Um, Kris... No! Mmm'K?

Actor Kris Holden-Reid, Dyson from SyFy's Lost Girl, should never, never, NEVAH dance like this publicly again. NEVER, EVER Kris!!!

 I mean he almost broke out in the Molly Ringwold Breakfast Club dance.... Lord. That ain't cute.

The Body Beautiful

I'm learning to love it....

A Follow Up

Because life happens at a moment's notice, I had planned a further explanation to my post this morning, however...

Tomorrow, Ian will break his silence on a few things and share the insanity. Coming clean, coming clean, coming clean. It's not easy admitting your fears, but silence only begats shame and I am so OVER it.

More to come.

Do I Dream Of Normalcy?

So in an effort to free myself from my usual restrains, I'm stepping outside my level of comfort with my trip to LA. Making plans with Prince Pharaoh and Tazzy, going to clubs and hanging out in all the social spots where the beautiful people gon' be. Hm. OK. Am I ready for this?

Now I express my trepidation to this because I'm going with the stereotype that the West Coast is filled with shallow folks who are gonna turn up their noses, giggle, and guffaw at a large brutha like yours truly steppin up in the place. Again, hm. So do I let fear and the possible fear of response from others stop me from having fun? Oh hell no! But I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit to feeling self-conscious to some degree. My confidence isn't the greatest, but I'm gonna buck up, put my best imitation of masculine suave on (as much as yours truly can muster) and do the damn thing. Life is too short, and hey, I wanted to do something different for my fortieth birthday right?

Yeah, it ain't easing being a misshapen tool in the box of perfection, but I need to remind myself of this one thing, we all have our faults. Perhaps I might carry mine around my middle, but there are others who carry theirs between their ears. So what's the deal if I get some stares or some snickers or two. Am I every gonna see any of these people again? Doubt it. And if I come back with memories that bring a smile to my face, then normal or not, then my dreams can come true...

Why So Silent M'sieur?

Recently a friend and supporter asked why I haven't been doing much blogging lately. I suppose the simplest answer is because I've been going through some rough spots, feeling like a punk ass bitch, so I've chosen to keep my distress to myself.

It's interesting what we will and won't do, even as gay men, that I've allowed myself to reach a ceiling with how much I want to discuss personally. Methinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis; my balance is off again.

This discontinuity with my spirit; wrestling with the demons of the man I am not and the man I wanted to be. More and more, each morning the motivation to get out of bed is a challenge. Sure, I appear fine on the outside. Yes Virginia, even I can keep a few secrets when needed. I don't air all my dirty laundry. Hmph. If you only knew.

My reluctance to share anything of late cuts to the core of my own masculine pride and self-worth. Fueled by a few negative comments and accusations, I've been acting below my own comfort level and I ain't feeling that shit one second. Vulnerability can be risky when the prize your seeking is contingent on a superficial structure of outward appearances. Let's be honest about that, the older I get, the less likely certain dreams are going to be achieved. Yeah, that's everyone, but the regrets have chosen now to go on the offense. My deep seeded sense of isolation and loneliness has started to physically manifest itself....

There's more I'd like to say, but I'm keeping my defenses up in case the next volley of insults work their way back. I'm tired. Nevertheless, I will attempt to blog more often, for my friends sake. Too, I have a firm belief this tide is about to ebb in a few weeks, and my life will go back to what it was before. Now is that a good thing? Therein remains to be seen....

Crash and Burnt

....Um. I guess I messed up! *gulp* But it's all good. Never say and old fool can't learn from mistakes, and I just made a huuuuuge mistake. LOL.

I always believe that if you put good intentions ahead of you and work diligently, well, the Universe would smile favorably upon you. Uh no. Nice guys finish last baby. Piss or be pissed on... that's the lesson. Say it with me Ian.

Uh no. Not gonna do it...yet I find myself wondering if having hope is just a sense of delusional thinking. Hmm. Oh I'll be thinking about this all day.

For now, I have a job to do. So let me do it....

Ye Olde Internet Crush

Poking fun at myself, but sharing a piece of wisdom in return...being candid and frank, as only I can be, I decided to pen my thoughts on a few of mine...

At the behest of Della, I finally "grew a pair" and confronted one of my Internet crushes on my Jonsing on him. It was more than a lil humbling, but was cathartic at the same time.

Now I say "one" of my Internet crushes because I have about four or five running concurrently. I shall not give name to any of my crushes, save for Mr. Lonzie, who er'ryone across the Blogosphere must know I had "the vapors" for that man. LOL.

