Monday, April 16, 2007
A Tribe of One: Interlude: I Am That I Am
"Some days you get the bear and other days the bear gets you." How true it is. Moodiness has crept into my soul and I'm feeling particularly dark tonight. Perhaps its because of the windy, dreary, damp evening, but tonight feels worse than any case of the "Sunday Blues" I've experienced. Many thoughts are forcing themselves upon me, issues I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with. Despite my best efforts, everything keeps barging to the forefront, wanting to take top priority. I'm not in the mood, dammit.
Where to begin? Nothing unusual occurred during the work day other than I was disheartened to hear about the tragedy at Virginia Tech this afternoon. Chugging through the afternoon, my coworker, Miss Pam, asked if I had heard about the shooting during our afternoon smoke break. Shooting? What shooting??? Suddenly, every tragic shooting that's occurred at a high school or college campus came flooding back to me, I thought to myself, "Shit. Here we go again." My heart goes out to the staff, faculty, students, and families affected by the tragedy. While I'm depressed as hell this evening, the VT shooting spree is another example to treat each day as precious because tomorrow is never a guarantee.
I think I'm besotted with my Napoleon again and the fear his move is going to remove him from my life permanently fills me with much trepidation. I'm angry with myself because I've been on an emotional high, thinking since I confessed my heart, he's a surefire guarantee to become my mate. Incorrect assumption my dear tomahawk! Every now and again, life, the Divine, will speak to you to bring back home to reality. Tonight, yours truly journeyed to K-mart to purchase some items I hadn't gotten during my weekly grocery trip on Saturday. I still had a gift card to use up from Christmas anyway. I got some things for myself and an odd thing or two as a going away gift for Naps. As I headed out to car after my acquisitions, Linus called me on my cellphone. Linus is calling me? LINUS? Why now? Why here? I don't believe in coincidence. This was some kind of omen or epiphany or revelation some how; don't deny that!
So what is the Divine trying to tell me? My heart refuses to answer the question. My intellect is turning the blind eye, but my usually rebellious spirit, is listening and is taking heed. I haven't called Linus back and have no intention to do so. He's a crazy mofo. Everything he does has hidden meaning and purpose and I've learned to be suspicious and extremely weary of him. Possibly, Naps went running to Linus after my confession yesterday? Unlikely, but Napoleon can be vindictive at times and would use my amorous disclosure as leverage against Linus. As I indicated last night, their relationship is tumultuous and volatile quite frequently. I've never seen anything that remotely resembles a loving relationship. More often than not they're either arguing or fucking. Their union lacks compassion and tenderness. Both have suspected the other of cheating. Make no mistake, I admit freely I'm in the wrong for all this because I did help Napoleon to cheat on Linus, but one can't control the dictates of one's heart, one's emotional state of being. At least I can't in this case.
Tomorrow I'm dropping off my departure bounty at the Bonaparte home like the dutiful would-be boyfriend. I'm not sure what to expect, I'll have to blog about it afterwards. Hopefully the visit will go smoothly and without incident, but to be honest, I doubt it. There's never a dull moment when Naps is involved in my life.
At best, I'm frustrated. During my life, I've always was careful not to step out of line and be the dutiful, loyal, obedient son, brother, friend, what have you. But as I confessed to Miss T recently, I'm tired of playing it safe. I'm taking a risk and going after what I want. Sure it isn't the best venture to enter into, but I could see building a future with this man and make it successful. He's not just "Mr Right Now." Napoleon wasn't just a quick hop in the sack, and then me out to sojourn for another meaningless lay. No. This man-child, for whatever reason, has given me security, hope, and deep passion I never anticipated I'd feel. Napoleon set me free (to a certain extent)!His keys have unshackled emotions locked away, ones too frightening to experience previously. I don't have time to worry about how someone else is going to think? I'm not intentionally driving a wedge between Linus and Napoleon's relationship, but I'm not supporting it either.
The other point grinding its axe tonight is a contact on my MySpace profile by one of my fraternity brothers. It took me aback. Whenever someone from my "heterosexual life" contacts me, I regress to that shamed person from many days gone by. There are those still who don't know of my sexual orientation. I'm not ashamed, not embarrassed, just as I said, just taken aback. This frat brother was someone I spent significant time with and if there was anyone who seemed to be accepting of me, it'd be Hometown. He was three or four pledge classes under me, I sincerely forget.
I don't do the frat thing anymore, rarely, if ever keeping contact with any of my frat brothers. Years later, I've realized I pledged the wrong fraternity and did so for completely all the wrong reasons. I was seeking external cohesiveness, but my fraternity experience failed to deliver. I was never really sold on the bonds of brotherhood thing and never able to make the connection with most of the Brotherhood. Fraternities, today, seem to be an exercise in power and to allow straight men to play on their own homo-curiosities. Genuinely, I believe I was aware I was the deer in the lions' den, the lone homo in the midst of overly horny, heterosexual men, in my fraternity. Well not the lone homo, there are at least four I know who played both sides of the fence, but they were so straight-acting, no one would ever dare contemplate them committing a homosexual act unless you were in the know. Me? A friend pointed out it's fairly obvious about my sexual tastes. Really?
A good friend of mine from a rival fraternity confessed several years after graduation he had slept with at least three of my frats. Interesting. One of those brothers, "Fozzie," was the dream of every woman on campus that knew him. DoJo and I laugh about it today when we hear he got married and had several kids. We know the the truth. He really is a LAMBDA boy.
I don't have lasting, longingly memories from my days as a frat boy. Sure there plenty of good times associated around my fraternity, but when I look back, they involve my social group outside of the Greek system. Sometimes I wonder, should I've pledged at all??? If Doctor Who gave me a lift in his TARDIS, I'm not sure if I would go back and remedy my present dilemma.There is value in learning from our past misdeeds, even if we have to suffer to some degree.
Hitting closer still, with my sexuality, is this is the year I've decided to completely come out to my family. I'm scared as hell to do this because I'm afraid of the ramification after I take that step. Only one who knows my mother and stepfather can understand my plight. Miss T and I were talking about it tonight and she's deeply troubled over how the matter will go down. My family is not one to be understanding or even to discuss what's blatantly before them. We have too may secrets. Too many. There are mysteries about my family I've never shared with anyone outside my family, and that's deep, because people who know me, know I'm very open about mostly everything. Everything that is except issues involving the inner Tomahawk and my dark familial past.
Sexuality be damn to anyone else! I'm out in my own world. My coworkers know, my friends know, my professional associates know, it's not something to hide. I don't go wearing the rainbow flag or anything, but I'm not one for backing down about who I am. "I am that I am." I chose that as the title for this post because all of these concerns tie together somehow. The Divine is speaking to me, I just haven't figured out the message yet.
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.