Monday, March 19, 2007

Stuck In a Phase

I'm not sure what's going on inside emotionally, but my spirits seem low this evening. I'm not sure why, I've talked to several close friends and family members, discussed future epochs about to be taken, and enjoyed a laugh or two. Still, my energy levels have dropped and I find myself in a dark place where I feel isolated and alone. Perhaps thoughts of Napoleon are too close the surface causing all my turmoil? Hell, it could be the the beef deprivation I'm going through this Lenten season (I gave up frequenting and eating from fast food restaurants and all I can think about tonight is HAMBURGER).

This morning was difficult rising out of sedentary weekend. My weekend excitement culminated in cleaning the snow off my car on Saturday. Woo-Hoo! As much as I anticipated going out Saturday night, plans fell through and I sat at home pondering the thread count in my bedsheets instead. Exciting, huh? This morning I got up to serve at the local prison, translation: my job and begun the mundane routine that is the work week. I feel trapped in myself and in my vocation. I feel lost and a bit destitute with my insignificant romance situation. In any situation, I need to get rest. Perhaps with a few decent hours sleep, I awake refreshed, recharged, and rejuvenated. Or I could just enter round two of my morose attitude.

Sorry, this post isn't much fun tonight. To be honest, I would much rather be happier than what I am, but I'm clinging to old habits. My ruts and patterns are hard to challenge. I find myself drawn to things that are familiar and comfortable and too predictably negative. I'm afraid to take the leap of faith and enter the light. OK, Napoleon keeps entering my thoughts and I would be remiss if I honestly didn't mention I thought about him most of the weekend. The situation which used to be a "hot summer's afternoon of play and passion" is turning into a "icy frozen nightmare where I'm horribly frost bitten all over." Ah, shit. I feel the whole situation is a poison I created myself and I can't seem to walk away. Wanting to have something that's toxic for me; I always seem to latch on to it.

With Naps, I want to hold, love, share my world with him, but those feelings are too dangerous for a myriad of reasons. It just can't be. Life with Naps would throw my world out of balance and life would become drama intense days, probably ending up with me hating him or with me going half insane. Mr Napoleon seem to placate my issues. Does love ever make sense though? As Lady Miss T recently told, "You can help who you love!" No truer words have ever been spoken about my love life situation(s). Geez, I've picked some real winners in my time.

Eventually, I'm going to broaden the picture about what's so wrong. I know a few weeks ago I was singing beatitudes about Mr. Napoleon. See, that's the thing. One day he'll run hot with me, the next day he'll run cold and aggravate me to no end! There really isn't a happy medium. Am I rambling? I'll continue with the Napoleon saga tomorrow when I feel my thoughts are more coherent. For now I'm going to take a chance I can sleep peacefully and leave all my worries by the riverside...

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President Barack Obama!