Tom & the Tumblr Migration

Oh Tom. I don't care what people have said (seen some nasty comments about the young Olympian. Fuck that shit!) you do your thang and enjoy life to the fullest! Do the Mobot. Ha!

Saw this a while back floating across the Blogs/Tumblr. It's cute. I'm recycling some unpublished posts I had save in draft mode. Trying to make up for lost blogging time. Yeah, 2012 wasn't a great year for me writing-wise. I lost my voice and desire for a minute, but got it back last month. I've been quite eager to post for some reason. Maybe because I have more free time on my hands.

 I'll probably make the migration over to a Tumblr blog at some point in 2013. As evident with December, I've done more posting of gifs, clips, and pix than actual thought. I'm still not on track with my thoughts, still not secure in my writing.... So we'll see. I didn't start this blog to be famous (contrary to some people's opinion).

My original intent was only to use it as an outlet, to vent the things that I don't often share with my peers and fam. Has this been a successful venture? Well I laid out my burdens and was able to move on with many issues, yes. Have a encountered a few miscreants along the way? Oh hell yes! But fuck the naysayers. To hell with the haterz! As I'm fond of telling everyone else, "Be YOU, Do YOU! "

Time to take my own advice for 2013.

Caveat Emptor!
 -Ian

Yaaaaas!

"Hustle, hustle, hustle. Keep it pushin', keep it moving. Ain't gonna stop til I reach the top!"

That's today's mantra. No time to worry about past mistakes or worry about the future. All I really have is this moment... Yup.

-In love & faith,
Ian

Positive Vibes

I can say I've been in the best of spirits lately! Let's attribute that to a reconnect with my spirit and disconnect to the earthly.

For sometime, I've been trying to make the necessary adjustments to my path to get to a higher plane, somewhere happier and more comfortable. Of course along the way I get some insensitive or brash dismissive folk who feel like tripping me up, but fuck 'em! Really. I might not be my all, but if I concentrate hard enough, work hard, I get there in my own time. Life is not really a race, but we often make it so.

Some days my attitude is the paragon of suave. Hopeful of the Joe Cool. Hip and sooooo sure of myself, yet so clueless. Hahaha! Indeed. It's a good feeling. Perhaps if I take more moments to stop thumbing my nose at myself, I'd understand the search.

Laisser le Bon rouleau de Temps!

Do I Dream Of Normalcy?

So in an effort to free myself from my usual restrains, I'm stepping outside my level of comfort with my trip to LA. Making plans with Prince Pharaoh and Tazzy, going to clubs and hanging out in all the social spots where the beautiful people gon' be. Hm. OK. Am I ready for this?

Now I express my trepidation to this because I'm going with the stereotype that the West Coast is filled with shallow folks who are gonna turn up their noses, giggle, and guffaw at a large brutha like yours truly steppin up in the place. Again, hm. So do I let fear and the possible fear of response from others stop me from having fun? Oh hell no! But I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit to feeling self-conscious to some degree. My confidence isn't the greatest, but I'm gonna buck up, put my best imitation of masculine suave on (as much as yours truly can muster) and do the damn thing. Life is too short, and hey, I wanted to do something different for my fortieth birthday right?

Yeah, it ain't easing being a misshapen tool in the box of perfection, but I need to remind myself of this one thing, we all have our faults. Perhaps I might carry mine around my middle, but there are others who carry theirs between their ears. So what's the deal if I get some stares or some snickers or two. Am I every gonna see any of these people again? Doubt it. And if I come back with memories that bring a smile to my face, then normal or not, then my dreams can come true...

One From Another...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

Speaking of love and friendships. We're all familiar with the "Not Everybody Can Be In Your Front Row" and "Some People are here for a Season" dogma. But how do you feel about it really?

Toddy recently addressed in his blogs the relief of saying goodbye to an ex romantic interest and his 'divorce' from his older brother. Dear sweet Toddy has grown from it, obtained closure. Query? How about the relationships that do not have the personal satisfaction of closure? What do we do to bring peace those matters?

Far too often, we walk with others for a time, reveling, making merry, and gettin' giddy, then for whatever reason...boo! They're gone. Without so much as a "By your leave," like a thief in the night. I don't understand it. Sometimes we're given a chance to say goodbye, others, there's no warning. What purpose does sudden disappearance serve? Ah, the death and dearth of friendships and love...

