Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ye Olde Internet Crush

Poking fun at myself, but sharing a piece of wisdom in return...being candid and frank, as only I can be, I decided to pen my thoughts on a few of mine...

At the behest of Della, I finally "grew a pair" and confronted one of my Internet crushes on my Jonsing on him. It was more than a lil humbling, but was cathartic at the same time.

Now I say "one" of my Internet crushes because I have about four or five running concurrently. I shall not give name to any of my crushes, save for Mr. Lonzie, who er'ryone across the Blogosphere must know I had "the vapors" for that man. LOL.

Naw! No names here. Let's refer to the remaining as Crush #1, Crush #2, Crush #3, and Crush #4. Some of my blogging buds know about my attractions, some don't. I think only Corey knows about #4, because I had tell somebody, but on a whole I WILL NOT speak on #4 because, well as the saying goes, "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas." I'm not even sure #4 knows. Well, duh, actually...he should. But I digress.

Moving On...

OK. So. Crush #1 is a brother I've been drawn towards for a looooong time. Long time. I was definitely afraid to make a play for him cause I perceived myself being outta his league. And even though we've talked a few times, I found myself painfully shy to say shiite to this cat. But I did confess my interest to Della and Gayte-Keeper. Keeper's been prompting me for months to talk to #1, but I wasn't having it. I knew how the outcome would go down, blah blah blah. But it wasn't until I spoke with the wise and venerable Miss Della, [M.A.L.E.]'s newest author, that I said to myself "why not."

Let's interject the rationale behind my hesitance. It's not that I'm not cute, for I AM. In fact, I'm FAAAAABULOUSLY cute, thick, and delicious in my own respect. However, surmising what I put together on #1 personae, writing, and image, I knew I wasn't his type. Knew I didn't fit the profile. My trepidations stem in my experience that generally bruhs I'm attracted to don't find me attractive. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.Oh yeah, I'm fine for friendship, but their nevah weak in the knees over me. Not crying woe, just an observation. But young and refreshing Della raised a wonderful point. Wise and true, nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Tonight the moment allowed for #1 and I to talk through Instant Messenger and graduate to a phone call. The convo was rich, warm, and interesting. The good brother has a deliciously smooth voice, a bravado, and I can "conversate" well. (Yes, I know conversate isn't a word. It's "irregardless."Oops that's not a word either, huh?) Crush #1 has swag. Damn good swag (think T.J. Holmes and President Obama swag). Very down to Earth. His ease made it relaxing for me to confess my "sins" and we dished on a variety of topics, including him getting nekkid. (Oh Lawd! Had to really push past that part. I think bruh is Phoine. Not fine. Or Phine. But PHHHHHOINE. And yes, we discussed opinion on that too.)

As anticipated, Crush gently lemme know he wasn't interested, and I can't say I blame him given individual circumstances. Yet, dude has a clearer picture of me and my situations than anyone I know, including my circle of brothers (Toddy, Scott, Corey, Gayte-Keeper, Mike, etc etc.) so I can see us becoming fast friends and even "Brothers of the Q-hood."

Overall, I'm grateful for #1 kindness. Unlike an earlier situation in the week when another crush, #3 put me on blast, blurting out "Ew" at the suggestion I might like him (it's all good, he explained why). That was one my lower moments when I really wanted to bury myself in the dirt. Rest assured, I think Crushes #1, #3, and # 4 and I have/will have stronger bonds in the coming days, weeks, and months. As for Crush # 2? He's off the radar somewhere...I haven't spoken to #2 in possibly 3, 4, or 5 months. And Thaddeus was a pipe dream, but I can take comfort I wasn't the only man captured under Thaddy-Daddy's spell. No names. "Vapors," though.

So the point of confessing my shame? Well, guess most of all, I come away from this feeling a little better confronting fear. In real life I tend to be very shy. While my good brother Thomas has ascribed me being rather "in-your-face" at times, I'm not. Oft times I'm reserved. Although I can speak my mind, share intimate details others would find quite embarrassing, when it comes to finding a mate? Oh, I'm just a big ole gay neophyte.

