Pride In The Neighbor

There are little moments where I have to stop and smile. Truly.

This morning on my way to work I caught a sight that you don't see too often in my neck of the woods. Two black men, in their 30's, holding hands, all boo'd up happily, without a care in the world, walking down the street.

Yes, it was a beautiful sight to see. And just when I had given up on open expression of romance here, at least for black men. I see more often with men of other races, but rarely with gay black men in Harrisburg.

This isn't the big city. This is central PA. Attitudes are strange around here. Not necessarily backwards, just conservative. I wouldn't be surprised seeing this in Philly, DC, New York, Atlanta, LA, wherever... Openly displaying same sex affection like that in my conservative, judgmental, one-horse town community? Wow.

All right y'all. I tip my hat. Yeah, I'm gonna hold on to that small moment all day.

Thank you gentlemen,
-Ian

Doctor Who Mid-Season Finale

No spoilers, but yes I've already seen it. I know the answers. I liked it, didn't love it, but most definitely enjoyed it. And if you deconstruct the episode, this season makes sense. That's all I'm saying for now....

Yes! I'm Wearing Area 51

On my last trip to Angel City, as it always seems, I also managed to be in Vegas. On the way back from our sojourn, Mom and Pops Royal called Pharaoh and requested a favor requiring us to make a stop in Baker, California.

Ah, Baker. Now what words come to mind besides small? Um...Tourist Trap. Desolate? Um, God-forsaken maybe??? The scariest part of the drive from LA to Vegas is that stretch of nothingness in the dessert. No lights. Just Road. And perhaps the aliens being held at Area 51 (rumored to be in the vicinity).

So back while Pharaoh is his handling business, I had a chance to peruse one of the gift shoppe and spotted a T-shirt advertising that Area 51 is the Secret Suburb Of Las Vegas. It's for the Vacation you'll never forget (scratch that) REMEMBER! Chuckling, I picked one up for myself, checked out, and we were back on the road to LA. Now fast forward when I hit home a few days later. Stupid Ian realizes he purchased a size too small. Grrr. Oh well.

Happily, I'm glad to report I slipped on that T-shirt this week and the bad boy was loooooose. To quote Shangela, "Halleloo!" I must be doing something right with this weight loss thang. I still have a long way to go, but I'll take a victory where I can.

And....What?!?!

Been a few thoughts ratting around in the grey matter that I haven't commented upon. Here's a rewind of some moments catching my attention this past week.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season Three Finale: First off, congrats to Raja...don't want it to seem like I'm sore loser cause I was a supporter of Team Alexis and Team Manila. That said, why the FRAK did I waste my time this season???? I knew from the FIRST episode Raja was probably going to win! Even though she worked my nerves at times, I grew to love Manila. By the Final three, I knew poor Alexis would be first to go, so I threw hope behind Manila. Alas...

The Weather/Tornadoes: OK? What in Samhain is going on? I'm not one to hit the panic button, but the last few weeks of Tornado activity has been just down right scary. Tornadoes hitting St. Louis' Airport, Tornadoes flattening entire towns in Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia... What the Hell?!?! Even PA wanted to horn in on the horrible weather. Two confirmed twisted rolled through my area on Thursday. Trees were down, flooding galore from the torrential rain, the Susquehanna way past looking menacing....Ugh! Getting to work, which normally is a 20 minute commute, took over an hour. Suffice to say our area wasn't as bad as the South, my point is why is Mother Nature tearing like a woman scorned? She's pissed!

Obama and his birth certificate: You know? Really? Why was this necessary? Honestly, Trump and the rest of the Birthers needed to go over this issue long ago. How commendable that on 44's part to put up with it this long. Mind you, I was one of those who really felt our president showing his birth certificate was so unnecessary. Officials and Reps from Hawaii time and time again gave the proof required to show his birth as US citizen. Yet, Trump and cronies just weren't satisfied. Lord! Donald just go get a haircut and leave us alone already!!! Why hasn't anyone mentioned HIPPA in all this? But I guess the highest citizen in the land isn't entitled to privacy. In any case, 44 showed 'em the long form.

The Royal Wedding: Is it done yet? I know I was one of the ones way back when to watch Charles and Diana, but I have no, none what-so-ever, interest in William and Kate. That's saying something cause usually anything British, and I'm so there. Dunno. Maybe cause Wills and Harry did a flip flop in the cuteness factor? Harry has gotten more over the years....Yeah he looked good standing next to his brother in West Minster. OK, I peeked at the highlights! I didn't watch it Friday morning though.

Superman's Citizenship: Are people really reacting over a comic book character renouncing U.S. citizenship? Really? C'mon people, it's a work of fiction! Get with the program. Let's worry about the frakkin' economy instead a make believe character written for children.

Doctor Who Series 6: After seeing part two of the season opener, I'm completely disillusioned with Who. What complete garbage! Both episodes seemed rushed and loosely tied. I do realize the point to Who has never to wrap things up in a tidy package, but these episode had too many plot whole. And can anyone explain the Silence to me? Um, the Doctor's been visiting Earth for hundreds of years and this is his first encounter? Oh yeah, you forget them when they're outta sight. I get it, outta sight, outta mind. Uh no...

This was perhaps one of the worst Doctor Who episodes to date. I don't know if I was more frustrated with BBC America's commercial interruptions or trying to understand a hastily written story. I've been watching the show since the 70s. I've long said the problem with the new incarnation of Who is it needs to go back to its root. Go back the Tom Baker era telling of story arc. Any one Remember the Invasion of Time? Now that was a story arc for the ages.... Ugh! Moffett, please turn this show around. It needs H-E-L-P. If need be, bring back some the older characters, while keeping the zest and underlying promise. Matt Smith are times shows incredible spark.