Ian's Inquiry: What do you do when you cannot achieve closure to a situation? What positives do you use to close the door and have your own sense of peace?

While We're Absent...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

Regretfully, I think my time away from Arturo has created a wanderlust spurned on by a wanting what others have. Yet, as my Gram is quickly to point out, "What made for other people, ain't made for everybody."

It's a harsh truth, but one we all need to hear loud and clear. Arturo and I haven't done much talking. Not about the pertinent topics. And I wanna go to Pride events in New York and Philly. This summer, while I have the opportunity to travel, these wings are gonna spread. I don't have time to be held back by doubts and fears. So where I'm going is anyone's guess.

There's much conversation to be had and yours truly can't square the blame completely on Arturo for the lack of communication. It wasn't until I discussed my homosexuality with my mum I thought a possible future, I wanted, possible. Doubt has been sitting on my shoulder. The green-eyed monster of jealousy, whispering in my ear, telling things I shouldn't believe. On the other shoulder, where I'd hope an angel would be, the nemesis of my past "fucked up" relationships, friendships, and marriage implores me to cling to the familiar.

But rise up soldier! Shrug them doubts, and have faith in the Creator, that what blessing He has for me, will come. All things in their due time....

'Tween Me and Thee...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

I'm not sure why that old Sunday School prayer is floating through the gray matter this evening, but it's nagging at me somethin' fierce.

When the physical is not in-line with the spiritual, then the mind grows nothing good. Sheer pessimism. Lord knows I embrace what is needed to be learned from. There's a reason for this season. Learn the truth from the hidden message, then move on. Don't linger in the Valley, but use what is learned as a tool to get to the next peak.

The good news is I'm returning home at week's end. According to Peaks and Valleys, I need to live in that truth a moment. Not allow negative situations waiting for at home pull me off my peak. The bills are a reality, but the fact that I'll be home, reunited with my cats, friends, and loved ones, is something to hold dear. I'm on an adventure. Ain't got time living in limbo with life.

There is concern however. Troubling is the lingering "something" I have with Arturo. I wouldn't call us boyfriends, more like friends with occasional benefits. I care about him, as I mentioned in a few posts back, but differences in our ages, "out" levels, maturity... yadda yadda yadda...needs to be addressed when I get home. Plus how much longer am I gonna be living in that area? Pretty much resolved with myself I wanna move within the next year or so....

Let Yourself Be Yourself

Thanks to my Internet bud, Jared Eaton who can be found here and here, for sending me these daily motivators. This was for yesterday, butis poignant every day...



If you are resisting life's goodness, then working harder at it will push that goodness farther away. Instead, learn to let go and to allow. Simply generating more activity and energy will not help you if that energy is pointed in a negative direction. Choose to re-direct all the energy and awareness in your life toward those things you value most. If the results you are getting fail to bring fulfillment, do not seek to merely create more results. Instead, find the path that truly fulfills your purpose. There is nothing to be gained from making life needlessly difficult. See the truth that life is beautiful, and align your energy and your actions with your very own expression of that truth. When you let yourself be yourself, richness flows easily and effortlessly and naturally through every moment. Your greatest accomplishments come from who you are. Let yourself be yourself. And you'll be as rich as anyone can ever be.

-- Ralph Marston

Personal Matra

Blessed by the Creator, Eternal Father God, who gives me strength. I'm filled with Love, Grace, and Pride. Some days I'm a lil crazy, but NEVAH a bore! My inner child has run amok to reconcile past with present, so I can comprehend future...

What Is It?

My blood is running ice cold and tiny pin pricks, shivers, are running up and down my spine. Butterflies are in my stomach, fluttering away, threatening to bring up breakfast. Oh Lawd! I'm trying to front; pretend there's nothing wrong. Oh far from the truth that lie is!!!

Tonight, my past catches up with me. Whether it's in a good way or bad way remains to be seen. Being home, I've been confronted left and right with old demons; issues long thought to be laid to rest. Guess not. Well, I'm a man now (in theory)... time to put the big boy undies on, put away those fears, and act like I got something swinging between my thighs. "Just Do It!"

