It's Been A WEEK!

I hate it that D has crazy hours and is at work tonight. Poot! I'm another one of my crabby moods as folk have tested my last good nerve this week. Ugh. I'm so over it already. I'm glad the weekend is here. I'm so ready for two days of pure indulgence in whatever I choose. If not, I might just take Nene's suggest and read a few bitches.

OK. I don't like being Evil twin Ian. Think Happy thoughts, happy thoughts! LOL

Miss Me Blind

*deep indulgent laugh*

Holy Genderbender, Batman! LOL.

Culture Club always a bit different, even for the 80s, but I remember this song all too well. There's a personal story connected with this song that unfortunately I'm not going to share, but it does goes back to Junior High School angst. Lord.

Thank the Deity those days are gone. I don't think I'd survive an 80s resurgence if I tried.

The Bite Comes Back

You know, sometimes so frikkin' frustrating when folks who irritate you, never leave. I'm dealing with a nuisance who like the plague, is hard to rid.

Typically, I try keep the negative on a leash. No time for bullshissz rising from the depths. Yet when I'm alone, I lose personal perspective, give in, and surrender to doubt. Some people plain where me out that I can no longer maintain the  smiles, being my usual friendly loveable self. Some folks are just evil. Vampires waiting to drain you anything good and positive.

Sookie!!!!!!

So, blah blah blah, is back in town. I've known it. I've been doing my best to avoid them in anyway possible, but because we have the same circle of friends, our meeting up was unavoidable. So we did run into each other a few weeks ago and I've been a sour puss ever since. Just down right moody.
Not everything is perfect in Ianland. The damn Incubus is back. Well, not the Incubus, but one of my many Incubi. Jeez. Just when you thought it was safe to live and let live, asshole keep coming back.

I'm holding steady. Forgiveness is a process. Just saying the words is only the beginning. The process is on-going. I don't forgive easily and I don't forget easily. Malign my name, or my person, and I'll hold on to that like luggage at the airport. 

Why do mean people exist? Go shit in your own cornflakes, OK?

The person creating that dark place is a pest who darts in and out of my life, Where I go, coincidentally, they're there! Why is it the people you want nothing to do with, associate in any form, tend to always, ALWAYS, eek their way into your space? Get the hell away from me! Please. You said what you had to say, wanted things to take it's own resolution, yet you're still pestering me. Oh, I'm trying so hard not to be too derogatory or be low rent by swearin' all up in this post, but damn.

The best part of tonight though, is Big D...Darryl is coming over after he gets off work. I plan on burying my face in his chest, let the lug hold me and pretend he'll make everything safe and cozy. LOL. It's funny. A friend asked me the other day if I was falling for D and I admitted I'm fighting it. Dude makes me feel good. I know when he comes home tonight, he'll mos def make the world brighter. My world. So, ....shhhhh. Don't tell him, but yeah I like my homme.  I mean like, like let's be boyfriends already. Boyfriend? Yes, boyfriend.

As for the arschloch, well... I need to be SO patient with myself first and foremost, and continue to practice that forgiveness. In time, their hurt can't and WON'T bother me anymore. I needed to get this off my chest. Sorry if I let the whiny sad sack Jinn out of the bottle. We all can't be an emotionless Slappy London, can we?

Jill Scott "Hate On Me"

While not so much a Flashback song, tomorrow is my birthday bitches! Been feelin' some nasty vibes from folks in my life and I ain't havin' it. Thought this song is SO appropriate for the good mood I'm feelin'. You can love me or hate me, I'm not payin' you no mind. And who else can express the the sentiment? None other than Ms. Jill Scott. Bam!

 Speak the TRUTH Jill.

Keep Calm

Well said, indeed. You know, the old saying goes "Nothing worth having comes easy." So true. Life can be a (taylor) swift kick in crotch some days. Lord have mercy, He knows it can. But as I'm continuing to learn, the more the adversity, sometimes the better the person you become...the stronger and more wiser you become.

It may take time. I'm in my 40s and still coming into my own. And you know what? That's all right, I'm a long way from where I was, where I've been, and can honestly without hesitation say I love myself. PERIOD. I'm proud of the man I am. Ian has no problem telling haterz where to go if they get in my way. For every ig'nant person, there are two (or three, four, or MORE) angels, ready to rally for my cause!! I know who's got my back!

