Seasons Of A Man's Life.

I'm tired of the rain... I'm tired of fall already. In a lonely space, in a lonely time. Hopin' times passes quickly.

Sinner's Prayer

I borrowed this from Thaddeus because I'm in a spot this morning...

My Sinner's Prayer:

A man in chains, by choices I have made, good and bad, still they remain. So I wait...to see how it lays...this bed of debts and promises I made. I'm a man in pain, looking back on the past...Lord may the good outweigh the bad. Well either way, I cannot stay, I know I'll have to leave it all behind some day. But on that day, hope that I can look you in the face.

Lord hear my prayer. May your grace find me there as I bow down. May your mercy abound.

the fat lady (man really) is about to sing...

no pretty pictures tonight. no capitalization. hell maybe even no proofreading. today has sucked, pure and simple. i'm still reeling from my embarrassing moment from earlier and not happy with myself. i'm perfectly mortified and really wanna crawl in a hole and the earth plowed over me. one thing is clear, i'm soooo done with any attempting to get the things i want. so if they're meant to be, somebody else will have to hand them to me on a silver platter, and we all know the chances of that happening. i really do grow weary of struggling and failing.

grumpy? yes i am. disappointed? you know it! ashamed? to the core. i don't know how i can bring myself to speak to the guy again because i feel like such an asshole. and i was thinking we were on the same wavelength...shah. fucking idiot i am. i told ya, bad homo. bad homo am i.

i officially resign and am giving up. well maybe not, but its what i'm feeling currently. tired. tired. and more fucking tired of jumping through hoops looking for what everyone else has, stupid companionship. finding a mate sucks!

stillness..

It's gonna be a long night folks...

Tidbits, Part One: Smokeless & Eating

Note: I started this post eaaaaaaaaarly this morning when I wasn't in a very good mood. Be forewarned, I'm a bit bitchy, but purging some inner daemons!!! Just wait. I split this into two parts....

So, it's after three in the morning, and here I sit on the laptop, worried, tired, confused, stressed, and bereft. Why not go back to bed? Because I can't sleep. Or rather, because sleep is done with me. I sleep in weird intervals, usually its about three hours at a time, so your truly is up for the duration.

Following up with my earlier post from yesterday afternoon, 'tis true, I've been sad. However, not just, I've also been extremely irritated. Rotating between emotions for the last several weeks. frustration is boiling over. Things came to a climax Sunday after a discussion with Brother Jarrell on how hectic things at home have been. In addition, I have a tendency to heap the worlds problems on my own shoulders. The recent deaths of the young men who committed suicide, the young man found disposed in a garbage dumpster, and all the unfairness mainstream society is attempting to thrust upon the LGBT community, well my heart is just in a bad place.

To his credit, our blogging brother Corey is a saint. Or at least God sent, honest and trule. I had a meltdown on brother, enough so to scare even the most patient of Saints. Surprised dude didn't go running for the hills, but Mr. Jarrell has proven himself to be a reliable and trustworthy friend. Kudos for him.

Since coming home from hospital, my parents have cared for me so might heal better this go round. We wanna nip all this in the bud and be done with it. Btu things never seem to go according to plan, at least not in my life. My family has been supportive, but they don't understand the mess I'm experiencing. It's difficult being here, back in Philly, back home, relying on others again. I'm used to my independence, but that doesn't mean I can't ask for help, but rather I want the help that doesn't come with restriction, or price tags.

All the rules! I have to laugh here because it seems like I'm 15 all over again. Can't do this after certain hour, must do this before this particular hour, lights out at this hour... Are you serious?!?! I'm almost 40. If I want to read or talk on my cell, that's my business. If I surf the 'Net for more than an hour, which I tend to do because mobility is an issue, well that's fine. I'm not hurtin' you am I? Sheesh! Let's call a spade a spade, being here sucks. The old saying "You can't go home again" rings sooooooo true.

Not to sound ungrateful, I'm happy someone took compassion to help me, believe me. My folks are extending a generosity and compassion not many people would extend to their children who're almost 40. And believe me, I've read in-between the lines with some comments. I am a grown ass man, why the help can't I can't take care of myself, right? That subtle unstated sentiment looms heavy in the air, I know. It's not just my parent though, so let's give them a little slack. But my parents are well known for their criticism and constant remarks on other people's lives and what folk should and shouldn't be doing. Christ. Living here, life is constant examination under the microscope.

An example. Shortly before going in hospital, I decided now was as good of time as ever to quit smoking once and for all. It's a nasty habit and in the long run I'll be thankful. But the road hasn't been easy and I'm having cravings still after several weeks. Well, like most folks who quit, I've developed a lil bit of an appetite. Dear sweet "mumsy" has decided to lay into about my eating habits, questioning where do I put it all, blah blah blah blah.

Now, I should mention that I am a thicker brother. It's in my genes. Unfortunately, I didn't inherit the "tall" traits from my mama's people and got stuck with the heavier, big boned genes from my daddy's Southern peeps! Frag! Hard to believe this child here started out life at less than 6 pounds when I was born.

Life has been a struggle to maintain an appropriate weight. It's oh-so-damn-easy to fall off the wagon, but I don't wanna be grossly obese or not cute anymore, so I do my best to work on things. Besides, you know gay men are more shallow than a little bit, so I'm not trying gain anymore girth than necessary. To that end though, I will ashamedly admit, I do have poor self-image, reinforced by the voices over 39 years how I was too this or too that. Tends to work on a guy af'er while. dealing with the residual negative self-esteem issues from childhood hasn't been fun in life. I don't enjoy discussing it. That's part of the reason why you probably won't see too many pictures of me on this blog. I simply hate how I look...but that's an even longer story.

