Letting Go Of The Old Year

2011 hasn't been a bad year. It's been overall a learning year and I'm proud to say I'm coming away from the last 3-6-5 with more insight and knowledge. There were times I felt like giving up, but perhaps my greatest testimony will be the resiliency gained. Sure I'm closing the old, starting the new, single, but it could be worse. LOL.

I'm looking forward to the challenges 2012 will bring and I hope to tackle many of my so-called failures from this year... lack of trust, vocational aspirations, weight loss, etc... and make those successes! Yep. 2012 is the year I take back.

Those Moments That Make U Smile

Every now and again, someone in my life will do something that catches me completely off-guard and just makes me smile. Makes you feel appreciated and loved. Such a thing happened today with a close associate, who shall remain anonymous, and I have to break out just wonderful, sincere, smile. I am blessed. Thank you...

In Love & Hope,
-Ian

The Door Has Always Been...Well, Open.

I suppose I shouldn't let National Coming Out Day go by with out addressing a lil something on the topic. Really, for yours truly, I don't suppose there has been any special day I officially came out, I just have been.

Coming into acceptance has been the most interesting journey. I have my good days; I have my bad. I guess everything got especially interesting after I got divorced and declared myself free from the monotony of the life I had been living. My ex-wife knew. I was doing the bi thang at the time, but I guess for me, it was inevitable I would end up where I am now.

My divorce was almost ten years ago now. Since then, well life has been interesting. It has been easy because oft I feel like the proverbial fish out of water, but I also realize I make my own life so complicated. Huh. Silly middle-aged man that I am. LOL. But I'm glad for what has come and experiences. The heartache, the joy, and friends made... yes. I will say it is worth it.

I think if memory does serve me right, the first time I acknowledged my sexuality to someone was in seventh grade to this geeky little white dude. To say it was a mistake would be wrong, it just put me on a path that looking back, I find amusing. A few years went by before opened myself up again and started telling friends in college. I've always been a lil "off," so I would expect most folk figured out the real deal. Mind you, I was sexually abused, so life was filled with complexities and stupid delusions. I realize too I had some resources at my disposal I chose not to use that COULD have made life so much simpler, but because I was too ignorant, too caught up with what someone would think, I never utilized the gifts in front of me to their full potential.

Twenty years later, I do give blessing and praises to friends, family, and "family" that were so patience with this crazy man until I got my act together. My ex-wife is my best friend and is my strongest ally. To say that I wouldn't have made it this far without her is a huge understatement. So something productive did come out our marriage...I'm still on the road to discovery. I often chide myself that I make a horrible gay man, but at least I'm trying to live my truth. It's definitely better than living a lie. Amen.

In Love & Hope,
-Ian

Work Ethics

I haven't sat down and written a long post in a while. Really haven't had much to discuss. Personally I'm blaming on this extended "I don't wanna go away" Winter. Even though its officially Spring, the season has been chilly, damp, and downright dreary. There have been a couple days in the 70s...encouraging enough to lift and motivate the spirit, but over all I am so ready for Spring so I can get crackin' on my goals.

Work has been frustrating me. I also have my side business project which is challenging me to step outside of my normal comfort zone, step outside of my normal timid self, and man up with life ways I never anticipated. Its kinda funny how the picture is starting to be revealed with the players in my life now, but that's a story for another post. The main thing is no matter how tired I am, how over worked I feel, I'm not giving up. I have a long, long, loooooooong journey ahead of me, but in the end, it'll pay off. The reward will be not the destination, but the adventure in-between.

I'm learning more about myself in the first few months of 2011 then I have in the past umpteen years of therapy. Ha! Who says work ain't good for the soul every now and then?

Fly Above Negativity

So what's crackin'? Praise the Heavens! I'm back on my laptop. For the past few days I've been using my Blackberry to write blog posts because I was too cheap to pay for wireless in my hotel room. For the remainder of my trip I'll be visiting with locals here in Vegas/LA so I can use their wi-fi service.

I really don't feel like leaving Tuesday, dammit. Why is it once I get to Pacific time its always time to return home???

