Sunday, February 10, 2008
Like anyone else, I have my good days and have my bad days. God has blessed me (or perhaps, the Devil has cursed me) to be in touch with my feelings and emotions. I'm not afraid to show them or let them resonate from within. I consider my self damage, yes, yet a work in progress. Perpetually, the dual edged sword.
Each morning, as I paddle off to the bathroom to take care of the daily necessities, toileting, bathing, grooming, I work hard on fortifying my esteem so I can face the world. My life has been difficult, I've had to overcome an adversity or two, but not insurmountable. Through it all, I value love and friendships that support me through the grind moment to moment. Without a firm support base, our foundation, the structure of us, would collapse and decay. Each night, I like to think I give my Higher Power thanks, in some way, for the gift of friendship and love bestowed.
Recently, I had a conversation with a few friends and was astonished to learn one or two my black male accomplices are uncomfortable with my sexuality. Actually, one person didn't surprise me because they're not at ease in their own skin, so why should they be with mine? Now mind you, I'm not judging, but I'm a little suspect of anyone who can't be in touch with themselves. These overly reserved, I never get angry, couldn't possibly cry, it's never my fault but your's types are ticking time bombs. Certainly, there's a difference between living life and existing in life. Simply existing, in my opinion, is bidding your time until your crawl into your grave.
I don't expect everybody to understand where I've been. Don't expect everyone to elate I've come to terms with struggles and conflict, accept my place. I do expect those I am closest to though, be able to share and give freely of their heart and soul. Don't hoard your emotions! If I do,say, or demonstrate something that does not please you, tell me. Don't whisper behind my back and expect me to change, share it...
I don't fault straight men, possibly straight women too, for not understanding homosexuality. People are taught from birth its wrong, evil, a sin. But love and sexuality is more than two people having sex (f*cking). In the end, its really about two people trying to connect with each others hearts and minds. Yeah, I've heard the argument homosexuality is unnatural and perverted, counter productive. Heard folks shout homosexuality is immoral and licentious.
Yeah? What about you're own heterosexual behaviors? Getting drunk, nailing every woman from here to California, having tons of babies you don't support, ain't immoral?
Some aspects of sexual behavior are equally destructive, gay or straight! Just because you fear being less than a man, automatically makes me less than a man? Not so! I'm human. I breathe, I feel, I want, I desire, I need. Aren't those the same things you feel? Oh I forgot, you don't feel. Guess those balls got in the way of your brain.
Please tell me, why it is more acceptable to watch two women make out than it is two men? Hmm? Why the double standard? Again, you can't feel. Can't touch the tender spot within. Are you that insecure in your masculinity that the act of two men enjoying and sharing castrates you? Really now?!? C'mon! Get with the mother-flippin' program! We all have things we don't like, sure, but get mature already! A real man, gay or straight, loves and accepts people from all walks of life. Accepting homosexuality, being comfortable with someone else's, does not mandate you are one!
OK, blew that up a bit. I'm not angry, not directing this to anyone person in particular, I just tire hearing the argument, especially from straight black men. Looking back, it's the reason I fled from my community as fast as I could as a child. My diaspora though, punishes me as an adult, because I've missed out on camaraderie and solid companionship from my black peers. Made foolish choices because I was afraid of being abused, both physically and emotionally, from the hands of straight black men.
My relationships with straight black men are terse and on edge, even with so-called gay accepting ones. Even E.J. and I don't see eye to eye on things. He can laugh and joke about things, but I had to read him one day about the whole "it's a preference thing." What the fuck! Do you honestly think I'd chose a lifestyle that ostracizes me from everything familiar? Oh pray tell, how much I adore being a social pariah, as I've felt in my life experience? I've never felt like I fitted in, was accepted. Above all else, E.J. should understand that! He knows what I'm talking about (private matter)...I'm not mad at E.J. either. I long ago accepted his limitations on what I can and can't express to him. I hid my sexuality for a long time from him for that reason.
It wasn't until a mutual acquaintance of ours outed me, that I came clean to E.J. (Yes, E.J. I know about that whole conversation. There's very little I allow get by me, that involves me.) He shuts down when he feels ill-at-ease with subjects he can't fathom, can't handle. I love him, though, like brother and defy anyone who tries to hurt him. I'd kick anyone's ass if they tried to fuck with him, including his bitch ex-wife (someone I wouldn't dare tangle with on a good day!). Naw, he's my brother and he's been there through some tough shit in my life. We don't need to speak about it, it's just one of those understood deals. Doesn't everyone have a friend like that? I have the pleasure, the Grace really, to say I've several...
My whole point here, is when will we be able to live and let live? When will we see an interracial couple, a gay couple, a lesbian couple, a whatevah couple, and not give a second glance or thought? When will SGL/LGBT persons of color find love and celebration from the greater AA community? Embraced and loved without a moment's hesitation? When will we all learn to recognize we each have our purpose in life, and allow it? Huh? When???
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.