"Before I Knew Him"

Blogger note: Since a few of my co-bloggers on MALE have been brandishing their powerful works of poetry, I decided to further open the door into who I am by posting a few pieces of my own. Now for me, my poems are a private matter. Garbage really. I wrote a poem earlier this year in honor of Barack Obama's inauguration to the Presidency back in January. Piece of crap, but I tried my best.

So going through a little journal I keep in my nightstand, I found a poem I wrote three years ago about Napoleon. Surprisingly, there a great element of truth in what I scribbled. For those of you who've been reading the Axe long enough to know my trials and errors with my ex, what do you think?

I named him "Napoleon"
but perhaps "king" would have been more apropos.
With an air (or is "heir") apparent,
he walks with gentleness,
but stubbornness to a fault.
He challenges anyone who dares
give him a double take,
question his correctness or entitlement.

Perhaps in deeds,
the actions are unforgivable
but where else does on go
when seeking such dubious promises and empty hope?
Napoleon.

His is a fire that burns inside,
fueled with strange passions and oft white lies.
Something unimaginable yet mysteries.
He's the perfect Gossamer,
a hybrid creature,
there's danger beneath that smile.

Who else knows where he goes behind closed doors?
Who understands the dictates of his motivations?
My reason is a gift,
His are only afterthoughts.

No,
the passions are his alone,
launched into unusual tirades
but deeper lends the mystery
and I am curious all the more.
In turns,
his love can be greater,
most sweeter than honey and wine.

Though I glimpse him with one eye closed
this "king-child,"
How amazing in this short time
I've observed a man I want to call mate.
A lifetime of events
crammed in few sessions
(more than one person should experience).

The future may be,
but in time only will I really know
if someday I'll give pause,
and regret the past,
score myself for unwise decisions...

But today I live in the here
and the now
and all He does is makes me feel warm and right.
Let tomorrow worry about itself.

egane
Written about "Napoleon"
penned 26 July 2006
titled 21 February 2009

Need It, Want It, Gotta Have It!

*** While I gave this a label of *personal rant* label, this post is more a humorous poke at my state of being. Rest assured, I'm kewl. Just so my Fry Guy knows that. Yeah , I called you out again....read Brother, read.***
You know I love you brothers, right? Why is it the folks I know in Cyberspace can snap me outta my shit quicker than the folks I know in real time? Hm. I ask you?

My blogging brothers (and sisters) who've stopped by, left a comment, thanks goes out to you. Keep up with the comments. I do appreciate 'em.

Now I know I've been posting some finga snappin', witty-ass stuff lately, but believe me peeps, it's all a clever disguise. Lemme give you the inside scoop. Before I go off on my tangent, honorable mention thanks goes to Real for always, always, keepin' it real. He seems to be in tune with the ebbs and flow of my moods, reading in between the lines when I haven't said word the first! Cheeky monkey!Thanks brutha, you da man! Seriously.

Additional thanks also goes out ta Corey for listening to my side stories that don't get posted. A bastion of wisdom, Cor understands the triumphs, struggles, and ordeals I've been facing. Like I admitted to him recently, at 38, I thought I'd have arrived by now. Instead, well, I'm learning this is a process, learning you never really stop learning life's lessons. Your boy has been been backsliding. On the down escalator to gay adolescence. Never a good thing with me. Danger, danger, danger Will Robinson!

Make no mistake, I'm not sad. Far from it! Sexually frustrated is more like it. Rarely do I mention my sex life on the blog, save for the occasional instance on my celibacy. That doesn't mean I don't have burning, yearning, that's driving my ass crazy! Until this point, I've been reserved. Sexual discussion here seems a tad gauche. But my blog is about my life as I see fit to share and publish. Shouldn't be nothin but a thing to throw a few words atcha.

I wonder though, shouldn't I be reserved? For those who know me on the Outside, they know I'm frank, candid, and very forthcoming about sexual topics. I'm not nasty, but I have no problem discussing what do, have done, or wanna do. But here? My brothers, I didn'twant ya thinking I'm licentious, lascivious, and just plain damn oversexed. But you guys know I have that other blog, so you musta had some clue. Adina's Freak Like Me has been on my mind bad, LOL! "Freak in the morning, freak in the evening, rough neck brother that can satisfy me!" Indeed. That threshold was crossed months ago...

So what's your problem???

Well, there really isn't one. I informed Queen Hester, come Hell or High water, I'm not leaving 2008 without getting l-a-i-d. I plan on throwin celibacy out the damn window! Not that there haven't been opportunities recently, but after my oh-so-wonderful crash and burn break up with Napoleon back in August, my spirit need time to cleanse. Rid myself of all the negative energy. I was tired, am tired, of the meaningless casual sex (which is what sex with Naps amounted to). Yes, I wanna get my groove on, but I also want the love that's supposed to be attached with it. I want the real deal. Time to stop moanin' Keyshia's words 'bout love.

See here, I'll be totally honest, Napoleon took my heart when he left. But that nigga was no damn good. If I told you half the monkey shit I went through, your heads would be spinning. You'd wonder what took me until August to kick his sorry ass to the curb? Then again, you guys who have been entrenched in a man may you understand my sitch.

Love, even false love, is a powerful emotion. With Napolean, I loved him with every spare moment. Love worthy of self sacrifice love. Was willing to do things for this man I never thought I'd do. Make steps I thought I'd never take. But that relationship is gone.

Hell no! I don' miss his trifflin' ass. I could use every explicative I know in all three languages I speak and still wouldn't have enough. While I ask and pray God gives me the spirit to not speak ill of Napoleon, I personally hope I never lay eyes on mofo evah again. Eff that! Eff him! Whenever my resolve crumbles, I just remind myself of every bad habit he had, every ounce I poured into supporting him with little to no return, every tear I shed in vain, all the worry he caused when he'd disappear days on end with no contact, the shit he stole from me... I snap out of my illusion we had anything substantial. God bless him, but Napoleon is one sorry ass muthafucka!

So in August, after I slept with Naps for the last time... and I knew it was over cause the sex was just bad, I mean really, really, really, terrible...I put myself on that self-imposed celibacy wagon once more. Fast forward to now, December, and my libido is actin' out overtime. I've been handling my own, but a man can only stoke his own nut before the shit gets old.

Relief? I wanna creeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Yes, I said "No casual hook-ups. I'm waiting for the real deal," but damn fellas, tell how long you've stayed celibate in your adult life??? My hormones are itchin', time to scratch! Seeing my current straight crush, Gemini, every day don't help matters neither!

Solution? I'm three hours in any direction to Philly, DC, NYC, B-more, or Pittsburgh. All bets are off for the remainder of the year! You're dealing with a middle aged man in heat. Laugh if you wanna, but its soooo true. Besides, I know my body. I've never gone longer than six months without breaking down. At least not since I was 22 anyway. Dunno. Should be broadcasting my dirty laundry? Heh! I try to have some morals. Just because I'm a gay-, SGL-, whateverlabelyouwannagimme, man doesn't mean I need to be a heathen dawg.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Spiritual cleansing or no, I admit right here, right now, I need sex. My rational brain is shutting down; instinct is taking ovah! I need it, I want it, I gotta have it. And not the gentle lovemakin' kind. I mean the really dirty, sweaty, make you walk crooked the next day cause the-freak-was soooo-good kind.

