Hiatus

The blog is going on hiatus awhile for several reasons. I leave for vacation on Thursday for two weeks and there won't be much opportunity to do much posting. Second, my life has been very topsy turvy for the last week. I don't want to get into details, but I don't think my life is going to be the same after the dust settles. Yes, it involves Napoleon. I took a gamble, lost the house. I might blog about it before I leave, but for now accept that everything I thought to be true and real was all just an illusion. Life and love stinks! My mood has been extremely DARK and it'll get worse before it gets to heal, but as I mentioned to Miss T, "I am nothing if not resilient. I will survive."

"Braveheart Tegan."
-Doctor Who

How Quickly I Forget

The old adage is "be careful for what you what you wish for because you just might get it" is so true. In life I have learned my lessons the hard way and keep repeating stupid mistakes that I've made over and over and over again. I'm 37 years old. You'd think I'd learn by now from my past mistakes and never trust my heart, always my mind, but no, I'm notoriously foolish, especially when it comes to the follies of my heart.

I really don't feel like going into exaggerated details, but I'm very tired mentally, physically, and emotionally at the moment. Drained. I've spent the day trying to clean up a mess not of my own making and try to repair the irreparable. The roller coaster will have resolution in less than 48 hours, I will just have to endure a little while longer and see how things turn out.

One issue with me is never make a promise you don't intend to keep. I'd rather deal with the harsh reality here and now then to later have built up hopes dashed. The story is consistent in my life whether it be acquaintance, friend, or family, even seems to make empty promises that they never fulfill. Its left me with a sour taste, yet I always tend to take people at face value. Naivete is a bitch. Maybe I just believe people are intrinsically good and have the best intentions? Maybe I just have the word sucker written on my forehead? Whatever the reason, I need to make necessary changes and just believe negatively until otherwise proven wrong. Trust should never be given freely, always earned.

I'm reckless with my emotions and I admit if someone shows some attention to me, its easy for them to earn my favor. Yet when I am alone with an individual, who could call upon me, need me, I am slapped in the face, stabbed in the heart, cut at that gills, being unworthy of affections. Perhaps too, I need to learn never to take someone else's cast off. There is a reason people rid themselves of encumbrances. Rarely do people make rash decisions when it comes to love, but I seem to.

Damocles & The Sword Hath Fallen

And I have suffered in ways I never knew I could,
and at this moment when my heart is breaking,
watching your fall about to take place,
where there's nothing I can do to stop it,
I cling to they drama and intensity,
wanting to hold you even more than I should

The day is coming,
coming real soon,
when adversity will be upon your door,
and ne'er more will things be the same,
perhaps on a day like today almost noon,
the word will be spoken,
and in a heartbeat,
lives will be transformed

With every ounce of foreboding and dread,
tonight I wish I were dead
I cannot fathom how this pain will push us further apart,
taking moments of fun from my hands,
the blade will be swift,
the stains will not be in blood or tears,
but in residue of metal,
found only in the darkest of places

And on a street where the cyclops roams,
he'll search to reclaim his bounty,
to mend his undoing,
all the while taking strife and wanting escape,
and I,
the lone Ozymandias,
will witness demise of so many hopes and dreams

O sojourn to escape
the pain that bounds me,
to keep the secret,
yet in absence of truth
will that wrought day be more painful?
Will he know how I hold him dear?
Will he forget pastures and keep to newly brighter paths,
or is destiny a faith unbreakable?

O God bid me strength,
bind my words,
guide my deeds,
loose not my tongue on folly,
and let Your blessing pray thee upon he who needs you most.

Napoleon will always have his Waterloo....

Darktomahawk
16 May 2007

Jerry Falwell Dies...

I happened to jump over to Rod 2.0's Blog this afternoon and caught the snippet that the infamous televangelist died today. While I hold no malice towards him, I know there are many out in GLBT community that do. I wonder though, now that he has met his Maker, will his God he so fervently worshipped all these years, be the same Creator of the Universe? Falwell has preached some very negative sermons in his day and I wonder what surprises are in store him when he reaches Heaven. Do I think he'll be in Heaven? For some time, yes. I believe we all will stand before God someday and answer for the deeds we did in life. I'm sure if I'm beliefs jive with what Falwell believed, but I do believe the Creator will hold us all accountable for our actions. I'm not sure if everything written or taught from the Bible is accurate, its all a matter of interpretation.

Falwell founded the Moral Majority in 1979. Falwell credited the Moral Majority with getting millions of conservative voters registered, aiding in Ronald Reagan's election as President in 1980 and giving Republicans control of the Senate. The rise of Christian conservatism — and the Moral Majority's condemnation of homosexuality, abortion and pornography — made Falwell perhaps the most recognizable figure on the evangelical right, and one of the most controversial ones, too. His remarks a few days after Sept. 11, 2001, essentially blaming feminists, gays and liberals for bringing on the terrorist attacks drew a rebuke from the White House, similar to comments that Pat Robertson had made about New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina that the wrath of God was brought upon gays and immorality.