To be completely forthcoming, weight issues are a hot mess with me. It's a colossal pain in the ass. I manage to go workout or exercise, but the shit has never been anything but a burden, never fun. And to that end, I recognize I will never look like a model, never have washboard abs, or be the one turnin' head. Such is life. Like the best of us, I take it in stride until somebody gets up in my grill about things, then, "Houston we have a problem."

Whenever anyone questions or challenges my behavior involving weight, foot, or eating, I get defensive or withdrawn, depending on where my head is at. And yeah, I've been known to stop eating too. Don't mess with the bulimic behavior too much though. (That scares the crap outta me, but shallow, sick part of me thinks I'd rather be a thin and sexy than some vile vilified hog.)

Dealing with post operation stress, the craving for nicotine has increased tenfold. All I wanna do is escape into the backyard and toke on some toxic chemicals. Yeah, I know smoking is probably the worst of habits, but it was my thang. I do and don't miss it at the same time. I don't miss running to the convenience store in the wee hours for a pack nor the price of a pack, but I do miss the tranquil comfort it gave, even if I did smell like an ashtray. At least I never smoked in the house! That was my rule. If I wanted a damn thing bad enough, then come snow, sleet, cold, dark of night, warmth and heat of summer, outside on the deck I was...

Ghosts

I'm sad folks. Been really down for the last few weeks, just been doing the fake it till I make it routine, trying to fill the void with inconsequential things, but to be honest, everything makes me feel that much more depressed. Part of it is post-op depression, I'm sure. But a large portion probably has to do with being back in the home I grew up in with so many ghosts from the past haunting me at every turn of the corner...

I'll blog more this afternoon. I feel I need to immerse myself in Gayte-Keeper and Corey's blogs to cheer me. The Creator bless the both of them...Gayte-Keeper always speaks with the wisdom of a sage and Corey is just a good soul, like the brother I never had who has taken the time to listen when I'm going through muh changes. And chile, there's plenty these days.

*Sigh* Lord willing I'll have the mnotivation to pen thoughts later, right now, I'm crawling under the covers and playing hiding and seek with life.

-Ian

Grumpy Gretel

I'm not feelin' it today, I'm not. Yesterday was beautiful, as is today, but I'm really in-between emotions. Not sure why, probably old issues raring up since I'm in the home I grew up in. You know? Those damn unresolved childhood issues? What a bitch.

I could sit here and rehash all that I'm feelin, but what's the point. You've read it before and do you really care. Nah, neither do I. I should actually be reading. I got several inspirational motivational books not long ago, Iyanla Vanzant's Up From Here: Reclaiming the Male Spirit, Hill Harper's Letter's to a Young Brother, and Spencer Johnson's Peaks and Valleys. I feel like reading none of it. I'm not motivated to get motivated. Does that make sense?

Just one of my somber-bitch moments I'm hoping. Disillusioned with life, feeling way left behind, trying to play catch up with the clock ticking. Doesn't make sense I got here, have no clear solution to getting outta here either.

"Know Your Toil Is Not Vain.."

This afternoon caught me with my britches down and now I'm feeling a bit outta joint. What I really wanna be doing right now is grindin' up against somebody in a hot dance floor sweatin' my ass off, smokin' and drinkin' beer like crazy!

Alas, champagne and caviar dreams, sody-crackers and grape juice budget...

My mood is sinking. A slew of bad news in the mail today, enough to really make me wanna throw in the towel. Been trying to stay optimistic, be thankful, hopeful, but things continue to worsen. I'm just bummed. Now I'm worried about money even more and feel desperately alone. I might need to move back to Philly soon outta desperation. What a coup de grace for 2008, huh?

Dragging my arse back home with my tail in between my legs will do such wonders for my esteem. Joy! Why did life fall apart this year? I know everybody's going through hard times, but this sucks. I can't even inspire myself tonight. What can I do to get out of this predicament?

Simple. Keep being faithful.

Easily said. The spirit is willing, but my flesh is not weak, but tired. Shamefully, I'll admit I've shed more tears and spent more time pissed, frustrated, and confused than any other time in my life. And I know tomorrow is Sunday, just in time right? But to be honest, I don't think I can psyche myself for church tomorrow. My normal house of worship, the black church, well described the scenario there a few posts back. What's good about going to the gay church is I can be relaxed. However, my problem with "Rainbow Flag All Denominational Church" is I absolutely, absolutely, ABSOLUTELY hate the worship hymns!!!

Oh God! Now, I'm assuming my loyal brothers who read the blog have attended church once or twice in your lives. I'm also assuming you've been to churches of other denominations and ethnicity. So you know where I'm going with this. "RFADC" has the worst Christian music. I can't describe it any better without being slightly offensive. The music just doesn't do it for me. It has no soul, no life to it. How do I explain? It's contemporary yuppie Christian music, very reminiscent of Sandi Patti, Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith. Ewww....

When I give my praise, I wanna sing stuff coming from my soul. I'm used to hearing moanin' and groanin', the powerful shouts for Pastor to "Preach it!", the wonderfully inspiring music...the drums, bass, piano, and organ. I'm used to folks gettin' happy; folks being so moved the Holy Ghost they'll run up and down the aisles. Used to the old mothers yelling "Hallelujah!" or "Yes Jesus!"every 15 seconds or somebody sayin' "I know that's right" when they agreed with the pastor. "Rainbow Church" ain't got none of that! It's well mannered, well organized, nothing too outta place. It's not a bad church though.

The main reason I attend "Rainbow" from time to time is the Pastor gives good inspirational messages. Her sermon last week touched my heart. It was warm and comforting being in the presence of God with other individuals who share my so-called tarnished mark.

So I'm faced with a dilemma. I have three choices. Go to "Rainbow," go to "Black Folks Chuuuuch," or stay home and get my own praise on here. Hm? At this point, I really want the latter, but I know I need to chose one of the former. Dunno what's gonna happen. We'll see tomorrow morn I guess.

May Day, May Day, May Day

Well, I came to my crossroads today and appear to be standing at an impasse. At least it seems that way.