Laugh with me. Part of this is in jest, part grounded in truth. In all practicality, I'm just ready to move on with this year. Ready for the Oh-Nine. 2008 licked my butt good. Time now to regroup, evaluate my past mistakes, and get my head on straight. The next few months the real adventure begins. I'll be going back to work. A decent man will step into my life. Gosh (Oh how Poindexter!) I might even marry again; have those obnoxious progeny my mum keeps wishing for me to have. With the end of this year, ends the Napoleonic Saga. Yes, Waterloo has arrived. I was so stuck. Mired down. I allowed that arsehole to take my glory.

The moral to my little story here? I'm ready for the next stage of life to begin. You know I miss going to the clubs. Miss traveling. Miss being my care free, sassy, but oh-so-wonderful self. I need only be patient. Yours truly don't need shagging the first man come along to find worth and happiness. I get too emotionally attached. Like my fave song says, "Take the time, do it right, we can do it, baby do it tonight." Well, maybe not tonight, but soon....LOL. Thanks for reading my humorous rant.

-Ian.

Ain't Nothin Here For You (Anymore)!

There isn't much to say about Napoleon's visit this past weekend 'cept it was an emotional experience. As quickly as he whizzed into town, just as fast, Napoleon stepped into his car and zoomed out again. I'm not sure what to make of it. The ordeal bears need for further examination.

What is it about an old love that can send you spiraling backwards, making the same foolish, stupid mistake you once did? Hmm? I ask you. Fortunately, my spirit has grown since our break up, and is more anchored. From the moment I got the call he was headed over Friday night, I knew I wouldn't be backsliding too much. I allowed myself a little room for error though. No other man in my life has swayed me like Naps. He was my rock and a blessing when I needed him. But he's immature and incredibly selfish too. You'll be proud of me. There was no sexin' going on, but that doesn't mean I wasn't tempted the whole weekend. I'm no one's booty call anymore! I've grown up. LOL

The first three hours of his visit consisted of me yelling, and I hollering, as loud as I could. I'm surprised my neighbors didn't call the cops. Tapped into reserved pockets of bitterness, anger, disappointment, and hurt, I said things that were months in the developing. Nasty stuff. Every explicative in my vocabulary, and then some, was used. I was so irritated at him! Irritation doesn't begin to describe the depth of my feelings. My fuse was lit and there wasn't any dousing it. Our fight months back hurt me.

Yet, "that which does not kill me, makes me strong."

Eventually, I worked threw my emotions, then allowed him to present his case. Surprisingly, he admitted his wrong doing, his mistakes, his flaws. He event offered to pay the money back he owed me. I knew Napoleon didn't have it, so I left him off the hook. We spent the remainder of the evening, into the wee hours, talking and smoking cigarettes. Mainly, I didn't trust him in my home. I have a tendency to sleep like a rock and I know as sure as I'll be black till the day I die, he'd have been all through my shit. Trust is earned and once broken, it takes Heaven and Earth to get it back. With Napoleon sitting on the right hand side of Loki, it doesn't seem plausible our friendship will return to what it was, and never, back to lovers.

So much is still unresolved. We did establish a tentative friendship, which means he has to reestablish my trust and security. Until then, I told him point blank I was keeping him at arms length. We talked. I owed it, not so much for him, but myself, to hear an explanation why our friendship went south. Before we became more than friends, he was someone I valued in my life. He was like a brother. Our fight took a joy from my spirit. Truth be told, I missed his presence in my life. Oh Hell no! There's no way I could let Napoleon in full time now! Too much damage has been done. Too much trust broken. But you never know. IF he proves to me he has his life back together and on the right path, there's always the possibility....

More later.

Lay Me Down To Sleep...

It's been a long day for a number of reasons, tiring, with several moments of irritation. It's funny when you have nothing to do, you have everything to do. Fortunately a few things got resolved before day ended.

I have PT early in the morning, so I'm actually headed to bed earlier than usual. Sleeping is going to be tedious tonight. There are pressing issues engaging my thoughts. Thoughts that are just burdensome. Plus, loneliness keeps knocking at the door. Did some major thinking about Napoleon tonight, mainly because I was looking for something, then realized he stole it. Groan. Still, that was my latest relationship, so it's difficult to let go easily. Absence has a way of making things seem better than what they are/were.

Make no mistake, Napoleon is not coming back into my life. I ask God to allow me to forgive him each day. I ask God to keep him safe from harm. But in no way do I want Napoleon's chaos back in my life. I'm so much more at peace now. Lonely, but at peace.

I posted the brother to the right because I'm dreaming of someone perfect like that will step into my life. Yes I know physical beauty fades. Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. I feel ya. I need someone to feed the spiritual and emotional side, but a little beauty won't hurt either, LOL.

Oh, I'm not depressed, just at another crossroads. They seem to be occurring more and more frequently. I'm probably out of rest. So as I hit the hay, I'm going to dream about the man in the picture, or at least someone I do have my eye on. (Shh, I'm not telling you about him. Yet!) I hope sleep will welcome me peacefully. Tomorrow is a brand new day. A brand new month. A new chance to start over anew again.

Here I go...

Napoleonic Reflection

Something is in the air I can't quite put my finger on. There's trepidation and uneasiness in my spirit this evening. Why? The last few days, barring the Pennsylvania Primary results, have been wonderful. I got to spend time with family and friends. The weather has been beautiful. I feel physically better than I had. Plenty task that were left unresolved are finally getting completed. So what is the problem, huh?

Perhaps my spirit is restless and unsettled due to my television viewing habits Wednesday and today? Yes, last night I watched the Phillies lose to the Brewers; a game the Phillies had been winning until late in 7th inning. Carly, unjustifiably, was booted from American Idol (Brooke who screwed up massively and Jason who was just plain horrible, remained!) The season finale to Torchwood, left me feeling incomplete and disturbed. And Ugly Betty? The ensuing fiasco over Betty's birthday and the developing love tension between her and Gio left me more disquieted.

OK... Ugly Betty did have a few highlights! Seeing Marc rummage through Daniel's (actor Eric Mabius) underwear drawer, pulling out a pair of sheer black briefs, was priceless. Also, Gabrielle Union as Wilhelmina Slater's (Vanessa Williams) even more evil sister Rene, is superior! The tension between those two is delicious to a fault. Loved it. Love it!

After Betty, I wouldn't allow myself to get sucked into Grey's Anatomy, so I finished reading "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" by C.S. Lewis instead. Completing that installment of the Chronicles of Narnia did nothing to improve the situation. In summation, the evening was kinda "blah"...

Perhaps the catalyst started this afternoon as Hester and I engaged in a heavy conversation about the Status Quo of life, dating, and marriage/partnerships. Since breaking things off with Napoleon, my love life has been nonexistent. I'm not complaining. Things have been more relaxed and life has been magnanimous since he's gone. But our conversation regarding what one should or should not put up with in a relationship left me slightly deflated. How much does one endure for love? At almost 40, my firm belief is never to put up with anyone's shit. If you can't even devote some of your time to me, then you'll get none of mine. I'm tired of suffering through foolishness.

Hester and I have been through misadventures in love and relationships of semi-epic proportions in our past! I'd like to think she has moved on to bigger and better things, being married and all, but me? I've been there, done the marriage thing, and the shit didn't work out. To the next level, my misadventures in boyfriends, have also been less than spectacular situations. Eek! Been down some paths that if only I could hit rewind, hell even delete, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice!

The virtues, or lack thereof, of marriage are beyond my comprehension. The majority of my friends are either divorced, divorcing, or in loveless marriages. The majority of my friends in relationships, both gay and straight, are miserable, or dealing with endless drama and selfishness on the part of their partners. I reclaimed my independence earlier this year. Learned the tiniest bit selfishness, every now and again, isn't so bad.