"Totally unprepared am I,
to face a world of men....
Timid and shy and scared am I,
of things beyond my ken"

Yes, boys and girls, Ian finds himself unworthy of the fellas who've caught his eye. Whether because he feels inadequate due to financial status, wealth, maturity, common sense, experience, weight, mental health, what have you, without the aid of alcohol or other substances to take him to level of "brass balls," he get caught up in his own defeatist notions. Perhaps he creates a self-fulling prophecy, and probably so, but tonight I summoned courage to go with it, laid my cards on the table, and see where would things go. Taking the chance is the learning experience, not the outcome.

While the outcome didn't to my favor, I'm that much closer to feeling more relaxed in my own skin. The lesson is an infinitesimally small one, but still a lesson nevertheless. Maybe I'm not in the position to dole out advice, given how I'm fighting emotions of humiliation at the moment, but I will say take a chance on a situation. If you personally are presented with an opportunity, go for it. It's better to speak your mind and know what happened, then to never have and NOT know what COULD HAVE happened.

So take a good laugh at my shame, I am, and then apply this in whatever means are at your disposal right now. How's it go again? Carpe Diem? Seize the Day. The possibility may just work to your advantage, it may not, but you'll never know unless you take the chance...

12 comments:

*DELLA! said...

terrific and never lose sight of the prize before you honey. you've got some big and great changes coming...lets make it happen the good way.

0841017658 said...
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THARULA said...

First time here and i dig your stories.

ToddyEnglish said...

Chile, who didn't--at some point--have a crush on Thaddeus! I won't even lie reading his blog made me hella curious...lol. Well, he already know I think he fine...mmmmhmmm. haha.

Anyways, I've had blogger crushes too! I told them too.
One of em was Darius T. Williams (lol. He is so funny and sweet)and the other was Bruce "Houston Macbro" O'neal. However, Darius lives all the way in chi-town (LDR's are too much work!) and Bruce got a man (honey I am NOT a ho)...haha. But it's all good and in fun though...

Anyway, don't feel sad that you got rejected. Everyone faces (and experiences) rejection in EVERY avenue of our lives. It's just apart of the growing process. Atleast you had the audacity to say it (as opposed to languishing in ambiguity).

mmmmkaaaay, now who are these other ones. DISH!

Scott747 said...

Hello My Man:

Not sure about the lesson here. Only thing I know is that I've had any number of "internet" buddies come to real life. And what you got to feel "shy" about? You a wonderful man my friend and talented too. Had one of those "no, this can't be true" internet experiences come to life this week. Methinks you need to just relax - as you seem to be more inclined to do of late -- and just let life wash over you like spring rain along the Susquehanna. Chill man- it will come.

thegayte-keeper said...

Ian, Ian...

Ian (Darktomahawk) said...

Yes 'Keeper??? As I told you long ago, I knew the outcome cat. LOL.

Wonder Man said...

great things are coming soon, just be ready for it

Mike Spike said...

Oh, I know the story oh so well. I am shy also and just recently started getting enough nerve to step to someone that I liked. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Fear of rejection used to stop me before I even got going, but now I look at it as a catalyst for growth. We all get our "face broken" sometimes, but hey, that's life.

Pharaoh said...

Wow four concurrent crushes...that's a lot...but I understand.

I'm glad you found a lesson in this experience with your Crush #1. I think the idea o rejections makes us all a little gun shy from time to time. Maybe I'll learn from your experience and advice and find my brass pair and say something to my crush or just someone who catches my eye.

Who's this Thaddeus and what about him got yall swooning over like him so??

ToddyEnglish said...

Oh just read Desk of PI Musique. the torrid tales of sex (and pictures) will make you really randy...haha.

Taylor Siluwe said...

Who told you to strum my pain? I sincerely connected with everything you said. Everything. *sigh*

But that lesson, that "infinitesimally small one", is a must learn. I guess great bits of wisdom, like all good things, also come in small packages.

Thanx for the pick-me-up -- I SO needed it.

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