Despite my critiques, I'm still intrigued by the Doctor and River's relationship. The show is giving us the truth piece meal, but I think I've worked through the red herrings and alleged theorist on who exact River is. I might be important to not the child from the Season opener. Who was she? Why did Amy react they ways she did in child's room at the Ophanage? What was the real reason Amy told the Doctor she was pregnant and not Rory? Might point out the plot gap...HOW THE HELL DID SHE DISCOVER SHE WAS PREGNANT???

Skipping my rant, I do have speculations who the child trapped in the Apollo 11 suit was. Deconstruct the episode, piece all you know so far about River, and it all makes sense. Had to go back and re-watch River's introduction to the Doctor while he was in his David Tenant incarnation.... Oh I won't spoil it, but I would be très surprised if my theory was wrong...

The Truth Is Known. Satisfied?

For those of you who watched the Battlestar Galactica Series and its Finale last night, what did you think? It ended the only way it could I suppose. I was partially disappointed because I'm left with a few nagging questions. The premise of this season was "You Will Know The Truth," however, we didn't get the complete truth. Oh sure, there were answers aplenty, but the 10% unanswered questions stick to my craw like hot tar on the bottom of my trainers on a hot summer afternoon.

Best answer given? The explanation of the Opera House vision through the series. Worst answer or biggest letdown? Starbuck. The first half was slow moving for me, but relevent to the storyline. The second half was jammed pack with action and I especially was appreciative to see the only black Cylon, Simon (played by actor Rick Worthy), during the Finale. Others had predicted the final scenes, so I had an inkling how the show would close. Head Six and Head Baltar still intrigue me. I'll put the explanation of their roles as questionary. Half-satisfied, half-disappointed, I almost positive we'll be seeing these two again with the two prequel movies slated later this year, Caprica and Battlestar Galactica: The Plan.

Overall, the Battlestar Galactica series had a statement to make about many things,: race, religion, politics, sexuality, illness, cruelty... you name it. Edward James Olmos stated it best when he said future generations will look back at this series and hail it as a hallmark of the time, like Blade Runner did back in the 80s. Truth be told, I've never re-watched Blade Runner as an adult, but I hear you gain so much insight from an older perspective than when you were "you" back in the day.

So through the highs and lows of Galactica, we've been carried through a journey of epic proportions. Some characters we loved, some we despised, and others we truly didn't understand until the credits rolled for the final time. I'll miss the show, but something else will come along soon. Always does.

But the important lesson I'm taking from Galactica is, no matter what our differences in beliefs, we all human, struggling to survive through the wilderness, looking for home. Now you can take the words "wilderness" and "home" however you wish. Wilderness could imply sexuality struggles, substance abuse, or general strife of everyday living. Home could me finding a mate/partner, establishing job security, or religious enlightenment. Whatever the application, our journey is universal and the experiences we live today will set the foundation for tomorrow. Make the most of what you got today, recognize mistakes, improve on the qualities that are good, and strive to unite, while being unique. Simple. That's the message Ron D. Moore and David Eick said unto me. So say we all.

So Say We All!
-Ian

Oops! My Bad AfterElton!

For those Axe readers with excellent memory, you might recall a post waaaaaay earlier this year regarding a complaint about AterElton's Top 100 men? If you forget, check out their post there and my post here.

Chief concern was AfterElton compiled a group awfully disproportionate relative to including Men Of Color. Disturbed, my intention was to post a well-rounded, more balanced, inventory o' sexiness more reflective of all racial communities...Black, White, Asian, Latino...what-have-you.

Well, after months of tinkering with the damn thing, I finally gathered my own Top 100. Ian's personal catalog delves into handsome and attractive men from all media, not just Hollywood. Assembled, my list was inclusive of sexy men from the News media, sports, acting, and music arenas. Unfortunately, my results became just as skewed as on AfterElton's list. My compilation leans more towards men of African (Black) descent. As the series of names coagulated, people went off the register simply because I couldn't rationalize a more attractive Hayden, Ashton, Brenden, Antonio, Ewan, or Jake; couldn't conceptualize a less divinely handsome Blair, Rockmond, Marcus, Kobe, Hill, Idris, or Wallace. So the list seemed to fall in place, racially slanted, that way.

Is this an instance of partiality? Oh Hell yeah! I'll admit it. But does that make me racist? Um, no. Given my multiple ethnic heritage, definitely not. So how do you explain it? I guess it all boils down to who you're more familiar. Perhaps it's a matter of racial pride? Dunno. Looking back now, I suppose I must retract my criticism. Did the people over at After Elton intend to be non-inclusive? Doubt it. Can't say they did because I know it wasn't my intent. Hm? What does this say about the AfterElton list-compiler? What does it say about me?

As I manufactured my own hottest list, the most desirable men were/are predominantly ethnic, "Black identifying" (not necessarily "dark-skinned" fellas, but men who were proud to align themselves with the Black community...like Boris, Jason, Derek et al), Black/African American, and Men of the African Diaspora (brothers from Canada, France, the UK, and even the Motherland) in my humble opinion. This doesn't dispute the gorgeousness of my White, Native American, or Asian brethren. Nor does it exclude brothers of Spanish-speaking descent. Lawd knows I love a Dominican, Puerto Rican, and/or a Cuban man!

Is it wrong to be attracted solely to people who look, act, think, and share common background with you? Do we all have a natural predilection to people of our own racial heritage? Is it racist? I ask you. Is it wrong for me to want others to recognize the beauty that comes in all shades and hues of Black men, but not include the sexiness of other ethnic groups on my own roster of men? A man is a man, skin is skin, a hard dick is a hard dick, after all!

