Tuesday, March 24, 2009

If I Were...At This Moment..The Impossible Dream

With my nose outta joint, I gotta post personal, pertinent post. A good friend has gotten underneath my skin y'all. Not in a bad way, but definitely in a way that's brought shame and self-loathing issues bubbling from the depths. Now my friend has a knack of getting me to confront matters I should be dealing with. I love and respect him for it, but there are days I wanna wring his neck. Said friend is succinct and always to the point. He doesn't pull punches, he's just real.

Setting up the situation, this afternoon we were engaging in our typical rousing debates. We crossed into discussion on masculinity and men seeking love from other men. For my friend, Mr. Good-Stuff, it's only about the conquest; getting in the boxer shorts, tagging ass, then moving on. Nothing more, nothing less. At the heart of the matter, Mr. Good Stuff honestly doesn't believe men can love each other like men who love women.

To his credit, I don't fault Mr. Good Stuff for his opinion. There far too many gay, bi-, and down low brothers with the same conviction. It's disheartening though when you hear the sentiment coming from a trusted friend. Again, Mr. Good Stuff pulls no punches. I don't agree with him. Sure sometimes sex is just about throes of passion, but doesn't invalidate love between two men. Holding the attitude men seeking love from one another are just experiencing "female tendencies" is rather insulting. When my friend expressed his thoughts, it cut like a dull blade through my soul. What's so wrong with men wanting comfort, soft tenderness, hugs, from one another? There's nothing is wrong with us.

What sticks in my crawl, the prevailing attitude that men who love each are lesser than real men, it's a sad statement on our gender. Restricting the love experience only to men who love women, what does that say about the rest of us wanting something different? I asked my friend how he felt about this. Did he feel men are incapable of experiencing anything more between each other? Basically, for him, no.

Curious too, is I came away from our conversation that Mr. Good Stuff really didn't have that esteemed feeling for women, that it's done simply because "that's cause that's what they need" struck me as odd. This steered us into a new direction in discussion. What is it truly men should feel emotionally? Aren't we capable of experiencing the gammit of emotion? Or is only about the 3 F's (fighting, fleeing, and fucking)? Did he honestly believe men are devoid of nurture and caring? Was he reinforcing the notion that homosexuality is just about lust and is therefore an abomination in the eyes of God?

Answers...I didn't a clear answer on the first question. Though he explained that for him, as a down low, bisexual brother, it's only about the "nut." Love is between a man and a woman for him. I can only speculate about his love life with women, because being honest, I done have positive things to say about DL bruhs. Won't get into it, but it's the classic example of trying to have it all. Eventually, something has to give.

Second answer was much more clearer, yes. Sexual behavior between two men is an abomination before God in his opinion. At this point, since we're both God-fearing believing brothers, we left the conversation alone. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but I coulda let loose with a barrage of opinion on that tired replayed classic Christian guilt. The belief that homosexuality is a greater sin than anything else has never washed with me. It's not. But that's not subject for debate right. I'll save it for a follow up post.

Query? Is a man's only passion sex? Hell no, that would naive and immature to believe. We are capable of loving one another like women and children. We're trapped in some vicious cycle locked in animal instinct. We have rational, higher processing brains dammit.

In part, Good Stuff's argument would support the ideal that we are not...that the only thing a man can do is wield his penis, then move on, taking care of only himself alone. Love, as was implied, was a "female thing." So what other emotion is relegated for us? Anger, pride, lust, and greed?

Then the true cutting moment was reached, the surefire implication men who feel love for one another are less than real men, something less perhaps than a woman.

Ouch! I got my feeling hurt there. Maybe I'm too tenderhearted, wearing my heart on my sleeve. But this chink in my personal armor has always been there since I was child, through adolescence, and on into adulthood.

To be sure, I'm generally accepting of the things I am not, but this issue strikes deep to the core. At 39, I'm still finding myself and I hate it. At this stage of the game, I want confort and security. I'm more than little irritated with not putting to rest the debacle over my masculinity and occasional, more often than not, feminine perceived nature. Real tapped into demons I've heard my entire life. And Goddammit, I'm still struggling with it to the best of my ability, and failing.

See, I had a very mean ignorant, sonuvabitch second cousin who took every opportunity to let me know how felt about "faggots." Constantly he called me punk," "bitch," "queer bitch," what have you, and kept shoving down my throat "All you need is some good pussy to straighten your ass out." Well, Gregory is dead now, but his words haunt me still. And somebody tell me why is it straight men, or more masculine acting straight bruthas are so afraid/vengenful toward lesser masculine men? I admit I've my own prejuidices, even as finger snapping and snarky as I wanna be. But I make excuses for my own behavior. I'm just clowning, just being silly. But am I really? Am really just a big ole queen, that everybody in Creation knows about, but me? Am I living in complete and utter denial.
Answer: no. Not really. I know how I act and talk sometimes conveys a feminine attitude. But to my credit, I'm not switchin down the street or doing the stereotypical behavior all the time. Most of the time I'm just myself. Free and cavalier. Not necessarily butch, no screaming queen either. And so what if I was. What's the big deal?

The stigma. That's the big deal.

It'd be one thing if femme brothers got shit from the straight community and could come home to the embrace of our gay brothers, but you know there's more than enough straight acting brothers who won't come near you with a 10 foot pole if you a little fey. Please, don't deny it. Maybe it's my own experience, but folk are always look for "straight acting." I can pull it off for so long, especially if I keep my mouth shut, or thrust enough baritone in my voice, but get me animated and the voices tends to pitch high, the "bitches" and "gurrrls" start to role off the tongue. Again, I know, self-imposed demons.

Just when I think I got this whole man thing worked out...

In truth, I don't terrific at being a man. Gay, black, or otherwise. I do my best, but there's loathing in the works simply because I don't measure up to a standard other men are meeting. Sometimes to soft and tender, sometimes lacking that killa instinct men are supposed to possess, I've been know to find comfort in others who attribute the qualities I lack. Yeah, I'm too hard on myself, but with respect to the hand I was dealt early in life, it's understandable.

There are days when I wish I could have the devil may care attitude, give little thought to purpose and just go out without emotional restraint and just run amok.

It's a darkness. And it's scary, always viewing yourself as being less than someone else. I mean's it irrational, but throughout my entire life there's been peeps in my corner forver and a day telling I wasn't good enough as a man. The taunts going back to childhood. The perception from folk at work, church, other arenas, well it's hard not to take those thought to heart after awhile.

No comments:


While this blog is not really intended to show adult content, I can't guarantee that an occasional image of male nudity won't appear. Be advised that this blog is intended to be read by people with an open mind. I don't claim any rights to the images nor do I have any knowledge of the sexuality of persons featured (unless they are openly gay...duh). Enjoy yourself and take a small step in my every day life and pondering... Feel free to email any comments or opinions.

President Barack Obama!