I'm in a negative place. While health concerns are easing up, financial worries are increasing. Due to circumstances, I'm faced with the possibility of early retirement. Retirement? At 38? Wow. Sure, I joke about wanting to retire, but the reality of the situation is absurd! Appalling even. However, given what my physicians are telling me, it's necessary. It doesn't have to be permanent, but at least for the remainder of 2008. Merde. Shit.

This is getting out of control.

Nothing is too big God can't handle though. In this situation, I need to relinquish pride, and let Him take control. Time to swallow waaaaaaay too much pride. My ego feels I'm taking several steps backward. I don't wanna say I'm defeated, but the feeling is there. Ain't it funny how life turns on a dime? One thinks they're prepared for any given situation, until boom, it happens. This is where I am.

My emotions are raw. Everything is a combination of nervousness, fear, humiliation, shame, embarrassment, and insecurity. Throw in financial woes, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a fear of letting go, and you've my goulash of emotional unsteadiness.

Ironically, today is May 1st, "May Day." Hmph. Yeah, May Day is a celebration of spring, but is also another call for distress. There's some bailing out to do. I'm in distress right now. Help! The full impact didn't encroach until I filled my gas tank after leaving physical therapy, then I just lost it. I haven't needed to fill my tank for weeks since I wasn't driving. Gas here is about $ 3.65/gallon for regular. Ugh! Watching the cost creep higher and higher was nauseating. (I really don't see how people who commute long distances are managing.) On top of that, my car is due for State Inspection tomorrow. There's a real possibility I'll need new tires. Normally, it'd be feasible. Now, money is extremely tight. Can I afford tires??? I'll have too. Volfpax (my car's nickname. Don't ask, long story) won't pass inspection if they're needed and don't get 'em.

Nevertheless, I need to follow my own advice. God will make a way. I need to see the virtue and good in every negative situation. There are lessons to be learned here. Yet, when something cuts so close to home, to where you live, being optimistic is troublesome. The established status quo has gone out the door. My hierarchy of needs have changed and insecurities are magnified to the Nth degree. Trust in my faith, though, I will. I need to leave all these concerns in His capable hands. Just leave 'em there. He'll do the rest. Sigh.

Remember, this too shall pass.

I've been in worse situations. Handled worse. My circle of friends could easily recount extended examples where life was ass-kickin' but we managed through. I cite the lean, mean, college years, living literally penny to penny. With help, I made it then, I can now. I've grown too accustomed to being independent and self-sufficient. Reminder to self, there's no shame in the game asking for help when you truly need it. Let pride go, brother...

I appreciate my friends and family who took time to encourage me. Thanks.
-Darktomahawk

Anger & Tears

Figured I'd do one more post before bed. No pictures tonight, just words. It's bitterly cold outside tonight, winds blowing somethin fierce outside. Good night to be under the covers with the electric blanket on. Good night for a nice novel. I've got several waiting for me.

Blog posts might be lite for the next few days while I reassess where I want the Axe to go. I realize some posts have been deeply person and heavy. I put myself out there beyond my comfort zone, now I'm feelin' a little ashamed, slightly embarrassed. Originally, I started blogging because I thought it'd be a great way to express thoughts and opinion, plus dish some eye candy on the side. I'm not feel overly creative these days, feelin' like I'm just bitching and rehashin' the same old same old. Is my blog really interesting? Really? perhaps, but my soul searching has run aground with recent road blocks and sandbars in route.

Napoleon and I have been bickering more than ever lately. Just a matter of time till we're no longer friends. I can't blame him entirely. I get impatient with him too easily. I forget he still hasn't crossed all the journeys I have. Nevertheless, I am far from shallow or materialistic. I don't judge or value someone by how much money is in their wallet or by their appearance. If I'm friends with you, developed a connection, you've touched and intrigued my mind, isn't that what life is about? An exchange of thoughts and ideas, striving for self and community improvement?

Naps has a way of makin' me feel like shit about myself in a way none of my other friends do. As I said, he's a shallow bastard, and judges quickly on personal appearance and is ill mannered. He'll quickly blurt out whatever's on his mind before thinking about ramifications. The boy is drop dead gorgeous, sure, but I wonder sometimes if he has a heart? I am by no means a pretty boy or consider myself remotely handsome. I struggle with self-esteem and image, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and show my emotions easily and often. Naps is calculating and a huge drama queen. No matter the topic, conversation, or situation, he has a way of diverting all attention and focus back to him.

Our original fight started a couple weeks ago when he started dating his new beau du jour, "Joesph." I can't stand the bastard. My mum taught me if you really can't be nice or show kindness to someone, stay away from them, which I'm doing. I've broken plans with Naps because I really don't care to spend my evening feeling bad about myself or stuck with him and Joey all glamorous, pretty, and A&F-ing about at the clubs. I'm just not in that place anymore. While I'm trying to build positive esteem, Naps seem to quickly want it dismantled. Ugh! Why? Must I be your standard of handsome to be your friend?!?!

Rejection is a bitch and a half! So on top of dealing with not feeling accepted, secure, or even attractive, I now have two or three friends actin' asinine lately. Now is when I need to rally positive enforcement, not feel like I'm some heathen troll that deserves to sit at the back of the room. We all can't be 6'2", 146 lbs, and have abs out the wazzoo. And if that is the case, what is somebody in my situation supposed to do? Sit back and accept being the friggin' sidekick? So you keep me around so I can show the world how merciful you are?!?! WTF!

"Isn't that so nice of {Napoleon}! He's being so kind to that ugly guy!" Grrrrr! Please fuck off and die. Again, if you're that shallow that I have to be the ideal, typical, stereotypical gay clone (from either the gay black or gay white community), then why am I you're friend? I don't fit into either category. I'm just me. Cut me a break!