As I told friends at a recent gathering, I cherish each hardship, struggle, tear, what-have-you, because I'm better today. Yeah, I have my self-doubt moments, but that's OK. Ain't nobody perfect, right? So I love myself absolutely. I'm so worth it!

As for you? Do you, be you! Love yourself too.
-Ian

Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence (Remastered Video)

Depeche Mode and I have been on a long and faithful journey. I've been a fan since high school. I'll admit that I don't listen to their music now as much as I did, but when I do, well I feel like a teen all over again.

Tonight's installment of the Friday Flashback I present Depeche Mode's Enjoy the Silence. Kick ass song with a rather eclectic video to accompany. Violator was probably my favorite album (did I REALLY just say album????) by DM. I can sing the lyrics just like yesterday without pause. Yeah.

Enjoy.

Erasure A Little Respect (Official Video)

 A Little Respect. Isn't that what any of us ever want? A Friday Night Flashback to one my favorite songs from the 80s/90s! Erasure's  Just A Little Respect.

Man this song takes me back to some good college memories. This is at the top of my list of songs to jam out to while driving long distance, speakers cranked, car dancing included. I'm sure I look a hot mess, but I just don't give a fcuk! LOL

What Lies Beneath

In no way do I consider myself the supreme aficionado of men's undergarments (or in the usual parlance, 'draws' LOL) but I do know what typically looks good. Just when I thought no one could make tighty whities look semi-sexy, I found this photo. Does he makes 'em work? Um, possssssibly? I think it's just the guy!

I'm not completely sold. I prefer my men in boxer's or boxer briefs. TW's are usually ugly and never seem to look like they fit right. Too baggy in all the wrong places, too wide lookin', and ever so unappealing... Maybe it's just me.

I'll keep searching for that perfect model that shows me otherwise...

-Ian

The Body Beautiful

I'm learning to love it....

Wakey, Wakey

I'm having one those mornings today. Just getting up. LOL I'm so late. I needed to be outta this joint two hours ago, but it's rare I have the luxury to sleep in...or not. I'm jus' saying. Good Morning!

Wherever The Wind Blows

I find myself in a quandry and lost. Anyone who knows me well enough is well aware I have the patience of a turnip! Much to my personal chagrin life has been about trials and tribulations. I can't stand it. Long suffering is so not my thang! Dammit!

Now I could sit here and piss and moan, whine and complain, about all that's gon' on (believe me I do...my heart bleeds in ways I thoughtit couldn't) but I won't. Fussing accomplishes nothing. What I want though, NEED, rather is inspiration and motivation to know my DAYS are coming.

Right now, I'm just not feelin' it.

Why So Silent M'sieur?

Recently a friend and supporter asked why I haven't been doing much blogging lately. I suppose the simplest answer is because I've been going through some rough spots, feeling like a punk ass bitch, so I've chosen to keep my distress to myself.

It's interesting what we will and won't do, even as gay men, that I've allowed myself to reach a ceiling with how much I want to discuss personally. Methinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis; my balance is off again.

This discontinuity with my spirit; wrestling with the demons of the man I am not and the man I wanted to be. More and more, each morning the motivation to get out of bed is a challenge. Sure, I appear fine on the outside. Yes Virginia, even I can keep a few secrets when needed. I don't air all my dirty laundry. Hmph. If you only knew.

My reluctance to share anything of late cuts to the core of my own masculine pride and self-worth. Fueled by a few negative comments and accusations, I've been acting below my own comfort level and I ain't feeling that shit one second. Vulnerability can be risky when the prize your seeking is contingent on a superficial structure of outward appearances. Let's be honest about that, the older I get, the less likely certain dreams are going to be achieved. Yeah, that's everyone, but the regrets have chosen now to go on the offense. My deep seeded sense of isolation and loneliness has started to physically manifest itself....

There's more I'd like to say, but I'm keeping my defenses up in case the next volley of insults work their way back. I'm tired. Nevertheless, I will attempt to blog more often, for my friends sake. Too, I have a firm belief this tide is about to ebb in a few weeks, and my life will go back to what it was before. Now is that a good thing? Therein remains to be seen....

