Saturday, May 19, 2007

How Quickly I Forget

The old adage is "be careful for what you what you wish for because you just might get it" is so true. In life I have learned my lessons the hard way and keep repeating stupid mistakes that I've made over and over and over again. I'm 37 years old. You'd think I'd learn by now from my past mistakes and never trust my heart, always my mind, but no, I'm notoriously foolish, especially when it comes to the follies of my heart.

I really don't feel like going into exaggerated details, but I'm very tired mentally, physically, and emotionally at the moment. Drained. I've spent the day trying to clean up a mess not of my own making and try to repair the irreparable. The roller coaster will have resolution in less than 48 hours, I will just have to endure a little while longer and see how things turn out.

One issue with me is never make a promise you don't intend to keep. I'd rather deal with the harsh reality here and now then to later have built up hopes dashed. The story is consistent in my life whether it be acquaintance, friend, or family, even seems to make empty promises that they never fulfill. Its left me with a sour taste, yet I always tend to take people at face value. Naivete is a bitch. Maybe I just believe people are intrinsically good and have the best intentions? Maybe I just have the word sucker written on my forehead? Whatever the reason, I need to make necessary changes and just believe negatively until otherwise proven wrong. Trust should never be given freely, always earned.

I'm reckless with my emotions and I admit if someone shows some attention to me, its easy for them to earn my favor. Yet when I am alone with an individual, who could call upon me, need me, I am slapped in the face, stabbed in the heart, cut at that gills, being unworthy of affections. Perhaps too, I need to learn never to take someone else's cast off. There is a reason people rid themselves of encumbrances. Rarely do people make rash decisions when it comes to love, but I seem to.

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