Most of my friends are givers and will give of themselves until there's nothing left. Many of my friends have partners who are more than willing to absorb, suck up, and drain everything, leaving their partner/spouse/mate bereft and devoid of hope. Is this what it means to be in a relationship? And what about sex?!?!

There's nothing wrong with a healthy sexual encounter with your partner. Sex is an integral part of a relationship. But what happens when there's too little, none at all, or too much even? I love a good shag, love it! But let's be for real. I'm not at an age where I can go nonstop 24/7 anymore. There's nothing wrong with my stamina, but fucking can get old after all. There has to be some emotional connection. In my friends, and not too long ago with myself, there's a great disparity when it comes to sex. Either the relationship is based all on sex or there's just that Platonic status quo. The "roommate" mate/spouse syndrome. Again. Been there, done that, sold the rights, was a best seller, moved on.....

What I've learned since exiting my teens and 20s, is getting drunk, high, and having meaningless sex at the drop of a hat, does not make a well-rounded individual. At least not for me. I need someone with a moral center; someone I can connect with on a emotional and spiritual level, yet still have earth moving sex! Hester and I compared our war stories. She totally supported my decision in leaving Naps. Lady Miss T, the same. Reflection reminds me of my own failed nuptials, solidifies the whole "single" status lately. They both know me, perhaps better than I know myself. Each knows my heart well, knows the sentimental creature inside who needs balance.

Mind you, I'm not content with being alone, but for now, perhaps it's a good thing. I'm rediscovering myself, getting to be friends with myself, and learning to love myself even more. Self-respect has always been difficult for me. I've allowed many a partner, men and women, dominance and control in my relationships. Not because I'm a doormat, but because I'm giving caring, and compassionate. I tend to care for others greater than I do myself. I've often neglected my own needs over someone else.

Case in point, Napoleon.

In those quiet still moments, his presence lingers. My home echoed from the residual of our doomed friendship, doomed one-sided love story. Naps left clothes, toiletries, sheets, books, CDs, you name it, here. He never asked for it back. I didn't want to deal with it any longer and unceremoniously threw it in the garbage without second thought today! Normally I wouldn't do such a thing, but since he had stolen large amounts of cash and never returned borrowed items, including a $300 pair of dress shoes, I felt justified. It put a finality to it all. There's nothing left of him here.

I don't miss him, but do miss companionship. A dysfunctional relationship is still a relationship. Yeah, loneliness is a bitch and a half. Shit! It's a bitch and a GOOGLE. But you know? I'd rather deal with my own emotional discord than a selfish partner's.

Don't mistake this post as being maudlin. It's not. It's an observation and me working through things because of the current romantic void. I'm not in denial or being needy. Wholeheartedly, my decision to stop my dysfunctional connection with Naps has been the best life affirming decision made to date. Removing that evil from my life has increased my self-worth, -esteem, and integrity ten fold. I did a courageous thing. I invested in myself. Kicking deadbeat boy to the curb, strengthened me.

Despite adversities, I bless each passage with the men and women I've dated. Why? Because without those experiences, I wouldn't have grown. I learned from each endeavor. What are my limitations, what will I accept, what will I tolerate... through those failed commitments, I learned patience, tolerance, the value of truth, honesty, compassion, and trust. I know what the real McCoy is worth. The day I meet "the one," who ever that'll be, I'll appreciate the genuine article so much more with my current self improving process.

If you're fortunate enough to have a partner in your life, take a moment, and give them something special today. It doesn't have to be anything major, just a small gesture demonstrating your love for them. Something as simple as a smile, a neck rub, or telling them they're beautiful. It's the little kindnesses which make all the difference. Being a sentimental person, I remember all the stupid inane things my partners did to cheer and move me when I was down. Believe me a small bit of affection, appropriately given, is so meaningful and goes a long way.

In the end, your blessing will bring a million fold in reward.

Sorry. I didn't mean to get all mushy or sappy. The flux of emotions has got me under a spell. I'm missing something. Again, I'm not complaining. I believe God has a great blessing in store for me, I just need wait on Him.

-Darktomahawk

We Now Resume Our Regular Programming

So I haven't been blogging much lately. I feel bad about it, almost like its an obligation to the regular readers. Of course I realize there are plenty who come to the Axe to window shop for eye candy, which is fine. I haven't post many thoughts or eye candy in a while. Hell, I haven't even kept up with my usual blog reads or my email. I've just been blah lately...snap out of it already!

Despite not blogging, there's been much on my mind since I got out of the hospital. I've been home now for a week, catching up with reality. I did read one or two emails, one from a reader wanted to know what was wrong with me, if I had HIV or something. While I'm not offended by their concern, why is it if I'm sick, the automatic assumption is I'm HIV positive? I thought we got past that? This isn't 1988. It's 2008! Still, given how I've been sick for a long time, I suppose I can understand why someone would jump to the conclusion.

To answer the question to said reader, No, I do not have HIV, AIDS, or cancer, for that matter. While I am usually free and open about my life, I am reserved about talking about certain topics, especially my health matters. I have an illness that is not a sexually transmitted disease, but is fairly common, and on certain days, makes me less than whole.

Whenever I get sick with other illnesses (as I did in January and February with the flu and my upper respiratory infection) they exacerbate the problem to the point I can get seriously ill, and if not careful, terminal. Make no mistake, when I was admitted to the hospital recently (on my birthday, no less, dammit) I was very lucky. The admitting doctors said if I had waited any longer, I could have died.

But never fear, I'm here, better, heavily medicated, and resting comfortably. I do need to thank my extended family, my circle of friends, who were there for me when I needed them. There are way to many to list off, but they know who they are.

Now.... Where do I go from here? Well, since I have the next three months to convalesce, I suppose I could throw my opinion in on the Democratic Presidential Nomination battle between Barack and Hillary. It looks like I might actually vote in a PA Primary for the first time! Don't get me wrong, I vote, just usually not in the Primaries because by the time they get to Pennsylvania, decisions have been made. Not so this year. Looks like the Keystone State is gonna be crucial to either camp's possible delegate count.

You know who I support, but to be honest, I'm really tired of Obama and Clinton squabbling. Unite and defeat McCain! Does our country need another four to eight years of the Republican overlords? Why won't any politician admit the country is in a Recession? What about the drain on resources from the War? Rising gas prices? Unemployment? The mortgage crunch? Health care?

Oh lord! I really need to get off this subject....where are the sexy men at?!?! While I was in the hospital, to keep my brain from congealing into ooze from the daytime talk shows and soaps, I watched CNN (never Fox News though) and was inundated with all things Political. I'm tired of it all as I said. So, I'll try not to discuss it in the blog too terribly much.

Anyone watching this season's American Idol? I like Idol's approach this year, but I'm not fond of many of the contestants. Of course, I'm throwing my support behind the little bundle of cuteness, David Archuletta. Unlike Sanjaya, David doesn't come across as gay (not that there's anything wrong with being gay, Sanjaya just needs to be honest with himself) and actually has talent.

I'm not sure about the Idol contestants. The guys seem better than the women this season. Only a few contestants sit well with me however. My least favorites are Kristy Lee Cook (Legs), Amanda Overmyer (Skunkhead) and Romiele Malubay (Miss Will-You-Be-My-BFF?).
I also noticed there were plenty gay contestants in the top 24, but now they're weeding us all out. And what the Hell?!?! Did AI fall in love with the name David this year or what? LOL.

I won't discuss stripper boy, David Hernandez, only mention American Idol handled the situation the only way they could without addressing it directly. I've long believed Idol manipulates voting results to how they want.