Seriously, I don't think it matters who you find most attractive, just as long as you can acknowledge have that attractiveness as well. . It's probably is a matter of who've been exposed to your entire life. If you're a person of color, and have never associated with persons outside your community, naturally you'll be attracted to those who look like you. This is synonymous across all social groups. With this conclusion, this leaves me with no choice but to withdrawal my original complaint to the folks over AfterElton, since I committed the same error.

Sigh! OK, that took forever to get out. Took over what I intended to post, which was my list of Honorable Mention Men, guys who just didn't quite make it on Ian's Top 100. This is coming in the next post. Promise! They're already typed; ready to be posted. Only reason they're not post now is because my little rant/apology took longer to explain than anticipated.

Stay tuned brothers...

Arturo

The flirtatiousness continues!

This morning I had to go to Giant for cat food and other miscellaneous goods. I stopped in the dairy case to pick up Yoplait yogurt (the breakfast of champions dammit!) which was on sale 2/$1.00. Of course er'rybody picked over all the ones I wanted and left the nasty as shit flavas like passion fruit, strawberry & banana, kiwi, kumquat...Ewww!

I was a little more than frustrated. With no thought, I cursed out loud in Spanish. (I curse in Spanish and French all the time. Remind me to tell you about the time Racer X and I were in Montreal and I said some very naughty swears in front two French speaking Nuns...D'oh!)

Just as I was gonna storm out the aisle in a huff, there he was! Arturo! An amazing Latino demigod with beautiful hazel eyes. I dunno why I hadn't noticed him previously. I guess cause I was on a mission. When I shop I'm there to get it done; tend to be obvious to my surroundings. I hate grocery shopping with a passion! I wanna get in and out ASAP!

The only reason I noticed Arturo now, was we crashed into each other as I swung around to leave. Did he materialize outta thin air? I seriously hadn't seen Arturo in the vicinity. In my haste, I turned so fast I literally bumped into this sexy man. Full impact. HARD! Unfortunately too, our collision almost had him singing soprano. My hand with the cane banged into his nether regions. This was no light brush against his crotch either. Luckily, he had thick denim work pants on and wearing steel plated boxer, cause he never complained. But he had to feel that force!

Embarrassed doesn't begin to explain my feeling. I glanced at his name tag, manged to eek out an apology, and started to leave. Not prepared to meet up with anyone sexy, I'd left the house looking as low rent as possible. Dressed in a heavy fleece pullover and grungy, baggy cropped sweatpant shorts, I looked like shit! Here I was staring into the most beautiful hazel eyes evah! OH and his face! I hate sounding like a hormonal adolescent, but I envisioned perfection this morning....

Arturo shook off my apology, then asked me in Spanish if I needed anything in particular. He musta assumed I was Latino (it does happen every now and then) when he heard me cuss. My first thought to his question? "Uh ...you," but I had the wherewithal to legitimately answer him. I understood his Spanish, could've answered him back, but I was distracted as hell by his God-like appearance. I answered back in English.

"Yogurt. On sale. None here I want." I stammered. Bruh was hot enough to melt butter just by looking at it. Coherent sentences were NOT an option at that point! He smiled, nodded, and headed to the back of the dairy case. Arturo had pulled out a case of the flavors I wanted. He then politely asked if there was anything else I wanted.

My first thought again? "Uh ...you,!" I thanked him in Spanish, then got the Hell outta there! I was so embarrassed and humiliated, more than I've been in a loooooong time. The positive highlight? I happened to look over my shoulder as I was leaving and Arturo was staring me down. Even waved goodbye. It was charming, even suggestive. Not like, oh you asshole, but like if only this were the right time and place. If I wasn't such a clumsy lummox, I would've gone back, been a bit more friendly, and gotten his number, but shame and my appearance won out. Shit like this never happens to me, so that's why I'm blogging about it!

Another plus side? I shop at this Giant FREQUENTLY, at least 2-3 times a week. Guess I'll remember to dress to impress next time. Uh-huh.

Mother, I'm A Homo-Flirt!

OK. So R. Kelly wrote the song "I'm A Flirt" him and women, but I personally like to think the song is my mantra when I'm dining out and a hot guy comes my way!

Whenever I'm out at a restaurant or any other place where someone has to wait upon my ass, shower me with oodles of kindness and affection. I absorb it. I love it!

Yesterday, Mother's Day, my family took dear ole mum out to dinner, like thousands of other Americans. Even though we had reservations, we had to wait because the restaurant was so full. Mind you, my family is not a patient group. The complaining was outrageous! Once we were seated though, things got better. Just. Then our waiter came over and made the whole experience worth the waiting, bitching, griping, and complaining. Our waiter, Gabe!

OMG! No description I could give would give this hot Latino Papi justice! He had just about all those stunning qualities I like in a man. Nice smile, gentle masculine voice, beautiful eyes, decent Afrocentric-Latinesque hairstyle, neatly groomed facial (both mustache &goatee), and an ass you could bounce a roll of quarters on. DAAAAYUM! He was too phiiine!

I had difficulty restraining myself the whole even. Each time he came to my side of the table, I was an adolescent all over again, goofy, awkward, and all googly eyed. If my family didn't pick up on the homo-vibe then, they never will. He was kind and nice. My friends know I thoroughly enjoy decent service when I dine out. (Perhaps I get off on the whole subservience thing? But, hey! Wait on me properly, I tip very handsomely!)

At the end of the meal, I was sad to go. Since I'm still not out to the family, I dare not ask for any personal information. At least I was able to capture a photo of him on my cellphone. Unfortunately, my dad's in the picture too, or else I'd post the picture here.

