Friday, October 10, 2008

Questionable Lust

Been a while since I've put anything of substance on the blog pertaining to my gay journey, so I'm endeavoring to do so now. Been feelin' "thangs," naughty, questionable things, while pondering the state of my so-called gay life. It's damn stagnant, dull, and pathetic, but at least I have my moments. I chastised myself when things went sour with Arturo. I'm not certain what happened. One moment we were talking, meeting up occasionally, the next he was gone. Haven't heard from him in 2 weeks.

The lack of communication had me pissed off, then weary, sad, and emotional. Had an emotional meltdown last week wondering what went wrong. I went into self-pity mood. What did I do? Things had been progressing nicely...then boom. Nothing! No goodbye, no "it's not you, it's me," no I'm just not feelin' you...just nothin'! I fuckin' hate when there's no closure! Thoughts lead to my last relationship, the disastrous, nightmarish, and dysfunctional relationship with Napoleon. Am I just a magnet for bad relationships?!?! But I need remind myself, Napoleon was a situation I brought upon myself.

Naps was dating Linus when I stepped in and usurped his affections. I can't blame anyone but dear, sweet, selfish Ian for that foolishness. But with Arturo? I tried to do right by him and me. Despite temptation, I didn't sleep with Arturo, tried a better approach; wanted to build a solid foundation on somethin' else besides dirty deeds. Embarrassingly enough, I'll admit I introduce sex into the equation way sooner than I should with most of my love sojourns. Yeah, I have issues. LOL...

As quickly as Arturo has become a memory, someone else in the interim is distracting me from the isolation of loneliness; helping life seem more tolerable. Gemini. Ah, Gemini. "Aw Ian, no,!" you say? Yeah, it's a bit much on the hormonal sleazy homo side, but refer to the first paragraph with regards to where my life is at the moment (stagnant, dull, and pathetic).

I've briefly mentioned Gemini here and there before, but never in any great detail. In case you've forgotten Gemini, he's one of my physical therapists helping me with my rehabilitation (Maxwell is the other Physical Therapist. Depending on the day of the week, I see Gem or Max). With Arturo around, I thought it a tad disrespectful openly lusting over another man. A straight man at that! Now that the Arturo deal has fizzled, the flood gates are open, and layout my lusty heart I do...

Without dragging this out, I've fallen for the guy hook, line, and sinker. Problem is he's straight. Now I usually don't fall for straight guys. In fact, I tend to steer clear of straight men altogether. I'm not entirely comfortable around them. Straight guys, especially straight Black men, take me to a vulnerable place where my safety issues are always on the defensive. (It goes back to my childhood. Don't chastise, I'm only being honest.) That line of thinking may be wrong, but it's a defense mechanism, I'm working on it.

I've committed the classic "no-no" and developed an unhealthy case of "transference" on Gemini. Transference usually occurs in psychological therapy situations, but can happen when anyone is taking care of your health, whether it be physical, mental, or spiritual. The more I think about it though, it really isn't a crush or love, or any mistaken bullshit like that. Perhaps its more an envious position I have on him, which in turn, has turned my world a little on it's ear.

Unfortunately, I still have plenty issues to reconcile from childhood, the big three revolving around racial identity, sexuality, and masculinity. Seeing this man, Gemini, on a daily basis up close and personal, well, for the first time in a long time, I actually felt ashamed for being who I am, being a gay man with wavering masculine tendencies. I've never felt entirely secure in myself, but like the old adage goes, "I fake it till I make it." I always try to hold my head up with pride and reinforce positive "I" statements I learned through years of counseling and psychoanalysis. Gemini has torn through a little gap in my armor and I'm left feeling confused, psychologically naked, and vulnerable; definitely back at a place where acceptance was questionable at best.

You might be asking what's so special about him. Why Gemini and not Maxwell? Well, Maxwell is a 'mo, but he's in a long lasting committed situation. Plus, I don't feel that attractive pull towards him like I do for Gemini. Maxwell is a riot though. I'm sure after this professional relationship, we'll be able to associate on a personal friendship (technically, I'm a client so associating outside of the clinic would be taboo). Gemini, however, pulls me like an apple to the ground, the attraction is gravity baby! Only natural.

I'm terrible with description, but I'll do my best to describe him. Gemini is a beautiful reddish-beige complected man with freckles... sexy-ass beauty marks that are all over his face and ears (I suspect there's some interracial heritage going on, but haven't asked). He's built, and I mean built, like a little brick shit-house! He isn't too terribly tall, about my height (5'9" or so), and has the sexiest hazel eyes I've ever had the pleasure of looking into. Then there's that calm, cool air of masculinity. It's not an over exaggerated machismo or thuggishness, but a suave Lothario style. (Think somewhere between Tyrese, Idris, or Djimon).

There's more than envy going on, heated lust is more like it, because I've had a chance to peek at his stomach (he actulaly lifted his shirt one day to show off his nice six-pack, something I lack)! If he hadn't guessed I was before, he knew then I'm queer. Plus Gemini has the most perfect ass...(he's a boxer briefs man in case you're wondering. Every now and again I catch the waistband peeking above those scrubs or scope for the VUL...visible underwear lines) not quite a bubble butt, but great curve and shape. Very toned! Quarters will definitely bounce! I love watchin' him strut across the room, but mind you again, it's not a cocky walk, "like I own this muthafucka"... no, it's just smooooove. Feel me?

But there something more than his looks going on. Gemini is actually nice to me. I mean damn friendly. It's not in a flirtatious, licentious way, but compassionate, like he'd care about even if he weren't getting paidI don't mean to sound surprised by this, but I guess given the pain I've experienced at the hands of some not-so-nice straight-brothers out there, well yeah, I'm taken aback. While I've never stated my sexual orentation (Why is it necessary? He didn't need to state his?) he must have little doubt to which way my dick points in the morning. I guess I'm just too used to being in negative environments with straight Black men. I've encountered more than enough homophobes in my 38 years. I think what also helps fuel the struggle is Gemini is from my hometown, Philly, which does take me back to the harsh reality of my youth. It's wrong, but years of angst, abuse, and stereotyping don't get erased easily.

Regardless of my fears of straight brothas, a part of me recognizes my envy. In a comparison with Gemini,I feel less than adequate in his eyes. I'm waiting for the scorn and revulsion to come. But I can't get over how drawn to him I feel. Perhaps it's because he's the unattainable, "safe" man who won't hurt me? Or maybe because I feel guilty for who I'm not? I'm not sure. Not sure I really wanna know the answers....

So that's where I'm at. Feel free to throw your input in. I'm curious to see how you guys analyze this. Mohammad? Heinz? Haven't heard from you in a while...I know you got lots to say. "Real"...keep it real with me, but send your comments through email.

As always...
"That's my story and I'm sticking to it!"

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While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.

President Barack Obama!