While Mr. Hernandez wasn't the worst last week (certainly Kristy Lee was with her country rendition of Eight Days A Week), Idol never said one word about David's stripping past in a gay establishment or about his implied sexuality. Some cried foul. Remember former contestant Frenchie? Remember Corey Clarke? Minority contestants, who for some reason or another, had a speckled past and were booted. Yet, American Idol didn't dismiss a Caucasian looking contestant. Hmmmm...

Playing Devil's Advocate, Hernandez is a Spanish name, however, so technically, he could possibly be considered a minority. Not in my book, but others, may says yes. In my estimation though, American Idol knew they had to do something about David Hernandez. Because his of stripping past, the powers-that-be needed to address the issue, or the issue would've taken a life of its own and overshadowed the show. So, I'm sure they rigged the results.

On a different note... someone asked me yesterday if I "like" (translation: was attracted to) AI contestant Jason Castro. I almost choked on my soda! First of all, that boy is young enough to be my son. Second, I really don't like dreadlocks on white men (again, technically, Jason is of South American decent, therefore could be considered a minority). Third, I need a man (or woman, at this point I'll take what God sends me) and not a "child." Been there, done that with Napoleon, sold the rights, it was a bestselling novel! No. The older I get, you seriously need to be born in the same decade as I was before I consider "whatevah" with you.

The licentious skank in me though, does want you to know I noticed how tight Jason's jeans were last night. It didn't turn me on, but I noticed.

And saving the not so best for last, Napoleon....

Our "friendship" is done once and for all. I've stuck to my grounds and I'm glad. I need not say too much more but one factor that played an crucial part in my decision is he stole $65 from me, then lied about it. I'd bet the farm he did. But there were other concerns and reasons why I cut him loose. Despite being sick, I did break down and sleep with him back in February. I was lonely and a little desperate. Worse still, is we didn't use a condom. Argh. I know, I know, I know... let's not lecture me on stupidity. I know better. I got lectured by all of my friends. I got tested several times since and I get an AIDS test every few months regularly (not that much action is hittin' my doorstep, but that shit incubates, and comes home to roost whenever it's ready). AIDS is on the rise in the African American community and I was stupid. I used to teach people on AIDS awareness. I know better!!!

Hester and Lady Miss T understand though. They saw the charm and magnetism first hand Napoleon has. He can be downright irresistible. Of course Prince's song Irresistible Bitch comes to mind. Still, Naps is by far, the most selfish person to ever walk the face of Mother Earth. He's beyond fucked up for a myriad of reasons I won't get into. He wears you down, uses, and throws you away. I had to reach inside and pull out my self-esteem. I had to ask God to forgive and try to move on. I hold no malice towards him, I just have to let him go. What's the old saying? If you love someone, set them free.

Let's not delude things, what I felt wasn't real love, but it felt like it at times.

So do you feel sufficiently caught up? I hope so. I might just do a few picture posts for a while until I can get back into the groove. As always, live life to the fullest, and stick by the blog. Thanks for reading.

DT.

Anger & Tears

Figured I'd do one more post before bed. No pictures tonight, just words. It's bitterly cold outside tonight, winds blowing somethin fierce outside. Good night to be under the covers with the electric blanket on. Good night for a nice novel. I've got several waiting for me.

Blog posts might be lite for the next few days while I reassess where I want the Axe to go. I realize some posts have been deeply person and heavy. I put myself out there beyond my comfort zone, now I'm feelin' a little ashamed, slightly embarrassed. Originally, I started blogging because I thought it'd be a great way to express thoughts and opinion, plus dish some eye candy on the side. I'm not feel overly creative these days, feelin' like I'm just bitching and rehashin' the same old same old. Is my blog really interesting? Really? perhaps, but my soul searching has run aground with recent road blocks and sandbars in route.

Napoleon and I have been bickering more than ever lately. Just a matter of time till we're no longer friends. I can't blame him entirely. I get impatient with him too easily. I forget he still hasn't crossed all the journeys I have. Nevertheless, I am far from shallow or materialistic. I don't judge or value someone by how much money is in their wallet or by their appearance. If I'm friends with you, developed a connection, you've touched and intrigued my mind, isn't that what life is about? An exchange of thoughts and ideas, striving for self and community improvement?

Naps has a way of makin' me feel like shit about myself in a way none of my other friends do. As I said, he's a shallow bastard, and judges quickly on personal appearance and is ill mannered. He'll quickly blurt out whatever's on his mind before thinking about ramifications. The boy is drop dead gorgeous, sure, but I wonder sometimes if he has a heart? I am by no means a pretty boy or consider myself remotely handsome. I struggle with self-esteem and image, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and show my emotions easily and often. Naps is calculating and a huge drama queen. No matter the topic, conversation, or situation, he has a way of diverting all attention and focus back to him.

Our original fight started a couple weeks ago when he started dating his new beau du jour, "Joesph." I can't stand the bastard. My mum taught me if you really can't be nice or show kindness to someone, stay away from them, which I'm doing. I've broken plans with Naps because I really don't care to spend my evening feeling bad about myself or stuck with him and Joey all glamorous, pretty, and A&F-ing about at the clubs. I'm just not in that place anymore. While I'm trying to build positive esteem, Naps seem to quickly want it dismantled. Ugh! Why? Must I be your standard of handsome to be your friend?!?!

Rejection is a bitch and a half! So on top of dealing with not feeling accepted, secure, or even attractive, I now have two or three friends actin' asinine lately. Now is when I need to rally positive enforcement, not feel like I'm some heathen troll that deserves to sit at the back of the room. We all can't be 6'2", 146 lbs, and have abs out the wazzoo. And if that is the case, what is somebody in my situation supposed to do? Sit back and accept being the friggin' sidekick? So you keep me around so I can show the world how merciful you are?!?! WTF!

"Isn't that so nice of {Napoleon}! He's being so kind to that ugly guy!" Grrrrr! Please fuck off and die. Again, if you're that shallow that I have to be the ideal, typical, stereotypical gay clone (from either the gay black or gay white community), then why am I you're friend? I don't fit into either category. I'm just me. Cut me a break!

I'll end this on one of the best quotes that comes to mind, the words from Cellie's character in the Color Purple expressed when she finally leaves with Shug from rotten ol' Mister. Nobody said it better than Whoopi Goldberg.... and thank you God, for Alice Walker, because my heart understands the words tonight.

"I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here! ..."

Bon Anniversaire

Well its been a year of blogging on the Axe and what a year its been. I haven't made every opportunity to post everyday like I want to, but I try as often as time permits.

So what do you think people? To be honest, I write from the heart or the heat of the moment. It's personal but I try to put a spin so I think people will find interest. Do you like what you've been reading? Is it interesting? Are changes needed (besides my grammar at times)? Is it too revealing? Dull? Childish? Hm? Good questions...wait and see what happens in 2008.

I've gotten some feedback from people on my g-mail and a few comments from readers. I recently added a counter at the bottom of the page to get an idea how many hits the Axe gets. Thanks to my faithful friends who read and all the others who've endured the journey along the way. Feel free to drop a line. If you have a blog send me the link and I'll link back to you. I wouldn't mind getting readership increased. There's only one or two people I can think I don't want to know about this, but I'm sure they'll find it soon enough. They possibly might even find themselves mentioned here. More than likely, they will.

