Wednesday, January 23, 2008

'Tis You I Sought, Now Myself I Seek

Evenings go so quickly, while days seem to drag on indefinitely...what's wrong with this picture? Life is about balance, not inequality, though the contrary may appear to be true.

I worked extra hours tonight, went to the grocery store, ate dinner, read, and now am sitting down to blog. Again, I'm delaying posting several thoughts written by hand to type when I have more time. There is no real sense of urgency, yet, I did want to share several of my personal experiences regarding race and growing up a person of color. Not sure why some of these posts have become requisite to publish, but in truth, its all apart of communicating the things deep inside, reaching out, and absolving myself of guilt and shameful issues which have been hindrances.

My mood is light, my thoughts unusually passionate. I can't explain where these emotions seed from. There's no one special on the peripheral radar, not since I tanked any notion Myjah would come around. We still talk, unlike Napoleon and I. Myjah makes an effort to be friendly and congenial where Napoleon has been selfish, arrogant, and a huge bore. We last talked a week ago, when he announced he had a new boyfriend. It's all about materialism and the outward appearence with Naps. Friendship are sometimes only for a season or two. I think I'm quickly out growing the need to keep him in my life. The immaturity is workin' and pullin' me down.

Like the rest of the parade of men to travel in and out of Darktomahawk's world, when the apex is reached with Napoleon, I will be blessed. Each man has had some lesson divined towards my quest. My friendship with Napoleon gave me a sense of security for a time, put love in my heart and proved the value, that I could love and want to settle down with someone on a permanent basis. He opened the door to feelings I hid too long; refused to allow myself to experience. Now at the conclusion of our friendship (looks that way with our current cold war status) I worry about the next stage in the game. Who's next before I reach Nirvana?

Coming to terms with self-identity, whether it be sexually, racially, physically, or emotionally is never an easy quest. Yet, I feel good (at least today) on the path I've travel thus far. I still have many footfalls to travel before I reach my destination, and from there even, a new journey will begin. Life is just several different journeys until we take out last breath. Never stop searching for what you can achieve. Enlightenment is out there, it'll just take time to find it....

1 comment:

Aaron said...

Napoleon sounds like an oddly familiar person in my life. I imagine he must be a smaller guy, given you've penned him "Napoleon." The way you describe his personality sounds so much like a guy I got hung up on a few years ago. I almost want to ask you if he's the same person. Or, do we all have a little Napoleon of our own?


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