Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When The Mind becomes Cluttered...

It's then always a good time for a good house cleaning.

My thoughts proceed me and I hope I collect them to form a legible post. Today is significant for two reasons. It's the anniversary of my high school graduation and also the anniversary of my break-up with my first real boyfriend since I came out. Both have had an impact in my life and neither situation lived up to their full potential. Let's start with my high school graduation.

It's hard to believe I've been out of high school for 19 years now. The time has flown by and leaves me with with regrets and unfulfilled promise. Somehow I don't think my life was supposed to turn out to be this way. I'm not impressed with life as I know it. When I graduated and went on to collect, I wanted to make a career where I had influence on the world; helping to improve lives. I majored in psychology, with minors in history and philosophy, and dabbled in a political science. My vocational aspirations changed several times during college and I graduated feeling even more confused than when I entered.

Today I work in Human Services, which has it's rewards, but in my current profession, there are too many days where I feel drained and unattached. My job has become routine and mundane. While I want to go back to school and work on completing my Master's Degree, financially, it's not an option. I wrestle with what I want to be when I "grow up." I better hurry, at 37, time has given me ample opportunity to discover the professional me. Recently I contemplated going into the Drug & Alcohol/Chemical Dependency field, but would require going back to school to touch up on my skills. Again, money is the almighty issue.

What is my true passion? I wish I knew. I feel embarrassed when i tell people what I do for a living. I'm not about making tons of money, but I feel like my job is menial and isn't important enough. At least it doesn't feel important to me. For what I do, I don't often earn enough money to support myself. Mind you, I'm not on the verge of being destitute, but I have poor health insurance and a crappy time off schedule (APL: All Purpose Leave, the bane of every professional employee's existent. Eek)! I deliberated doing something I enjoy like art or cooking, but I'm not sure how to get my foot in the door. I'd love to own my own restaurant. Sometimes, I think that's my true calling.

Cooking gives me pleasure and I received more than enough compliments on my dishes I've created over the years. I learned how to cook at the feet of my paternal grandmother and also my father. I guess something in those Southern genes rubbed off on me. Plus I think it helps that I like to EAT. Anybody who loves food as much as I do has to have some passion about cooking.

I'm not looking forward to going back to my 20 year Class Reunion next year. Suffice to say, I have much catching up to do and repair before I even begin to prepare returning to the hallowed halls of my Alma Mater.

Then we have Patrick. Ah, yes Patrick. Asshole Patrick. Patrick who had the audacity to cheat on me and want to continue in a relationship. Patrick who was a self-loathing jerk that compared me to a "warm-spring day." Patrick, that weirdo with the foot fetish who could only achieve orgasm by masturbating with my feet in his face or on his private area! Patrick who was really, really, REALLY lousy in bed, was a sloppy kisser, and was a HOG when it came to his home. His apartment was NEVER clean. Patrick who borrowed my Prince 1999, Josh Groban, and Barry White CDs and never returned. Patrick who ditched me at Gay Pride to chase some dirty old disgusting queen...ugh! Yes, I have resentment. Yes, I have regret. Regret I ever was stupid enough to enter into a relationship with him. Still, I have to remind myself what my friend Mark tells me.

"Regret is like peeing on yourself. Both serve no real purpose and are really messy!

It's been a few months since I've been in any semblance of a relationship. After the fiasco with Napoleon blew up in my face a couple of weeks ago, I'm seriously put off by the situation with men. I'm starting to believe I will never be in a decent relationship. Most of the guys I've been with or hooked up with have been horrible examples of men. Despite how much I love Napoleon, he is no better than Patrick. Sure, he runs circles around him. He's much better looking. He's has pride in his personal appearance and dwelling. Plus he has INCHES below his belt, something Patrick severely lacked (no I'm no a size queen, but damn Napoleon is mighty healthy in the genital department)!!! Napoleons has his issue too, but this post isn't about him today. I just need to vent on misguided love...OK, maybe I could throw Naps into the mix, but I rather not. My emotions are mixed when it comes to him lately.

Before I left for the cruise, Napoleon said the most damaging things to my esteem and I didn't think I'd be able to recover from. Without going into gory details, essentially he never really was all that into me, according to him, and from his actions, used the hell out of me. Oh sure, he DOES love me. I know that without a doubt, it's just his love is not about the romantic, passionate kind. Basically, we had sex because...well that would saying too much I don't NEED to reveal. Still it hurts. Suffice I probably won't be tasting the Bonaparte goods anytime soon.

Napoleon and Patrick share a common trait; they're both incredibly selfish men. Patrick has problems because he can't come to terms completely with being a homo. His ex-wife , according to him, has been a "bitch" and unrelenting. From how he treated me, I have no sympathy for him, and my whole understanding for her. Patrick wasn't/isn't a bad person, just incredibly selfish. Napoleon, the same notion. The weekend before I left for vacation, Napoleon and I went out clubbing where he ditched me for some guy, knowing I was drunk off my ass, so he could go get high and get his cock sucked (he claims he didn't, but I know better). I had to drive my drunk black ass home and it's a miracle of miracles I made it home. I've haven't been so intoxicated since my last 'Ritter' party.

I don't won't to bash either one of them, but I have unresolved issued with both Napoleon and Patrick. Napoleon is a huge part of my life, whether I like it or not. He still is my best friend, even if we're not f*ck-buddies. His immaturity, reckless behavior, and selfishness irritate me to no avail, but yes, I will always love him, (cue Whitney here....) I just can't be in a relationship with him.

So, we come full circle. From my "first" boyfriend to my last. Oh sure, Napoleon and I were never officially defined as "boyfriends," but we were and he can't deny that. What we shared emotionally went beyond friendship. I'm sorry if he wants to refute it, but shit, let's recognize the Pink Elephant for what it was, dammit.

As for Patrick, perhaps he needs to go visit with his estranged brother and work out his unresolved shit with his family before getting into another relationship and ruining someone else's life. I'm not saying I wasn't at fault with some of my behavior and actions, but I had an excuse to a certain extent. I was newly out of the closet and just getting a feel to be in a relationship. At least I can HONESTLY say I never cheated in the relationship. I've never cheated on any of my boyfriends. Napoleon is the first (and hopefully the last) situation where I was involved in some extra-relationship affair. Aw man! I rambled on....

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President Barack Obama!