What I remember most about Falwell in recent years was his preposterous remarks about the Teletubbies. Falwell accused Tinky Winky as a gay role model and morally damaging to children. Whoa Nelly! I won't begin to touch upon that issue again. Will he be right all along??? Probably not.

Who knows what the other side holds, death hold all the final answers and unfortunately none of us will no anything until we cross beyond the veil. I'm in no rush to meet my maker! My life may not be everything I've wanted it to be, but I have too much living and there is a Divine purpose and reason for my continued existence. Only time will reveal what the purpose of any of our existences mean. Is homosexuality wrong? Is it immoral? I can't answer that. I only live my life according to what feel right and I try to be an upstanding person where possible. There is the old adage "Let your conscious be your guide." I try to live by those words and believe me, my conscious often feels guilty for the most mundane trivialities.

Where There Is Some Hope

While I have not posted in sometime to the Blog, I do have posts I wrote out on paper and never typed. My absence from blogging has been felt. One day turned into two days and two days turned into four and here we are almost a month later and I'm just now posting something new for the month of May.

Life has taken a few twists. I've had some up moments and more than a few down moments. I've taken the initiative to start walking everyday, rain or shine, to improve my weight situation. It has become time consuming, partially the reason for my sabbatical from the "Axe." I'll try to endeavor to write more in the coming days and will definitely post the past twelve or so thoughts I have scrawled on paper.

My cruise departs in less than two weeks now, so unfortunately there's going to be another hiatus to the "Axe," but then again, is anyone really reading this? Sigh. My hope in becoming a WWW mega-blogster are being shot to hell fast! Oh well, if anything this experiment has been cathartic and has been interesting at times. Perhaps the blog will draw to a close after I get back from the Caribbean? It'll depend on how I feel. In other exciting news, I talked to Mrs. Bonaparte to night and she let me know Naps will be in town on Wednesday for a few days. We're going to dinner. Don't worry, the ship has sailed on romance with Napoleon. At this point in my life, I've discovered in the last 25 days romance has probably sailed in my life for good. It's OK. I'll always have myself, so I might as well make the most of my life, probably one of the contributing factors for me to start exercising more frequently.

Exercise has paid off. I've lost a few pounds but the journey is long and the road is rough. I will keep you posted.

Makes My Mouth Water.....

We Can Only See The Dots....

In the movie the Latter Days, Steve Sandvoss' character tells a grief woman on how man and God view the world differently. He tells how when he was a child he used to read the comics in the newspaper and would really close so he could only make out the colored dots. He said he could see the complete picture, yet God can. As human beings we can only see the dots and not the interconnecting dots that makes up life's picture.

Would a man rather walk through the Gates of hell than be submissive to Heaven's requests? perhaps all life really has envisioned is simply a cosmic plan of interlocking nothingness with no greater significance than the dust under the table.

Did you ever wonder if fate is something real or if destiny is an illusion we create to escape responsibility for our own actions? Will a man lie to his brother to save himself from admitting he wronged his brother?


What God thinks about GAYS:
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."
-Jeremiah 1:5

Saw This On Someone Else's Blog....

And I had to post it to mine. This was too funny and had me in hysterics. I will admit I've been guilty of a few of these too. The ones I'm guilty of doing are in bold print.....

1. You have at least one drawer/cabinet that contains more food than office supplies.

2. Not only do you know all the security guards, janitors and cafeteria workers, one of them has asked you out on a date.

3. Your version of a conference call is when you call your friends and plan what you are doing for the weekend.

4. The only time your man/woman picks you up from work is on payday.

5. Friends and family members call you at work to cuss you out because you didn't answer your phone quickly enough.

6. You paint your nails/clip at your desk.

7. When you are on a personal call you, laugh so loud your co-workers on the other side of the office come and ask you what's so funny.

8. You have pictures on your wall with you and your friends at the club.

9. To beat the system, you have codes for personal calls that let's someone know to call you right back. (For example, let the phone ring two times and call me right back)

10. You give your out-of-town friends your company's 1-800 number.

11. Before calling in sick, you rehearse your sick voice and sick story several times out loud.

12. Coworkers ask about your father's surgery that required you to miss work for days - and you don't even know who your daddy is.

13. You use the company's postage machine to stamp your personal mail.

14. Your kid's school supplies all have your company's insignia on them.

15. You call in sick on payday Friday and send your cousin to pick up your paycheck.

16. You contribute $1 to the office Christmas party, eat the most food and take a platter of lunch meat and potato salad home to your family for dinner.

17. Before someone uses your telephone at your desk, they have to wipe the chicken grease off the handset.

18. You call in sick on Friday because you went out on Thursday.

19. You tell off your supervisor and a couple of other coworkers on a regular basis - and wonder why you haven't been promoted.

20. You get your haircut/hair done on lunch and come back two hours later. Then you ask "Was anybody looking for me?".

21. You cuss your creditors out for calling you at work.

22. You come to work on Fridays dressed for the club.

23. Your kids call your job and say to the operator, "Let me speak to my Mama"

24. You are sitting there reading this instead of getting your work done.