So,tonight I prepped for Christmas by adding to my holiday shopping and went out for sushi with Queen Hester. I've had my fill of sushi for a while cause I ate a ton of it. After dining I went back to Hester's house, watched Pirates of the Caribbean: World's End and got a my fill of cookies, homemade fudge, and Amaretto DiSaronno laden tea. It's good thing Pirates was a drawn out film, I lost my buzz halfway through the movie. Boy I'm glad I didn't pay the $9 to see that in the theater. The plot was so convoluted. I couldn't follow, too much double crossing. It wasn't the worst film I've seen, but they should have made World's End into two separate movies. And what was up with the unresolved vengeance Calypso was gonna dish out to Davy Jones??? God that movie was weak. Yeah, I know I'm late watching.

Last night I didn't blog, choosing instead to grocery shop for my Christmas Eve and Day dinner menu. After shelving my groceries I watched Julie Andrews in her best performance as Mary Poppins and my uber-hunk fantasy man Shemar Moore in Diary of A Mad Black Woman. As much as I like Tyler Perry's Madea character, Diary was a little trite. Don't hate! I understood the message, but it was just too Hollywood; unrealistic. Life is a bitch and he's out to kick as much ass a possible. He don't care who he hurt (like my grammar?)!

For as much as I should be getting ready for birthdays, Christmas Eve/Day, and Boxing Day festivities (sleeping in mostly that day), I've been a real lazy ass all weekend. I talked on the phone a good portion of the day, particularly with Tamodi, who was calling for directions to the Verizon Center in DC. Tamodi was takin' her daughter to the Chris Brown concert as an early Christmas present, but got on the highway and forgot the directions. Lucky girl, I hope Maya enjoyed the performance. I'm jealous she went, CB is definitely hot! But I don't think he swings that way. Nope, no sir, I don't think so at all.

My laziness was overplayed today. I haven't even purchased Lady Miss T's birthday presents yet. Time is running out! Her birthday is tomorrow!!!!

By the way Miss T, Happy Birthday to You, grrrrl. You look fab-u-lous for only being 24! Well add a couple more candles to that cake, but you still look younger than I do. At least people guess your age to be a decade and a half below your correct age. Sheesh. You look as pretty as the day we met and I'd do it all over again. Well almost everything, I'd trim the adverse times out this time.

Back to other things going on, I still haven't approached Myjah, the whole issue is unresolved, but at least a dialogue is continuing. We had a long conversation Thursday evening and he seems to have his head screwed on better than I do, yet something is amiss with him. I can't put my finger on it. Oh his religion isn't even a factor anymore. I'm 99.44% sure he's gay. I did some heavy flirting, but I won't say he reciprocated. To be honest, I might be losing interest because I need to dedicate time and love to myself first. These last few weeks have proven I don't need to be in a relationship until I get my own house in order.

Along with Myjah issues, I backslid and ended up in a sexual situation with Napoleon again. I swore him off, but dude showed up at my house lookin' all too handsome and cute in his saggy jeans, showing of his ass in his formfitting boxer briefs. Mmmm. OK, yeah I knew he wanted something. All Naps ever has to do is fling himself at me with sexual overtones and I tend to acquiesce to his wants. I'm old enough to know better. I'm angry because I broke my self-imposed chastity vow, but I feel proud enough that I didn't engage in full blow intercourse with Naps. Boy is a master manipulator.

After the Christmas holidays, I'm hoping I can disentangle myself from Napoleon and Myjah's distractions. My plan for 2008 is really to get back to the heart of who I am. I had been doing volunteering earlier in the year, but when I got sick, my extracurricular activities all got sidelined. I need to take the selfish focus off myself and give back to the community. My talents are best served by giving, not hording. Been doing way too much feelin' sorry for myself lately. Maybe my problems from last week stem from too much self-indulgence and were a wake call from the Lord tellin' me get with the real program.

So, that where I is at. (Great grammar, but I actually say that!). I'll try to blog one more time today, but it might not be until late. I still have to finish my shopping and do major house cleaning. Christmas will be busy with church, friends, and cooking Christmas Day Dinner.

When The Mind becomes Cluttered...

It's then always a good time for a good house cleaning.

My thoughts proceed me and I hope I collect them to form a legible post. Today is significant for two reasons. It's the anniversary of my high school graduation and also the anniversary of my break-up with my first real boyfriend since I came out. Both have had an impact in my life and neither situation lived up to their full potential. Let's start with my high school graduation.

It's hard to believe I've been out of high school for 19 years now. The time has flown by and leaves me with with regrets and unfulfilled promise. Somehow I don't think my life was supposed to turn out to be this way. I'm not impressed with life as I know it. When I graduated and went on to collect, I wanted to make a career where I had influence on the world; helping to improve lives. I majored in psychology, with minors in history and philosophy, and dabbled in a political science. My vocational aspirations changed several times during college and I graduated feeling even more confused than when I entered.

Today I work in Human Services, which has it's rewards, but in my current profession, there are too many days where I feel drained and unattached. My job has become routine and mundane. While I want to go back to school and work on completing my Master's Degree, financially, it's not an option. I wrestle with what I want to be when I "grow up." I better hurry, at 37, time has given me ample opportunity to discover the professional me. Recently I contemplated going into the Drug & Alcohol/Chemical Dependency field, but would require going back to school to touch up on my skills. Again, money is the almighty issue.

What is my true passion? I wish I knew. I feel embarrassed when i tell people what I do for a living. I'm not about making tons of money, but I feel like my job is menial and isn't important enough. At least it doesn't feel important to me. For what I do, I don't often earn enough money to support myself. Mind you, I'm not on the verge of being destitute, but I have poor health insurance and a crappy time off schedule (APL: All Purpose Leave, the bane of every professional employee's existent. Eek)! I deliberated doing something I enjoy like art or cooking, but I'm not sure how to get my foot in the door. I'd love to own my own restaurant. Sometimes, I think that's my true calling.

Cooking gives me pleasure and I received more than enough compliments on my dishes I've created over the years. I learned how to cook at the feet of my paternal grandmother and also my father. I guess something in those Southern genes rubbed off on me. Plus I think it helps that I like to EAT. Anybody who loves food as much as I do has to have some passion about cooking.

I'm not looking forward to going back to my 20 year Class Reunion next year. Suffice to say, I have much catching up to do and repair before I even begin to prepare returning to the hallowed halls of my Alma Mater.

Then we have Patrick. Ah, yes Patrick. Asshole Patrick. Patrick who had the audacity to cheat on me and want to continue in a relationship. Patrick who was a self-loathing jerk that compared me to a "warm-spring day." Patrick, that weirdo with the foot fetish who could only achieve orgasm by masturbating with my feet in his face or on his private area! Patrick who was really, really, REALLY lousy in bed, was a sloppy kisser, and was a HOG when it came to his home. His apartment was NEVER clean. Patrick who borrowed my Prince 1999, Josh Groban, and Barry White CDs and never returned. Patrick who ditched me at Gay Pride to chase some dirty old disgusting queen...ugh! Yes, I have resentment. Yes, I have regret. Regret I ever was stupid enough to enter into a relationship with him. Still, I have to remind myself what my friend Mark tells me.

"Regret is like peeing on yourself. Both serve no real purpose and are really messy!

It's been a few months since I've been in any semblance of a relationship. After the fiasco with Napoleon blew up in my face a couple of weeks ago, I'm seriously put off by the situation with men. I'm starting to believe I will never be in a decent relationship. Most of the guys I've been with or hooked up with have been horrible examples of men. Despite how much I love Napoleon, he is no better than Patrick. Sure, he runs circles around him. He's much better looking. He's has pride in his personal appearance and dwelling. Plus he has INCHES below his belt, something Patrick severely lacked (no I'm no a size queen, but damn Napoleon is mighty healthy in the genital department)!!! Napoleons has his issue too, but this post isn't about him today. I just need to vent on misguided love...OK, maybe I could throw Naps into the mix, but I rather not. My emotions are mixed when it comes to him lately.