I'll end this on one of the best quotes that comes to mind, the words from Cellie's character in the Color Purple expressed when she finally leaves with Shug from rotten ol' Mister. Nobody said it better than Whoopi Goldberg.... and thank you God, for Alice Walker, because my heart understands the words tonight.

"I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here! ..."

Napoleon Meet "Joesph"

Napoleon finally took time out of his busy schedule (emphasize the British pronunciation as "shed-dule") and called me up this evening. Seems my wayward friend has gotten involved in a new relationship.

As always with Naps, the guys appears to be some characterization of everything that is bad about the gay community, obsessed with appearance, materialistic, size queen, color obsessed... yadda, yadda, yadda! Listening to Naps describe the guy, I got nauseous , feigned another call coming through, and hung up.

I'm not ready to deal with another go round with Naps and one his boy toys playthings. Naps is too far gone into materialistic appearance and the status of guy than his heart, integrity, and real self-worth to see. He's too immature to see objectively. It bothers me too, I guess, I have residual feelings for Napoleon. I still love him, but recognize a relationship with him would be disastrous. To my credit, I've been able to cut myself off from him sexually (no more booty calls between us in the 0-8!) This has probably placed a strain on our friendship. Friends just shouldn't ever engage in casual sex. Period.

At almost 40, I have so many lessons to learn. Adolescence doesn't end when you hit 20. No, I'm suffering from a post 30 adolescence which is wreaking havoc on my emotions. My intellect tells me to steer clear of Naps on certain days, but his pull can be difficult, and I always mange to entangle myself in his dramas.

I want no parts of this new found situation he's gotten himself into. The shit will blow up in his face, he'll come to me looking for love and support, and I have a feeling my resolve will weaken, and we'll end up sleeping with each other again. God help us all if happens again. I'm too old to be creepin' around, dammit!

Given my own poor choices in men, Myjah, Napoleon, etc, I don't trust my own sensibility not to get back into another foolhardy romance. I've been struggling with my own sense of "attractiveness" and desirability and seeing the man, men (Myjah included), I care about and want to be with involved in other ventures, whether it be another man or the church, tugs at my heartstrings and destroys my self-worth.

I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be brokenhearted, get swept away by libido, this year. I was gonna be patience, wait on God to give me what I need, not what I want. Frustration is challenging because I've been out of the circuit for too long. Like any other gay man, any other man period, reaching mid life, I want to achieve certain goals and objectives before I leave this planet. I'm not asking for the perfect man, just the perfect man for me.

None of this has to do with sex either, although it wouldn't hurt for a decent shag with someone stable every once and a while.!

I've been back on the abstinence wagon for a few weeks, but I still have a healthy sexual appetite, and like any able bodied male, some days you just need to lay it all down and kick it with somebody you love. As I get closer to my birthday, I'm more pessimistic love will walk through more door anytime soon. Yes ,I know, patience is a virtue, but when you've been deprived, where do you turn besides a cheap one-night stand situation? Sister Rosie and sisters get old after awhile. Besides none of them can caress, love, cuddle, or speak tenderly in the night to you, just take the edge off for a little while.

Am I just naive or wanting too much? Shouldn't everybody have the one before they die? Not that I'm dying or anything, but loneliness is a bitch and a half!

Blog Rewind (Unposted Blurb)

While not a part of my Tribe Of One series, this does parallels those thoughts to some degree. I wrote this post last week, sometime, either Monday or Tuesday, and had intended to publish it last Wednesday, but the icy mix came and then life skidded to a halt for several days. The post was to be entitled "This Is What You Need." Rereading segments, reminds me I need to listen to my own advice...

This is What You Need

Sometimes I'm a little too old school in my habits. I'm not one to deviate from a trained path easily. Perhaps this is a failing in my persona, but familiarity is far too easier than attempting to change. OK, this sounds bad, at least typing resonates uneasy feeling within. This might explain why my life occasionally derails and gets out of commotion.

I wonder. Is change as difficult for everyone? Apparently not. My friend EJ seems perfectly adaptable for any given situation change, flexible enough to roll with the punches and go with the ebb and flow. Hmm. How? Why? Well, he reads the Axe, so perhaps he'll be able to answer my query, but it seems enigmatic how some can go to one moment to the next, with little to no regard with changes. They simply accept it and gaily move forward. But how????

For me, life has been about learning to avoid change to avoid painful situations, even though the lack of change propagates discomfort and refuels a perpetual cycle of agonizing moments. Yet changing how I respond to crisis is difficult. Is not, then , the definition of insanity repeating the same behaviors and expecting different results?

OK, sure. We all have hurt at one time or another. We've all experience moments of sheer torture and embarrassment. So what do you do to get over it? Change behavior, right? Something so easily said is not necessarily easily done. Routine and familiarity are extremely comforting, more so than to risk taking a chance on the unknown. Life is scary, dammit! No one wants fo at it alone. When I was younger, I had the surroundings of my family and friends to help me through tough times. Now, as an adult, I still have family and friends, but most often I've been east into the belly of the beast, off to face Grendel on my own, armed only with a knife and folk as my weapons. Ah, yes.

Of course I still have the love and support from friends and family, but they also have their won lives and responsibilities. My friends, in part, all have families of their own to nurture and care for. Husbands. Wives. Children. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Dogs. Cats. I have to sometimes wait in a long line holding a ticket for their attention. Yeah, I know, at 37 perhaps how it should be. I should be self-reliant enough to manage on my own. Yet, living alone, sans partner to call my own, I feel old age, hark middle age, setting in all too quickly. Eek! Mid-life crisis alert!

It's said men in their 30s begin to experience a crisis moment around 33-34 and have them about every five years or so, thereafter. Some are mild cases. Some become prolonged, full blown over the top moments, stirring the status quo. So far, I've been lucky. I've only had minor crises in my life. I'm due for a major episode some day soon. Be afraid, be very afraid...

