Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Shame


There are moments when trying to find the proper words is so difficult. This morning I'm awake early because I didn't sleep well. Went to bed with too much on my mind, too much in my spirit. I wish I had a better writing skill to express how I'm feeling without coming across as whining, needy or complaining, but so be it, if that's how you perceive it.

By now, you heard of the deplorable situation in Tampa with the 13 year boy being sexually assaulted by his classmates. When I heard it it took me back to my own situation years ago, and all the fear, shame, and doubt washed over me like ice water. In my spirit, I feel a cold unease, an old fear crawling up my spine, as yellow as the cartoons I used to watch, portrayed on television. Sexual assualt happens all the time, but when it happens to children, when it's perpetrated by one's peers, the people you're supposed to trust, well for this overgrown child blogging now, you never get over that hurt and deep sense of being damaged.

Now I'm not going to reharsh my story. It's in the blog. Like Thaddeus said about his own blog, you need to go to the beginning of this blog and read from there. Same about the Axe. You see me here, clear, and raw. Somtimes a little too raw for my tastes. But the events down in Florida also got me thinking how different my life could have been had I not been the victim of sexual abuse and molestation.

Would I still be gay? (Probably.) Would I be more secure in myself, less prone to question my decisions and choices? (Mos def.) Would I have learned to handle situations in a manner where I ddin't need approval and comfort from everyone? (Perhaps.) Would I developed helathier relationships with people, sustaining relationship, that affirmed and edified my spirit? (Unknown.)

These are just a few questions I ask myself. And wonder now how this child is going to respond in turn in his situation. My questions abound with curiosity as to why the victim didn't tell anyone? Did he speak of the bullying to other classmates? What were the circumstances for the assault? Was the young man blossoming into his sexuality, different from the norm? When I look at the four boys, I shake my head. Little thugs. Hoodlums. And while a part of me is glad the Prosecutors are stating they want to try the four youths as adults, part of me feel sorry for them as well.

I mean, God have mercy?!?!! What in Creation possessed this four teens to do this? Was it over power? Over the victim's difference? What" All five of the youth played football together. I understand bullying, but I've never understood the sexual predatory mind....

That's what's on my heart this morning. I'm gonna try to be more positive today, say prayers to the Father Creator for both the victim and myself, but the more things change, the more they stay the same...

3 comments:

ToddyEnglish said...

When I was in junior highschool I was sexually harrassed by the boys in my gym class on a regular basis. They would expose themselves to me; tell me to perform sexual favors on them; and even grope and fondle me when I was alone.
Fortunately, I was never full on sexually assaulted (nor did I ever take them up on ANY of their advances); however, that behavior scared the hell out of me.
All kids around that age are bicurious. So when they see a kid who is noticeably "different" then they will single him out.
It is a form of bullying...Hopefully there will be laws and legislation against it.

thegayte-keeper said...

so sad to see little boys trying to be men...

Ian a.k.a. Darktomahawk said...

Well you guys know that my brother in law, before he married my sister, and a group of guys from the neighborhood made me do sexual favors on them when I was in late elementary/junior high school. This sat on my stomach for a while. I still feel bad for the young man.

One can only hope legislation would be put in place soon enough.

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