Blurt It Out

You cannot hide your true emotions now, even if you try. It's like they are posted on your forehead and everyone can see exactly how you are feeling. But still, your sudden emotional outburst may surprise others. You feel it coming and know that it will encourage someone else to express his or her feelings, too....

Sometimes though, you just got to say what the fuck, and jus' do it!

For a friend who spoke up when they needed to the most.

No Burning Bush, No Firery Pillar

I have grown disillusioned with life and I'm not sure what the fuck to do about it. Everything seems trite, tired, and blah. I'm not depressed, just rather colossally bored. No, bored isn't either. Something is missing from my life and lately no matter what I do to fill it, nothing seems to bring me completion.

Now I won't sit here and bemoan about what I don't have. Lord knows I have plenty; in fact too much! All my needs are met. I want for very little and yet there's the void.... Hark! Is this truly the decent into a REAL mid-life crisis?!?! I often joke about having one but usually it's just Ian being melodramatic as per usual. In this situation? I find myself longing for thing that aren't there or just don't exist.

I'm at a loss for words now because I don't know how to express that "something" that just ain't there. That something I know SHOULD BE there but isn't. Is it because of immaturity? Misdeeds? Inactivity? Sin? Stupidity? Come Universe send me a sign here. You know I walk by signs and wonders....avow there is no such thing as coincidence. Speak loudly and clearly! You also know I'm rather dunderheaded. That rustling in the breeze business only leaves more questions than confirmation.

So what am I doing wrong here?

Solo Dancing

What's good people? I know it's been a minute since I've penned a thought or two but things have been unusual on my end. Things worked aiight with the car. As anticipated, the was costly repai needed. Took care of it and I moved on without a second thought...

The next set of circumstances has been harder to manage. Doubt, fear, and almighty insecurity decided to become unwanted houseguest and I've been forced to look at the very issues I try ever so carefully to keep in check.

My esteem has taken a bit of a beatin'. Oh but - should rephrase and say my ego has. I'm going into reasons why; I"m far too embarrassed to explain, but I find myself wanting and demanding more than I've had previously. Call it a midlife crisis. Call it a stupid man finally trynna gain some sense, I dunno. All I know is I wake each morning and I don't like my environment! My min is putting me through changes to fix things and I won"t be at peace until it's settled.

Is this normal? I've never claimed to be, dance far too long to a different beat, and only when I realize I'm the only one hearing that tune how bizarre I must seem to others.

I need to dance with someone for awhile...

Search Me, Review Me, Clear Me

So the most dreaded task has come around and with a flip of the calender, I must comply. Like the Borg say, "Resistence is futile!"

State Auto Inspection! Eek! Lord, pray for us, now and at the time of our parting INDEED!

Now, I gonna be a tad bit more faithful than that, but each the year's inspection fills me with a sense a dread. Whether it's the need for tires, a broken belt, or some other unexpected calamity, the whole process is daunting and most certainly draining. Not only on the mind, but the wallet as well!

I'm sitting texting this post as the mechanic is tending to Volfy's (short for Volfpax, my car's name) care. There's a slight trepidation in my gut because my rear driver's side tire had been squealing and knowing I know BUPKIS about vehicles, I'm nervous in the service somethin' terrible will come back.

Last year it was a bad cellinoid. The year prior I needed new tires. Dang! Volfy is a good car and I treat it well, but a brutha can't be pouring money in the mechanic's pockets like that! Half of it is going to labor charges...LOL

In the end I'm going to be optimistic and have faith. A litle resolve the Universe and the Creator know what they're doing. Money is tight, but where's a will, there will ALWAYS be a way.

To quote my big brother, "I'll Keep You Posted..."
-Ian

Hm, Him So Handsome...

This morning on the drive to work I caught myself gawking at a beautiful guy standing outside the barbershop on the corner. I don't know why he was so captivating, he was just distracted me so. Perhaps because I've been struggling with self and a tad lonely something latched on to this Adonis hanging at The BMCC, but all I know is my mood today has been rather downplayed.

It's strange for me sometimes when I see visions of everything want/wanted to be in life... The perfect body, vibe, swagga, aura, whatever...I often am caught astounded by how I came to be in my own set of circumstances while others have seemingly progressed and achieved poise, grace, and all that jazz. It goes beyond sexuality for I often quite feel there's a place among my gay brethren as well. So happened?

Catching up with recent posts Pharaoh and UrsoVain wrote got me pondering about the great big game we're all playing; whether it's to find a mate or just make social acquaintances, you gotta have skills to fit right with the other players. Admittedly, I don't often know the rules! I guess that's the nature of life and I need to accept it, but it still doesn't make it right.

Perhaps Darwin was right after all? Survival of the fittest, eh? Hm, guess l'm losing fast...for now.

Tired...But Still Going.