So ole Ian been going through it the last few days. Feelin' a bit inadequate not only in the circle of his peers, but in the glory (or the lack their of) life. Something is missing, again. For awhile I thought I'd found it. I was riding momentum but now that's gone the empty space leaves me wanting. Sometimes it's hard when your less than stellar in a crowd of folk who fly. I haven't felt loved, which is strange here cause you're constantly surrounded by people. There's been several faux paxs, humiliation to the Nth degree. A friend, (actually, the gentleman in the picture to the left. Mama always said give credit where credit is due. Buy Jamal's book while you're at it! ) recommended owning the situation, then moving on. Old habits die hard. But I'm making the effort...

I could use a good shoulder to cry on, but I refuse. For once, maybe not once OK, I'm going to pull it together and try. Use all the tools and resources I know are at my disposal, attempt to make the best of what I have. Hey, for what he's worth, Pharaoh is across the room. He's jammin' out to some music, but he's always willin' to listen when I need his ear. His brotherly love is enough to tell my crazy ass the truth, unlike other people I often surround myself, so best align myself with the truth, the fabulous, and the Divine. Yes, I'm leaving, but I'll be back. This is my resolve. And when I'll be back, I'll be a stronger brutha...

Personal Matra

Blessed by the Creator, Eternal Father God, who gives me strength. I'm filled with Love, Grace, and Pride. Some days I'm a lil crazy, but NEVAH a bore! My inner child has run amok to reconcile past with present, so I can comprehend future...

Kismet, Part II

Being with my folks turned out to be more than I bargained for. I've been reduced to being a child again and I'm not sure how to handle the scrutiny.... Can't smoke, can't get and do the things I want. Can't eat, and you know, I'm a big boy, so don't be withholding my effing food!!!! LOL.

While its all very frustrating, good things have come about. I'm getting more in touch with myself being confronted by unresolved childhood drama. Would I rather things be more copacetic and peaceful? Of course, stupid question Ian. But change equals growth, and I've been stuck in my rut for far too long now. I need to walk. Done crawling.

The aggravation grew and mounted all weekend, the pot came to a boiling point last night and there was a slight blow out. I respectfully, maintained my calm, but I almost blurted out what needed to be said. Tension mounting, who know what will transpire within the next 24-hours? Your boy can't live in fear, which is a direct point made in the book Peaks and Valleys. Plus, last night I had the opportunity to speak with one of the new co-bloggers for MALE, Mychaeltodd Robinson, and he gave me a little pride in myself, a little more courage, a lil dignity where there was none. That and I've taken away a great deal from reading Peaks and Valleys. Time to put into practice what I've learned.

Hmph...we'll see how this all plays out. I'll probably will be doing plenty writing today, so check back periodically if you're interested in this saga.

Ian's Query: Could you go home and live with your parents again as an adult?

Seeing My Valley As A Peak

So what's been on my reading syllabus since coming home? Well, I'm struggling through E. Lynn Harris' Basketball Jones, half ass reading Iyanla Vanzant's Up From Here, and rereading Diana Gabaldon's Outlander. Oh yeah, and less I forget, also Brother Hill Harper's Letter to a Young Brother, which some could argue, I'm neither young nor a "brutha," since I'm almost 40 and peeps here in the old neighborhood think I long ago crossed the color line, never to return. My Blackness, or lack thereof, is a matter of interpretation depending on my associates at the time...Why black people gotta be so judgmental?!?!

I digress. Back to my literary adventures. Now, I wonder? Am I an oddball or what, but I have an uncanny tendency to read books backwards. I"ll truck along for so long, reading from the beginning, then I'll skip to the last chapter and find out the ending. After doing so, Ian reads the middle parts. I've never been one for suspense. Boy's gotta know the details NOW! Am I the only one that does this??? Perhaps that's why I'm having trouble reading Basketball Jones, I already now the ending (I won't spoil it if you haven't read it). Suffice to say, Jones is my least favorite of E. Lynn's books.