The Truth Hurts, But Is Always Good.

OK, I've recovered from my rant from earlier. Some. But in my tirade I also discovered a little something about myself, truthfully so... I am so not prepared for life. Sure I fumble around, do my best, but I've been fucking up too much lately for my own self-satisfaction.

I'm not happy about it. Been trying to put the good face on, tell myself it's all gonna be alright, listen to the reasonable voices in my life say the same, but really? Really? Ugh.

No, I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. Just admitting facts. In an interpretive moment. Reflective....Dudes, I got skewed somewhere in life and been playing catch up ever since. Been disappointed by a few souls I thought were kind individuals; some who show their true colors when called upon. I feel you. Know your number now. No hate. Just don't look for me to worship at your feet again anytime soon. The truth hurts. You, nor I, are Superman. Take off your "S" brother, and come join the rest of humanity.

Men disappoint me so. Perhaps I just disappoint myself. And before I have a Halle Berry moment, say something I might regret later on the status of my black gay brothers, I will shut up. Just know I feel confused and disillusioned in so many ways by you. Especially those of you who think because you're beautiful and perfect, that er'rybody needs to be humbled in your presence. Do you really have that much disdain for me? Really? SMH. Regardless what you think, I am no less of a man than you because how I look or think or emote. No less. But you keep telling yourself that I am. Just do that. If it truly makes you happy...

{Ian slowly fades out into the distance...}

wrap up

Greetings my cohorts in blogging. I certainly hope your weekend was a pleasant one. Finally, God sent some sunshine down our way, and I know I tried to, bask in every inch of sunbeams sent to Mother Earth. Course, now you know the weather forecast is predicting rain again for the work week. Ugh!

I'm attempting to fend off the Sunday Night Blues, but not fairing too well. I think it's cause I'm lonely tonight. Uh-huh. Maybe I should have rethought my position last week before I said goodbye to home slice. No, I did the right thing because I'm really no good in any type of long term commitment until I get my own house in order. My head is not where I want it to be, body is not where it needs to be. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. My life's story.

But true love will come around. This weekend I had the opportunity to see the Creator's hand at work and that's always a blessing. I know He's got something good up my way, just need to keep on being patient. But throw a brother a soda cracker in the interim. I'm lonely. I mean LONELY! The kind of lonely that gets folks into to trouble.

Ladwhavmercy! I'm going to bed with a good book, G'night peeps...

MD Says....

There are some mysteries in life that stay mysteries, and then there are others, that if you take the time, you'll learn as much as you need to know. Hmph. Now if I can only find out more, I'm one step ahead of the game...

Fuck It! I'm Old, Dammit.

Sometimes folk will make you laugh at yourself, at your own inadequacies. True, true, true. In a positive way, of course.

OK, I'm not giving the full insight on this one, but it was made clear to me something, or somethings, I say are Wrong, wrong, wrong, and more muthafuckin' wrong.

Oopsies! Guess I faux pas'd. Break out the fags (think British here) and burn a bitch at the stake why dontcha? Vernacular and lexicon. Taste and taboo. Chile, please....

Now where was I?

Will say this much...honestly, I know I'm old and what I say sometimes might not jive with with what's contemporary or "in," but I'm a lil bit this and that, and to be sure, I really do (somewhere inside) love my big square self. Old is simply a state of mind. I'm not "old" as the expiration date on the milk container in my fridge. Up, my fat fucking ass need a "ed-ja-muh-cation" fore I attempt to run with the big dawgs.

Running? Or is it runnin'? Huh, what? I'm 39 years old! Do I really have time to doubt? Aw hell no...A little this, a little that, remember? Thus is so, so be it. Don't feel too about it none, neither. Oh and maybe it really is time to move back to the big city so the children can reeducate a bitch, no? Hmph. Too much white boy, not enough Negro, and way too bankrupt on homo fabulous, eh? REEALLY? {Ian chuckles.}

Oooh, you make me laugh with your words. Chuckle, cause it's true, and Ian can accept truth, don't have to love it, but definitely accept it. Sike! Now lemme take you off pause and release the lesson for today....

