Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Do you ever feel like you're having a "two steps forward, three steps back" kinda life? I am this week. I'm carefully choosing my words because I feel vulnerable tonight, already dropped my guard, and got hurt enough over it, so I'm gonna be on reserved mode for a while.
You want complete honesty? I'm afraid you might not like my words if I let every heart-wrenching thought spill out on to the computer these days. Transparency is too easy. I mean, developing a tougher skin wouldn't hurt, but then I lose everything that makes me, me.
I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. Boxed in. Frustrated. Nobody can change these things I unless I make the effort, yet no matter how much of an ambition I give, I feel the fight get harder to maintain each day. I'm really disappointed in how life developed. I grew up way too fast; can't believe I'm almost 40! So much unresolved.
A few months ago I was pondering about the person that I am as opposed the person I want to be. Thoughts and prayer can move mountains. Yeah, as if I could click my heels that easily and be the hell back in Kansas! My life doesn't work that way.
What's triggered all this? A variety of factors. Judgment from others (stated or implied, its all the same). Souring relationships. Dying and stagnant friendships. Ex-loves. Unobtainable goals. Lack of having what I want in life. Lack of being who I wanted to be. Rejection, rejection, rejection...Used to believe I could connect, change the world, be a source of influence, and find my own Oz. Hasn't happened. Yeah, definitely need a thicker skin. In this world, it really is a matter of fuck over or be fucked over.
Dead silence is the coldest, harshest, treatment, fanning the flames of voices heard decades ago, repeating negative themes....
Too many old, old issues of how life used to be when I was small child are coming back. Too much of feeling, yet again, being the outcast, isolated, unwanted, and undeserving, standing alone on the sidelines while the rest of the children merrily play.
Picture your most alone moment, your most vulnerable place, when comfort in you peers mattered most. Is it too much to ask? For acceptance? Do we ultimately, no matter how old we get, stand alone. Do the opinions of others, after all, really do matter, despite what we say to ourselves? Of course they do! Who was it who said "No man is an island?"
Don't look at me and judge me without knowing my trials, my tribulations. I'm am more than my body, more than my mind, more than these words typed on a blog. Do you perceive me lesser of a person, by your standards, because I don't fit your ideal, your expectations on how I should, walk, talk, dress, act? Am I your "Traitor?" Are my sins unforgivable simply because I acknowledge my heart? Because I see the world through many perspectives?
Loneliness is very piercing. What more is there to say? A dark place, I am in. Wandering, searching, for my own Promised Land, my own Jerusalem.
Sorry, my confidence isn't the greatest right now. There's raw emotion behind these words and I don't know if the meaning is being conveyed. In part, I hope it all reads like gibberish. I could tap into the pain, explain what ignited this further, but what purpose would that serve. Answers come to us all the time, you just need to recognize them.
Hopefully some kindness will fall my way. Till then, I'll muddle through like I've done for decades. Resiliency is my best feature after all.
While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.