of promise someday fulfilled.

Pray and give love and thanks. Remember and cherish. Praise and bless. These are the best gifts you can give this Holiday season.

Yes self, this is Christmas. What will you to do to bring the message to others?

In Love & Peace,
-Ian

Pearl Harbor Day

With the World War II Vets getting on in age now, with our modern day battles and concerns, I often wonder if the younger Americans stop and think about Pearl Harbor's events? I mean when you think about all of today's conflicts....We had Iraq, Still have to deal with our involvement in Afghanistan and Libya, and looks like Syria is on the list of  US involvement soon enough al Assad continues to threaten his people with chemical warfare.... Pearl Harbor seems like a small blip on the historical radar.  Let's never forget those heroes who paid the ultimate sacrifice that day so Americans (and eventually Europe) could stand tall and free.

Remembering those who fell 71 years ago today.....

World AIDS Day 2012

Happy Thanksgiving 2012

 I must be getting old, er... older, because the last few days I've been saying to myself "I can't believe the Holidays are here. Where did the year go???" LOL. My parents and grandparent always used to (and truth be told still do) say that when I just a wee lad.

Well suppose I must confess what I'm Thankful for this year. To sum it up in one word... LIFE. 2012 issued the passing of many friends and family. I'm grateful more than anything to still be here, making it. It's been a rough year, but I'm happy to be alive and able to make the necessary changes. So as I'm about to grease on some serious home cooking, I reflect on those loved ones that have gone to glory and thank them truly for their influence on my life. I'm glad they taught me a thing or two about this crazy thing called life. Bless them. Bless you. Have a great day!

World AIDS Days

Deborah Cox - Who Do U Love

Flashback...

Those Moments That Make U Smile

Every now and again, someone in my life will do something that catches me completely off-guard and just makes me smile. Makes you feel appreciated and loved. Such a thing happened today with a close associate, who shall remain anonymous, and I have to break out just wonderful, sincere, smile. I am blessed. Thank you...

In Love & Hope,
-Ian

The Door Has Always Been...Well, Open.

I suppose I shouldn't let National Coming Out Day go by with out addressing a lil something on the topic. Really, for yours truly, I don't suppose there has been any special day I officially came out, I just have been.

Coming into acceptance has been the most interesting journey. I have my good days; I have my bad. I guess everything got especially interesting after I got divorced and declared myself free from the monotony of the life I had been living. My ex-wife knew. I was doing the bi thang at the time, but I guess for me, it was inevitable I would end up where I am now.

My divorce was almost ten years ago now. Since then, well life has been interesting. It has been easy because oft I feel like the proverbial fish out of water, but I also realize I make my own life so complicated. Huh. Silly middle-aged man that I am. LOL. But I'm glad for what has come and experiences. The heartache, the joy, and friends made... yes. I will say it is worth it.

I think if memory does serve me right, the first time I acknowledged my sexuality to someone was in seventh grade to this geeky little white dude. To say it was a mistake would be wrong, it just put me on a path that looking back, I find amusing. A few years went by before opened myself up again and started telling friends in college. I've always been a lil "off," so I would expect most folk figured out the real deal. Mind you, I was sexually abused, so life was filled with complexities and stupid delusions. I realize too I had some resources at my disposal I chose not to use that COULD have made life so much simpler, but because I was too ignorant, too caught up with what someone would think, I never utilized the gifts in front of me to their full potential.

Twenty years later, I do give blessing and praises to friends, family, and "family" that were so patience with this crazy man until I got my act together. My ex-wife is my best friend and is my strongest ally. To say that I wouldn't have made it this far without her is a huge understatement. So something productive did come out our marriage...I'm still on the road to discovery. I often chide myself that I make a horrible gay man, but at least I'm trying to live my truth. It's definitely better than living a lie. Amen.

In Love & Hope,
-Ian

Any way the wind blows

Last week wasn't a good week. I'd almost say it was one of the worst for me. Things lately have been cropping up that I don't understand or am at a loss for explanation. I find myself confused and demystified by life and wondering where my place is in the grand cosmic scheme of things. Perhaps its a moment of mid-life crisis, but it feels isolating. Very lonely.I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects I have going on, but which each positive a thousand negatives rise from the depths of my memory and past and all I feel is a profound sense of shame. What's going on?

I'm not sure what triggered it, but I have some clue as to the solution. The solutions cuts to the core of who I am, or at least think I am, and I realize I need to do some soul searching. Then again, I also believe I know where the restlessness started...an innocence delving into fortune telling. A simple question returned by a very complex answer. I didn't like the answer. Perhaps that's why folks should stay away from the Tarot. Sometimes the answers you seek aren't meant to be revealed all at once. I know I'm rambling, but too is on my mind...

Xscape - Understanding

Donny Hathaway - A Song For You

Sybil Don't Make Me Over

LOL. Wonder Man posted his Sybil jam on Maybe It's Me and now here's on mine this is the one I remember. I think I played the hell outta this. My, how times change....