Here's the reason for my trepidation. A good friend from high school turns 40 today. Recently we were lucky enough to reconnect through Facebook. Word got back through the old neighborhood I'm home and his moms caught up with me the other day. His family generously invited me to a large soiree they're having to celebrate this milestone birthday. At first, I was like "color me there" in my attitude. We hadn't seen each other for almost a decade, had fell outta touch. But then harsh insecurity reared it's head up from the depths.

"Yo Ian. Who the hell you foolin' Ain't nobody wanna see your faggot ass!"

That stopped me cold. Really? I've been keepin' low profile here. As I've mentioned being back home in parent's home, back in the old haunt, has been less than welcoming. Too many demons decided it time to take advantage of my sitch. "He's at a low point physically, let's attack him emotionally, then he's ours." Being back in my old home, my old childhood neighborhood, where so much negative shit went down, where some much of my young spirit was traumatized... well you have to gimme a lil leeway.

Here I have a great opportunity to reconnect, at the heart of the issue remains differences. Time to "come out" once again to somebody. Sigh. So tired of having to justify or explain myself. Unfortunately, Pat is on the long list of folk who don't know the deal. Now you're probably thinkin' to yourselves, "Oh please Ian, anybody who know you gotta know by now." True dat. Naturally, I go by that assumption too. Don't most people recognize by how I talk or my mannerisms, that I'm not batting for the Philadelphia Heterosexual Ball Club? Then again, people are prone to see what they wanna see.

What shouldn't be a big deal, is for me. I've never been one to deal well with confrontation, avoid it as much as possible. The subject of how I'm attracted to shouldn't come up, but I must admit, in a sports bar filled with heterosexual straight guys, not only do I feel awkward but also intimidated as well. On a whole, I generally prefer being around women and other gay/bisexual men. Old anxieties surface whenever there's prolonged exposure with straight men. I recognized most this anxiety comes from the sexual abuse, molestation and ridicule from childhood peers, and believe me, I've worked on these issues. I have. But then again, these are strange people in an unfamiliar situation. I'm nervous in the service, boys!

Oh and now I feel ashamed for feeling shamed. Internalized homophobia is such a bitch. And I don't deny having my fair share of unresolved matters concerning my sexuality, but life unfolds on a gradual process. What time it took you to get comfortable with yourselves is different from mine as will be different for someone else. Just support, lift, and edify one another as we go on this journey.

My ideal is not being surrounded in room full of most strangers. Yes, my friend Pat will be there, but then so will his wife, family, and a house of other friends, acquaintances, and associates. The demon of unworthiness is whispering in my ear, "You're stupid. You're a fraud. You're a faggot. They will laugh, judge, and ridicule you. You are reviled and unworthy to be here." I'm trying not to listen to those negatives. Gonna do my best to walk the walk and talk the talk. Gonna stare fear in the face, and as much as I wanna call to decline the invitation, I'm going...

Sigh. However, as people are prone to say, the Devil is a liar, and I'm not gonna punk out like that. Still, my fears abound. Cold, cold, COLD insecurities have always thrown monkey wrenches in my life, let it hinder me from blossoming, but no mo'! And what is there to be afraid of??? (I keep asking myself, but the nagging doubt is still there.)

Ian's Inquiry: So what do you do what doubt and insecurities step in the way. What solutions help you to find strength and courage to look fear in the face head on?

"Know Your Toil Is Not Vain.."

This afternoon caught me with my britches down and now I'm feeling a bit outta joint. What I really wanna be doing right now is grindin' up against somebody in a hot dance floor sweatin' my ass off, smokin' and drinkin' beer like crazy!

Alas, champagne and caviar dreams, sody-crackers and grape juice budget...

My mood is sinking. A slew of bad news in the mail today, enough to really make me wanna throw in the towel. Been trying to stay optimistic, be thankful, hopeful, but things continue to worsen. I'm just bummed. Now I'm worried about money even more and feel desperately alone. I might need to move back to Philly soon outta desperation. What a coup de grace for 2008, huh?

Dragging my arse back home with my tail in between my legs will do such wonders for my esteem. Joy! Why did life fall apart this year? I know everybody's going through hard times, but this sucks. I can't even inspire myself tonight. What can I do to get out of this predicament?

Simple. Keep being faithful.