Life has given me what I needed. God has been kind. Satan has been cruel and dastardly as per usual. Lately feeling alone, frightened, and helpless, I'm wondering when situations will fall into place where I can accept what is, what isn't, and move forward. When can I learn to change and accept it willing with a smile and like it?!?!? Will that ever happen? I hope so.

Pondering this, I'm reminded of something EJ asked me today over dinner. He asked if I ever considered dating someone who was different than me religiously. Someone, who say, perhaps is a little more conservative in their religious values than I? Without hesitation, I said "No." I'd never date anyone who was way over the top conservative Bible-Thumper. It simply wouldn't work. They'd want to fashion me into something different. Something more acceptable to what meets their standard. Sorry, no. If I'm not worthy and deserving to you as I am, right here, right now,no. I know a relationship could never work successfully.

There's a passage in the Bible that discusses about being "unequally yoked." Not until EJ posed his question, did this scripture give clearer meaning and understanding, especially to my answer. I admit, I never fully understood its meaning. I'd always believed it meant to put th Christian above the non-Christian, above everyone else, a "I'm better than you" meaning that a Christian could never deign to date someone who doesn't live up to snooty standards of living. Mind you, while I believe in God, Jesus, and the Bible, I don't necessarily call myself Christian. I believe Christ is our Salvation, but the association to other Christians, well they are too Puritanical in their thinking. They act too conservation, inflexible Republicans, and demand their way or the highway. Many have little compassion, warmth, understanding or love for others despite these ideals were central to Christ's teachings.

The concept of being unequally yoked is a protection, yes. But it is also meant to protect the non-Christian too. Why would anyone put themselves through the hardship, pain, emotional agony, spiritual conflict, to be together in a lasting romantic relationship, when their basic tenets conflict with one another? It seems moronic. I can cite too many examples of mixed religious beliefs couples that have nothing but tension to the core of their relationship. The conflict in values is just too overwhelming and overpowering. The unequally yoked passage takes up the position not just to defend the Christian lifestyle, but to shelter, no, protect others from the potential wrenching hurt, hardship, turmoil, and suffering that results from mixed matched religious pairings. Do you get what I'm saying?

Until now, I haven't mentioned him other than a passing word or two, but there is a new fella who I'm interested in. Interested in a big way. Let's just call him "Myjah," OK? It's not his real name, but close enough to it. Anyway, Myjah is different then most men I'm interested in. Scarily enough, he reminds me of EJ, but rest assured, I have no subconscious homosexual love angst for EJ. He's my friend. One of my best friends. My brother. We've known each other for 20 years and thinking about him in any sexual context creeps me out! Ewww! Like I said, he's my brother (no offense EJ, you know you all that, boy! LOL.)

Myjah. Yum. It's hard to give details when I'm purposely withholding accurate information (semi-anonymous, remember). My friends know how and where I met him. I'll leave to them to counsel me what I should do about that on-going situation. Another "don't go there" moment potentially.

Myjah is taller than me, about 6'2" and thin as Hell. I mean THIN. For those whose have been regularly readers of the Axe, you can gather the type of black men I'm attracted towards. Myjah definitely doesn't fit the bill. He's thinner than Mr. Napoleon, who definitely is one emaciated brother, in my opinion.He's dark complexion, perhaps a shade or two darker than EJ, keeps his hair cropped short, and has a cookie duster, peach fuzz, goatee, you see the younger boyz sometimes wearing. That's the most sexiest thing about him to me, that damn goatee. Mmm.

He's intelligent and has just enough "ruffneck" air about him to make him that "bad boy" type I'm always drawn to, but is level enough to has kindness and compassion to be down to Earth and smooooooth.At first, I was terribly afraid of him. Some guys, especially certain African American men, intimidate the hell out me. Why? Perhaps due to my past relationships with straight Black men. Read some of my previous posts, it's been all spelled out before. Straight Black men, those who would never cross the sexuality line, are threatened all too quickly by gay black men. I was afraid of Myjah, I guess, because past experiences in my life have taught me to be weary of men, men of any race , really, and Myjah came across as one of those boyz who taunted, harassed, and harangued me from grade school through college. Yeah, I got some deep emotional damage going on.

Don't get me wrong. I'm don't mean to overgeneralize. I don't classify every man I meet into the abuser role, I'm just apprehensive against most straight men, the group I've suffered far more abuse from than any other. Unfortunately, in my developmental and formative years, this abuse came from the hands and the mouths of young African American men, boys, really. EJ, in fact, is quite heterosexual, unequivocally so. Then again, EJ is a different than most black men and breaks many stereotypes. But no, Myjah did something to shatter my "straight fear" barrier and we've been talking up a storm ever since. What happened next was the blip on my sexual radar.

At first, Myjah didn't even ping on my gaydar. He's smooth, I've said that. It wasn't until he started letting subtle suggestions and gestures slip, that I recognized he might be gay. These subtle gestures aren't ones someone who is straight would pick up and tune into. I could be that he is straight, but at least "straight-acting" queer. Zooming in, I've been trying to ascertain hints on what the real deal is. Is he a gay black man? He doesn't project gay (please let's not get into a debate on how some projects gay, all you queers out there know what I mean). He definitely flies well under the radar if he is gay. But family always recognizes family in the end (see what I'm saying brothers and sisters!) Sometimes it just take longer to pick up on the truth.

The thing about Myjah, is if he is a gay black man, does he sublimate his sexuality through his faith and denies his sexual orientation? This is in part why I brought up the whole "Unequally Yoked" scripture reference. Myjah is religious. In one of our conversations, we discussed his heavy involvement in the Church. This made me groan! I've known far too many black men, GAY black men, "in the Church" who are "family" hiding behind the sanctity of the Faith, living in deep, deep denial. Is Myjah queer? I dunno yet, but I'm on a mission to find out. I'm certain he's gay.

