Sunday, February 7, 2010

Why So Silent M'sieur?

Recently a friend and supporter asked why I haven't been doing much blogging lately. I suppose the simplest answer is because I've been going through some rough spots, feeling like a punk ass bitch, so I've chosen to keep my distress to myself.

It's interesting what we will and won't do, even as gay men, that I've allowed myself to reach a ceiling with how much I want to discuss personally. Methinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis; my balance is off again.

This discontinuity with my spirit; wrestling with the demons of the man I am not and the man I wanted to be. More and more, each morning the motivation to get out of bed is a challenge. Sure, I appear fine on the outside. Yes Virginia, even I can keep a few secrets when needed. I don't air all my dirty laundry. Hmph. If you only knew.

My reluctance to share anything of late cuts to the core of my own masculine pride and self-worth. Fueled by a few negative comments and accusations, I've been acting below my own comfort level and I ain't feeling that shit one second. Vulnerability can be risky when the prize your seeking is contingent on a superficial structure of outward appearances. Let's be honest about that, the older I get, the less likely certain dreams are going to be achieved. Yeah, that's everyone, but the regrets have chosen now to go on the offense. My deep seeded sense of isolation and loneliness has started to physically manifest itself....

There's more I'd like to say, but I'm keeping my defenses up in case the next volley of insults work their way back. I'm tired. Nevertheless, I will attempt to blog more often, for my friends sake. Too, I have a firm belief this tide is about to ebb in a few weeks, and my life will go back to what it was before. Now is that a good thing? Therein remains to be seen....

1 comment:

Mistress Serene said...

This post reminds me of a quote from Winston Churchill, "If you are going through Hell, Keep Going."

Like your words, brother. Keep writing.


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