Easily said. The spirit is willing, but my flesh is not weak, but tired. Shamefully, I'll admit I've shed more tears and spent more time pissed, frustrated, and confused than any other time in my life. And I know tomorrow is Sunday, just in time right? But to be honest, I don't think I can psyche myself for church tomorrow. My normal house of worship, the black church, well described the scenario there a few posts back. What's good about going to the gay church is I can be relaxed. However, my problem with "Rainbow Flag All Denominational Church" is I absolutely, absolutely, ABSOLUTELY hate the worship hymns!!!

Oh God! Now, I'm assuming my loyal brothers who read the blog have attended church once or twice in your lives. I'm also assuming you've been to churches of other denominations and ethnicity. So you know where I'm going with this. "RFADC" has the worst Christian music. I can't describe it any better without being slightly offensive. The music just doesn't do it for me. It has no soul, no life to it. How do I explain? It's contemporary yuppie Christian music, very reminiscent of Sandi Patti, Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith. Ewww....

When I give my praise, I wanna sing stuff coming from my soul. I'm used to hearing moanin' and groanin', the powerful shouts for Pastor to "Preach it!", the wonderfully inspiring music...the drums, bass, piano, and organ. I'm used to folks gettin' happy; folks being so moved the Holy Ghost they'll run up and down the aisles. Used to the old mothers yelling "Hallelujah!" or "Yes Jesus!"every 15 seconds or somebody sayin' "I know that's right" when they agreed with the pastor. "Rainbow Church" ain't got none of that! It's well mannered, well organized, nothing too outta place. It's not a bad church though.

The main reason I attend "Rainbow" from time to time is the Pastor gives good inspirational messages. Her sermon last week touched my heart. It was warm and comforting being in the presence of God with other individuals who share my so-called tarnished mark.

So I'm faced with a dilemma. I have three choices. Go to "Rainbow," go to "Black Folks Chuuuuch," or stay home and get my own praise on here. Hm? At this point, I really want the latter, but I know I need to chose one of the former. Dunno what's gonna happen. We'll see tomorrow morn I guess.

Wake Up, Wake Up, Wake Up!

It's Monday morning...again. Yeah, it's unavoidable, so make the most of it. Here's a little incentive for ya to get outta bed (perhaps to stay in bed)!

Took the weekend off from blogging or doing much of anything. Needed time to decompress. Feelin' more relaxed, I'm a little more in touch, so it's time to get wit' the program! Get a new game plan in place. Let's see how long this attitude lasts. Here's a thought, stay positive.

My thought this morning, be kind to one another, say a nice word to someone, and encourage, uplift, and support! A little kindness goes a long way. I'm gonna try to keep an open mind and heart today.

Where Is You? Where Is You At?

I've become too complacent with life lately, like I'm not living up to the challenge.

I'm not sure how to put into words what I'm thinking, I just know something seems to be missing. Perhaps it's time for a change of venue? Do I need to move to the big city again? Not sure. I do better in smaller communities, but living in New York, DC, Charlotte, Atlanta, some place large, would definitely put forth new opportunities. However, this would require stepping out of the box, outside of my comfort zone.

In order to grow and further expand my horizons, I need to be prepared to do difficult and uncomfortable changes. I'd like a better relationship to the communities I connect with and in my current situation, I'm left wanting. I don't like changes though. Yet life is too short to live in fear. And on that matter, what is it I'm afraid of? True independence? Success? Being alone? Ridicule for failure? Maybe all the above.

Change is necessary. Change is good. With God all things are possible if we truly believe, right? Perhaps this is a test of faith? Something to think and pray on in the days ahead.

Evening's Song

Listening to the chirping of crickets, grasshoppers, and other things that go bump in the night, I ponder where summer went? 2008 seems to be making a beeline for the history books, doesn't it? But as the old folks used to say, "enjoy each moment, each day while you're young. Life will start to go by quickly as the years pass." True.

The evenings are often my most reflective times. Winding down from the day, everything I coulda and shoulda done haunts me. I suppose everyone else gets like this too, huh?

Now it doesn't mean I get all maudlin or morose. No, not at all, but I might chastise myself for missed opportunities. But as my friend Marv is often fond of saying, "Regret is like peeing on yourself. It's messy and it serves no real purpose." Again, true. So true.

This evening, I'm thinking of Grace and Providence. Instead of being too wrapped up in things I cannot control, I accept the things I can, and thank God for blessings He has given me. The situation could always be worse. Life turns on a dime and nothing is guaranteed. I'm learning to be thankful for what I have right here, right now. When I stop and think, I have everything I need right now. Yeah, I might not have all that I want, but God has provided everything I need.
Besides, to quote my mum, "You're old enough to not let your warns hurt you."