Oh my. So last night I came home and fell out! After work I went for my nightly walk and pushed myself a lil extra. It was hot. It was humid. It wanted to thunderstorm. But I made it through. I came home had time to make a few phone calls to touch base with a few folk, called myself gonna lay across the bed for a few minutes, next thing I know the alarm is buzzing away this morning. Damn! I musta been wiped. It's worth it though. I'm so trying to work off these extra pounds amassed these last few months. Getting in shape ain't easy, but I'm determined to do.

Hopefully tonight I'll get more done before falling asleep. LOL

Facebook is the AntiChrist!

I've come to the conclusion that the Anti-Christ is not a person at all, but is indeed, social-networking media websites like Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, BGC, Blogger, and what-not. I'm not complaining, because I've used them all upon occasion, but Lawdhavmercy! My soul has been ensnared.

Wherever The Wind Blows

I find myself in a quandry and lost. Anyone who knows me well enough is well aware I have the patience of a turnip! Much to my personal chagrin life has been about trials and tribulations. I can't stand it. Long suffering is so not my thang! Dammit!

Now I could sit here and piss and moan, whine and complain, about all that's gon' on (believe me I do...my heart bleeds in ways I thoughtit couldn't) but I won't. Fussing accomplishes nothing. What I want though, NEED, rather is inspiration and motivation to know my DAYS are coming.

Right now, I'm just not feelin' it.

Thunderstorms

Last night it poured! The skies opened up, the came down, lightening crashed, and thundered rumbled like I haven't seen/heard in sometime.

Now as a child t-storms always the crap outta me. Made me fearful God was coming after me for something wicked I'd done. As an adult I still don't particularly care for storms, but I've learned an appreciation for them. Learned to respect the clearing effect thunderstorms have on the surface.

There's a powerful personal storm brewing my life lately. Seems to be going on since my birthday and those clouds outside are looking more and more omnious. When the big one hits, I hope I have the wherewithal to be an adult an respect the so-called cleanse coming my way and not be afraid I've been punished for misdeeds.

Life is filled with lessons and if we only take the time to examine ourselves carefully, let a little crash, boom, and rain drops fall, the sun is bound to meet us on the other side.

I'm trying to remeber this...

Aftershocks

Yesterday was a real shitty day. Period. I don't want to rehash the details but it was a day just to try my patience and push me to my limits. This morning I've woken up with a knot in my stomach and a heavy, heavy heart. I need to deal with the residual but am not sure how to proceed without making the situation further complication. It's one of those deals where I need to best leave well enough alone, but know who I am, I can't or won't.

I'm going to sleep on things, write it out, then ceremonially burn it so I release it to the Universe to deal with. One thing is for sure, I learned a valuable lesson from one situation. Sometime when someone hurts you, hurts you bad enough, you just need to live with that pain awhile. I had a terrible argument with a friend that I'm mulling over yet this morning. Supposedly we kissed and made up, but my friend really said something hurtful and deep to central issues, I wanna pop them in the mouth for it! Of course, I can't say I'm entirely blameless because I might have antagonized the sitch to a degree. My intent was to make my friend laugh and instead they got frustrated and upset. Words were exchanged. Apologies exchanged. But the jabs and undercurrent still existed. Hm.

The sad thing about it is if I approach or say anything to my friend, it will change the nature of our friendship, which might not be a bad thing. At the same token, I enjoy the status quo. I need to think on this a little more before I proceed. The biggest question is this, God, when and why did I become so damn dramatic? LOL.

I'll deal with this.

I Don't Know About The Flies, But.....

It's humid as fuck and of course I can't sleep. Actually I was dead ass asleep, but one of my friends called and woke me up and now the problem is trying to fall back asleep. Now ain't that a bitch? I won't call out the friend, but when I return the favor, I might have to beat his fine lookin' "booted" ass this weekend! LOL.

It's probably a good thing I'm awake, been meaning to sit down and do a blog post anyway. Too much is rattle around in my head again and I'm suffering from either another midlife crisis or just anxieties over foolishness. I'd made up my mind about an important life decision and just that quick I talked myself out of it. I'm feeling way fucked up again. WAAAAAY fucked up. It's too late at night to go into exorbitant details, but I'm feeling so underwhelmed with myself and with life in general. Actually, Cocoa Rican penned a beautiful blog post yesterday that typified everything I'm experiencing....to the "T." I so wanna step out of life. Mine and never look back. Many personal issues are going on. Too, I feel like ripping certain body parts off my body, namely my heart...the evil and lusty thang that it is! So sick of it and it's wants an needs. There are days I just want to function without feeling, ya know? I'm too grown to be going through any kinda "Jones." Period.