He's been extremely friendly. Friendly to the point that it would appear he could be interested in me. There's no concrete proof, but a tingly gut feeling he might be interested. A gut feeling that won't go away. Now I've been down this path too many times before, mistaking people niceties as amorous advances. That is a change I'm WILLING to make because I don't wanna go on that journey again. The previous ones only lead to heartache and emotionally overwrought discomfort in unimaginable ways. I DON'T want to fall for Myjah only for the shit to backfire and blow up in my face. But yes, Yeah, I could see myself really falling for the guy.

Again, with my point, with being unequally yoked, Myjah is obviously more into his beliefs and faith than I. I've never been able to reconcile my faith and my sexuality into a cohesive whole. It's always been a one or the other type of deal. I've found that most African Americans can't reconcile homosexuality with loving Christianity either. They're anchored in belief its a sin and immoral. I won't open that can o' worm, just say I understand their thinking to a degree. I've been there. I can't bring myself to a whole on the issue. Sure I can't divorce my sexual tastes from who I am. I put faith, at least belonging to any organized Christian church, on the back burner. I don't feel comfortable in church, like others are judging me. "Poor faggot. Poor sodomite. He just hasn't surrendered his all to God yet." Maybe I haven't, but then again, you don't know how many times I've tried and failed. How many times I BEGGED God to make me "normal," to be straight like everyone else I know. Why would I choose to be different, suffer, live in anguish, to just sleep with men by a choice, to only be ridiculed and rejected??? To be a social pariah and outcast? Sexuality is not a choice!

12/17/2007 Note: This whole paragraph came back to bite in the ass in a major way on Thursday last week. When I blog about what happened, it will give a clearer understanding why I got upset because God ANSWERED that question, quite literally, plainly, and to the point. I will blog about that soon....

Realistically speaking, even if Myjah is gay, how much of a future could we have together? I'm getting way too old to be sneaking around, living my sexuality in secret because of my family. Even though I'm not out to my family, I live openly in my life I've established. My parents live two hours away from me, so there is no reason to pretend I'm straight. I don't hide my sexuality from my coworkers, friends, or associates. Yet, there's something about Myjah's faith I find troubling, that its so stronger than mine. I can't compete with that. It's a shame, though, because he seems like someone I need.

Napoleon was the first man in my life to give me acceptance and validation that I could be with another Black man, set down roots, and have a loving relationship, family, a future. Leoben, my good friend I don't talk about much on the blog (he reads this blog and because I use his real name, he'd be pissed if I talk about his fierce private life), though he's biracial, considers himself black, was the first man to teach me the value of self-acceptance as a gay black man and not to be ashamed of who I am. Yes, I still struggle with self-acceptance, but both Leoben and Napolen keep me uplifted whenever possible.

So coming full circle to where I started, what do I need? Should I take a risk, change habits, break preconceived notions, and go for Myjah? Do I allow myself to walk through the threshold of pain, guilt, and embarrassment, yet again? Then again, isn't that what love is all about? Taking chances? Taking the risk of having your heart broken? Isn't that what faith, after all, is about? Holding onto the hand of God, allowing Him to take control, guiding us into gentler, safe pastures?

I'm afraid these are all things I need. I like Myjah. I've asked God, however, that if this going to be another tortuous ordeal like the experiences I had with "Y-Not-The-I," Napoleon, Brother Soul-man, Sherrahn, Patrick, et al, to stop these feelings in their wake, now. But the thoughts haven't ceased. I honestly don't understand, don't know what to do. OK, so I still don't know exactly what I need....

12/17/2007 Note: I will reflect on this in a future post, but many of these queries and pondering got answered as I said on Thursday. Myjah's current actions may possibly be God steering him away from me. It hurts, but if this hurt will spare me the depth of pain I went through with other fellas I've been interested in, bring it on Lord! I'll deal with this pain than suffer that misery any day!

I'm OK, Thanks For Asking

Life has been so devastating lately, therefore I must apologize for not keeping up with the blog. I'm not sure where to begin or how much to reveal. I've been experiencing some epiphanies and revelations of my own. Some ironic given that its Christmastime. While one should never ignore Him, there are occasions when you can't ignore God blatantly giving a message. I've often mistaken God when He speaks to me (not literally, mind you). But last week I don't think He could've made His presence more clearer.

Events seem to be turning my life upside down. Perhaps I'm just due for another mid-life drama, which seems to happen about every two years or so. I dunno. I've written out several blog posts, intending to post each one, but none them seem to matter at the moment. I will at least post my blurb on Myjah, although it and he seem irrelevant now. He hasn't been as friendly lately and been directing awful amount of attention towards my (girl) cousin Ronnie, so I think my bubble has burst with any illusion he was interested in me. I'll fill you in more after I get thing next piece on here...

Walking Alone

I apologize in advance because I intended to post the piece I wrote about detailing issues going on with me. Things took a drastic turn today and I'm not sure what to make of things. It was one of those epiphany moments that crop up out of nowhere. Sometimes you can ignore the voice of God when He speaks loud and clear. I'm scared, confused, and bewildered. It's shook me to the core of who I am and I'm not sure how to recover at the moment. I spent all night on the phone but I didn't go in great detail about the event. I'm depressed and my Holidays aren't shaping up to be festive. The Seasonal Spirit is definitely lacking, if not hiding, this year.

I don't feel like posting much. My thoughts are focused on other things, particularly focused on Myjah. I got that feelin' for him bad, but I came to the realization today nothing will ever come about with the new infatuation. Perhaps nothing will ever come romantic for me again given what I discovered today. Its too painful to mention now. All will be clear once I can bring myself to type out my thoughts. I don't want to be a downer, but I just am in a bad way tonight. Still love and respect me though, because its what I need the most tonight. I really, really have never felt this bad before. Its scary...

