Thursday, April 24, 2008

Napoleonic Reflection


Something is in the air I can't quite put my finger on. There's trepidation and uneasiness in my spirit this evening. Why? The last few days, barring the Pennsylvania Primary results, have been wonderful. I got to spend time with family and friends. The weather has been beautiful. I feel physically better than I had. Plenty task that were left unresolved are finally getting completed. So what is the problem, huh?

Perhaps my spirit is restless and unsettled due to my television viewing habits Wednesday and today? Yes, last night I watched the Phillies lose to the Brewers; a game the Phillies had been winning until late in 7th inning. Carly, unjustifiably, was booted from American Idol (Brooke who screwed up massively and Jason who was just plain horrible, remained!) The season finale to Torchwood, left me feeling incomplete and disturbed. And Ugly Betty? The ensuing fiasco over Betty's birthday and the developing love tension between her and Gio left me more disquieted.

OK... Ugly Betty did have a few highlights! Seeing Marc rummage through Daniel's (actor Eric Mabius) underwear drawer, pulling out a pair of sheer black briefs, was priceless. Also, Gabrielle Union as Wilhelmina Slater's (Vanessa Williams) even more evil sister Rene, is superior! The tension between those two is delicious to a fault. Loved it. Love it!

After Betty, I wouldn't allow myself to get sucked into Grey's Anatomy, so I finished reading "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" by C.S. Lewis instead. Completing that installment of the Chronicles of Narnia did nothing to improve the situation. In summation, the evening was kinda "blah"...

Perhaps the catalyst started this afternoon as Hester and I engaged in a heavy conversation about the Status Quo of life, dating, and marriage/partnerships. Since breaking things off with Napoleon, my love life has been nonexistent. I'm not complaining. Things have been more relaxed and life has been magnanimous since he's gone. But our conversation regarding what one should or should not put up with in a relationship left me slightly deflated. How much does one endure for love? At almost 40, my firm belief is never to put up with anyone's shit. If you can't even devote some of your time to me, then you'll get none of mine. I'm tired of suffering through foolishness.

Hester and I have been through misadventures in love and relationships of semi-epic proportions in our past! I'd like to think she has moved on to bigger and better things, being married and all, but me? I've been there, done the marriage thing, and the shit didn't work out. To the next level, my misadventures in boyfriends, have also been less than spectacular situations. Eek! Been down some paths that if only I could hit rewind, hell even delete, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice!

The virtues, or lack thereof, of marriage are beyond my comprehension. The majority of my friends are either divorced, divorcing, or in loveless marriages. The majority of my friends in relationships, both gay and straight, are miserable, or dealing with endless drama and selfishness on the part of their partners. I reclaimed my independence earlier this year. Learned the tiniest bit selfishness, every now and again, isn't so bad.

Most of my friends are givers and will give of themselves until there's nothing left. Many of my friends have partners who are more than willing to absorb, suck up, and drain everything, leaving their partner/spouse/mate bereft and devoid of hope. Is this what it means to be in a relationship? And what about sex?!?!

There's nothing wrong with a healthy sexual encounter with your partner. Sex is an integral part of a relationship. But what happens when there's too little, none at all, or too much even? I love a good shag, love it! But let's be for real. I'm not at an age where I can go nonstop 24/7 anymore. There's nothing wrong with my stamina, but fucking can get old after all. There has to be some emotional connection. In my friends, and not too long ago with myself, there's a great disparity when it comes to sex. Either the relationship is based all on sex or there's just that Platonic status quo. The "roommate" mate/spouse syndrome. Again. Been there, done that, sold the rights, was a best seller, moved on.....

What I've learned since exiting my teens and 20s, is getting drunk, high, and having meaningless sex at the drop of a hat, does not make a well-rounded individual. At least not for me. I need someone with a moral center; someone I can connect with on a emotional and spiritual level, yet still have earth moving sex! Hester and I compared our war stories. She totally supported my decision in leaving Naps. Lady Miss T, the same. Reflection reminds me of my own failed nuptials, solidifies the whole "single" status lately. They both know me, perhaps better than I know myself. Each knows my heart well, knows the sentimental creature inside who needs balance.

Mind you, I'm not content with being alone, but for now, perhaps it's a good thing. I'm rediscovering myself, getting to be friends with myself, and learning to love myself even more. Self-respect has always been difficult for me. I've allowed many a partner, men and women, dominance and control in my relationships. Not because I'm a doormat, but because I'm giving caring, and compassionate. I tend to care for others greater than I do myself. I've often neglected my own needs over someone else.

Case in point, Napoleon.

In those quiet still moments, his presence lingers. My home echoed from the residual of our doomed friendship, doomed one-sided love story. Naps left clothes, toiletries, sheets, books, CDs, you name it, here. He never asked for it back. I didn't want to deal with it any longer and unceremoniously threw it in the garbage without second thought today! Normally I wouldn't do such a thing, but since he had stolen large amounts of cash and never returned borrowed items, including a $300 pair of dress shoes, I felt justified. It put a finality to it all. There's nothing left of him here.

I don't miss him, but do miss companionship. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship. Yeah, loneliness is a bitch and a half. Shit! It's a bitch and a GOOGLE. But you know? I'd rather deal with my own emotional discord than a selfish partner's.

Don't mistake this post as being maudlin. It's not. It's an observation and me working through things because of the current romantic void. I'm not in denial or being needy. Wholeheartedly, my decision to stop my dysfunctional connection with Naps has been the best life affirming decision made to date. Removing that evil from my life has increased my self-worth, -esteem, and integrity ten fold. I did a courageous thing. I invested in myself. Kicking deadbeat boy to the curb, strengthened me.

Despite adversities, I bless each passage with the men and women I've dated. Why? Because without those experiences, I wouldn't have grown. I learned from each endeavor. What are my limitations, what will I accept, what will I tolerate... through those failed commitments, I learned patience, tolerance, the value of truth, honesty, compassion, and trust. I know what the real McCoy is worth. The day I meet "the one," who ever that'll be, I'll appreciate the genuine article so much more with my current self improving process.

If you're fortunate enough to have a partner in your life, take a moment, and give them something special today. It doesn't have to be anything major, just a small gesture demonstrating your love for them. Something as simple as a smile, a neck rub, or telling them they're beautiful. It's the little kindnesses which make all the difference. Being a sentimental person, I remember all the stupid inane things my partners did to cheer and move me when I was down. Believe me a small bit of affection, appropriately given, is so meaningful and goes a long way.

In the end, your blessing will bring a million fold in reward.

Sorry. I didn't mean to get all mushy or sappy. The flux of emotions has got me under a spell. I'm missing something. Again, I'm not complaining. I believe God has a great blessing in store for me, I just need wait on Him.

-Darktomahawk

1 comment:

photogreg said...

You described much of what I went through when my EX left. I was in a deep funk for quite a while. One day I realized that I needed to get rid of photos of him and of us, plus other things around the house that represented him. I did what you did...threw them in the trash! Then, finally, the healing began.

I haven't known you that long, but I learned quickly that you are an amazing man. And someday, when you least expect it, another amazing man will come to complement your life. And you will discover the wonderful happiness of finally being with THE ONE, like I have with my partner.

Peace and Happiness,

G

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