Final Words Of 2009

As the last few hours of the first decade of the new millennium are winding down, lemme just say a huge thank you to all of you out there, reader and contributor alike.

2009 saw many ups, and a few downs, but we made it through. The calendar is about to flip and I'm sure plenty of us are thinking about new goals and resolutions we'll attempt to accomplish in the coming 3-6-5.

To this I say, do your thang and do it riiiiight!

Personally, I've set aside a few tasks for myself... one is to quit smoking sometime before my birthday... among other bad habits I need to improve upon. Speaking with one of my life coaches this afternoon, he encouraged me to "stop worrying about whatever is on my mind, that there was no reason for, and go ahead and just be {me}."

So that is the advice I'm passing on. "Just be you, and do the damn thing!" Whatever you set your mind to this coming year, work on it and don't let anything, or anyone, derail you from your ambition. Stand firm.

Now, I'm gon' need y'all to remind me of those words in a few weeks when 'Mr. Grumbly-Pants' comes out and starts carrying on like I know I do. Hahahaha.

So, I wish you the very best for the night and the coming days. Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve...and in the words of my favorite television personality, Neicy Nash, "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful! Mmmmnh!"

Happy 2010!
-Ian

No Mo Damn Excuses...

Baby boys and girls, the time has come and it has started now. Got on the not so-friendly scale the other day and it groaned. Bitch! Um, yeah I knew I was closely creeping up to look like Fat Albert's twin, but didn't think the numbers were topping as quickly as they had. Hm.

Now, I can think of plenty excuses as to why the weight has collected around my middle, but in the end they're all tired lame-ass excuses. Yo Ian! You big sloppy fatso, you ain't hardly cute!

Well, I never!

And you never will if you keep on pace. ....
So in accordance with resolutions and this time oh year and Shizz, I'm starting a new game plan to get my sexy back. (Did I ever have it????) Might be too late to get fit and phine in Oh-Nine, but most definitely by next year this time.

With that said, be on the look out for a new blog coming your way. Oh you'll know it when you see it because I plan to be quite frank and candid with what I do, eat, blah blah blah... Call it evolution. Call it being health smart. Call it whatever, but at this period in my life, I am sick of feeling disgusting and affected by the myriad of health problems raising their ugly head...
Oh! Hell! No!
-Ian

Happy Blog Anniversary!

It's the wee hours in the morning I and just got off the phone with the CSC. Was trolling through Facebook, making my Happy Birthday comments when I realize its my own blog's anniversary. Wow, has it been three years already?

Haven't spent much time blogging lately, not much going on and everything going on at the same time. Too much drama as my brother Corey would say. It's ironic, because read on Corey's Facebook page that MacDaddy passed away yesterday; his blog was one I admired and now I celebrate my own foray on the web. I haven't been keeping up with the blogs, but indeed, our community is just that much more smaller with his passing... There. That was a tribute of a decent blogger, better than I ever can aspire.

So what does the next 3-6-5 hold in store? Does anyone ever know the answer to that question? Seriously though, I've been at odds with myself about keeping my blog running. I've gotten away from posting much because i was putting so much of myself into Cyberspace, I almost lost myself. Plus when you start to entangle your affairs with others from the Blogosphere, well, what's said offline often needs to stay there. It's been interesting to say the least.

It's interesting when I go through what I've chronicle hear and the lessons I've learned, the ones I haven't learned, it just astonishes me to think maybe there is a bad piece after all. Barring the bad grammar or the missed word here or there, I think I've shown heart and depth of the person behind the words. Must admit, lately I wanted to shut it down. Stop and let go. But given that there is still so much more exploration needed, I will continue. Never said I was the best writer or even the most interesting, but I try to be real here...

-Ian

Quick Update.

Hey Readers! I know it's been a minute, but I'm working on a post for today. My goal is to contribute at least one post a day this week. I gotta get ready for work or else I would pen my thoughts now. I hope to have words on here around lunch time.

-Ian

Behind My Closed Door

Today is my day off and to be honest, I don't feel like fucking leaving the house. I'm a bit demystified with folk and I need a day to day at home and cool my jets. This holiday season has been an unusual one and for the first time I sincerely get why people get all bent outta shape, annoyed, stressed, and frazzled over Holiday time. I'm so over it. Feel a definite "Rudy Rush" moment coming on... "Tell ''em why you mad, son!"