I can't say I was too subtle during dinner. It might initiate future conversations. Perhaps. I seriously don't feel like opening the conversation. I know. It's bull and cowardice, but you don't know my family. Once the conversation occurs, I need to be steadfast and able to deal with the backlash. Shit will come down the Pike. Right now, I'm relying on my family heavily because I can't entirely support myself being on disability. My friends are all in financial woes too, so asking them for help only can go so far.

Don't worry. The topic will be broached soon enough. After dinner, everyone came back to my house and we had dessert and coffee. I purposely did not put away any questionable materials like my copies of the Advocate or Clik Magazine. Nor did I hide my books by E. Lynn, Rodney, Jerome, Bob Smith, David Sedaris, Thomas Michael Ford, or any other gay authors. They only needed to go upstairs in the bedroom, what would've raised an eyebrow, with my (tasteful) nude male art on the walls.

Ah, someday. I did have one moment of remorse and guilt though when the after dinner topics started on children. My ex-wife and I never had children and at this point, I think that opportunity has knocked on someone else's door. There's still a chance I s'pose. I'm only 38. Course all my friends with kids say I'm crazy. Hester and Raymundo (the Husband formerly known as Bruce) say there's no way they could start having kids now. E.J., Leoben, Tamodi, and Brother Soul-man all concur.

So what's a middle-aged same gender lovin' homo to do? Aw, let's not let this deflate the wind from my sails. I can honestly report Gabe was kind enough to give the impression he was flirting right back. I don't want to be delusional though. Since I didn't have any of my queer posse or Girl Fridays with me, I can't be 100% positive. If he was flirting back, good. The notion definitely picks up my self esteem, which has been in the toilet for some time now.

Only one thing to do, then. Schedule a dinner date with the fags and the hags, and head on back to the Trattoria....

Through Different Eyes

Visual is everything, especially in the gay/SGL community, huh? Oh boy, here I go...

Throwing caution to the wind this evening, I decided to reveal myself to a friend who's been reading and keeping up with the Axe for some time now. Mind you, I'm not stressing out about it, but I'm curious about what this person thinks. I've never claimed to be anything more than who I am and who you read about in this blog. Curiosity, however, compels me to wonder what he thought. Hmm? Probably because residual insecurities from childhood are troubling me.

Didja ever wonder how someone else viewed you? What's it like through their eyes? Questions like this cross my mind everyday when I correspond with folks from the 'Net. That's one thing I don't like about the Internet, the lack of face to face contact right away. Online, you can be anybody. I'm very WYSIWYG. The person who you read about and the things I mention are real. I've never claimed to be anything more.

It surprised me a few months ago reading a review of Weilding the Axe and the reviewer lead people to believe I was the drop dead gorgeous stud {who used to be} on the Header. Aw, hell no. I ain't him! While I'm not fug-mo', I don't come close to being supa dupa phine like that. Nope. Not today, not tomorrow, and next week is still questionable, LOL! I know some you will be disappointed, but get over it. We all can't be hunks. I'm in no way ashamed of how I look, but I do get miffed when people contact me, having built this delusional fantasy, that I'm some Mulatto stud who'll whisk off and be their date for the night. I'm just ordinary me. That's all.

Please be assured, none of this is directed to my friend I talked with tonight. He'll be reading this tomorrow, so let me make this clear. He doesn't care what I look like, just wanted a visual of who he was communicating with, because we've become fast friends over the last several months.

However, something in the conversation "clicked" requiring me to address this personal issue. No. This post is for people who've contacted me with negative bullshit remarks; people who've done tireless searches online, painstakingly finding my pictures associated through other websites, and cried foul because I wasn't what they imagined. OK, how fuckin' immature are you?!?!

First off, I never told you to build a fantasy image, did I? Second, stop being so God-damned shallow. Not every man in this world is gonna be cover model perfect, like Vibe, Jet, Ebony, GQ, Details, Flava Men, ESPN Magazine, whatever. For you "thug-chasers," keep on lookin! While I can pull off an attitude, I do come off probably more "whitebred" (which is not to be confused with white actin' or wanna-be white). Third, drop the stereotypes anyway! All men of color are not cut from the same frickin' cloth! Fourth and finally, don't y'all Adonis Perfect snobs have a local gay bar in your neighborhood? Go there if perfection is what yous seek!

Besides, I don't blog to hook up. I blog to share my personal experiences, as a healing process for the hurt and pain I've had in negative periods in my life. I post funny shit and sexy photos of men too. If I make a friend or two along the way or can inspire someone to rise about their own strife, well all the merrier. But I never ever indicated I was mega-hunk. Have I?

As mentioned, I'm not ashamed of my appearance. My reasons for not showing my face are simple: A) This blog gets personal and is embarrassing occasionally. B) My job is sorta middle profile and I don't need my employer all up in my grill about my business. C) I have relatives I've chosen not to out myself to yet. Their disapproval of me broadcasting familial or personal facts about myself would go beyond annoying. I keep things semi-anonymous to protect their privacy as well.

For me? I don't care. I'm not trying to hide in the closet necessarily. I'm perhaps the most open person you'd ever run into. Ask and I'll answer is my motto. You might get more than you bargain for, however. LOL.

I've never had any problem meeting guys or getting sex. So I know I am worth all that AND MORE. So if I don't fit your ideal man of color prerequisite, it's probably best if you step anyway. Quit reading the blog here and now. I don't suffer ignorance long. I maybe common, but I am a beautiful multi-ethnic, multiracial black man!

There you have it...

So. Now that my little rant is done. I will confess this much, I wonder what my friend thought? I'll dub him "Nightcrawler" to respect his privacy. He knows who he is. (Ask me later, Nightcrawler, and I'll explain your moniker to ya) I imagine Nightcrawler was a little surprised by my image. He loved my smile and my goatee. Alright, so now I'm threadbare in his presence. Ah, the vulnerability...I'm loving this! I usually like to be in control in these type of situations, when introducing myself, but it's good to let someone wrest control away every now and again.

