Monday, September 15, 2008

I Really Am Not Sure


Decided to display some raw emotion I'm going through tonight and publish an edited email I recently sent to a buddy. Normally, I wouldn't share my correspondence, seems a little disrespectful. Yet the following snippet been simmering on the back burner and I figure I might as well come clean with on The Axe.

Don't blast me outta water on this. I'm just feelin' my way through. I got mixed emotions over Arturo and where things could go. There's still unresolved business with Napoleon, our nasty friendship-ending break up, and all the ensuing drama he put me through. Plus, I put myself back on the celibacy wagon, and wouldn't you know there's an unattainable individual (not Artie) in my life who's makin' me horny as Hell.

The search for real sustenance in world that offers only fast-food relationships is not an easy one. This is the place where I'm at tonight. It's not a morose or maudlin place, just a quixotic one.
"I'm OK, I suppose.. been feelin' out of the game for a few days, but I'm fakin' it until I make it, you know? Loneliness is a real bitch. When I asked you that stuff the other week about D****, I was curious if you felt real love or if it was just love Jones through the dick. To be honest, the more I question it, I don't think a sustaining love between two men is possible. Flings are all that we truly can have. Men are too disloyal or not willing to invest in one another emotionally. I'm not talkin' masculine or feminine roles, just I don't think we're designed or adept to be that real with one another like we are with the sistas. Love can be between a man and a woman, or between two women, but with us? Men {seem to be true respect, honesty, commitment and} wanna mark their place and be the Alpha male. Even fem guys want to be the "Queen Bee" so to speak.
Nah, you don't wanna know what's up, cause unfortunately it involves a tiny bit a drama (and I feel ya on the whole drama thing, it ain't worth it!) Just at a crossroads where I want to drink and eat at the same source... have my good sexin' and lovin' from the same person...

Is that possible?"

4 comments:

nudeindc said...

Yes, it is definitely possible. You and your friend stay strong.

Corey said...

YES! It's possible. It's Possible. IT'S POSSIBLE ! ! !

Cocoa Rican said...

It's only possible when we insist that it is. ;)

ToddyEnglish said...

Yes, I believe it is completely possible. It all comes down to mature men checking their egos at the door and opening their hearts to the possibility of love.
That is the only thing I dislike about "gay culture." I've actually discussed this. We are always taught that men are supposed to be hunters and base everything on the chase and aquisition...
Well, not all men are like that. Some men (like myself)want love, romance, and monogamy (along with great sex).
Some people gripe about the whole "alpha male" paradigm...While they reject men that aren't alphas left and right (i.e. all the dating profiles stating...Masculine Man seeking same...lol).

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