Saturday, June 20, 2009

the fat lady (man really) is about to sing...

no pretty pictures tonight. no capitalization. hell maybe even no proofreading. today has sucked, pure and simple. i'm still reeling from my embarrassing moment from earlier and not happy with myself. i'm perfectly mortified and really wanna crawl in a hole and the earth plowed over me. one thing is clear, i'm soooo done with any attempting to get the things i want. so if they're meant to be, somebody else will have to hand them to me on a silver platter, and we all know the chances of that happening. i really do grow weary of struggling and failing.

grumpy? yes i am. disappointed? you know it! ashamed? to the core. i don't know how i can bring myself to speak to the guy again because i feel like such an asshole. and i was thinking we were on the same wavelength...shah. fucking idiot i am. i told ya, bad homo. bad homo am i.

i officially resign and am giving up. well maybe not, but its what i'm feeling currently. tired. tired. and more fucking tired of jumping through hoops looking for what everyone else has, stupid companionship. finding a mate sucks!


Jimmy said...

Just checking in on you and knowing that things will get better. My motto has always been to ask, "How will this matter to me in five years?" Usually it won't. It's rough in the moment, but the future is always bright!

Langston Baldwin said...

Been there too Bro. Puttin myself all out there to get rejected can play on your esteem and vision. I am learning to be oblivious of guys around me and to stop pushing so hard without giving up my ultimate goal.

I keep falling on the same message while blogging and that is to let that guy find me. I am always the one to force a hand that may not be for me.

Let the guys see your shine.

David Dust said...

Hang in there and know you have support and love out here in the blogosphere.


MacDaddy said...

When many of us here people speak honestly about these raw feelings, we say, "I've been there." But the truth is that many of us have been there many times. It's not like you have one moment, or a few moments, of feeling tired and wanting to give up. Life is a series of starting over at specific moments in time for all of us. So, to make you feel good and to make myself feel superior, I'm not saying "I've been there." I'm saying "I've been there and no doubt will be there again."

The one thing that helped me is stubbornness. I just stubborn enough, or crazy enough, to say "I'm not going to let these bastards win! I'm not going to fail my brave father {strong union man}. I'm going to try one more time and give it all I've got...And I'm going to piss off some of my so-called friends by making my way back to the top."
Blessings, my brotha. I got you linked.
Blessings, my brotha.

Ray Avito said...

I'm gonna put my neck out here and say finding a mate is not all that important. I'm very happy being single and really don't feel any need to couple.

thegayte-keeper said...

Yes it sucks, but you have to stop looking for a mate...he's there you just have to let him come to you...


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