Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Broken

So in speaking with a close friend last night, I relayed that I am very tired....spiritually, physically, emotionally...and I don't have much to give these days. It's sad when you wake more exhausted than when you went to bed. These next couple of weeks are going to be tough because I sense I'm entering into one of my funks. Ill timed, this funk will overlap the Holiday Season, which is probably the worst time for me to be experiencing any mental health crisis.

Usually I enjoy the Holiday Season, but as I grow older and the solid fact I am alone in many ways...not just in a relationship, but in family situations too, makes it harder to get all gleeful and ecstatic about this time of year. I kinda am losing my faith and diligence with church/faith, although I still believe the Creator has a Plan for me (my inner Six told me so, so I believe!), but I just am worn out. Completely. I'm faking it, going through the motions, and nothing really is worthy of writing home about. Nada.

One particular highlight of my day is when I get the chance to chat with my friend, they usually can snap me outta my moroseness, but therein is a whole 'nother mess I really don't feel like discussing. So, that said, I mentioned to them last night that each day becomes increasingly that much hard to throw me feet over the edge, and place on the flo', and get the day going. It's just the same old shit.

I'm working overtime to try and save up money for the Holidays and my birthday vacation, but then my job decided to fuck us real good by pulling a fast one. Can't explain that sitch for obvious reasons...only that I'm just about ready to turn in my papers and go flip some burgers. Being chained to a desk, besieged all day with exhausting work that's like a never ending tide, wears on a person after awhile. Don't get me wrong I like the work I do, just not how the system operates. Hmm. I love to be able to sit in my office all day long and have my employees wonder what i do all day, while I deligate work to everyone else, come in late, leave early...but lemme stop. You know shit always gets back. But it if does, oh well. I ain't mentioned not one damn name.... Far as any of you know, I could be working for the Obama which case I would love and adore my boss...but naw. I'm just an average peon. Or is it pee-on? Hmph!

Anyhoo. It's still early this morning and I'm gonna try to get a few more winks before having to get up and face yet another day of overload...I'm just fucking exhausted.


Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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MikeSpike said...

Ian, believe me, I know how you feel, but oddly enough, I'm really looking forward to Christmas this year, decorating the house for the season and inviting the family over on Christmas day. This year has been kind of shitty, my dog is dying (canine cancer), I'm STILL single, the folks on my job suck...but I'm looking forward to the new year. My wish for you is that you find within yourself what you need to be happy and always know that your blog brother (me) will always love you Ian.

bobbymo51 said...

Depression is a serious business.
That said, may I ask you to take just as seriously the fact that it has MANY causes.

Not the least of those causes is nutritional. Which means too much of one thing, and not enough of another. Between what's in our food that shouldn't be, and what's NOT, that SHOULD be, you GOT to supplement. INTELLIGENTLY.

It has been well proven that the Standard American Diet - SAD, for short, will leave you, for one thing, with too many Omega 6 fatty acids, and not enough Omega 3s and 9s, which are the ones you need for optimal brain function.
Even the medical establishment has recently come out to say that we should be getting AT LEAST 1000 units of vitamin D per day.

I've read your blog for some time now - and I find myself thinking- "Wow, I used to be like this ALL THE TIME." Then I got busy - and started studying.

Do some up-to-date research on an anti-inflammatory lifestyle, institute some changes, and SEE if you don't start feeling better. MUCH better!

Be pro-active! You don't have to feel this way!

thepulpit said...

Please use the few words that always restores my self-love:
"Still I Rise"

Shattered, but I'm not broken
Wounded, but time will heal
Heavy the load, the cross I bear
Lonely the road I trod, I dare
Shaken, but here I stand
Weary, Still I press on
Long are the nights, the tears I cry
Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes

Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low
Yet still I rise

Sometimes I'm troubled, but not in despair
Struggling, I make my way through
Trials, they come to make me strong
I must endure, I must hold on


Thomas said...

Dang, Ian, you sound like you are just as moody as I am, lol1!! But after awhile doesn't it simply become a total drag?

I am thankful for Christmas because I LOVE Christmas, the songs, the spirit, the giving and the chance to help those who might not otherwise have a Christmas, are some of the things that get me away from my own little life and imaginary (relatively speaking) problems.

If you are not right with yourself, do not expect the rest of the world to be right with you! I tell myself this often when I throw my pity party and think the world doesn't like me.


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President Barack Obama!