Too much to mention, but mostly I'm irritated with self more than anyone else.Annoyed with the stupidity I've given in taking people at face value when I know better. So my ambition today is stay indoors and stay away from people, lest I cuss a few folks out for pissing me off. Not trynna be negative, just admitting people have been workin' my last nerve. I'm too nice to call out on others, but dang, let's act like grown as adults here. Please.

One Journey Ends

So it's raining gently outside. Almost peaceful. Bit chilly outside and I've been tinkering with my Blackberry all evening tryna figure all the little gadgets and apps, but there are some positives going on and I feel like I accomplished a few things today.

Without going into trememendous detail, I did "finish" a few projects and am ready to soar into 2010 and whatever that may bring. Can't say I'm completely satisfied this the resolution, but an ending is an ending and I'm hoping some good comes from letting go and just accepting. Things sometimes have away of resolving on their own when we stop trying to control the situation. So I'm hard-headed. OK, but the message has been received.

I know there is anticipation from a few over on M.A.L.E. what the big anouncement is gonna be. Decided to wait until the week to drop that news. It should make a few people happy, others irritate the fuck outta them. {I smile inwardly because I know what I'm doing and they don't}. It's all good. But there are hints out there...if you are a friend on Facebook, I've left a bread crumb trail.... mayhaps there are clues in this very post, even. Perhaps. For now my lips are sealed.
Nunc Coepi.

The Broken

So in speaking with a close friend last night, I relayed that I am very tired....spiritually, physically, emotionally...and I don't have much to give these days. It's sad when you wake more exhausted than when you went to bed. These next couple of weeks are going to be tough because I sense I'm entering into one of my funks. Ill timed, this funk will overlap the Holiday Season, which is probably the worst time for me to be experiencing any mental health crisis.

Usually I enjoy the Holiday Season, but as I grow older and the solid fact I am alone in many ways...not just in a relationship, but in family situations too, makes it harder to get all gleeful and ecstatic about this time of year. I kinda am losing my faith and diligence with church/faith, although I still believe the Creator has a Plan for me (my inner Six told me so, so I believe!), but I just am worn out. Completely. I'm faking it, going through the motions, and nothing really is worthy of writing home about. Nada.

One particular highlight of my day is when I get the chance to chat with my friend, they usually can snap me outta my moroseness, but therein is a whole 'nother mess I really don't feel like discussing. So, that said, I mentioned to them last night that each day becomes increasingly that much hard to throw me feet over the edge, and place on the flo', and get the day going. It's just the same old shit.

I'm working overtime to try and save up money for the Holidays and my birthday vacation, but then my job decided to fuck us real good by pulling a fast one. Can't explain that sitch for obvious reasons...only that I'm just about ready to turn in my papers and go flip some burgers. Being chained to a desk, besieged all day with exhausting work that's like a never ending tide, wears on a person after awhile. Don't get me wrong I like the work I do, just not how the system operates. Hmm. I love to be able to sit in my office all day long and have my employees wonder what i do all day, while I deligate work to everyone else, come in late, leave early...but lemme stop. You know shit always gets back. But it if does, oh well. I ain't mentioned not one damn name.... Far as any of you know, I could be working for the Obama Administration...in which case I would love and adore my boss...but naw. I'm just an average peon. Or is it pee-on? Hmph!

Anyhoo. It's still early this morning and I'm gonna try to get a few more winks before having to get up and face yet another day of overload...I'm just fucking exhausted.

Moody

Wow this makes several new posts in only two days. What's going on here Q-bert? I'm just pittering at the keyboard because I'm a mood. I won't go on the usual rant, just babble a bit. Tonight I probably will go to bed early and crawl up into a tight ball in bed. Everything is outta whack right now. I'm might not be able to go to LA after all, and a lot things have just been nagging the fuck at me lately, despite my best efforts to keep a fortified attitude. I'm just annoyed.
Ah well, nobody likes a grump, especially when it goes on and on, so I will just quit blogging for tonight and rest. I doubt I will rest. My refuge of late is not so much a comfort, just a reminder to make changes. Yep.