Naw! No names here. Let's refer to the remaining as Crush #1, Crush #2, Crush #3, and Crush #4. Some of my blogging buds know about my attractions, some don't. I think only Corey knows about #4, because I had tell somebody, but on a whole I WILL NOT speak on #4 because, well as the saying goes, "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas." I'm not even sure #4 knows. Well, duh, actually...he should. But I digress.

Moving On...

OK. So. Crush #1 is a brother I've been drawn towards for a looooong time. Long time. I was definitely afraid to make a play for him cause I perceived myself being outta his league. And even though we've talked a few times, I found myself painfully shy to say shiite to this cat. But I did confess my interest to Della and Gayte-Keeper. Keeper's been prompting me for months to talk to #1, but I wasn't having it. I knew how the outcome would go down, blah blah blah. But it wasn't until I spoke with the wise and venerable Miss Della, [M.A.L.E.]'s newest author, that I said to myself "why not."

Let's interject the rationale behind my hesitance. It's not that I'm not cute, for I AM. In fact, I'm FAAAAABULOUSLY cute, thick, and delicious in my own respect. However, surmising what I put together on #1 personae, writing, and image, I knew I wasn't his type. Knew I didn't fit the profile. My trepidations stem in my experience that generally bruhs I'm attracted to don't find me attractive. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.Oh yeah, I'm fine for friendship, but their nevah weak in the knees over me. Not crying woe, just an observation. But young and refreshing Della raised a wonderful point. Wise and true, nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Tonight the moment allowed for #1 and I to talk through Instant Messenger and graduate to a phone call. The convo was rich, warm, and interesting. The good brother has a deliciously smooth voice, a bravado, and I can "conversate" well. (Yes, I know conversate isn't a word. It's "irregardless."Oops that's not a word either, huh?) Crush #1 has swag. Damn good swag (think T.J. Holmes and President Obama swag). Very down to Earth. His ease made it relaxing for me to confess my "sins" and we dished on a variety of topics, including him getting nekkid. (Oh Lawd! Had to really push past that part. I think bruh is Phoine. Not fine. Or Phine. But PHHHHHOINE. And yes, we discussed opinion on that too.)

As anticipated, Crush gently lemme know he wasn't interested, and I can't say I blame him given individual circumstances. Yet, dude has a clearer picture of me and my situations than anyone I know, including my circle of brothers (Toddy, Scott, Corey, Gayte-Keeper, Mike, etc etc.) so I can see us becoming fast friends and even "Brothers of the Q-hood."

Overall, I'm grateful for #1 kindness. Unlike an earlier situation in the week when another crush, #3 put me on blast, blurting out "Ew" at the suggestion I might like him (it's all good, he explained why). That was one my lower moments when I really wanted to bury myself in the dirt. Rest assured, I think Crushes #1, #3, and # 4 and I have/will have stronger bonds in the coming days, weeks, and months. As for Crush # 2? He's off the radar somewhere...I haven't spoken to #2 in possibly 3, 4, or 5 months. And Thaddeus was a pipe dream, but I can take comfort I wasn't the only man captured under Thaddy-Daddy's spell. No names. "Vapors," though.

So the point of confessing my shame? Well, guess most of all, I come away from this feeling a little better confronting fear. In real life I tend to be very shy. While my good brother Thomas has ascribed me being rather "in-your-face" at times, I'm not. Oft times I'm reserved. Although I can speak my mind, share intimate details others would find quite embarrassing, when it comes to finding a mate? Oh, I'm just a big ole gay neophyte.

"Totally unprepared am I,
to face a world of men....
Timid and shy and scared am I,
of things beyond my ken"

Yes, boys and girls, Ian finds himself unworthy of the fellas who've caught his eye. Whether because he feels inadequate due to financial status, wealth, maturity, common sense, experience, weight, mental health, what have you, without the aid of alcohol or other substances to take him to level of "brass balls," he get caught up in his own defeatist notions. Perhaps he creates a self-fulling prophecy, and probably so, but tonight I summoned courage to go with it, laid my cards on the table, and see where would things go. Taking the chance is the learning experience, not the outcome.

While the outcome didn't to my favor, I'm that much closer to feeling more relaxed in my own skin. The lesson is an infinitesimally small one, but still a lesson nevertheless. Maybe I'm not in the position to dole out advice, given how I'm fighting emotions of humiliation at the moment, but I will say take a chance on a situation. If you personally are presented with an opportunity, go for it. It's better to speak your mind and know what happened, then to never have and NOT know what COULD HAVE happened.

So take a good laugh at my shame, I am, and then apply this in whatever means are at your disposal right now. How's it go again? Carpe Diem? Seize the Day. The possibility may just work to your advantage, it may not, but you'll never know unless you take the chance...