Right?

We Now Resume Our Regular Programming

So I haven't been blogging much lately. I feel bad about it, almost like its an obligation to the regular readers. Of course I realize there are plenty who come to the Axe to window shop for eye candy, which is fine. I haven't post many thoughts or eye candy in a while. Hell, I haven't even kept up with my usual blog reads or my email. I've just been blah lately...snap out of it already!

Despite not blogging, there's been much on my mind since I got out of the hospital. I've been home now for a week, catching up with reality. I did read one or two emails, one from a reader wanted to know what was wrong with me, if I had HIV or something. While I'm not offended by their concern, why is it if I'm sick, the automatic assumption is I'm HIV positive? I thought we got past that? This isn't 1988. It's 2008! Still, given how I've been sick for a long time, I suppose I can understand why someone would jump to the conclusion.

To answer the question to said reader, No, I do not have HIV, AIDS, or cancer, for that matter. While I am usually free and open about my life, I am reserved about talking about certain topics, especially my health matters. I have an illness that is not a sexually transmitted disease, but is fairly common, and on certain days, makes me less than whole.

Whenever I get sick with other illnesses (as I did in January and February with the flu and my upper respiratory infection) they exacerbate the problem to the point I can get seriously ill, and if not careful, terminal. Make no mistake, when I was admitted to the hospital recently (on my birthday, no less, dammit) I was very lucky. The admitting doctors said if I had waited any longer, I could have died.

But never fear, I'm here, better, heavily medicated, and resting comfortably. I do need to thank my extended family, my circle of friends, who were there for me when I needed them. There are way to many to list off, but they know who they are.

Now.... Where do I go from here? Well, since I have the next three months to convalesce, I suppose I could throw my opinion in on the Democratic Presidential Nomination battle between Barack and Hillary. It looks like I might actually vote in a PA Primary for the first time! Don't get me wrong, I vote, just usually not in the Primaries because by the time they get to Pennsylvania, decisions have been made. Not so this year. Looks like the Keystone State is gonna be crucial to either camp's possible delegate count.

You know who I support, but to be honest, I'm really tired of Obama and Clinton squabbling. Unite and defeat McCain! Does our country need another four to eight years of the Republican overlords? Why won't any politician admit the country is in a Recession? What about the drain on resources from the War? Rising gas prices? Unemployment? The mortgage crunch? Health care?

Oh lord! I really need to get off this subject....where are the sexy men at?!?! While I was in the hospital, to keep my brain from congealing into ooze from the daytime talk shows and soaps, I watched CNN (never Fox News though) and was inundated with all things Political. I'm tired of it all as I said. So, I'll try not to discuss it in the blog too terribly much.

Anyone watching this season's American Idol? I like Idol's approach this year, but I'm not fond of many of the contestants. Of course, I'm throwing my support behind the little bundle of cuteness, David Archuletta. Unlike Sanjaya, David doesn't come across as gay (not that there's anything wrong with being gay, Sanjaya just needs to be honest with himself) and actually has talent.

I'm not sure about the Idol contestants. The guys seem better than the women this season. Only a few contestants sit well with me however. My least favorites are Kristy Lee Cook (Legs), Amanda Overmyer (Skunkhead) and Romiele Malubay (Miss Will-You-Be-My-BFF?).
I also noticed there were plenty gay contestants in the top 24, but now they're weeding us all out. And what the Hell?!?! Did AI fall in love with the name David this year or what? LOL.

I won't discuss stripper boy, David Hernandez, only mention American Idol handled the situation the only way they could without addressing it directly. I've long believed Idol manipulates voting results to how they want.

While Mr. Hernandez wasn't the worst last week (certainly Kristy Lee was with her country rendition of Eight Days A Week), Idol never said one word about David's stripping past in a gay establishment or about his implied sexuality. Some cried foul. Remember former contestant Frenchie? Remember Corey Clarke? Minority contestants, who for some reason or another, had a speckled past and were booted. Yet, American Idol didn't dismiss a Caucasian looking contestant. Hmmmm...

Playing Devil's Advocate, Hernandez is a Spanish name, however, so technically, he could possibly be considered a minority. Not in my book, but others, may says yes. In my estimation though, American Idol knew they had to do something about David Hernandez. Because his of stripping past, the powers-that-be needed to address the issue, or the issue would've taken a life of its own and overshadowed the show. So, I'm sure they rigged the results.

On a different note... someone asked me yesterday if I "like" (translation: was attracted to) AI contestant Jason Castro. I almost choked on my soda! First of all, that boy is young enough to be my son. Second, I really don't like dreadlocks on white men (again, technically, Jason is of South American decent, therefore could be considered a minority). Third, I need a man (or woman, at this point I'll take what God sends me) and not a "child." Been there, done that with Napoleon, sold the rights, it was a bestselling novel! No. The older I get, you seriously need to be born in the same decade as I was before I consider "whatevah" with you.

The licentious skank in me though, does want you to know I noticed how tight Jason's jeans were last night. It didn't turn me on, but I noticed.

And saving the not so best for last, Napoleon....

Our "friendship" is done once and for all. I've stuck to my grounds and I'm glad. I need not say too much more but one factor that played an crucial part in my decision is he stole $65 from me, then lied about it. I'd bet the farm he did. But there were other concerns and reasons why I cut him loose. Despite being sick, I did break down and sleep with him back in February. I was lonely and a little desperate. Worse still, is we didn't use a condom. Argh. I know, I know, I know... let's not lecture me on stupidity. I know better. I got lectured by all of my friends. I got tested several times since and I get an AIDS test every few months regularly (not that much action is hittin' my doorstep, but that shit incubates, and comes home to roost whenever it's ready). AIDS is on the rise in the African American community and I was stupid. I used to teach people on AIDS awareness. I know better!!!