Frown

I feel really shitty today, after a nice holiday weekend, and am just blah. Suppose the rain has something to do with my mood, but if you've been a reader for sometime, you know it don't take much to sour my puss. A little humor for you.

Now chile, I do not know what the fuck is my problem. So many things have been going right the last few weeks, but in the end, it seems I can nevah stay on that constant high of happiness. I've even employed those lessons learned from Peaks and Valleys, but I'm just caught in the shitty shit corner and can't get out. So sure none y'all wanna be hearing my tales of woes, so this ain't gonna be a long drawn out complaint session. I sure hope the Creator blessed you with a good weekend....

I might be back later to purge some demons, but who knows? My heart isn't in any of the normal activities I enjoy...reading, blogging, whatever...so I might just ride this one out a while.

Shame

There are moments when trying to find the proper words is so difficult. This morning I'm awake early because I didn't sleep well. Went to bed with too much on my mind, too much in my spirit. I wish I had a better writing skill to express how I'm feeling without coming across as whining, needy or complaining, but so be it, if that's how you perceive it.

By now, you heard of the deplorable situation in Tampa with the 13 year boy being sexually assaulted by his classmates. When I heard it it took me back to my own situation years ago, and all the fear, shame, and doubt washed over me like ice water. In my spirit, I feel a cold unease, an old fear crawling up my spine, as yellow as the cartoons I used to watch, portrayed on television. Sexual assualt happens all the time, but when it happens to children, when it's perpetrated by one's peers, the people you're supposed to trust, well for this overgrown child blogging now, you never get over that hurt and deep sense of being damaged.

Now I'm not going to reharsh my story. It's in the blog. Like Thaddeus said about his own blog, you need to go to the beginning of this blog and read from there. Same about the Axe. You see me here, clear, and raw. Somtimes a little too raw for my tastes. But the events down in Florida also got me thinking how different my life could have been had I not been the victim of sexual abuse and molestation.

Would I still be gay? (Probably.) Would I be more secure in myself, less prone to question my decisions and choices? (Mos def.) Would I have learned to handle situations in a manner where I ddin't need approval and comfort from everyone? (Perhaps.) Would I developed helathier relationships with people, sustaining relationship, that affirmed and edified my spirit? (Unknown.)

These are just a few questions I ask myself. And wonder now how this child is going to respond in turn in his situation. My questions abound with curiosity as to why the victim didn't tell anyone? Did he speak of the bullying to other classmates? What were the circumstances for the assault? Was the young man blossoming into his sexuality, different from the norm? When I look at the four boys, I shake my head. Little thugs. Hoodlums. And while a part of me is glad the Prosecutors are stating they want to try the four youths as adults, part of me feel sorry for them as well.

I mean, God have mercy?!?!! What in Creation possessed this four teens to do this? Was it over power? Over the victim's difference? What" All five of the youth played football together. I understand bullying, but I've never understood the sexual predatory mind....

That's what's on my heart this morning. I'm gonna try to be more positive today, say prayers to the Father Creator for both the victim and myself, but the more things change, the more they stay the same...

What Is It?

My blood is running ice cold and tiny pin pricks, shivers, are running up and down my spine. Butterflies are in my stomach, fluttering away, threatening to bring up breakfast. Oh Lawd! I'm trying to front; pretend there's nothing wrong. Oh far from the truth that lie is!!!

Tonight, my past catches up with me. Whether it's in a good way or bad way remains to be seen. Being home, I've been confronted left and right with old demons; issues long thought to be laid to rest. Guess not. Well, I'm a man now (in theory)... time to put the big boy undies on, put away those fears, and act like I got something swinging between my thighs. "Just Do It!"

Here's the reason for my trepidation. A good friend from high school turns 40 today. Recently we were lucky enough to reconnect through Facebook. Word got back through the old neighborhood I'm home and his moms caught up with me the other day. His family generously invited me to a large soiree they're having to celebrate this milestone birthday. At first, I was like "color me there" in my attitude. We hadn't seen each other for almost a decade, had fell outta touch. But then harsh insecurity reared it's head up from the depths.

"Yo Ian. Who the hell you foolin' Ain't nobody wanna see your faggot ass!"