How Do You "Do It?"

It astonishes me, really, how reserved I can be sometimes. Or at least, I should say, how much I pretend to be "hip" with things folks do, that is certainly not in my nature. Hmm. Bear with me as I ramble. It's the wee hours of the morning and I got woken up, still sleepy.

I dunno. Phone sex, camming, all those things I normal would keep private, seem to be prevalent with folks these days. I guess I'm too old school, too modest, but I prefer to have my encounters up close and personal, not on the phone. To me it just makes me more in the "amorous mood" and without you here, and I have is myself (quite boring)!

Corey shared with me a lil tip the other week to remember these folks are not my peers, don't think of them as such, but I must admit I stand mystified and in awe. Shocked, yet titillated be the freedom of expression people have. I doubt you will ever be seeing Ian in the all-together on the 'Net (Lord, let's hope not). I do appreciate those who do however. I just wonder how do you get the balls to put yourself out for public display?

Perhaps, I'm too hung up on shit. Then again, I'm almost 40 and we all know I have my issues...

the fat lady (man really) is about to sing...

no pretty pictures tonight. no capitalization. hell maybe even no proofreading. today has sucked, pure and simple. i'm still reeling from my embarrassing moment from earlier and not happy with myself. i'm perfectly mortified and really wanna crawl in a hole and the earth plowed over me. one thing is clear, i'm soooo done with any attempting to get the things i want. so if they're meant to be, somebody else will have to hand them to me on a silver platter, and we all know the chances of that happening. i really do grow weary of struggling and failing.

grumpy? yes i am. disappointed? you know it! ashamed? to the core. i don't know how i can bring myself to speak to the guy again because i feel like such an asshole. and i was thinking we were on the same wavelength...shah. fucking idiot i am. i told ya, bad homo. bad homo am i.

i officially resign and am giving up. well maybe not, but its what i'm feeling currently. tired. tired. and more fucking tired of jumping through hoops looking for what everyone else has, stupid companionship. finding a mate sucks!

My Immortal

Yeah. I Get It...

Time To Say Goodbye.

I totally humiliated myself a few minutes ago and feel like crawling up into a whole and dying of embarrassment. Crashed and burn does not begin to describe my shame...

What Is It?

My blood is running ice cold and tiny pin pricks, shivers, are running up and down my spine. Butterflies are in my stomach, fluttering away, threatening to bring up breakfast. Oh Lawd! I'm trying to front; pretend there's nothing wrong. Oh far from the truth that lie is!!!

Tonight, my past catches up with me. Whether it's in a good way or bad way remains to be seen. Being home, I've been confronted left and right with old demons; issues long thought to be laid to rest. Guess not. Well, I'm a man now (in theory)... time to put the big boy undies on, put away those fears, and act like I got something swinging between my thighs. "Just Do It!"

Here's the reason for my trepidation. A good friend from high school turns 40 today. Recently we were lucky enough to reconnect through Facebook. Word got back through the old neighborhood I'm home and his moms caught up with me the other day. His family generously invited me to a large soiree they're having to celebrate this milestone birthday. At first, I was like "color me there" in my attitude. We hadn't seen each other for almost a decade, had fell outta touch. But then harsh insecurity reared it's head up from the depths.

"Yo Ian. Who the hell you foolin' Ain't nobody wanna see your faggot ass!"

That stopped me cold. Really? I've been keepin' low profile here. As I've mentioned being back home in parent's home, back in the old haunt, has been less than welcoming. Too many demons decided it time to take advantage of my sitch. "He's at a low point physically, let's attack him emotionally, then he's ours." Being back in my old home, my old childhood neighborhood, where so much negative shit went down, where some much of my young spirit was traumatized... well you have to gimme a lil leeway.

Here I have a great opportunity to reconnect, at the heart of the issue remains differences. Time to "come out" once again to somebody. Sigh. So tired of having to justify or explain myself. Unfortunately, Pat is on the long list of folk who don't know the deal. Now you're probably thinkin' to yourselves, "Oh please Ian, anybody who know you gotta know by now." True dat. Naturally, I go by that assumption too. Don't most people recognize by how I talk or my mannerisms, that I'm not batting for the Philadelphia Heterosexual Ball Club? Then again, people are prone to see what they wanna see.

What shouldn't be a big deal, is for me. I've never been one to deal well with confrontation, avoid it as much as possible. The subject of how I'm attracted to shouldn't come up, but I must admit, in a sports bar filled with heterosexual straight guys, not only do I feel awkward but also intimidated as well. On a whole, I generally prefer being around women and other gay/bisexual men. Old anxieties surface whenever there's prolonged exposure with straight men. I recognized most this anxiety comes from the sexual abuse, molestation and ridicule from childhood peers, and believe me, I've worked on these issues. I have. But then again, these are strange people in an unfamiliar situation. I'm nervous in the service, boys!