WCP: Flying The Friendly Skies

Part One to The West Perspective Series:

Papa Red Bear’s gotta laugh at himself with this one! Sure do. LOL. Up until recently a few years ago, yours truly hadn’t foot on an airplane prior to 9/11/11. I never enjoyed flying and avoided it at all cost. Call me crazy, but I think it’s a control thang. Between getting caught up in the aerodynamics of what’s really holding that vessel aloft, incessant ear popping, uncomfortable seats, and obnoxious flight attendants, it was just too much.

Pilots are another entity all together. Please, let that person not be drunk, too tired, or just plain in a pissy mood, so s/he gets me safely to my destination. I rest my faith in your (hopefully!) capable hands. Combine all these factors and you have a passenger that sits quietly in his seat before and during flight. I only get up when time to disembark. Yeah, I know, “¡Vaya con Dios!” Still…

Anyhoo, since my first sojourn a few years ago, I’ve become a pro at traveling now. I have my crazy rituals, but I get by. Would you believe each flight I do my best to spot the Air Marshall? There’s comfort. Once I think I’ve ascertained the official, I ease back in my seat and enjoy the ride.

I’ll be the first person to admit I perpetually run on CP time. Again, laughing at myself, when I fly I tend to step out this tardiness and be as prompt as possible. Rest is almost out of the question. This last trip I was up until three hours before I had to get up to get ready to go to the airport. I don’t know anyone who’s fond of security at airports, but I want the experience over ASAP. When they first started doing the full body screening at my local airport, I said screw it. If I can go faster to the get to my boarding gate, y’all can have as much free peeps as needed. Just get me to the gate on time!

The last few times I flew to Cali, like Ms. Badu, I’ve chosen a window. Seeing the plane take off, watching the clouds around actually brings out the lil kid in me and I’ve learned to relax much more. Take off still grips by the short hair, by it's all good. That sudden lift off the ground makes me giddy and still nervous, but I’m cool with it now. I'm learning to live with the exhilaration or it all.

By far, United Airlines is my favorite carrier. I’ve gotten a tad spoiled because I think I addicted to Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue while hearing the in the event of emergency instructions. However this last time I flew Continental which was a better experience! The seats were wider. I had more leg room. And I’ll be damned, I event enjoy the in-flight movie (they showed the Lincoln Lawyer starring Matthew McConaughey. Not bad).

I have to admit each time I fly into Los Angeles, I get a bit mystified. Seeing the sprawling expanse is still strange. I mean, yeah, we got big cities on the East Coast, but generally everything just looks like an urban jungle to me. La La Land seems surreal. Again, the impressionable child in me, still gets awestruck.

My boy Jay was waiting for me when I got to LAX this trip. After getting my eat-on, my only agenda was to get to the beach, which we did. We ended up in Redondo Beach and Manhattan Beach. Cool, though I still hadn't been to Long Beach and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I got there eventually, just not the day I landed.

After that we caught up with brother-in-blogging, Wonder Man, and hung out a bit. Some how every time I meet up with Wonder Man I always ended up on Rodeo Drive! LOL. Maybe it's that Louis Vuitton influence that he's a compelling spell over me. But Rodeo was a trip 'n a half. I longer feel like a tourist when I can laugh at other folks posin' and primpin' in front of the high-end shops.

Later, we left that scene to party at a BBQ at another friend’s house. That was some interesting shizz there and is worthy of it's own post.

Definitely a great start to a wonderful vacay….

In Joy and Hope,
-Ian

A Brand New Day

Well, it's a changes of the page, change of the calendar. A brand new day and a brand new year.... Yay. Today plenty folks are sitting down and making promises to do this, that, or the other thing to improve themselves or someone else. I wish us all the most success. I have my own agenda set for the next few weeks, so I'm right there with ya!

Now that 2011, which I've decided to give in and recognize as "Twenty Eleven," is here I will endeavor to blog more frequently. I can't guarantee my diatribe will garner much interest (have you checked out those Tumblr joints?!?! Damn.) But Just even if it's just a word or two, I'll try to maintain this for at leat one more year.

I kinda miss the collective blog we used to have, MALE. That was a colossal failure, but a learning experience.... Never mind. Just reminiscing. People tend to do that this time of year, heh heh.... Oh well. Out with the old, in with the new. Here's to new beginnings. It's a brand new day.

December 1st

My Brothers, I Do Humbly Apologize....

I realize my recent shenanigans are probably pissing everyone off to the extreme. For that I do humbly apologize. Hey, I told y'all recently I have mental health issues and I do run hot/cold with my emotions. Do cut me some slack.

Fear not though, Corey sat me down and whipped my ass into shape this morning. He pulled me aside, listened to my concerns,took the time to hear me vent, then LOVINGLY, read me the riot act. Told me my behavior lately has not been CUTE by any means. Hmph. See? Isn't that what big brothers are for. Of course, in the end he gave me so much praise and reassurance, I was humbled into embarrassment over my tirades. So I promise to be bettah!