So how was your day?

Crash and Burnt

....Um. I guess I messed up! *gulp* But it's all good. Never say and old fool can't learn from mistakes, and I just made a huuuuuge mistake. LOL.

I always believe that if you put good intentions ahead of you and work diligently, well, the Universe would smile favorably upon you. Uh no. Nice guys finish last baby. Piss or be pissed on... that's the lesson. Say it with me Ian.

Uh no. Not gonna do it...yet I find myself wondering if having hope is just a sense of delusional thinking. Hmm. Oh I'll be thinking about this all day.

For now, I have a job to do. So let me do it....

What's Been Going On...

Been a while since I sat down to pen my thoughts on what's been going on... not that I haven't wanted to, but the last time I talked to my dear big brother Corey, he gave me a kind, yet firm schooling. Since that time, whenever I go to commiserate my life situation, I hear Corey's voice in the background telling to "stop comparing." It's halted me a number of times in my tracks from pulling up the laptop and dictating my journey. Believe me though, you haven't missed much.

Life has reach a point where I'm at a few crossroads and have choices to make. Not sure what I need to do, but I'll have my answers soon enough. There have been some trial and error moments, issues that have bubbled to the surface and struggling to make ends meet. As Corey put it, "It's just too much drama." So without my drama, I find I have nothing significant to write about. Not so though.

Recently I saw a blogger posted a video of gospel artist Donnie McClurkin calling gay folks "vampires" and other manner of evil. Now I won't go in on Donnie like so many of my contemporaries, but I will say I have given thoughts on some of his comments and can, to an extent, see his point of view. But one must remember, in his own life situation, there is much self-hatred and disdain for his own self, so to me its understandable why he would make such accusations. Donnie is just as gay as the rest of us GBM/SGL folk. One man's opinion does not make something true or so.

However, in conversation with the ever fabulous Stella Della and the Pharaoh, I've been analyzing the concept of the "homosexual" vampire. It's something I would like to explore in thought on the blog in the next few days, but I need to work out the words in my head. I promise to write a little each day until I get my own opinion written.

In other plans, I'm pleased to announce plans to celebrate my impending 40th birthday have been set....I'm headed to the West Coast to experience Vegas and LA. Wow! I'm soooo excited. Doesn't take much, but at the same token, I do have some reservation about going to the land of "beautiful people" when I feel like a troll myself. It's the weight issues that have bubbled to the surface. It all falls in-line with my thoughts regarding Donnie's vampire remark. It'll make sense once I get into it.

That's all for now. I promise to be more diligent in my posting. Just been going through my changes APU (as-per-usual) and not wanting to come across as Mr. Sad Sack 2009.

The First Priority

..is to oneself and perhaps only to God. Everyone else will let you down in the long run.

No, I am not in a mood again... well, not in the way you might think. Just having a wake-up call this week and putting into perspective where to pick up the pieces or perhaps, just start all over again. I'm going with the latter rather than the former. Let what has fallen to the wayside stay there. There's nothing in particular I'm referencing, just generalized thoughts here.

I suppose this week was a blessing. Hell, I've been told every day is a blessing, so yeah... it was. But as an ally in the cause told me, "You got alotta love to give Ian, stop wasting time on foolishness and do the damn thing." Bet. Well, there are things we want to do, and things we dread to do, but I'm take each day in segments. Not one day at a time, but one hour at a time. That's all I can do for now.

On that note, I think my foray with this blogging adventure might be coming to a close soon. I don't have much to offer in terms of wisdom, especially when I don't follow it my damn self. LOL. But Ego and Pride are telling to hold on to hopes and dreams when reality is shoveling something else in my face. Wish I had answers to the questions I seek, but they will unfold in time. One hope I'm holding on to, and that life has a greater purpose for me than what I have right now.

Talking a bit cryptic today, but my mind is working in oddities so, believe, it doesn't make sense to me either....

Yawn and a stretch...

Haven't been blogging because there hasn't been anything blog worthy to discuss, my life is too dull. All the relationships prospects have fizzled... the one I thought might have been a potential, I guess he kinda set me straight the other day... sad inna way, the guy was really sweet.