Before I left for the cruise, Napoleon said the most damaging things to my esteem and I didn't think I'd be able to recover from. Without going into gory details, essentially he never really was all that into me, according to him, and from his actions, used the hell out of me. Oh sure, he DOES love me. I know that without a doubt, it's just his love is not about the romantic, passionate kind. Basically, we had sex because...well that would saying too much I don't NEED to reveal. Still it hurts. Suffice I probably won't be tasting the Bonaparte goods anytime soon.

Napoleon and Patrick share a common trait; they're both incredibly selfish men. Patrick has problems because he can't come to terms completely with being a homo. His ex-wife , according to him, has been a "bitch" and unrelenting. From how he treated me, I have no sympathy for him, and my whole understanding for her. Patrick wasn't/isn't a bad person, just incredibly selfish. Napoleon, the same notion. The weekend before I left for vacation, Napoleon and I went out clubbing where he ditched me for some guy, knowing I was drunk off my ass, so he could go get high and get his cock sucked (he claims he didn't, but I know better). I had to drive my drunk black ass home and it's a miracle of miracles I made it home. I've haven't been so intoxicated since my last 'Ritter' party.

I don't won't to bash either one of them, but I have unresolved issued with both Napoleon and Patrick. Napoleon is a huge part of my life, whether I like it or not. He still is my best friend, even if we're not f*ck-buddies. His immaturity, reckless behavior, and selfishness irritate me to no avail, but yes, I will always love him, (cue Whitney here....) I just can't be in a relationship with him.

So, we come full circle. From my "first" boyfriend to my last. Oh sure, Napoleon and I were never officially defined as "boyfriends," but we were and he can't deny that. What we shared emotionally went beyond friendship. I'm sorry if he wants to refute it, but shit, let's recognize the Pink Elephant for what it was, dammit.

As for Patrick, perhaps he needs to go visit with his estranged brother and work out his unresolved shit with his family before getting into another relationship and ruining someone else's life. I'm not saying I wasn't at fault with some of my behavior and actions, but I had an excuse to a certain extent. I was newly out of the closet and just getting a feel to be in a relationship. At least I can HONESTLY say I never cheated in the relationship. I've never cheated on any of my boyfriends. Napoleon is the first (and hopefully the last) situation where I was involved in some extra-relationship affair. Aw man! I rambled on....

Damocles & The Sword Hath Fallen

And I have suffered in ways I never knew I could,
and at this moment when my heart is breaking,
watching your fall about to take place,
where there's nothing I can do to stop it,
I cling to they drama and intensity,
wanting to hold you even more than I should

The day is coming,
coming real soon,
when adversity will be upon your door,
and ne'er more will things be the same,
perhaps on a day like today almost noon,
the word will be spoken,
and in a heartbeat,
lives will be transformed

With every ounce of foreboding and dread,
tonight I wish I were dead
I cannot fathom how this pain will push us further apart,
taking moments of fun from my hands,
the blade will be swift,
the stains will not be in blood or tears,
but in residue of metal,
found only in the darkest of places

And on a street where the cyclops roams,
he'll search to reclaim his bounty,
to mend his undoing,
all the while taking strife and wanting escape,
and I,
the lone Ozymandias,
will witness demise of so many hopes and dreams

O sojourn to escape
the pain that bounds me,
to keep the secret,
yet in absence of truth
will that wrought day be more painful?
Will he know how I hold him dear?
Will he forget pastures and keep to newly brighter paths,
or is destiny a faith unbreakable?

O God bid me strength,
bind my words,
guide my deeds,
loose not my tongue on folly,
and let Your blessing pray thee upon he who needs you most.

Napoleon will always have his Waterloo....

Darktomahawk
16 May 2007

With Everything to Gain....

...There's so much to lose.

Just a quick post before bed time. This evening got away from me and I only accomplished a third of all the things I set out to do. My mood is dejected tonight because I'm feeling lonely in this world of mine. It was a chaotic day, complicated by plans I want to engage in within the next few weeks.

For my birthday and Christmas presents, my parents paid for a cruise for me on Royal Caribbean for a nine day excursion to the Bahamas, Bermuda, St. Thomas, St. Marten, Puerto Rico and a few other islands. I had applied for my passport shortly around the beginning of the year and cashed in part of my retirement so I'd have spending money. Both ventures would take some time to process, I understood this. My passport has not come and when I checked the US Department of State website, they have no record of my application being processed.

Further still, I also checked on the status of my retirement account and that has not been completed yet as well. I went into panic mode and have been dreary ever since.

Today's lesson is one in patience. I called the people who hold my retirement funds, PSERS, the Public School Employees' Retirement System, and blasted the representative on the other line. Feeling frustrated, irritated,and despondent, I proceeded to read the riot act to this poor man who was only trying to help me. In the end, I apologized to him and expressed my sympathy for what he does. I should've know better. I work in a similar situation where people can call upon me daily for assistance with state programs to improve the quality of their lives. I understand how annoying it is to have someone on the other line who refuses to be pacified or allow you to seek resolution for their demands. I was embarrassed at the end of the day because several of my coworkers witnessed my meltdown. Normally, I'm an easy-going mind mannered fellow, but when I get riled up, watch out Nelly! I was more than livid about my struggle with this impending trip.

Part of the problem is my trip is scheduled over Memorial Day weekend and to say I've been excited about this sojourn is an understatement. Feeling like this house of cards is about to collapse threw me into a quandary beyond belief. I attempted contacting the US Department of State, but they have a voice recorded message that will not allow you to speak with a representative unless your trip is two weeks away. Mine is scheduled to sail in a little over five weeks. So what to do? My good sister-girl friend told me to relax and put my trust in God, saying, "If this trip is meant to be, it's meant to be. No one can undermine God." That's true, however, given human nature, I worry about things. My faith has been found wanting in the past and this situation is no exception.

My other dilemma is I spent a greater part of the day communicating with Linus through e-mail and instant messenger. OK. This was bad because when he had contacted me the other day, I had no intention of contacting him back. However, he has multiple ways of getting a hold of me and sent a distressed e-mail to my work e-mail. It moved me and I felt compelled to write him back. Without getting into all the sordid details, Linus is intending to end things with Napoleon in the near future. As explained, their relationship has fundamental problems at its core. Conversing with Linus, I felt guilt beyond belief, because knowing that I contributed in the detriment in their relationship by sleeping with Naps on more than several occasions, I found myself pleading Napoleon's case for Linus not to break up with him. What am I crazy????

Linus is seeing other guys, albeit discreetly. I've seen him at the local watering holes several times with some guy. I'm a sneaky bitch and know how to quickly duck for cover while spying. I disclosed to Linus I knew the real deal, but did so in a way that didn't confess my own adulterous liaisons with Napoleon. Overall, I encouraged Linus to sit down with Naps and figure what they want to do with their situation.

My guilt tonight is compounding by the minute. I've been keeping myself occupied so not to give thought to how I placated what they have going. It also gave me good cause to reevaluate what could potentially be if I got involved with Napoleon. I don't want to be someone's father, nor do I want to be taken advantage of, robbed, lied to, or cheated upon. Naps is a good person a heart, but he can be selfish, immature, and insensitive when he's in self-absorbed mode.