That stopped me cold. Really? I've been keepin' low profile here. As I've mentioned being back home in parent's home, back in the old haunt, has been less than welcoming. Too many demons decided it time to take advantage of my sitch. "He's at a low point physically, let's attack him emotionally, then he's ours." Being back in my old home, my old childhood neighborhood, where so much negative shit went down, where some much of my young spirit was traumatized... well you have to gimme a lil leeway.

Here I have a great opportunity to reconnect, at the heart of the issue remains differences. Time to "come out" once again to somebody. Sigh. So tired of having to justify or explain myself. Unfortunately, Pat is on the long list of folk who don't know the deal. Now you're probably thinkin' to yourselves, "Oh please Ian, anybody who know you gotta know by now." True dat. Naturally, I go by that assumption too. Don't most people recognize by how I talk or my mannerisms, that I'm not batting for the Philadelphia Heterosexual Ball Club? Then again, people are prone to see what they wanna see.

What shouldn't be a big deal, is for me. I've never been one to deal well with confrontation, avoid it as much as possible. The subject of how I'm attracted to shouldn't come up, but I must admit, in a sports bar filled with heterosexual straight guys, not only do I feel awkward but also intimidated as well. On a whole, I generally prefer being around women and other gay/bisexual men. Old anxieties surface whenever there's prolonged exposure with straight men. I recognized most this anxiety comes from the sexual abuse, molestation and ridicule from childhood peers, and believe me, I've worked on these issues. I have. But then again, these are strange people in an unfamiliar situation. I'm nervous in the service, boys!

Oh and now I feel ashamed for feeling shamed. Internalized homophobia is such a bitch. And I don't deny having my fair share of unresolved matters concerning my sexuality, but life unfolds on a gradual process. What time it took you to get comfortable with yourselves is different from mine as will be different for someone else. Just support, lift, and edify one another as we go on this journey.

My ideal is not being surrounded in room full of most strangers. Yes, my friend Pat will be there, but then so will his wife, family, and a house of other friends, acquaintances, and associates. The demon of unworthiness is whispering in my ear, "You're stupid. You're a fraud. You're a faggot. They will laugh, judge, and ridicule you. You are reviled and unworthy to be here." I'm trying not to listen to those negatives. Gonna do my best to walk the walk and talk the talk. Gonna stare fear in the face, and as much as I wanna call to decline the invitation, I'm going...

Sigh. However, as people are prone to say, the Devil is a liar, and I'm not gonna punk out like that. Still, my fears abound. Cold, cold, COLD insecurities have always thrown monkey wrenches in my life, let it hinder me from blossoming, but no mo'! And what is there to be afraid of??? (I keep asking myself, but the nagging doubt is still there.)

Ian's Inquiry: So what do you do what doubt and insecurities step in the way. What solutions help you to find strength and courage to look fear in the face head on?

Kismet, Part II

Being with my folks turned out to be more than I bargained for. I've been reduced to being a child again and I'm not sure how to handle the scrutiny.... Can't smoke, can't get and do the things I want. Can't eat, and you know, I'm a big boy, so don't be withholding my effing food!!!! LOL.

While its all very frustrating, good things have come about. I'm getting more in touch with myself being confronted by unresolved childhood drama. Would I rather things be more copacetic and peaceful? Of course, stupid question Ian. But change equals growth, and I've been stuck in my rut for far too long now. I need to walk. Done crawling.

The aggravation grew and mounted all weekend, the pot came to a boiling point last night and there was a slight blow out. I respectfully, maintained my calm, but I almost blurted out what needed to be said. Tension mounting, who know what will transpire within the next 24-hours? Your boy can't live in fear, which is a direct point made in the book Peaks and Valleys. Plus, last night I had the opportunity to speak with one of the new co-bloggers for MALE, Mychaeltodd Robinson, and he gave me a little pride in myself, a little more courage, a lil dignity where there was none. That and I've taken away a great deal from reading Peaks and Valleys. Time to put into practice what I've learned.

Hmph...we'll see how this all plays out. I'll probably will be doing plenty writing today, so check back periodically if you're interested in this saga.

Ian's Query: Could you go home and live with your parents again as an adult?