I'll post more in a bit on what's been going down, but right now I'm working on my posts for [M.A.L.E.] and trying to get them proofread by my compatriot for publication. Got one more to write before the two will be ready for viewing. The others I will complete over the course of the weekend.

So, to my brothers, who care and always check in on me, Corey, Viktor, Hector, Thomas, David, Toddy, Kishna, and Jimmy...thanks for being patient with me. Promise I'm reigning my bull-shiggety in SOOOOOON!

What Is It?

My blood is running ice cold and tiny pin pricks, shivers, are running up and down my spine. Butterflies are in my stomach, fluttering away, threatening to bring up breakfast. Oh Lawd! I'm trying to front; pretend there's nothing wrong. Oh far from the truth that lie is!!!

Tonight, my past catches up with me. Whether it's in a good way or bad way remains to be seen. Being home, I've been confronted left and right with old demons; issues long thought to be laid to rest. Guess not. Well, I'm a man now (in theory)... time to put the big boy undies on, put away those fears, and act like I got something swinging between my thighs. "Just Do It!"

Here's the reason for my trepidation. A good friend from high school turns 40 today. Recently we were lucky enough to reconnect through Facebook. Word got back through the old neighborhood I'm home and his moms caught up with me the other day. His family generously invited me to a large soiree they're having to celebrate this milestone birthday. At first, I was like "color me there" in my attitude. We hadn't seen each other for almost a decade, had fell outta touch. But then harsh insecurity reared it's head up from the depths.

"Yo Ian. Who the hell you foolin' Ain't nobody wanna see your faggot ass!"

That stopped me cold. Really? I've been keepin' low profile here. As I've mentioned being back home in parent's home, back in the old haunt, has been less than welcoming. Too many demons decided it time to take advantage of my sitch. "He's at a low point physically, let's attack him emotionally, then he's ours." Being back in my old home, my old childhood neighborhood, where so much negative shit went down, where some much of my young spirit was traumatized... well you have to gimme a lil leeway.

Here I have a great opportunity to reconnect, at the heart of the issue remains differences. Time to "come out" once again to somebody. Sigh. So tired of having to justify or explain myself. Unfortunately, Pat is on the long list of folk who don't know the deal. Now you're probably thinkin' to yourselves, "Oh please Ian, anybody who know you gotta know by now." True dat. Naturally, I go by that assumption too. Don't most people recognize by how I talk or my mannerisms, that I'm not batting for the Philadelphia Heterosexual Ball Club? Then again, people are prone to see what they wanna see.

What shouldn't be a big deal, is for me. I've never been one to deal well with confrontation, avoid it as much as possible. The subject of how I'm attracted to shouldn't come up, but I must admit, in a sports bar filled with heterosexual straight guys, not only do I feel awkward but also intimidated as well. On a whole, I generally prefer being around women and other gay/bisexual men. Old anxieties surface whenever there's prolonged exposure with straight men. I recognized most this anxiety comes from the sexual abuse, molestation and ridicule from childhood peers, and believe me, I've worked on these issues. I have. But then again, these are strange people in an unfamiliar situation. I'm nervous in the service, boys!

Oh and now I feel ashamed for feeling shamed. Internalized homophobia is such a bitch. And I don't deny having my fair share of unresolved matters concerning my sexuality, but life unfolds on a gradual process. What time it took you to get comfortable with yourselves is different from mine as will be different for someone else. Just support, lift, and edify one another as we go on this journey.

My ideal is not being surrounded in room full of most strangers. Yes, my friend Pat will be there, but then so will his wife, family, and a house of other friends, acquaintances, and associates. The demon of unworthiness is whispering in my ear, "You're stupid. You're a fraud. You're a faggot. They will laugh, judge, and ridicule you. You are reviled and unworthy to be here." I'm trying not to listen to those negatives. Gonna do my best to walk the walk and talk the talk. Gonna stare fear in the face, and as much as I wanna call to decline the invitation, I'm going...

Sigh. However, as people are prone to say, the Devil is a liar, and I'm not gonna punk out like that. Still, my fears abound. Cold, cold, COLD insecurities have always thrown monkey wrenches in my life, let it hinder me from blossoming, but no mo'! And what is there to be afraid of??? (I keep asking myself, but the nagging doubt is still there.)

Ian's Inquiry: So what do you do what doubt and insecurities step in the way. What solutions help you to find strength and courage to look fear in the face head on?

He-Man And The Masters of The Universe

So what was it about a massive blond man in a fur bikini riding around on a green tiger that was so appealing? And what was it about the blue bodied, skull faced, "fagelah" nemesis that intrigued this homo-in-waiting? Thus was He-man.

Oh I rush home from school to catch it on Channel 29 every afternoon. It was so fascinating to me...Some strange woman who wielded magic and could transform herself into a bird, the amazing otherworldly technology, the crazy inane foolishness that folks couldn't derive all the hidden messages in the program. {Certainly if you haven't figured out those messages by now, I won't tell you}.

He-Man And The Masters of The Universe was intriguing television for this child with an imagination as big as the universe and I'm grateful for it.