Sigh. When did the clock turn? I mean seriously? I thought for sure I really would have my shit somewhat together by now or starting to. Seems like I keep falling back at square one again and again and again. And if I hear more person criticize me about my recent sojourns to anywhere, I'ma bout to box. I mean really get up in some business. Yes I ran out the door and did some suspect shit lately, did it for reason according my own need, but doesn't everybody? Shit. I think people expect certain things from me and when I go against the grain, it's this horror of horrors that I actually have needs, wants, and desires like everybody else. Um does that make me unscrupulous? No. I'm just a man. I might be a bad homo at times, but fuck...anyway, going down a thought path I rather keep to myself. Ask Wonder Man if you're curious. His hot seat questions was going for all things on my mind at this point and time. Hmph.

N. T. Way.... This feels good. Releasing this shiz. Of course if you knew the whole story, then we really would have something to talk about. Hahahaha. I'm just being silly. My life is as dull as it comes and I'm just an overgrown kid in a rather large adult body, trynna make it through in a world I really, really don't comprehend on most days. Really. There's a favorite quote that a good friend uses that I chuckle at from time to time that is soooooo applicable now, but...best left unsaid.

Disconnect-Reconnect

So yours truly is on the lam again. If only it were true. Hmph. But no, I'm here in Sunny California trying not to get used to West Coast time since I'm only here for a short visit. Noted as my final trip to the City of Angels, I had some business matters to attend to while I was out here. Plus I needed to discover an opportunity, which presented itself in the way I expected. Noted. So now, I prepare to transition myself back to real life and stay there for a few years...

So the big question everyone wants to know is what the hell is up with me, the blogs, and life in general? Simple answer: chaos. But organized chaos. As try as he might, Wonder Man put me in the hot seat last night, but sometimes I know when to be coy. LOL. Tonight might be different because there's the threat of adult beverage. Oh shit. No, this 40 year is gonna be a good boy. I will say this though, I made a few decisions and now it's time to make due on them....

For now, that's all I want to say.

The Sleeping Dragon.

This morning I find myself struggling. I'm not even sure what to key here, just know that my mind is outta sorts and I'm feeling rather disappointed and not so much down, but unfulfilled. There's the big question that I presented to a friend last night which was "What more is there to life?" Isn't there more than what I have and what I am? Therapy has stirred the pot, and I'm grateful, but today will be the penultimate challenge to practice all the little mantras to defeat the negative messages I send to myself on daily basis. I know where the dragon sleeps, I just don't feel like being the brave knight to slay the beast just yet....

Freedoms

It's been a while since I've done any posting to the blogs. I'm taking care of that this morning. Why at the wee hours of the morning I dunno. It's sticky and humid. The rain is falling and I have to be up for work in about two hours. Plan on going back to bed soon enough, but wanted to pen a few thoughts first.

So, if there's anyone who still reads this personal blog journey, thanks. You don't know how many times I've wrestled in the last two months with just deleting the whole thing. My heart really isn't into blogging anymore. I've been going to therapy on a regular basis and truth be told, this go round has been the worst. Oh I'm learning, but this time I got an excellent therapist who isn't pulling any punches and allowing me to duck and dodge my issues. I'm gettign to the nitty gritty with what's broken with me. Unfortunately too much esteem and confidence issues are coming to the surface. I've acting a bit reckless and fool-hearty, but managing to stay on track. I even dealt with some much need unresolved issues with my deceased father. That's a work in progress. Hell, my life feels like an episode of Ruby! (Weight issues and all!)

So, in a few weeks I'm headed back to the West Coast, twice. Once more back to the City of Angels, and a second time to Seattle. Wow. Lord. If anyone told me last year I'd be flying this much in 2010, I'd told them they was lyin'. The LA trip is quasi-business related (no drunken stupors this time) and the Seattle trip is for a work conference. Ugh. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to either trip. Well, kinda LA. I get to see some of my friends out there, but as I said, it's business not a recreational. I'm not complaining though. I escape the confines of my humdrum world if only for six days.

Overall, I'm feeling better than I've had for some time. Therapy has helped, it's just rough. The impossible task is letting go of the things I don't have, and holding on to the things I do. Or should I say as well, letting go of the things I don't need and picking up the things I do. Let's say this again, shall we? Letting go of the things I don't need and pick up the things that I do. So true.

OK, That's enough for now and I'm sleepy. Time for a quick nap before I have to get back up in an hour and a half.

Monday Promises

Can't believe the weekend is over?!?! And er ah, where did you go? What did I do? No really, I had a pretty productive weekend and my Monday is actually shaping up to be pretty productive as well. I hope all your adventures this week are promising.

Hopefully this evening I will have time to sit down and list out the goals I've written out for myself. Time seems to be the one thing I seem to be losing lately rather than gaining. Hmph. Alright peeps. Gotta go to work. I might try to sneak a post in during the day. Until then.