I can tell I'm getting older. I keep quoting the wisdom that irritated me as a youth! Perhaps it means I'm on the right path after all. My daddy used to say"Tomorrow is never promised to anyone. Live for today, save for tomorrow." Meaning take advantage of what you have in the moment. Don't wait for that magical someday for everything to be perfect...

Yeah, I'm rambling, but it makes sense in my head. Maybe you catch my drift and understand where I'm comin' from tonight? If so, these words are meant to inspire you as much as myself.

Spiritual Self-Exposure

My decision to blog has perhaps been of the best decisions I've ever made. I got some wonderful responses to last night's post and I feel loved and embraced. Putting myself out there, being verbally naked, is risky, but I gain insight from your comments and feedback.

Additionally, as I venture out on the 'Net, I'm discovering more blogs written by Black men, who seem to share some of my own experiences. I don't feel alone so much anymore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I didn't live in Hooterville, Pennsylvania, maybe I'd be able to connect more with other out gay/SGL Black men. You're right. But this corner of Central PA has become home. Moving to a large urban community is not in the cards. Sure, I love Baltimore and DC (the jury is out on my hometown. Too much craziness going on back in Philly) but I've expanded and have grown so much more, by leaps and bounds. I feel unique, not just another queer clone.)

A highlight I also want to mention is another blog I discovered by Toddy English. Many of his points are what I'm feelin' or have felt before. Check his blurb out and tell me what you think.

http://toddyenglish.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/45/

Gay? What Of It?

The blog has become a bit of sleazy and immature lately, I admit it. Why? Simply put, I haven't felt like being a grown up these past few months nor deal with adult issues. Well, that's about to change.

I've been doing some self-inspection and I've some house cleaning to do. Fear, shame, and embarrassment have caused me to lapse into some 38-year-old adolescent and its annoying the crap out of me. Yeah, one too many birthday post to celebrities. I'm getting back to the basics and write about issues going on within the mind. This will be a personal challenge because resolving issues from youth is quintessential to moving to the next level.

More this week as I tap into my grey matter....

Checked out a few blogs this morning. I added a few more to the Blog Roll. One of my new faves is Living Out Loud With Darian. He seems to put into words, more eloquently, all the commentary I wish I could blog about properly. His is a superb blog.

On Darian's blog I saw a post that BET has a new website addressing the Black Gay community. I had to laugh at his thoughts on the "Suspect Your Man's Gay?" questionnaire. Except for two things, I must not be gay. Yes, I have the shifty eyes. Yes, I have strange men on my MySpace page. The remaining eight questions (the last asks if you've talked things over), is soooo not me.

I get ready in 20 minutes (only because it take 15 to motivate my butt to get ready), I detest the Oprah Winfrey Show nor am I enamored by her (I've strong opinions about Oprah most people would disagree with). I'm not one to give exceeding fashion compliments. And I hate glamor shows, like Beauty Pageants, with a passion! Ugh! Hate is not a strong enough word. For that matter I hate any award shows. I've never been into the Golden Globes, Oscar's, Emmy's, American Music, MTV Music & Video, or BET Music Awards. I can't stand 'em! I'd rather have bamboo shoved under my finger nails or give myself a paper cut than be force to watch shit like that.

Like Darian, I agree BET's little questionnaire is a tad bogus. However, they are attempting shore up a connection to the Black SGL/LGBT community, with is to be commended. BET is at least making an effort. It will do some good in the long run.

As for other matters going on, well, there is much internal angst, strife, and loneliness. Not the depressing loneliness, but the separation loneliness one feels when you feel excluded. I'm, still, searching for my niche in this world and I don't think I've found my groove yet. At 38, I never anticipated my life would be so unsettled as it seemingly appears now; when I was in my teens and 20s the sky was the limit. Today, every turn seems like a greater hurdle to cross.

I've too many regrets, too many shames. Too many unwise decisions made in youth. Bad decisions that continue to placate personal enrichment. Yet, I continue to persevere. Giving up is not an option. I may get depressed, down, lonely, and low. Sure I might not be the most poplar guy on the block. And yes, people are definitely hatin' on me, but I'm not out for the count. This year has proven better days are a'comin. Sometimes you just have to wait for them though. I'm reminded of Shirley Caeser's "You're Next In Line For A Miracle" whenever I feel worn out. Lately, I've given that track repeated play after play on my CD player and iPod...