Anyhoo, my Phillies made it to a second World Series, which is well-deserved. I think the team had to make it this year for Harry's sake, God Rest his soul.

Other than that, nothing new going on, just working. Hope things are more exciting in your world peeps.

Didn't....

Getting through today was really difficult. You didn't have to tell me twice it was time to pack up my shizz and go home, but now that I'm home, I'm wondering why I was in such a rush to get outta there?!?! I'm coming home to an empty house, too many chores and tasks to do, too little motivation to do.

Hmm. I really should put the Da Doo Dirty Show on and pray DJ is really on a rant. I feel bitchy. I feel sad. I feel conflicted. Been stirring the pot a little lately with a friend, digging deeper with issues I've never spoken on. Not sure to comment on where that has my head.

I really find myself with little to blog about these days. Life is so uninteresting and vapid. Sure last weekend I was on a high because I go to talk to my little pet Cylon, but that's a whole 'nother story. CrazySexyCool is still all those things...and perhaps more. Gotta be grateful for those late night discussions. Lord though, I need sleep. I'm not calling anybody and not to be ig, but I hope nobody calls me. I'm gonna sit down and watch a good movie tonight, maybe do blog post, and come up with the reinvention of Ian. Baby, things are a mess, but I ain't speaking on it. Uh-uh. Too much. LOL.

Be encouraged mes amis. I'm trying to be...

Positive Vibes

Good morning folks. I'm up this morning trying to figure out if I should go back to work today or not. I feel better this morning, but I don't want to rush things neither. I should just go and see how I feel and take it from there. If I do, need to get ready soon.

Hey, it's Friday! Cool. Was just reading on the new dress code policy at Morehouse College. I many respects I agree with it and others I don't. Whatever. Doesn't affect me in the slightest. I'm a grown ass man. However the part on no "grillz" and no saggin' pants I think is long overdue edict!

Oh, the President won the Noble Peace Prize! Wow, didn't even know 44 was up it. Already, folks are bitching about this. Plus the nomination of a gay ambassador to Samoa & New Zealand has drawn fire from others, saying all manner of comments. I'll refrain from expressing opinion. Just sad.

My last thought this morning, and I suppose this a blessing, is I'm very thankful for my good friends, both on the 'Net and Real time, who've been great supporters and champions. Folks like Della, Corey, Aus, Pharaoh, and a few other folks. Hope you make the most of your weekend....

Broken Clocks Are Right 2 Times Per Day..

So I've been sick the last few days and nothing has gotten accomplished around the house, nothing done except me laying around like Jabba the Hutt on my dais all day long. Ho hum. Actually, I crossed a threshold or two with a few important areas. Enough to say I'm rectifying a mistake. Or mistakes. I'll leave it at that. But No, I told Della I was going to sleep. Told CrazySexCool that too, but I laid on the mattress for like a minute...had to raise up outta that bed. But I don't feel chatting no more. Can't call CrazySexCool back because I definitely don't want him thinking I'm tripping. We had a lil disagreement over a topic I shall refrain from sharing. For that matter, nothing discussed today can come on this blog. LOL. It's too complicated to say why...

But anyhoo, there is some good news, another SOMETHING I can't discuss! Shit. Do I need to make a blog nobody reads to write what's on my mind?!?! ROFL. Hm. That's a good idea. But wait, aren't those just called journals???? Nah. Where's the sense of verbal exhibitionism? I suppose there is a side of me that trips on sharing my ups and downs. Hmph. But anyway, all the events that were significant and blog-worthy, gotta stay within their respective places. But I can elude to this much, there is a new dawn (?) coming and with that dawning comes a SIGNIFICANT paradigm shift.

Moving on... Now my biggest issue is wrestling with the decision do I go to work tomorrow or not. I feel better, but I should make sure I feel 100% before I return. What I wouldn't give to be 16 again for a year. No responsibilities, no pressures, ....no men! The bane and boon to existence, right? Fair enough though, you can't fault that which is established and created when you built the foundation on a slippery slope to begin with. So the begins starts with the end. But anyway, sorry, my mind is working in a thousand circles, trying to process several things.

Is New York nice in the fall????

