Monday, August 31, 2009

And Then You Woke Up

Well tomorrow is supposed to be the day I take my blogging break, but thanks to Austin (who practically begged me not to), I'll just be posting less, but not taking a lengthy break. But ahhh, I'm tired. So tired.

I suppose things have been heavy on my mind about things outta my control. I return to work two weeks. There's mixed emotions about that. Not sure whether the time off was well spent. I mean I did heal, but there is so much more I should have done, could have done. Hm. Shoulda, coulda, woulda right? Story of my life, heh heh.

Moreover, I'm still deeply troubled over the situation that happened last week between, I guess now, a former friend, and I. When the situation went down, I let the person know how truly humbled and sorry I was. They wrote me back and said not to worry about anything, but I know for a fact the situation has not been forgiven. Don't wanna go into tremendous details, but the gist is I have it when I have people upset me. Call it old issues. I like to have peace in my life where I can, and when people are angry or upset with me, I will try my best to resolve matters. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out. Now for the person in question, I suppose something simple and seeming innocent hurt enough to cause the backlash I received, and it is cutting me like a knife, but that is a harsh lesson I have to learn. Not everyone in life is going to like you, love you, or even support you.

Easy to write, less to take to heart.

I'm feeling troubled in my spirit, vulnerable. Not like i can do anything except let go, but you know I wish things were different. At my wonderful stage in life I do try to hold on dear and steadfast to the little I have. Letting go ain't easy, but I still ahve dignity and I will not beg. The old saying I can muster with full conviction is "Forgiveness is not about the forgiven." So true. When we have the ability to forgive, the true blessing is not on the person receiving the forgiveness, but on ourselves. When we let go of the hurt, anguish, anger, blah blah blah, the Universe then in turn allows our spirit to bloom, transcend into something else. Someone better.

Damn, maybe I need to take my own advice. LOL.


Cocoa Rican said...

My first-hand experience is that forgiveness benefits you but also that some relationships aren't worth saving. You're going to do great at work.

Thomas said...

Ian, what is going on? Are you always upsetting people or are people always upsetting you?

Ian (Darktomahawk) said...

Thomas, I am smiling through the tears, just trying to keep it together. Much is going on and I feel bad/sad about it, but it is all stuff completely outta my hands. People are fickle and the sooner i let it go, the sooner I will be OK.

Like i wrote on my Tweet last nite, "Forgiveness isn't about the Forgiven, but the Forgive." I am trying to learn to forgive and possibly forget, but my heart, my soul is in a bad way. Why do others think people are so disposable??? Befriend me, then ditch me at a moments notice? Hm. S'OK though. I am closing the door and not letting anyone else in except those that at anchored there already...

I will email you the rest. There's more.


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