Mother, I'm A Homo-Flirt!

OK. So R. Kelly wrote the song "I'm A Flirt" him and women, but I personally like to think the song is my mantra when I'm dining out and a hot guy comes my way!

Whenever I'm out at a restaurant or any other place where someone has to wait upon my ass, shower me with oodles of kindness and affection. I absorb it. I love it!

Yesterday, Mother's Day, my family took dear ole mum out to dinner, like thousands of other Americans. Even though we had reservations, we had to wait because the restaurant was so full. Mind you, my family is not a patient group. The complaining was outrageous! Once we were seated though, things got better. Just. Then our waiter came over and made the whole experience worth the waiting, bitching, griping, and complaining. Our waiter, Gabe!

OMG! No description I could give would give this hot Latino Papi justice! He had just about all those stunning qualities I like in a man. Nice smile, gentle masculine voice, beautiful eyes, decent Afrocentric-Latinesque hairstyle, neatly groomed facial (both mustache &goatee), and an ass you could bounce a roll of quarters on. DAAAAYUM! He was too phiiine!

I had difficulty restraining myself the whole even. Each time he came to my side of the table, I was an adolescent all over again, goofy, awkward, and all googly eyed. If my family didn't pick up on the homo-vibe then, they never will. He was kind and nice. My friends know I thoroughly enjoy decent service when I dine out. (Perhaps I get off on the whole subservience thing? But, hey! Wait on me properly, I tip very handsomely!)

At the end of the meal, I was sad to go. Since I'm still not out to the family, I dare not ask for any personal information. At least I was able to capture a photo of him on my cellphone. Unfortunately, my dad's in the picture too, or else I'd post the picture here.

I can't say I was too subtle during dinner. It might initiate future conversations. Perhaps. I seriously don't feel like opening the conversation. I know. It's bull and cowardice, but you don't know my family. Once the conversation occurs, I need to be steadfast and able to deal with the backlash. Shit will come down the Pike. Right now, I'm relying on my family heavily because I can't entirely support myself being on disability. My friends are all in financial woes too, so asking them for help only can go so far.

Don't worry. The topic will be broached soon enough. After dinner, everyone came back to my house and we had dessert and coffee. I purposely did not put away any questionable materials like my copies of the Advocate or Clik Magazine. Nor did I hide my books by E. Lynn, Rodney, Jerome, Bob Smith, David Sedaris, Thomas Michael Ford, or any other gay authors. They only needed to go upstairs in the bedroom, what would've raised an eyebrow, with my (tasteful) nude male art on the walls.

Ah, someday. I did have one moment of remorse and guilt though when the after dinner topics started on children. My ex-wife and I never had children and at this point, I think that opportunity has knocked on someone else's door. There's still a chance I s'pose. I'm only 38. Course all my friends with kids say I'm crazy. Hester and Raymundo (the Husband formerly known as Bruce) say there's no way they could start having kids now. E.J., Leoben, Tamodi, and Brother Soul-man all concur.

So what's a middle-aged same gender lovin' homo to do? Aw, let's not let this deflate the wind from my sails. I can honestly report Gabe was kind enough to give the impression he was flirting right back. I don't want to be delusional though. Since I didn't have any of my queer posse or Girl Fridays with me, I can't be 100% positive. If he was flirting back, good. The notion definitely picks up my self esteem, which has been in the toilet for some time now.

Only one thing to do, then. Schedule a dinner date with the fags and the hags, and head on back to the Trattoria....

May Day, May Day, May Day

Well, I came to my crossroads today and appear to be standing at an impasse. At least it seems that way.

I'm in a negative place. While health concerns are easing up, financial worries are increasing. Due to circumstances, I'm faced with the possibility of early retirement. Retirement? At 38? Wow. Sure, I joke about wanting to retire, but the reality of the situation is absurd! Appalling even. However, given what my physicians are telling me, it's necessary. It doesn't have to be permanent, but at least for the remainder of 2008. Merde. Shit.

This is getting out of control.