-Ian.

A Process Deserved

In a better effort to get things where I want them, I decided to go back to basics with both the blog and with myself. Over the next few weeks, six to be exact, I'm going to indulge in a little experiment. Lucky you, the readers, get to join in our my adventure as I promise to faithfully blog, the good, the bad, and the not so pretty of what's going.

Hopefully, at the end of these six weeks, I'll see some positive progress and will have a firm foothold on long desired goals. If I had more time this morning I'd list a few, but it's Monday morning and God forbid if I''m late for the Plantation...er, work today. I promise to share more details sometime before the days ends Eastern Standard Time today. Promise bubbes.

Now, go get yourselves back to what you were doing!!!
-Ian

Misaligned

I'm not feeling well this morning and my spirit is out of alignment.

The Analysis Junction

This morning I'm waking up with heavy thought and the day might prove to have some challenges. Oh boy. I'm fighting this shit, but I did go to bed with issues on my mind so I can't say this is totally unexpected. Doesn't help that it's supposed to rain most of the day. Oh, and you do realize Daylight Savings Time is this weekend? We push the clocks ahead. Frak! Hate DST in the Spring.

Coming together, I'm analyzing all the mistakes I've made recently and how I mishandled situations. There's nothing I can do about them now, the past is the past, but how they'll impact my future is what concerns me. Today will be one of those quiet introspective days I suppose. To be honest I'm feeling a tad humiliated and ashamed. Stupid really, but angry at the same time. I'm glad I have the weekend off to decompress. Plan on doing some early spring cleaning and gutting my house of shit I don't need.

So what does the future hold? Coming back from the West Coast gave me a few answers about myself I wasn't expecting. Go read in between the lines on Pharaoh's post on his blog. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park for the boys. I never said I was an easy-going person. Far from it. As confusing and fucked as my blog is, so too am I. Indecisive, lax, crazy, dramatic, and all those other unflattering adjectives are who I am. Hm. Don't think my dear friend was anticipating the reality of it all. Poor man. LOL.

For me to have gotten on an airplane, travel across country by myself, and met a complete stranger took courage I didn't think I had. So I commend myself. No matter how good, or bad the trip turned out to be, that in and of itself what the greatest accomplishment. I'm not going to speak negative on the trip because it wasn't that bad. Was it perfect? No. Put four guys in close proximity for several days your bound to get on each other's nerves. Plus, for as much as Pharaoh blogs about everything in his life and world, as much as he and I have talked on the phone, I never realized how private and territorial he is. That's not a slam. Just a statement of fact. Me? I am what you read here. A loose connection of this and that.... a bundle of unresolved issues. Take it or leave it. I make no apologies. At least not for now. LOL.

Home!

Boys and girls, I am tired. Jet-lagged and trynna drag myself in for a half day of work. Didn't get in until 3 AM this morning and am just now getting outta bed. My body clock is so off. Not sure if I'm on Pacific time, Central (due to my layover in Chicago), or Eastern Standard. Oh yeah, and Day Light Savings Time is this weekend! Rah!

Vegas was interesting. LA was all it promised to be and more. The West Coast was a trip and a half. Made some decent memories.Put into motion new plans, working on new goals, and learned a lil something in the process.

I'll have to give a synopsis later in the week, but all in all, time was well spent...mostly intoxicated, but oh well. That's what celebrations are for, right?

To My Two LA Brothers

Despite having misplaced my glasses, last night the gang and I saw Fantasia is the Color Purple. Kt was a truly awesome performance and I was thoroughly entertained. I must thank Pharaoh for his efforts for making my birthday a memorable occasion and he has gone above and beyond his way to do so. Sure there's been a few rough spots here and there (Tazzt and I tend to bicker A LOT) but overall I'm enjoying myself and opening myself up to wonderful new experiences.

I suppose what's the biggest and most difficult situatioin is coming out oif my shell and relaxing; letting my guard down enough so thay I don't feel intimidated. What inspires me the most witnesses Pharaoh, TazzN and the children at play is the great comfort the take witheach other. The love, openness, and depth in their dealings with one another. The one thing Ui will take awayfrom my visit is I still have much learning to do before I settle down into the kife that Iwant for myself. Hopefully. Someday, it'll just be. But on the eve of my 40th I would like give a heartfelt and loving thanks to two brothers for putting up with me so far. I know I'm not the easiest person to understand or deal with. How I operate often defies explanation eveb to me. As it stands, God didn't see fit to bless me with biological brothers, but He did give me Pharaoh and Tazzy later in life who took up the mantle and have earned that special place in my heart. Like Corey, my BBC, I appreciate those two for the laughs, discussionsn debatesn disagreesn and the love we've shared. To you both, I say thanks for making me for blessed for my birthday vacation.

Love ya guysb
Ian