Friday, March 9, 2007

Riding Napoleon's Wave

I was too tired to blog last night. I was riding the wave of my continued birthday celebration. I'm a simple man and it doesn't take much to make me happy. Yesterday, I was invited over to dinner over my friend's house by his mother. Now by "friend," I mean someone who is very special and dear to me. Oh Hell, let's be honest, I'm damn happy in love with the guy.

Unfortunately, let's call him "Mr. Napoleon," couldn't be there because of prior commitments, but he sent me well-wishes and positive thoughts. Still, it didn't stop me from going over and breaking bread with his family. His family has been nothing but nice and kind and I only recently realized his mother is fully aware of how I feel about Mr. Napoleon. She's been dropping hints left and right and up until last night, I wouldn't confirm or deny anything. I mean his mother called call me to wish me a happy birthday before my own mother did. Hmm, that should've been my first clue. Lately she's been telling me how grateful she is I'm in her son's life and how much she loves me. She's almost like a second mother.

The situation with Mr. Napoleon is a bit complicated though. I won't explain the extended details but he's not exactly on the market right now (I'll leave it at that). Yet, from the sense I got from him mum, I think she'd be supportive if we had a relationship. Hmm, something to think about, but for now its not very plausible for several reasons. Plus I've been out of the dating arena for several months. A relationship with Napoleon would definitely be like riding a wave! Way intense. We're good friends and have had some casual sex here and there, but a relationship is another matter. Am I ready for something like this?

I can deal with casual, meaningless sex (maybe not so meaningless with Naps). I mean I've gotten used to the idea most of the guys I've been interested in lately aren't worth a good shit. Some of my hook-ups have been mind shuddering (blame the alcohol) and at best, forgettable (I'm always safe. Hell, I'd better be. I volunteer for the local AIDS Alliance. Wouldn't that be a slap in the face if one of their volunteers contracted HIV? Naw, I like living too much).

Still dating again, especially with Napoleon, is appealing. I'm older now and I need to settle down. I'm simple as I've said, but I have a deep serious nature. His heart is very tender and he is one of the sweetest people I know. He makes me laugh (always a plus), he keeps me loose, and always keeps it real. There's not much pretentious about him. We've similar backgrounds and there just a connection I feel with him I've never felt with anyone else. He's the first black man to help me put away the nagging questions and guilt for being a "Same Gender Lovin" African American man. He's been beneficial in changing my perspective that I could be in a long-term committed relationship with a man and be happy.

Mr Napoleon wouldn't necessarily be the best choice for a mate though. There are just too many reasons why getting involved with him would be a colossal mistake, but damn, the sex is good. Yeah, I know, I'm old enough to know better. Sex doth not a relationship make. His has a darker side, which can be a bit uncontrolled. Napoleon's temper tantrums that could match any "terrible two" year old child. Also, at times, he's a bit selfish, materialistic, and naive about life in general. He could stand to "age up," realizing not everything is just going to fall into his lap. My, my, my Naps sure could stand to realize there is no such thing as 'self-entitlement.'

Keeping it real further still, Naps is half-ass involved with someone else. Apply the breaks! Yup, dating someone else (yeah I know and I'm acting the whore by screwing around with on the side). I'm an asshole I suppose, but my heart and emotions are telling me one thing, and my intellect is telling me another. I guess my illusions to a possible commitment with Mr. Napoleon stem from the void in my life I can't seem to fill.

More on this situation as it develops...

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