Nothing is too big God can't handle though. In this situation, I need to relinquish pride, and let Him take control. Time to swallow waaaaaaay too much pride. My ego feels I'm taking several steps backward. I don't wanna say I'm defeated, but the feeling is there. Ain't it funny how life turns on a dime? One thinks they're prepared for any given situation, until boom, it happens. This is where I am.

My emotions are raw. Everything is a combination of nervousness, fear, humiliation, shame, embarrassment, and insecurity. Throw in financial woes, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a fear of letting go, and you've my goulash of emotional unsteadiness.

Ironically, today is May 1st, "May Day." Hmph. Yeah, May Day is a celebration of spring, but is also another call for distress. There's some bailing out to do. I'm in distress right now. Help! The full impact didn't encroach until I filled my gas tank after leaving physical therapy, then I just lost it. I haven't needed to fill my tank for weeks since I wasn't driving. Gas here is about $ 3.65/gallon for regular. Ugh! Watching the cost creep higher and higher was nauseating. (I really don't see how people who commute long distances are managing.) On top of that, my car is due for State Inspection tomorrow. There's a real possibility I'll need new tires. Normally, it'd be feasible. Now, money is extremely tight. Can I afford tires??? I'll have too. Volfpax (my car's nickname. Don't ask, long story) won't pass inspection if they're needed and don't get 'em.

Nevertheless, I need to follow my own advice. God will make a way. I need to see the virtue and good in every negative situation. There are lessons to be learned here. Yet, when something cuts so close to home, to where you live, being optimistic is troublesome. The established status quo has gone out the door. My hierarchy of needs have changed and insecurities are magnified to the Nth degree. Trust in my faith, though, I will. I need to leave all these concerns in His capable hands. Just leave 'em there. He'll do the rest. Sigh.

Remember, this too shall pass.

I've been in worse situations. Handled worse. My circle of friends could easily recount extended examples where life was ass-kickin' but we managed through. I cite the lean, mean, college years, living literally penny to penny. With help, I made it then, I can now. I've grown too accustomed to being independent and self-sufficient. Reminder to self, there's no shame in the game asking for help when you truly need it. Let pride go, brother...

I appreciate my friends and family who took time to encourage me. Thanks.
-Darktomahawk

Arrrrgh!

Smoking vewry vewry BAAAAAAAD! No cigarette!

'Tis You I Sought, Now Myself I Seek

Evenings go so quickly, while days seem to drag on indefinitely...what's wrong with this picture? Life is about balance, not inequality, though the contrary may appear to be true.

I worked extra hours tonight, went to the grocery store, ate dinner, read, and now am sitting down to blog. Again, I'm delaying posting several thoughts written by hand to type when I have more time. There is no real sense of urgency, yet, I did want to share several of my personal experiences regarding race and growing up a person of color. Not sure why some of these posts have become requisite to publish, but in truth, its all apart of communicating the things deep inside, reaching out, and absolving myself of guilt and shameful issues which have been hindrances.

My mood is light, my thoughts unusually passionate. I can't explain where these emotions seed from. There's no one special on the peripheral radar, not since I tanked any notion Myjah would come around. We still talk, unlike Napoleon and I. Myjah makes an effort to be friendly and congenial where Napoleon has been selfish, arrogant, and a huge bore. We last talked a week ago, when he announced he had a new boyfriend. It's all about materialism and the outward appearence with Naps. Friendship are sometimes only for a season or two. I think I'm quickly out growing the need to keep him in my life. The immaturity is workin' and pullin' me down.

Like the rest of the parade of men to travel in and out of Darktomahawk's world, when the apex is reached with Napoleon, I will be blessed. Each man has had some lesson divined towards my quest. My friendship with Napoleon gave me a sense of security for a time, put love in my heart and proved the value, that I could love and want to settle down with someone on a permanent basis. He opened the door to feelings I hid too long; refused to allow myself to experience. Now at the conclusion of our friendship (looks that way with our current cold war status) I worry about the next stage in the game. Who's next before I reach Nirvana?

Coming to terms with self-identity, whether it be sexually, racially, physically, or emotionally is never an easy quest. Yet, I feel good (at least today) on the path I've travel thus far. I still have many footfalls to travel before I reach my destination, and from there even, a new journey will begin. Life is just several different journeys until we take out last breath. Never stop searching for what you can achieve. Enlightenment is out there, it'll just take time to find it....