Hester and Lady Miss T understand though. They saw the charm and magnetism first hand Napoleon has. He can be downright irresistible. Of course Prince's song Irresistible Bitch comes to mind. Still, Naps is by far, the most selfish person to ever walk the face of Mother Earth. He's beyond fucked up for a myriad of reasons I won't get into. He wears you down, uses, and throws you away. I had to reach inside and pull out my self-esteem. I had to ask God to forgive and try to move on. I hold no malice towards him, I just have to let him go. What's the old saying? If you love someone, set them free.

Let's not delude things, what I felt wasn't real love, but it felt like it at times.

So do you feel sufficiently caught up? I hope so. I might just do a few picture posts for a while until I can get back into the groove. As always, live life to the fullest, and stick by the blog. Thanks for reading.

DT.

Requisites

Like anyone else, I have my good days and have my bad days. God has blessed me (or perhaps, the Devil has cursed me) to be in touch with my feelings and emotions. I'm not afraid to show them or let them resonate from within. I consider my self damage, yes, yet a work in progress. Perpetually, the dual edged sword.

Each morning, as I paddle off to the bathroom to take care of the daily necessities, toileting, bathing, grooming, I work hard on fortifying my esteem so I can face the world. My life has been difficult, I've had to overcome an adversity or two, but not insurmountable. Through it all, I value love and friendships that support me through the grind moment to moment. Without a firm support base, our foundation, the structure of us, would collapse and decay. Each night, I like to think I give my Higher Power thanks, in some way, for the gift of friendship and love bestowed.

Recently, I had a conversation with a few friends and was astonished to learn one or two my black male accomplices are uncomfortable with my sexuality. Actually, one person didn't surprise me because they're not at ease in their own skin, so why should they be with mine? Now mind you, I'm not judging, but I'm a little suspect of anyone who can't be in touch with themselves. These overly reserved, I never get angry, couldn't possibly cry, it's never my fault but your's types are ticking time bombs. Certainly, there's a difference between living life and existing in life. Simply existing, in my opinion, is bidding your time until your crawl into your grave.

I don't expect everybody to understand where I've been. Don't expect everyone to elate I've come to terms with struggles and conflict, accept my place. I do expect those I am closest to though, be able to share and give freely of their heart and soul. Don't hoard your emotions! If I do,say, or demonstrate something that does not please you, tell me. Don't whisper behind my back and expect me to change, share it...

I don't fault straight men, possibly straight women too, for not understanding homosexuality. People are taught from birth its wrong, evil, a sin. But love and sexuality is more than two people having sex (f*cking). In the end, its really about two people trying to connect with each others hearts and minds. Yeah, I've heard the argument homosexuality is unnatural and perverted, counter productive. Heard folks shout homosexuality is immoral and licentious.

Yeah? What about you're own heterosexual behaviors? Getting drunk, nailing every woman from here to California, having tons of babies you don't support, ain't immoral?

Some aspects of sexual behavior are equally destructive, gay or straight! Just because you fear being less than a man, automatically makes me less than a man? Not so! I'm human. I breathe, I feel, I want, I desire, I need. Aren't those the same things you feel? Oh I forgot, you don't feel. Guess those balls got in the way of your brain.

Please tell me, why it is more acceptable to watch two women make out than it is two men? Hmm? Why the double standard? Again, you can't feel. Can't touch the tender spot within. Are you that insecure in your masculinity that the act of two men enjoying and sharing castrates you? Really now?!? C'mon! Get with the mother-flippin' program! We all have things we don't like, sure, but get mature already! A real man, gay or straight, loves and accepts people from all walks of life. Accepting homosexuality, being comfortable with someone else's, does not mandate you are one!

OK, blew that up a bit. I'm not angry, not directing this to anyone person in particular, I just tire hearing the argument, especially from straight black men. Looking back, it's the reason I fled from my community as fast as I could as a child. My diaspora though, punishes me as an adult, because I've missed out on camaraderie and solid companionship from my black peers. Made foolish choices because I was afraid of being abused, both physically and emotionally, from the hands of straight black men.

My relationships with straight black men are terse and on edge, even with so-called gay accepting ones. Even E.J. and I don't see eye to eye on things. He can laugh and joke about things, but I had to read him one day about the whole "it's a preference thing." What the fuck! Do you honestly think I'd chose a lifestyle that ostracizes me from everything familiar? Oh pray tell, how much I adore being a social pariah, as I've felt in my life experience? I've never felt like I fitted in, was accepted. Above all else, E.J. should understand that! He knows what I'm talking about (private matter)...I'm not mad at E.J. either. I long ago accepted his limitations on what I can and can't express to him. I hid my sexuality for a long time from him for that reason.

It wasn't until a mutual acquaintance of ours outed me, that I came clean to E.J. (Yes, E.J. I know about that whole conversation. There's very little I allow get by me, that involves me.) He shuts down when he feels ill-at-ease with subjects he can't fathom, can't handle. I love him, though, like brother and defy anyone who tries to hurt him. I'd kick anyone's ass if they tried to fuck with him, including his bitch ex-wife (someone I wouldn't dare tangle with on a good day!). Naw, he's my brother and he's been there through some tough shit in my life. We don't need to speak about it, it's just one of those understood deals. Doesn't everyone have a friend like that? I have the pleasure, the Grace really, to say I've several...

My whole point here, is when will we be able to live and let live? When will we see an interracial couple, a gay couple, a lesbian couple, a whatevah couple, and not give a second glance or thought? When will SGL/LGBT persons of color find love and celebration from the greater AA community? Embraced and loved without a moment's hesitation? When will we all learn to recognize we each have our purpose in life, and allow it? Huh? When???