Again, what to do? I feel shitty. I mean I'm 37 years old. I feel I've been thrust back to junior high! Or at least, playing a sleazy role on an episode of of the Young & the Restless. God Rest Drusilla's soul, but she's not dead, dammit!!!

Over the weekend I need to sort out my own feelings. I'm headed down to the Philadelphia area to see my parents and might have to make a side trip to visit Naps in his new digs. He started his orientation today and I'm curious to see how he's settling in. Am I a bad person for wanting not be alone for the rest of my life? I've been in some disastrous situations myself and I totally fucked up my last good relationship with someone I should be married to. That wasn't too much my fault, given the fact I'm bisexual. Most women don't want a man who's interested in men too. It's too much competition. Shhhhhhhhhhhit. Where am I going?????

A Tribe of One: Interlude: I Am That I Am

"Some days you get the bear and other days the bear gets you." How true it is. Moodiness has crept into my soul and I'm feeling particularly dark tonight. Perhaps its because of the windy, dreary, damp evening, but tonight feels worse than any case of the "Sunday Blues" I've experienced. Many thoughts are forcing themselves upon me, issues I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with. Despite my best efforts, everything keeps barging to the forefront, wanting to take top priority. I'm not in the mood, dammit.

Where to begin? Nothing unusual occurred during the work day other than I was disheartened to hear about the tragedy at Virginia Tech this afternoon. Chugging through the afternoon, my coworker, Miss Pam, asked if I had heard about the shooting during our afternoon smoke break. Shooting? What shooting??? Suddenly, every tragic shooting that's occurred at a high school or college campus came flooding back to me, I thought to myself, "Shit. Here we go again." My heart goes out to the staff, faculty, students, and families affected by the tragedy. While I'm depressed as hell this evening, the VT shooting spree is another example to treat each day as precious because tomorrow is never a guarantee.


I think I'm besotted with my Napoleon again and the fear his move is going to remove him from my life permanently fills me with much trepidation. I'm angry with myself because I've been on an emotional high, thinking since I confessed my heart, he's a surefire guarantee to become my mate. Incorrect assumption my dear tomahawk! Every now and again, life, the Divine, will speak to you to bring back home to reality. Tonight, yours truly journeyed to K-mart to purchase some items I hadn't gotten during my weekly grocery trip on Saturday. I still had a gift card to use up from Christmas anyway. I got some things for myself and an odd thing or two as a going away gift for Naps. As I headed out to car after my acquisitions, Linus called me on my cellphone. Linus is calling me? LINUS? Why now? Why here? I don't believe in coincidence. This was some kind of omen or epiphany or revelation some how; don't deny that!

So what is the Divine trying to tell me? My heart refuses to answer the question. My intellect is turning the blind eye, but my usually rebellious spirit, is listening and is taking heed. I haven't called Linus back and have no intention to do so. He's a crazy mofo. Everything he does has hidden meaning and purpose and I've learned to be suspicious and extremely weary of him. Possibly, Naps went running to Linus after my confession yesterday? Unlikely, but Napoleon can be vindictive at times and would use my amorous disclosure as leverage against Linus. As I indicated last night, their relationship is tumultuous and volatile quite frequently. I've never seen anything that remotely resembles a loving relationship. More often than not they're either arguing or fucking. Their union lacks compassion and tenderness. Both have suspected the other of cheating. Make no mistake, I admit freely I'm in the wrong for all this because I did help Napoleon to cheat on Linus, but one can't control the dictates of one's heart, one's emotional state of being. At least I can't in this case.

Tomorrow I'm dropping off my departure bounty at the Bonaparte home like the dutiful would-be boyfriend. I'm not sure what to expect, I'll have to blog about it afterwards. Hopefully the visit will go smoothly and without incident, but to be honest, I doubt it. There's never a dull moment when Naps is involved in my life.


At best, I'm frustrated. During my life, I've always was careful not to step out of line and be the dutiful, loyal, obedient son, brother, friend, what have you. But as I confessed to Miss T recently, I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm taking a risk and going after what I want. Sure it isn't the best venture to enter into, but I could see building a future with this man and make it successful. He's not just "Mr Right Now." Napoleon wasn't just a quick hop in the sack, and then me out to sojourn for another meaningless lay. No. This man-child, for whatever reason, has given me security, hope, and deep passion I never anticipated I'd feel. Napoleon set me free (to a certain extent)!His keys have unshackled emotions locked away, ones too frightening to experience previously. I don't have time to worry about how someone else is going to think? I'm not intentionally driving a wedge between Linus and Napoleon's relationship, but I'm not supporting it either.

The other point grinding its axe tonight is a contact on my MySpace profile by one of my fraternity brothers. It took me aback. Whenever someone from my "heterosexual life" contacts me, I regress to that shamed person from many days gone by. There are those still who don't know of my sexual orientation. I'm not ashamed, not embarrassed, just as I said, just taken aback. This frat brother was someone I spent significant time with and if there was anyone who seemed to be accepting of me, it'd be Hometown. He was three or four pledge classes under me, I sincerely forget.


I don't do the frat thing anymore, rarely, if ever keeping contact with any of my frat brothers. Years later, I've realized I pledged the wrong fraternity and did so for completely all the wrong reasons. I was seeking external cohesiveness, but my fraternity experience failed to deliver. I was never really sold on the bonds of brotherhood thing and never able to make the connection with most of the Brotherhood. Fraternities, today, seem to be an exercise in power and to allow straight men to play on their own homo-curiosities. Genuinely, I believe I was aware I was the deer in the lions' den, the lone homo in the midst of overly horny, heterosexual men, in my fraternity. Well not the lone homo, there are at least four I know who played both sides of the fence, but they were so straight-acting, no one would ever dare contemplate them committing a homosexual act unless you were in the know. Me? A friend pointed out it's fairly obvious about my sexual tastes. Really?

A good friend of mine from a rival fraternity confessed several years after graduation he had slept with at least three of my frats. Interesting. One of those brothers, "Fozzie," was the dream of every woman on campus that knew him. DoJo and I laugh about it today when we hear he got married and had several kids. We know the the truth. He really is a LAMBDA boy.



I don't have lasting, longingly memories from my days as a frat boy. Sure there plenty of good times associated around my fraternity, but when I look back, they involve my social group outside of the Greek system. Sometimes I wonder, should I've pledged at all??? If Doctor Who gave me a lift in his TARDIS, I'm not sure if I would go back and remedy my present dilemma.There is value in learning from our past misdeeds, even if we have to suffer to some degree.

Hitting closer still, with my sexuality, is this is the year I've decided to completely come out to my family. I'm scared as hell to do this because I'm afraid of the ramification after I take that step. Only one who knows my mother and stepfather can understand my plight. Miss T and I were talking about it tonight and she's deeply troubled over how the matter will go down. My family is not one to be understanding or even to discuss what's blatantly before them. We have too may secrets. Too many. There are mysteries about my family I've never shared with anyone outside my family, and that's deep, because people who know me, know I'm very open about mostly everything. Everything that is except issues involving the inner Tomahawk and my dark familial past.

Sexuality be damn to anyone else! I'm out in my own world. My coworkers know, my friends know, my professional associates know, it's not something to hide. I don't go wearing the rainbow flag or anything, but I'm not one for backing down about who I am. "I am that I am." I chose that as the title for this post because all of these concerns tie together somehow. The Divine is speaking to me, I just haven't figured out the message yet.

"Show Me The Money (Because I'm in Love)!"