Touches From Within

My posts may become a little "lite" for a while, not that I want to deprive anyone who actually takes time to read my blog, but I'm going through my little changes again, and I don't want to get too emotional and reveal the darker, passionate side of my personality, for fear of appearing overly sensitive. Sigh, yes its over a man...just keep reading.

No, please see beyond the pretty pictures, just understand my words tonight. I find that my heart is walking familiar paths and going back to all too recurring habits. The love that dare not speaks it's name is shameful for me. I am shamed, embarrassed by what doors never seem to stay closed, wishing upon too many unrealistic fantasies, tasting way too many forbidden fruits.

Pisser! Foul besotted man-child! Arrogant shit! I'm mostly annoyed at myself. When I review where I've been with love and romance over the last 20 years, perhaps 25, I'm disgusted, disgruntled, and dissatisfied. Three-D's. Annoying most of all is I allow people to figure out the core complex nature of my simple life and am aggravated when they gain power over me. Yes, I know, I gave them the power. Yet when I try to regain control, seize that which belongs to me, I am vexed by my own mechanizations.

Conversations that are really disguised as arguments, insults, words intended for someone else, apply best to my own situations. Have I learned nothing at all? Why is hurt and pain a cozy companion?

Over and over and over, I repeat the same stupid mistakes, investing in pointless and meaningless actions, resulting in the same results. Isn't that the definition of insanity, repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results?


Hmmm. It takes courage to be a man some days. It takes great feats of strength to be a homosexual man everyday. But what does it all mean?

Tonight I was compared to Loretta Devine's character in Waiting To Exhale. It wasn't meant to be a compliment. Never man enough or perhaps good enough, the veiled insult was thrown out at me, questioning my manhood, pride, and ethnicity. I'm not thuggish, too white acting, eh? So does this mean I have cash in all my bonus points for being me? Rip up my minority status card? Skip out on life because I don't meet someone's ideal of who I should be? It makes me angry, but moreover, it makes me sad because I've spent my entire life trying to prove something to others, to meet their approval, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort is given, I'm still found wanting.

I take credit that I'm not some deluded half-baked, half-breed, queer living the illusion I'm not being judged by the color of my skin or for the people who park their shoes under my bed at night. I'm not forgetting no matter who diluted my ethnicity, how far advanced we've become as a society, I will always be viewed as a nigger or a faggot by hateful people. So if I sound like some "ol' fat ghetto bitch", or some "wanna-be white boy," forgive the fuck out of me for not living up to your standards!

I'm sorry I can't be more homogenized into your scheme of things. Really. Forgive me if age has grounded me into a disposition where I'm more pessimistic than optimistic. Excuse the shit out of me when I hear you say how wonderful your life is compared than mine, that I chuckle, and mutter to myself 'your life is a waste, just one train wreck after another.' Oh don't I sound like a bitch now???

I may be many things: fat, ugly, dumb, white acting, delusional, naive, immature, crazy, emotional, neurotic, and insecure, but at least I'm grounded enough to know reality and truth.

What are the things in your life that really matter? Hm? Tell me oh spoiled, pompous, better than the rest us, brat-man! What do you really know what it means to be alive and living in the real world???? Drinking, fucking, and smokin' illegal substances ain't it, buddy boy! Obsessing over your appearance isn't gonna help when you've (if you do) reached my age and beyond. Grow da fuck up, asshole! Someone's gonna look at you with pity in their eyes someday too. Youth is fleeting. Recognize it now.

I accept the negative things about myself, despite not liking them, I don't need constant validation repeatedly from others to justify my self-worth (OK, sometimes I do, but I can live without the rubber-stamp if I don't get it ALL the time)! I don't need expensive baubles and fancy gas guzzling cars to prove I'm a success.

I may not have all that I want, but I have all that I need. I have people who delight, love, and care about my well-being. I created a family who cares, and despite your interference, I plow on daily, knowing I will rise above adversity. I may die penniless, unattractive, alone, and unsatisfied emotionally, but I know in my journey, I had moments of peace, hope, and truth. Genuine realness. Passion so deep, you'd never understand its complexity. I had solid and concrete, trustworthy friendships.

I never had the love of a lifetime, perhaps never will, and certainly not from your funky overrated ass, but I know the snakes in my Eden. Do you know yours???? And still, in a dysfunctional moment of weakness, I will whisper, ever so softly, I do today, and always will, love you! Damn you, you arrogant bastard! Yes, I love you!

Fucked up, ain't I?

Not Gonna Be The Same

Three are some changes, that even though you know they're coming and you have advance notice, you still can't help feeling devastated when the moment finally arrives. Today I realized something in my life is about to change in a major way, something I'm not prepared for. I had foreknowledge this day was coming, but it was relegated to the back of my mind. Like a train, it hit me full on, full impact this evening. Things are not gonna be the same from here on out. Oh it'll be OK in the long run, but for now I might be posting a little less than I had been. I'm not sure how I feel tonight.

Fortunately I'm going out to dinner with friends and will have that distraction for an hour, two, or three. I can come home then, watch Avatar: The Last Airbender, then go to bed and sleep. Alas, my life is taking shape and I have more answers in one moment in time, then I've had in weeks. When some doors close, they just don't close, they slam shut, hard, never to be opened again. Have I reached such an impasse?

Simply Just Here

I wanted to post to the blog since I hadn't for a few days. Really haven't been into blogging lately, not that I don't want to, but there are some inter personal issues going on at the moment. Life is changing yet again. Just when I thought I was used to where I was, it's time to make yet another transition. Today proved in many aspects how I have to go it alone, journeying to the next destination on sheer determination, by myself. Family will let you down. Friends will fail you. Life will kick you in the crotch when you least expect it. Ouch.