WTF?!?! (4)

OK, Why is the most popular racist in America (next to Mel Gibson and Michael Richards) married to a black woman!?!?! Or should the question be, why is this black woman married to a bigot???

Back before Rocker made his controversial statements about NYC and N'Yorkers, or least, before anyone was publicly aware he was a whack-job, Rocker seemed like a good pitcher and kinda cute. He coulda been a star, but then all hell broke loose with his comments on gays, Blacks, Hispanics, New York Subway riders, and whatnot.

It's bad when even the Atlanta Braves have to cut you for racial remarks!

I caught his picture from The One Drop Forum. Included is the link to read the back story: John Rocker and Alicia Marie. If you search hard enough, you can find the link to John's webpage.

I'm not including the link because I do not support Rocker's viewpoints or attitudes. I browsed his webpage and what I found was chilling. Then again, Rocker is Georgia born, bred, and raised. His racial epitaphs shouldn't surprise anyone knowing that.

Is it any wonder Rocker is a racist?!?! And shame on that fake-titted sow for marrying him!

Freedom To Express Oneself

Bored, a few days ago, I decided to stop at Border's Bookstore to purchase reading materials. Borders sells both newsworthy (like the Advocate, Out, and Genre) and softcore pornographic (Playgirl and Men Magazine), gay mags. Its the only place in my immediate area selling any gay publications since none of the malls do. Unfortunately, Border's has since stop selling Clik Magazine, one of the few publications catering the gay-bi-SGL African American community. I'm miffed about it and I'll probably need to subscribe now! This probably is a good thing. A subscription is cheaper than a store purchase.

I meandered towards the magazine section and noticed four teens in the gay periodical aisle. Three of the four youths were 15-16 year old boys. The lone white girl in the group appeared to be about 14. She wandered off shortly after I arrived. The boys, two African American, the other boy white, stood around the area I wanted to get to, browsing through the different mags on the shelves.

Usually I steer clear of a group of teens. Not wanting to place myself as a potential gay bash victim, I keep low profile. Fortunately, Border's keeps the comic section located in the same aisle as the gossip and gay magazines. All I had to do was browse through the latest issues of th X-men titles until the youngsters sojourn elsewhere. I picked up a book, plopped my backside down on a bench, and waited. And waited, and waited, and waited some more. Perhaps waited 25 minutes. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I was getting frustrated and my temper peaking. I just wanted to grab my wares and get home. The boys lingered a long time at the section. What was taking so long????

It took a few minutes, but finally, I put together the anatomy of the scene. My young companions were all gay! Huh? Gay? Uh-huh, gay! Unfortunately, it never occurred to me. I have to admit none of the boys set off my gaydar. Not a one and I'm usually excellent about spotting brethren. Well! Knock me over with a feather!

Careful to not to leer hungrily, I glanced in the direction one of the black boys holding hands with the white boy, both paging through a copy of XY Magazine, a gay periodical for teens and early 20-somethings. The other youth was trying to sneak glances at Men, a pornographic nude magazine, without getting caught. I locked eyes on to him. He looked nervous as Hell. Summoning my own courage, I gave him a understanding smile, stood up, walked over and grabbed a copies of Genre and the Advocate, then went over to the Coffee Shop to talk to my friend Shane who works at Border's. As I walked passed, they grabbed copies of several gay magazines and a straight one to put over top the others, and left, I assume, to find their female companion.

It did my 37-year-old heart good to witness that moment. it certainly took me back to my own adolescence, but not in the same way. I wasn't "out" in my teens and don't think I could have publicly displayed any affection with a boy if I had been. Despite the current increasing negative climate towards gays, I'm glad today's youth have more opportunities to express themselves and be open about their sexuality. 15-20 years ago, such a scene, I doubt would've happened. I daresay anywhere in Pennsylvania. Such an acts makes me beam inside and remind how far things have progress in just a short time frame.

At 37, perhaps I worry too much about tolerance towards gays. Where I live in Central PA is fairly moderate and open-minded, I'm careful of my actions at all times. For me, much of my concerns factor in race, ethnicity, and skin tone, not just sexuality. I can't afford to step outside the boundaries, not as a grown man. Perhaps if I were a teen again, maybe.

I envy young men for their cavalier openness, especially the black youth in the interracial commitment. As a young black, a gay black male, not only is he going against the norm by dating outside his race, but has the courage and boldness to publicly display his affection for his partner. Kudos my young friend. You make me proud!

With Everything to Gain....

...There's so much to lose.

Just a quick post before bed time. This evening got away from me and I only accomplished a third of all the things I set out to do. My mood is dejected tonight because I'm feeling lonely in this world of mine. It was a chaotic day, complicated by plans I want to engage in within the next few weeks.

For my birthday and Christmas presents, my parents paid for a cruise for me on Royal Caribbean for a nine day excursion to the Bahamas, Bermuda, St. Thomas, St. Marten, Puerto Rico and a few other islands. I had applied for my passport shortly around the beginning of the year and cashed in part of my retirement so I'd have spending money. Both ventures would take some time to process, I understood this. My passport has not come and when I checked the US Department of State website, they have no record of my application being processed.

Further still, I also checked on the status of my retirement account and that has not been completed yet as well. I went into panic mode and have been dreary ever since.

Today's lesson is one in patience. I called the people who hold my retirement funds, PSERS, the Public School Employees' Retirement System, and blasted the representative on the other line. Feeling frustrated, irritated,and despondent, I proceeded to read the riot act to this poor man who was only trying to help me. In the end, I apologized to him and expressed my sympathy for what he does. I should've know better. I work in a similar situation where people can call upon me daily for assistance with state programs to improve the quality of their lives. I understand how annoying it is to have someone on the other line who refuses to be pacified or allow you to seek resolution for their demands. I was embarrassed at the end of the day because several of my coworkers witnessed my meltdown. Normally, I'm an easy-going mind mannered fellow, but when I get riled up, watch out Nelly! I was more than livid about my struggle with this impending trip.