Proclamation

My soul hurts this morning. I don't feel like getting ready for work or dealing with anyone else and their problems today. I'm tired, exhausted really, drained from the demands going on within my heart and soul...worn out. Dammit, I'm feeling physically run down and tired of chasing my tail or jumping through hoops for naught. What's wrong with you brother?!?! Get it together!

Didn't get enough sleep last night, another night of fretful sleep, only wake up more tired than when my head hit the pillow. E.J. dropped in last night unexpected and of course at the saw time as my celly rang with CrazySexyCool calling. I called CSC back after E.J. left, let him talk his smoothness in my ear to lull me into peaceful restful thoughts. Mind you, I didn't say he bored me, just allowed myself to ease off the masks I usually keep on during the day. It's easy with CSC to just be real and not have to front about a damn thing. So many try to run game on you, it's just nice to be able to act in accord with who you are and NOT who somebody else wants you to be. Alas, that's my fault because Ian is a people pleaser...but you knew that already?

So looking at the reality of what's going on in my world, everyone of late keeps asking what's going on? My answer? Nothing much. I work. I come home. Might talk to a few folks. Then I retire, get up and start the process all over again. Boring, I know, but such is as it has to be... for now.

Looking ahead to my 40th birthday, a good friend asked me if I was anxious or upset about entering the new decade. I answered as honestly as I could, saying I just hope they are calmer than my thirties. Going at this game alone hasn't been and isn't easy, but I am reclaiming myself and if along the way something good falls into place, so be it. The most difficulty notion to dismiss is that I am not the person I thought I would be, but have all the potential to be the person I could be. The key is patience, something I'm not good at. It's the lesson CrazySexyCool is teaching me, whether he knows it or not (he will know now...he reads my blog). I admire CSC because has so much he doesn't see about himself that I wish I had. But then again, I suppose the same could be said about yours truly. Why is it we never see the things others see in ourselves?

The Search Is Over

So Crush # 1, henceforth to be known as CrazySexyCool, and I were chatting up on the phone this afternoon. He's being dubbed CSC because he's being downgraded (upgraded, really) to awesome friend... the crush has fizzled, but we're developing an nice little friendship which is most refreshing. Not to get all Aesop-ish, but the grapes were probably sour anyway. LOL.

The reason I bring him up is I've decided to hang up the search for someone for a long time and just delight in myself. Not something I would to do, but something I just have to do. I will leave it at that. Please don't leave comments saying well it's good to be by yourself, the right will come along, you just need to be patient,yadda yadda yadda ...

Yeah, all true, but when you find yourself being the fifth or seventh wheel perpetually, after awhile you do start to think things. So, rather than torture myself, I figure if I give don't look (notice I didn't say give up) maybe I can just fall in love with myself and say fuck it to dating? LOL. It's really overrated, given all the people I know who are and they're all having problems out the wazoo.

10/1/2009

Welcome back. Thanks for sticking around. I've received a few messages these last few days so i must continue to push this venture forward...It's a brand new month, brand new day, brand new attitude. I hope. So much to catch you up on. My forays into find a decent relationship are going on hiatus. Will explain that later. The crush-factor has now turned into really, really good friends factor...probably a good thing. Crush # 1 is a mess, but gets me and is non judgmental. Oh there ain't a chance in hell anything is evah gon' jump off, but I feel like I gained a brother rather than a lover. Boyfriends come and go, but a brother that has your back, is priceless...

Stay tuned later tonight. I got shit to do around the house for now. On my only day off this week, I need to do all the things normally reserved for the weekends. Next weekend is DC provided I can catch up with Scott747 and crash at his pad. I'm excited though. I feel like there is a purpose afoot....

10-01-09: Return of the 'Hawk!

Hey Brothers and Sisters!

As the month of September is coming to a close, my return to work in full swing, I feel properly rested and will be resuming my regular blogging routine. There's gonna be a few changes, maybe even a surprise too, so stay tuned....

Ian

My twittascope

You cannot hide your true emotions now, even if you try. It's like they are posted on your forehead and everyone can see exactly how you are feeling. But still, your sudden emotional outburst may surprise others. You feel it coming and know that it will encourage someone else to express his or her feelings, too.