For a l'il bit of inspiration and motivation, I picked up Hill and Iyanla's jawns because I knew returning to the homestead would be an emotional challenge. The physical part, while taxing, has been the easy part. Dealing with my folks and the peeps from the old 'hood, has been the hardest part...Last Saturday night, the next door neighbors were smoking herb in their backyard, (you could smell the shit all around the block) That, and smoking cigarettes, and drinking alcohol. Umm, OK, I was unprepared for my own cravings for weed, nicotine, and alcohol would kick in with a vengeance. Old habits die hard. I haven't lit up a joint since I was, well...a considerable time ago... Not within the last five years! I don' judge people on smokin' weed. Too many do; that ain't my thang. Now, for your highly more destructive and addictive drugs, I do have a problem and will lecture you.

The agony! Last night I commented to Brother New York (Cocoa Rican) I've been sorely tempted for a cigarette since Saturday. Of course, I'm forbidden to leave the house under the "household convalescence rules," but you know I could charm my dear sweet younger sister to go grab me a pack. Wouldn't be nothing for me to sneak out in the back and light up in the dead of night. My folks, the warden and security guards, sleep like rocks. B.ut I'm hanging on in there. It's been a little over a month, whic is to be commended, and I will have my temptation. Boy will I! The power of suggestion is a cruel seductress... I have to remember to take it one moment at a time.

Hill and Iyanla were supposed to carry me through this tumultuous time. Unfortunately, neither author's works are holding my interest. Maybe I'm not just in the right frame of mind to handle Iyanla? And Hill is a good brother, but once I start reading him, inevitably, the comparison comes along as to why my life sucks so bad and his has reached stellar heights. Brother Harper seems to have obtained it all...sexy, talented, good writer, lawyer, friend of Barrack Obama (FOBO) . What I got? Two cats and a pocket full of lint!!! LOL.

Aw, don't listen to my negativity. Troubling me most is remaining here in my parents' home and being confronted with the demons from the past, living up to parental scrutiny, and attempting to be my own man, while relying on them for assistance. Issues. The first thing I'm doing once I get back up on my feet, literally, is going back to therapy. Happiness and I have had a strange relationship ever since I was knee high to the grapevine. I'm not sure why maintaining happiness has been a challenge, but I'm hoping to change my attitude, thereby, changing how I view happiness.

A relative purchased a copy of Peaks and Valleys by Spencer Johnson, the same author who wrote Who Moved My Cheese?. So far the book has been an easy read and actually inspiring. It's all a matter of changing one's outlook to change perspective, seeing your valleys as peaks, and vice versa. It's helping to an extent, and I'm grateful the seed is being planted. With perseverance, hopeful by summertime, I'll be in a much better place.

Ian's Inquiry: What book or books has/have inspired you to challenge yourself?

Shh, but thanks Taylor & Darius...

Note: copycat post from Chocolate and Salsa. Pardon the lack of originality. So the blog isn't ending, but I am taking a break for a few days. I'm just tired...and overwhelmed!

Now, I'm gonna break the rules here, but Taylor's blog, SGL Cafe, is one of my favorite blogs! EVAH. Oh, I have tons of favorites really, and I try not to go on and on on some less I hurt somebody's feelins by not mentioning them...but Taylor just wrote something really awesome comment. Believe me, I was touched.

Anyhoo, I haven't been postin much on any of the three blogs. I'm going through my changes...again. Ain't I moody sum'bitch? LOL. Whenever I get my boxers outta snit, I'll be back. For now, here's a shout out to Taylor. Got these from his Flickr page awhile ago...when you get the chance, meander over to SGL Cafe.

While I'm at it too, lemme give a proper thanks to Darius T for make me feel included! Your comment this morning was also appreciated! You know I love your blogs too, so, not playin' too much favoritism. Check out both of Darius T's blogs here and here! Bring some munchies, cause his Everyday Cookin spot is definitely gonna make you huuuuuuuungry! For food that is, get your mind out the gutter! LOL.

For now, here's splendid photos from Taylor that caught my eye....

All photography courtesy of and copyrighted by Taylor Siluwé.