Part of the problem is my trip is scheduled over Memorial Day weekend and to say I've been excited about this sojourn is an understatement. Feeling like this house of cards is about to collapse threw me into a quandary beyond belief. I attempted contacting the US Department of State, but they have a voice recorded message that will not allow you to speak with a representative unless your trip is two weeks away. Mine is scheduled to sail in a little over five weeks. So what to do? My good sister-girl friend told me to relax and put my trust in God, saying, "If this trip is meant to be, it's meant to be. No one can undermine God." That's true, however, given human nature, I worry about things. My faith has been found wanting in the past and this situation is no exception.

My other dilemma is I spent a greater part of the day communicating with Linus through e-mail and instant messenger. OK. This was bad because when he had contacted me the other day, I had no intention of contacting him back. However, he has multiple ways of getting a hold of me and sent a distressed e-mail to my work e-mail. It moved me and I felt compelled to write him back. Without getting into all the sordid details, Linus is intending to end things with Napoleon in the near future. As explained, their relationship has fundamental problems at its core. Conversing with Linus, I felt guilt beyond belief, because knowing that I contributed in the detriment in their relationship by sleeping with Naps on more than several occasions, I found myself pleading Napoleon's case for Linus not to break up with him. What am I crazy????

Linus is seeing other guys, albeit discreetly. I've seen him at the local watering holes several times with some guy. I'm a sneaky bitch and know how to quickly duck for cover while spying. I disclosed to Linus I knew the real deal, but did so in a way that didn't confess my own adulterous liaisons with Napoleon. Overall, I encouraged Linus to sit down with Naps and figure what they want to do with their situation.

My guilt tonight is compounding by the minute. I've been keeping myself occupied so not to give thought to how I placated what they have going. It also gave me good cause to reevaluate what could potentially be if I got involved with Napoleon. I don't want to be someone's father, nor do I want to be taken advantage of, robbed, lied to, or cheated upon. Naps is a good person a heart, but he can be selfish, immature, and insensitive when he's in self-absorbed mode.

Again, what to do? I feel shitty. I mean I'm 37 years old. I feel I've been thrust back to junior high! Or at least, playing a sleazy role on an episode of of the Young & the Restless. God Rest Drusilla's soul, but she's not dead, dammit!!!

Over the weekend I need to sort out my own feelings. I'm headed down to the Philadelphia area to see my parents and might have to make a side trip to visit Naps in his new digs. He started his orientation today and I'm curious to see how he's settling in. Am I a bad person for wanting not be alone for the rest of my life? I've been in some disastrous situations myself and I totally fucked up my last good relationship with someone I should be married to. That wasn't too much my fault, given the fact I'm bisexual. Most women don't want a man who's interested in men too. It's too much competition. Shhhhhhhhhhhit. Where am I going?????

"What's your Major, dude?"

So over the weekend I had made the drive up to State College to take a friend back to school. By now I've gotten used to the drive to Penn State. There are some parts of the drive that are very relaxing, albeit, not at two o'clock in the morning. Because we were due to have a snow and ice storm, my friends decided they wanted to leave early in the Sunday wee hours so we could avoid the Wintery mix. Storms are always worse in Happy Valley than in my area.

I felt awake enough although I had little to no sleep on Saturday. Earlier I had been out looking at apartments with a friend, so my afternoon was pretty cramped. As usual I didn't rest even with high possibility I'd be driving over night. Not a problem, when needed, I can kick start my second wind and tap into my reserve energy. I could handle driving two hours to State College.

Once we got to my buddy's dorm, my friends went upstairs to unload the bounty while I grabbed a smoke by the car. While waiting, out comes some student from the dorm dressed in hockey gear and with a towel wrapped around his waist. He was obviously drunk and had been for some time. He started a conversation with me, which I thought was odd, but flattering. It's been over a decade plus since I've been a undergrad student or could pass for one. Perhaps it was my ensemble I had on, my do-rag scarf covering my braids and my snazzy leather coat, and my trendy jeans. In any case he must of thought I was because he kept asking me if I had fun tonight. Not one to disappoint his drunken mistaken assumption, I played along and just stated I had had too much funny.

"Dude, you can never have too much fun," he responded. We chatted for a few moments until a car pulled up. I then understood why he was dressed in his hockey garb. The three of them were on the hockey team and were about to leave for some tournament so they could qualify for "nationals" (at least that's what I thought I heard them say).

Mr. Hockey's friend laughed at his intoxication and were bantering about when the next thing I witness was Mr. Hockey with his track pants at his ankles standing in the alley way in his boxer shorts. College kids. His buddies were roaring with laughter as I stood by the fortunate member to participate in this stupid college-boy-antic show. His friends took several picture with their camera phones and called several people up, poking fun at Mr. Hockey's intoxicated state. After a while they decided they needed to get going and urged Mr. Hockey to get in the car (I assume they needed to get to the team bus). The kid insisted he wanted to walk. The guys tried to coax before giving up.

As my Penn-Stater friends starts to walk along with the car, he dragged one of the large recycle containers with him. He got about two feet before the container spilled over, making a thunderous noise, and flaying bottles and cans everywhere. At this point, my drunken friend yells "I didn't mean it!" several times, hops in his friends' car, and they all speed off, leaving me in the alley feeling a bit perplexed, but definitely amused.

Ah, Penn State! You are truly teaching our leaders of tomorrow....LOL