Gay? What Of It?

The blog has become a bit of sleazy and immature lately, I admit it. Why? Simply put, I haven't felt like being a grown up these past few months nor deal with adult issues. Well, that's about to change.

I've been doing some self-inspection and I've some house cleaning to do. Fear, shame, and embarrassment have caused me to lapse into some 38-year-old adolescent and its annoying the crap out of me. Yeah, one too many birthday post to celebrities. I'm getting back to the basics and write about issues going on within the mind. This will be a personal challenge because resolving issues from youth is quintessential to moving to the next level.

More this week as I tap into my grey matter....

Checked out a few blogs this morning. I added a few more to the Blog Roll. One of my new faves is Living Out Loud With Darian. He seems to put into words, more eloquently, all the commentary I wish I could blog about properly. His is a superb blog.

On Darian's blog I saw a post that BET has a new website addressing the Black Gay community. I had to laugh at his thoughts on the "Suspect Your Man's Gay?" questionnaire. Except for two things, I must not be gay. Yes, I have the shifty eyes. Yes, I have strange men on my MySpace page. The remaining eight questions (the last asks if you've talked things over), is soooo not me.

I get ready in 20 minutes (only because it take 15 to motivate my butt to get ready), I detest the Oprah Winfrey Show nor am I enamored by her (I've strong opinions about Oprah most people would disagree with). I'm not one to give exceeding fashion compliments. And I hate glamor shows, like Beauty Pageants, with a passion! Ugh! Hate is not a strong enough word. For that matter I hate any award shows. I've never been into the Golden Globes, Oscar's, Emmy's, American Music, MTV Music & Video, or BET Music Awards. I can't stand 'em! I'd rather have bamboo shoved under my finger nails or give myself a paper cut than be force to watch shit like that.

Like Darian, I agree BET's little questionnaire is a tad bogus. However, they are attempting shore up a connection to the Black SGL/LGBT community, with is to be commended. BET is at least making an effort. It will do some good in the long run.

As for other matters going on, well, there is much internal angst, strife, and loneliness. Not the depressing loneliness, but the separation loneliness one feels when you feel excluded. I'm, still, searching for my niche in this world and I don't think I've found my groove yet. At 38, I never anticipated my life would be so unsettled as it seemingly appears now; when I was in my teens and 20s the sky was the limit. Today, every turn seems like a greater hurdle to cross.

I've too many regrets, too many shames. Too many unwise decisions made in youth. Bad decisions that continue to placate personal enrichment. Yet, I continue to persevere. Giving up is not an option. I may get depressed, down, lonely, and low. Sure I might not be the most poplar guy on the block. And yes, people are definitely hatin' on me, but I'm not out for the count. This year has proven better days are a'comin. Sometimes you just have to wait for them though. I'm reminded of Shirley Caeser's "You're Next In Line For A Miracle" whenever I feel worn out. Lately, I've given that track repeated play after play on my CD player and iPod...