Oh and now I feel ashamed for feeling shamed. Internalized homophobia is such a bitch. And I don't deny having my fair share of unresolved matters concerning my sexuality, but life unfolds on a gradual process. What time it took you to get comfortable with yourselves is different from mine as will be different for someone else. Just support, lift, and edify one another as we go on this journey.

My ideal is not being surrounded in room full of most strangers. Yes, my friend Pat will be there, but then so will his wife, family, and a house of other friends, acquaintances, and associates. The demon of unworthiness is whispering in my ear, "You're stupid. You're a fraud. You're a faggot. They will laugh, judge, and ridicule you. You are reviled and unworthy to be here." I'm trying not to listen to those negatives. Gonna do my best to walk the walk and talk the talk. Gonna stare fear in the face, and as much as I wanna call to decline the invitation, I'm going...

Sigh. However, as people are prone to say, the Devil is a liar, and I'm not gonna punk out like that. Still, my fears abound. Cold, cold, COLD insecurities have always thrown monkey wrenches in my life, let it hinder me from blossoming, but no mo'! And what is there to be afraid of??? (I keep asking myself, but the nagging doubt is still there.)

Ian's Inquiry: So what do you do what doubt and insecurities step in the way. What solutions help you to find strength and courage to look fear in the face head on?

Kismet

Cosmic forces are aligning themselves my friends, the moment is so at hand I can feel it in my spirit. So scaredy cat got some cajones finally, eh? Well not exactly. The Fates are stepping in, taking care of business, giving me a chance to rescue my adulthood from Purgatory. Since being here in my family's home I've regressed into childhood head first. I don't like it!

This weekend set into play events stumbling towards opening the last closet door, and folks, it sure has been a bumpy ride. After this challenge, nothing else in my life will matter, because I will have overcome the biggest obstacle. But I feel sick this morning. Don't have words to begin to describe the trepidation running amok right now. The conversation is going down, and I mean, soon...

Happy Monday!!!

Oops...Barack Faux Pas'd.

Without trying to sound insensitive, I'm really not getting why folks are so up in arms over the President and his gaff on the Jay Leno Show the other night. Yes, he made a mild error in judgment with his Special Olympic comment, but I don't think he was attempting to be derogatory or disrespectful. Plus he immediately made an apology to the folks over at Special Olympics.

As someone who is now officially disabled and has worked with the disabled, people need to lighten the hell up to some extent. Politically Correctness has become the secret police in modern day. It's not that I'm not trying to understand the issue, I do. But President Obama didn not make a gross, inappropriate remark such as calling the disabled "gimps," "crippled," or "retards." Unfortuantely, in my community I hear it far too often from folk. I understand there's still stigma on the mentally and physically disabled. Obama saw his error, quicly apologize, his statment was received and accepted by Special Olympics.
Nuff said, right?

You'd think so. I've read more than a few comments on blogs calling for his resignation. Come on already. It's a minor infraction at best. No need for him to step down from the highest office. Given the Prez a little leeway. He's not the first President to say something stupid (Hello? Eight years of George Bush????) and he won't be the last.

Accept the apology folks, then move on.

It's Electric!

With my head in my hands, I sat there, incredulously embarrassed. Oh Lawd, what in the world just happened here? Hmph! I'll tell you...

His hand was on my waist, steadying me so I wouldn't fall. The warmth of his touch was distracting, but not enough to keep me from going forward, pushing myself one last little bit, towards success. Then I stumbled.

A fraction of a second, but more like an eternity really. And in that stumble, his hand, that was on my hip, quicker than the Flash was around my waist, pulling me back. In that instant, oh just to be sure, my world collided with his. Ass against crotch.

His heat invading my space. His scent permeating my nostrils. Feeling those firm, calloused, masculine hands on my body. That warm sweet breath gently breathing on my neck.... um, too much, waaaay too much! Instinct kicked in, panic stricken, and down I went anyway.

Dream come true or nightmare played out? So went the scene at physical therapy today. Oh Ian you're too old to be having these crushes on straight bruhs. Thank goodness we were near finished with session cause I was no good after the incident. In a way though, it was good, our electric moment. At least I got a feel for what Gemini's working with (not that it matters).

I was humiliated, make no mistake, but outta every negative situation, some good comes about...

Shh!

I've decided I'm keeping my mouth shut for the next several days....