Sunday, April 27, 2008

Through Different Eyes

Visual is everything, especially in the gay/SGL community, huh? Oh boy, here I go...

Throwing caution to the wind this evening, I decided to reveal myself to a friend who's been reading and keeping up with the Axe for some time now. Mind you, I'm not stressing out about it, but I'm curious about what this person thinks. I've never claimed to be anything more than who I am and who you read about in this blog. Curiosity, however, compels me to wonder what he thought. Hmm? Probably because residual insecurities from childhood are troubling me.

Didja ever wonder how someone else viewed you? What's it like through their eyes? Questions like this cross my mind everyday when I correspond with folks from the 'Net. That's one thing I don't like about the Internet, the lack of face to face contact right away. Online, you can be anybody. I'm very WYSIWYG. The person who you read about and the things I mention are real. I've never claimed to be anything more.

It surprised me a few months ago reading a review of Weilding the Axe and the reviewer lead people to believe I was the drop dead gorgeous stud {who used to be} on the Header. Aw, hell no. I ain't him! While I'm not fug-mo', I don't come close to being supa dupa phine like that. Nope. Not today, not tomorrow, and next week is still questionable, LOL! I know some you will be disappointed, but get over it. We all can't be hunks. I'm in no way ashamed of how I look, but I do get miffed when people contact me, having built this delusional fantasy, that I'm some Mulatto stud who'll whisk off and be their date for the night. I'm just ordinary me. That's all.

Please be assured, none of this is directed to my friend I talked with tonight. He'll be reading this tomorrow, so let me make this clear. He doesn't care what I look like, just wanted a visual of who he was communicating with, because we've become fast friends over the last several months.

However, something in the conversation "clicked" requiring me to address this personal issue. No. This post is for people who've contacted me with negative bullshit remarks; people who've done tireless searches online, painstakingly finding my pictures associated through other websites, and cried foul because I wasn't what they imagined. OK, how fuckin' immature are you?!?!

First off, I never told you to build a fantasy image, did I? Second, stop being so God-damned shallow. Not every man in this world is gonna be cover model perfect, like Vibe, Jet, Ebony, GQ, Details, Flava Men, ESPN Magazine, whatever. For you "thug-chasers," keep on lookin! While I can pull off an attitude, I do come off probably more "whitebred" (which is not to be confused with white actin' or wanna-be white). Third, drop the stereotypes anyway! All men of color are not cut from the same frickin' cloth! Fourth and finally, don't y'all Adonis Perfect snobs have a local gay bar in your neighborhood? Go there if perfection is what yous seek!

Besides, I don't blog to hook up. I blog to share my personal experiences, as a healing process for the hurt and pain I've had in negative periods in my life. I post funny shit and sexy photos of men too. If I make a friend or two along the way or can inspire someone to rise about their own strife, well all the merrier. But I never ever indicated I was mega-hunk. Have I?

As mentioned, I'm not ashamed of my appearance. My reasons for not showing my face are simple: A) This blog gets personal and is embarrassing occasionally. B) My job is sorta middle profile and I don't need my employer all up in my grill about my business. C) I have relatives I've chosen not to out myself to yet. Their disapproval of me broadcasting familial or personal facts about myself would go beyond annoying. I keep things semi-anonymous to protect their privacy as well.

For me? I don't care. I'm not trying to hide in the closet necessarily. I'm perhaps the most open person you'd ever run into. Ask and I'll answer is my motto. You might get more than you bargain for, however. LOL.

I've never had any problem meeting guys or getting sex. So I know I am worth all that AND MORE. So if I don't fit your ideal man of color prerequisite, it's probably best if you step anyway. Quit reading the blog here and now. I don't suffer ignorance long. I maybe common, but I am a beautiful multi-ethnic, multiracial black man!

There you have it...

So. Now that my little rant is done. I will confess this much, I wonder what my friend thought? I'll dub him "Nightcrawler" to respect his privacy. He knows who he is. (Ask me later, Nightcrawler, and I'll explain your moniker to ya) I imagine Nightcrawler was a little surprised by my image. He loved my smile and my goatee. Alright, so now I'm threadbare in his presence. Ah, the vulnerability...I'm loving this! I usually like to be in control in these type of situations, when introducing myself, but it's good to let someone wrest control away every now and again.



Leoben said...

Ian, you're a goon! You're handsome bro. Call me.

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While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.

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