I'm taking a break from my post on The Tribe of One series. I originally intended that to be one complete post, but it was getting long. I will resume with it tomorrow. I've taken to writing things out before I actually blog them so that as I type, I can correct the text or make it sound like I really know what the hell I'm talking about.

"I love him, I do!" The title of this post comes from Jerry McGuire, I movie I loosely detest, but felt was appropriate.

OK, this will be brief and I will need to expound on this more tomorrow. I spent the day with Napoleon and I'm sadden because he's going to be moving to Philadelphia on Wednesday. I've known about this for sometime, but was in denial. He's moving for a life changing opportunity and may or may not be back within the foreseeable future. I'm going to miss him very much.

Today I broke down and told Naps how I feel about him, in front of his mother. "Mrs. Bonaparte" was very supportive and was very sweet. She had known anyway, so it wasn't much of a surprise. We talked for some length and as I headed home, proud of myself for emphasizing to Naps I wasn't trying to destroy his relationship with his boyfriend "Linus," but encouraging him to work hard on his goals and motivation. Naps is going through a rocky period with his relationship with Linus, dealing with some trust and fidelity issues. Now a better man would've moved in on the kill. I do have some DIRT on Linus, but I chose the high road and didn't use it against him to pursue my own desire, lest anyone accuse me of coveting Naps. Revealing what I know would not serve Naps and it isn't something he couldn't live without knowing.

I love Napoleon with all my heart. I realized this today how much I want to build a future with him. The story is complicated and I never seem to find proper time to blog about it. If I have time during work tomorrow, I will. For now, know that my heart is full...

Stuck In a Phase

I'm not sure what's going on inside emotionally, but my spirits seem low this evening. I'm not sure why, I've talked to several close friends and family members, discussed future epochs about to be taken, and enjoyed a laugh or two. Still, my energy levels have dropped and I find myself in a dark place where I feel isolated and alone. Perhaps thoughts of Napoleon are too close the surface causing all my turmoil? Hell, it could be the the beef deprivation I'm going through this Lenten season (I gave up frequenting and eating from fast food restaurants and all I can think about tonight is HAMBURGER).


This morning was difficult rising out of sedentary weekend. My weekend excitement culminated in cleaning the snow off my car on Saturday. Woo-Hoo! As much as I anticipated going out Saturday night, plans fell through and I sat at home pondering the thread count in my bedsheets instead. Exciting, huh? This morning I got up to serve at the local prison, translation: my job and begun the mundane routine that is the work week. I feel trapped in myself and in my vocation. I feel lost and a bit destitute with my insignificant romance situation. In any situation, I need to get rest. Perhaps with a few decent hours sleep, I awake refreshed, recharged, and rejuvenated. Or I could just enter round two of my morose attitude.

Sorry, this post isn't much fun tonight. To be honest, I would much rather be happier than what I am, but I'm clinging to old habits. My ruts and patterns are hard to challenge. I find myself drawn to things that are familiar and comfortable and too predictably negative. I'm afraid to take the leap of faith and enter the light. OK, Napoleon keeps entering my thoughts and I would be remiss if I honestly didn't mention I thought about him most of the weekend. The situation which used to be a "hot summer's afternoon of play and passion" is turning into a "icy frozen nightmare where I'm horribly frost bitten all over." Ah, shit. I feel the whole situation is a poison I created myself and I can't seem to walk away. Wanting to have something that's toxic for me; I always seem to latch on to it.

With Naps, I want to hold, love, share my world with him, but those feelings are too dangerous for a myriad of reasons. It just can't be. Life with Naps would throw my world out of balance and life would become drama intense days, probably ending up with me hating him or with me going half insane. Mr Napoleon seem to placate my issues. Does love ever make sense though? As Lady Miss T recently told, "You can help who you love!" No truer words have ever been spoken about my love life situation(s). Geez, I've picked some real winners in my time.

Eventually, I'm going to broaden the picture about what's so wrong. I know a few weeks ago I was singing beatitudes about Mr. Napoleon. See, that's the thing. One day he'll run hot with me, the next day he'll run cold and aggravate me to no end! There really isn't a happy medium. Am I rambling? I'll continue with the Napoleon saga tomorrow when I feel my thoughts are more coherent. For now I'm going to take a chance I can sleep peacefully and leave all my worries by the riverside...

Riding Napoleon's Wave

I was too tired to blog last night. I was riding the wave of my continued birthday celebration. I'm a simple man and it doesn't take much to make me happy. Yesterday, I was invited over to dinner over my friend's house by his mother. Now by "friend," I mean someone who is very special and dear to me. Oh Hell, let's be honest, I'm damn happy in love with the guy.

Unfortunately, let's call him "Mr. Napoleon," couldn't be there because of prior commitments, but he sent me well-wishes and positive thoughts. Still, it didn't stop me from going over and breaking bread with his family. His family has been nothing but nice and kind and I only recently realized his mother is fully aware of how I feel about Mr. Napoleon. She's been dropping hints left and right and up until last night, I wouldn't confirm or deny anything. I mean his mother called call me to wish me a happy birthday before my own mother did. Hmm, that should've been my first clue. Lately she's been telling me how grateful she is I'm in her son's life and how much she loves me. She's almost like a second mother.

The situation with Mr. Napoleon is a bit complicated though. I won't explain the extended details but he's not exactly on the market right now (I'll leave it at that). Yet, from the sense I got from him mum, I think she'd be supportive if we had a relationship. Hmm, something to think about, but for now its not very plausible for several reasons. Plus I've been out of the dating arena for several months. A relationship with Napoleon would definitely be like riding a wave! Way intense. We're good friends and have had some casual sex here and there, but a relationship is another matter. Am I ready for something like this?

I can deal with casual, meaningless sex (maybe not so meaningless with Naps). I mean I've gotten used to the idea most of the guys I've been interested in lately aren't worth a good shit. Some of my hook-ups have been mind shuddering (blame the alcohol) and at best, forgettable (I'm always safe. Hell, I'd better be. I volunteer for the local AIDS Alliance. Wouldn't that be a slap in the face if one of their volunteers contracted HIV? Naw, I like living too much).

Still dating again, especially with Napoleon, is appealing. I'm older now and I need to settle down. I'm simple as I've said, but I have a deep serious nature. His heart is very tender and he is one of the sweetest people I know. He makes me laugh (always a plus), he keeps me loose, and always keeps it real. There's not much pretentious about him. We've similar backgrounds and there just a connection I feel with him I've never felt with anyone else. He's the first black man to help me put away the nagging questions and guilt for being a "Same Gender Lovin" African American man. He's been beneficial in changing my perspective that I could be in a long-term committed relationship with a man and be happy.

Mr Napoleon wouldn't necessarily be the best choice for a mate though. There are just too many reasons why getting involved with him would be a colossal mistake, but damn, the sex is good. Yeah, I know, I'm old enough to know better. Sex doth not a relationship make. His has a darker side, which can be a bit uncontrolled. Napoleon's temper tantrums that could match any "terrible two" year old child. Also, at times, he's a bit selfish, materialistic, and naive about life in general. He could stand to "age up," realizing not everything is just going to fall into his lap. My, my, my Naps sure could stand to realize there is no such thing as 'self-entitlement.'

Keeping it real further still, Naps is half-ass involved with someone else. Apply the breaks! Yup, dating someone else (yeah I know and I'm acting the whore by screwing around with on the side). I'm an asshole I suppose, but my heart and emotions are telling me one thing, and my intellect is telling me another. I guess my illusions to a possible commitment with Mr. Napoleon stem from the void in my life I can't seem to fill.

More on this situation as it develops...