Thursday, May 1, 2008

May Day, May Day, May Day


Well, I came to my crossroads today and appear to be standing at an impasse. At least it seems that way.

I'm in a negative place. While health concerns are easing up, financial worries are increasing. Due to circumstances, I'm faced with the possibility of early retirement. Retirement? At 38? Wow. Sure, I joke about wanting to retire, but the reality of the situation is absurd! Appalling even. However, given what my physicians are telling me, it's necessary. It doesn't have to be permanent, but at least for the remainder of 2008. Merde. Shit.

This is getting out of control.

Nothing is too big God can't handle though. In this situation, I need to relinquish pride, and let Him take control. Time to swallow waaaaaaay too much pride. My ego feels I'm taking several steps backward. I don't wanna say I'm defeated, but the feeling is there. Ain't it funny how life turns on a dime? One thinks they're prepared for any given situation, until boom, it happens. This is where I am.

My emotions are raw. Everything is a combination of nervousness, fear, humiliation, shame, embarrassment, and insecurity. Throw in financial woes, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a fear of letting go, and you've my goulash of emotional unsteadiness.

Ironically, today is May 1st, "May Day." Hmph. Yeah, May Day is a celebration of spring, but is also another call for distress. There's some bailing out to do. I'm in distress right now. Help! The full impact didn't encroach until I filled my gas tank after leaving physical therapy, then I just lost it. I haven't needed to fill my tank for weeks since I wasn't driving. Gas here is about $ 3.65/gallon for regular. Ugh! Watching the cost creep higher and higher was nauseating. (I really don't see how people who commute long distances are managing.) On top of that, my car is due for State Inspection tomorrow. There's a real possibility I'll need new tires. Normally, it'd be feasible. Now, money is extremely tight. Can I afford tires??? I'll have too. Volfpax (my car's nickname. Don't ask, long story) won't pass inspection if they're needed and don't get 'em.

Nevertheless, I need to follow my own advice. God will make a way. I need to see the virtue and good in every negative situation. There are lessons to be learned here. Yet, when something cuts so close to home, to where you live, being optimistic is troublesome. The established status quo has gone out the door. My hierarchy of needs have changed and insecurities are magnified to the Nth degree. Trust in my faith, though, I will. I need to leave all these concerns in His capable hands. Just leave 'em there. He'll do the rest. Sigh.

Remember, this too shall pass.

I've been in worse situations. Handled worse. My circle of friends could easily recount extended examples where life was ass-kickin' but we managed through. I cite the lean, mean, college years, living literally penny to penny. With help, I made it then, I can now. I've grown too accustomed to being independent and self-sufficient. Reminder to self, there's no shame in the game asking for help when you truly need it. Let pride go, brother...

I appreciate my friends and family who took time to encourage me. Thanks.
-Darktomahawk

1 comment:

jonathan perry | justbthat.com said...

man we have all been there.

trust me..i have spent my last month in that place, hence no updates to my blog until last week

http://justbthat.com/journal/the-warrior-is-a-child.html

http://justbthat.com/journal/sorting-it-all-out.html

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