Sunday, February 10, 2008

Anger & Tears

Figured I'd do one more post before bed. No pictures tonight, just words. It's bitterly cold outside tonight, winds blowing somethin fierce outside. Good night to be under the covers with the electric blanket on. Good night for a nice novel. I've got several waiting for me.

Blog posts might be lite for the next few days while I reassess where I want the Axe to go. I realize some posts have been deeply person and heavy. I put myself out there beyond my comfort zone, now I'm feelin' a little ashamed, slightly embarrassed. Originally, I started blogging because I thought it'd be a great way to express thoughts and opinion, plus dish some eye candy on the side. I'm not feel overly creative these days, feelin' like I'm just bitching and rehashin' the same old same old. Is my blog really interesting? Really? perhaps, but my soul searching has run aground with recent road blocks and sandbars in route.

Napoleon and I have been bickering more than ever lately. Just a matter of time till we're no longer friends. I can't blame him entirely. I get impatient with him too easily. I forget he still hasn't crossed all the journeys I have. Nevertheless, I am far from shallow or materialistic. I don't judge or value someone by how much money is in their wallet or by their appearance. If I'm friends with you, developed a connection, you've touched and intrigued my mind, isn't that what life is about? An exchange of thoughts and ideas, striving for self and community improvement?

Naps has a way of makin' me feel like shit about myself in a way none of my other friends do. As I said, he's a shallow bastard, and judges quickly on personal appearance and is ill mannered. He'll quickly blurt out whatever's on his mind before thinking about ramifications. The boy is drop dead gorgeous, sure, but I wonder sometimes if he has a heart? I am by no means a pretty boy or consider myself remotely handsome. I struggle with self-esteem and image, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and show my emotions easily and often. Naps is calculating and a huge drama queen. No matter the topic, conversation, or situation, he has a way of diverting all attention and focus back to him.

Our original fight started a couple weeks ago when he started dating his new beau du jour, "Joesph." I can't stand the bastard. My mum taught me if you really can't be nice or show kindness to someone, stay away from them, which I'm doing. I've broken plans with Naps because I really don't care to spend my evening feeling bad about myself or stuck with him and Joey all glamorous, pretty, and A&F-ing about at the clubs. I'm just not in that place anymore. While I'm trying to build positive esteem, Naps seem to quickly want it dismantled. Ugh! Why? Must I be your standard of handsome to be your friend?!?!

Rejection is a bitch and a half! So on top of dealing with not feeling accepted, secure, or even attractive, I now have two or three friends actin' asinine lately. Now is when I need to rally positive enforcement, not feel like I'm some heathen troll that deserves to sit at the back of the room. We all can't be 6'2", 146 lbs, and have abs out the wazzoo. And if that is the case, what is somebody in my situation supposed to do? Sit back and accept being the friggin' sidekick? So you keep me around so I can show the world how merciful you are?!?! WTF!

"Isn't that so nice of {Napoleon}! He's being so kind to that ugly guy!" Grrrrr! Please fuck off and die. Again, if you're that shallow that I have to be the ideal, typical, stereotypical gay clone (from either the gay black or gay white community), then why am I you're friend? I don't fit into either category. I'm just me. Cut me a break!

I'll end this on one of the best quotes that comes to mind, the words from Cellie's character in the Color Purple expressed when she finally leaves with Shug from rotten ol' Mister. Nobody said it better than Whoopi Goldberg.... and thank you God, for Alice Walker, because my heart understands the words tonight.

"I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here! ..."

1 comment:

Aaron said...

First off, I encourage you to continue writing from your heart. I think that if you write from the heart you will discover what an interesting, evolved, and beautiful person you are. Plus, your audience will discover it along with you.

As for the situation with Naps, I have a few life rules to live by: It is perfectly okay to cut people out of your life that aren't good for you. Why would you call someone a friend if he doesn't make you feel good? That's not a healthy relationship. Take the energy you invest in him and reinvest it in yourself. Do something good for yourself. My next piece of advice: Always put your well-being first. A lot of people tell me I'm wrong for believing in that, but I've learned (the hard way) that if I don't put myself first no one else will.

So, three things:

1) Write from the heart
2) Cut negative people out of your life (wash your hands clean of them)
3) Put yourself first (make yourself feel good)

Disclaimer

While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.

President Barack Obama!