No, this post isn't an aggressive one, but cryptically reflective, I suppose. I'm tired in body and mind. Really, really tired. I'm not ready for the Holidays. Not ready for next year. Not ready for the next upheaval and disappointment headed my way again. I wish life were like a DVD, hitting rewind and starting over whenever possible. There isn't much I'd keep. I'd jettison most of what I have and start anew. Hmmm. Wonder where life has taken me that I got misdirected? Too many detours at DuPont Circle, perhaps? There's more than one thing going down at Häagen-Daaz. Yeah, that long ago. Were you walking to Kramer's back then too?

Life on the rewind. How many times did it take an ego trip? Was it high school days on hot summer nights, drinking 40s of Old E with Skeet, Wells, Devan, J-man, and JJJ? Or rather the desperate drive from 202 to the Schuylkill at three in morning college summer nights? Passing a joint in the back seat hopin' the moment would never end? Watchin' Devan attempt to act straight in front of this guy he was so desperately in love with. Yeah I knew about Spense, Devan! Captain Camelot. You'd wrestle his ass down to the ground so quick, I watched many a day at practice. Too bad I didn't last long on the team. Ah, Devan. 20 years later, you still don't know. JJJ does, but you don't. What's it gonna take my brother??????

Moreover, when did I make the left turn, when I was supposed to turn right? Query? Were you there at Tyson's Corner? Did I meet you there at Russell's joint in McLean? You guys were there that weekend at my Pops', right? JJJ, Devan, J-man, and of course, Captain Camelot himself, Spense. We hung with my junior high buddy Mike M, talkin' shit. Remember? You do! Issy (pronounced Eye-see) had that shit fit when you spilled beer on that $3000 Oriental carpet, 'member!?! Ol' Isaac's gone now. Ten years passed.

C'mon now, think!. Where did me and Devan go? Was it on Massachusetts Ave? Dangerous things there. Ideals. Homes. Embarrassing situations. Embassy Row. Politicians. Strange old queers. Oh, dear! Now I find myself rummaging through the streets of Georgetown, wondering how in the Hell I ended up here, with you guys, instead of home safe. Yeah, I got off the Metro stop on Wisconsin. I was supposed to be going to see J-man. Gonna go swimming at Wilson High. Cute guys at that pool. Michael always admonished me for going there. Yeah, but Mike is dead now too. I miss him. I don't know if I miss you. D'ya think?

Remember cruising the streets, looking for home, wonder where exactly I'd put my keys? Um, I'm think I left 'em in the trunk. Really? Sure did. I wonder if that guy really realized how much I hated him. How much he annoyed me to no avail? As the contempt I hold for you for abandoning me to his arms and dispassion, I loathed him. He wasn't that bright, just a painful bore. Yeah, un-huh. I'm talking about you Joystick, Jerkoff!!! After, I watched you "phuck" over JJJ, you latched on to me. Sadly, I allowed it. Just because you shagged my best friend, then me, doesn't make you a superstar, only a royal pain. Take heed, Oh Camelot, your rampaging will end. You bastard! I'll see you in Hell before I'll call you again.

No, I'm not angry. Really, I'm not. I just miss JJJ and Devan. I'll see you soon guys. And remember J, if you'e going to F'risco, don't forget the flowers for your hair.

I'm Back...

Actually I've been back for a few days now. I've returned to the normal routine and am still adjusting to not having the swaying motion as I walk. The cruise and vacation were fabulous. I will blog about that in the near future, but I wanted to posted a quickie message.

I have much to blog about. When I left my world was collapsing in many area and I suffered more than a few setbacks. I'm still not fully recovered, but adjusting as best as I know how. Life isn't going to be the same, nor should it be. Again I will have to fill you in.

The picture posted is significant to life in what went wrong. Any guesses as to who those two are, hmmm? My lips are sealed.

Hiatus

The blog is going on hiatus awhile for several reasons. I leave for vacation on Thursday for two weeks and there won't be much opportunity to do much posting. Second, my life has been very topsy turvy for the last week. I don't want to get into details, but I don't think my life is going to be the same after the dust settles. Yes, it involves Napoleon. I took a gamble, lost the house. I might blog about it before I leave, but for now accept that everything I thought to be true and real was all just an illusion. Life and love stinks! My mood has been extremely DARK and it'll get worse before it gets to heal, but as I mentioned to Miss T, "I am nothing if not resilient. I will survive."

"Braveheart Tegan."
-Doctor Who

How Quickly I Forget

The old adage is "be careful for what you what you wish for because you just might get it" is so true. In life I have learned my lessons the hard way and keep repeating stupid mistakes that I've made over and over and over again. I'm 37 years old. You'd think I'd learn by now from my past mistakes and never trust my heart, always my mind, but no, I'm notoriously foolish, especially when it comes to the follies of my heart.

I really don't feel like going into exaggerated details, but I'm very tired mentally, physically, and emotionally at the moment. Drained. I've spent the day trying to clean up a mess not of my own making and try to repair the irreparable. The roller coaster will have resolution in less than 48 hours, I will just have to endure a little while longer and see how things turn out.

One issue with me is never make a promise you don't intend to keep. I'd rather deal with the harsh reality here and now then to later have built up hopes dashed. The story is consistent in my life whether it be acquaintance, friend, or family, even seems to make empty promises that they never fulfill. Its left me with a sour taste, yet I always tend to take people at face value. Naivete is a bitch. Maybe I just believe people are intrinsically good and have the best intentions? Maybe I just have the word sucker written on my forehead? Whatever the reason, I need to make necessary changes and just believe negatively until otherwise proven wrong. Trust should never be given freely, always earned.

I'm reckless with my emotions and I admit if someone shows some attention to me, its easy for them to earn my favor. Yet when I am alone with an individual, who could call upon me, need me, I am slapped in the face, stabbed in the heart, cut at that gills, being unworthy of affections. Perhaps too, I need to learn never to take someone else's cast off. There is a reason people rid themselves of encumbrances. Rarely do people make rash decisions when it comes to love, but I seem to.