Shape Of Things To Come

“Life has a melody; a rhythm of notes that become your existence once played in harmony with God’s plan. It’s time to do your part and realize your destiny. It‘s time to make your choice, see the face of the shape things to come…”

A new beginning is coming my way...

Frown

I feel really shitty today, after a nice holiday weekend, and am just blah. Suppose the rain has something to do with my mood, but if you've been a reader for sometime, you know it don't take much to sour my puss. A little humor for you.

Now chile, I do not know what the fuck is my problem. So many things have been going right the last few weeks, but in the end, it seems I can nevah stay on that constant high of happiness. I've even employed those lessons learned from Peaks and Valleys, but I'm just caught in the shitty shit corner and can't get out. So sure none y'all wanna be hearing my tales of woes, so this ain't gonna be a long drawn out complaint session. I sure hope the Creator blessed you with a good weekend....

I might be back later to purge some demons, but who knows? My heart isn't in any of the normal activities I enjoy...reading, blogging, whatever...so I might just ride this one out a while.

Honored

Kids!

Amen

One From Another...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

Speaking of love and friendships. We're all familiar with the "Not Everybody Can Be In Your Front Row" and "Some People are here for a Season" dogma. But how do you feel about it really?

Toddy recently addressed in his blogs the relief of saying goodbye to an ex romantic interest and his 'divorce' from his older brother. Dear sweet Toddy has grown from it, obtained closure. Query? How about the relationships that do not have the personal satisfaction of closure? What do we do to bring peace those matters?

Far too often, we walk with others for a time, reveling, making merry, and gettin' giddy, then for whatever reason...boo! They're gone. Without so much as a "By your leave," like a thief in the night. I don't understand it. Sometimes we're given a chance to say goodbye, others, there's no warning. What purpose does sudden disappearance serve? Ah, the death and dearth of friendships and love...

Ian's Inquiry: What do you do when you cannot achieve closure to a situation? What positives do you use to close the door and have your own sense of peace?

While We're Absent...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

Regretfully, I think my time away from Arturo has created a wanderlust spurned on by a wanting what others have. Yet, as my Gram is quickly to point out, "What made for other people, ain't made for everybody."

It's a harsh truth, but one we all need to hear loud and clear. Arturo and I haven't done much talking. Not about the pertinent topics. And I wanna go to Pride events in New York and Philly. This summer, while I have the opportunity to travel, these wings are gonna spread. I don't have time to be held back by doubts and fears. So where I'm going is anyone's guess.

There's much conversation to be had and yours truly can't square the blame completely on Arturo for the lack of communication. It wasn't until I discussed my homosexuality with my mum I thought a possible future, I wanted, possible. Doubt has been sitting on my shoulder. The green-eyed monster of jealousy, whispering in my ear, telling things I shouldn't believe. On the other shoulder, where I'd hope an angel would be, the nemesis of my past "fucked up" relationships, friendships, and marriage implores me to cling to the familiar.

But rise up soldier! Shrug them doubts, and have faith in the Creator, that what blessing He has for me, will come. All things in their due time....

'Tween Me and Thee...

"May the LORD watch between you and me, when we're absent, one from another...Amen."

I'm not sure why that old Sunday School prayer is floating through the gray matter this evening, but it's nagging at me somethin' fierce.

When the physical is not in-line with the spiritual, then the mind grows nothing good. Sheer pessimism. Lord knows I embrace what is needed to be learned from. There's a reason for this season. Learn the truth from the hidden message, then move on. Don't linger in the Valley, but use what is learned as a tool to get to the next peak.

The good news is I'm returning home at week's end. According to Peaks and Valleys, I need to live in that truth a moment. Not allow negative situations waiting for at home pull me off my peak. The bills are a reality, but the fact that I'll be home, reunited with my cats, friends, and loved ones, is something to hold dear. I'm on an adventure. Ain't got time living in limbo with life.

There is concern however. Troubling is the lingering "something" I have with Arturo. I wouldn't call us boyfriends, more like friends with occasional benefits. I care about him, as I mentioned in a few posts back, but differences in our ages, "out" levels, maturity... yadda yadda yadda...needs to be addressed when I get home. Plus how much longer am I gonna be living in that area? Pretty much resolved with myself I wanna move within the next year or so....

Stay...

Does anyone else remember Shakespeare's Sister's? Believe they were a one-hit wonder, but their song "Stay" has always resonated with me, kinda like 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up." A bit of the beaten path, I know, but it's a bit freaky. Something funky about the video speaks to Shakespearean theme. The fair Queen Titania (the innocent one), Impish Changeling King of the Faeries Oberon (in female guise) fawning over an earthly mortal (the man on the slate). If I recall A Midsummer's Night correctly, wasn't Oberon bisexual anyway? I digress...

This is definitely road trip music to carry you through the long journey, like the one I'm doing in a few weeks to visit cousin Freddie in Virginia. I hate the long ass drive to Richmond...but at least I have some interesting tunes to keep me company.

Though It May Be Difficult...

Y'all gotta get yo' asses up outta that bed this morning. Tempted as you may be, I'm sorry to be the one to remind you....It's Monday! Hopefully thhis sweet caffe will jump start your morning.

Second Time Around.

Showing some more LA love....Once again gents, here's Ray's second spotlight.

Haven't heard from Brother Avito in a few days, suppose he's off doing something creative or something, but I had these leftover photos I had uploaded for his spotlight I did over on Chocolate & Salsa I didn't wanna waste, so I'm giving Ray-Ray another shout out.

Yo! Avito! When you get the chance, drop a brother some words let somebody know what's up. And did your Dodgers give my Phils a spanking last week! Hmph. Even without Manny, y'all whupped some azz. S'a'ight though, I was cheering on Wolfie the day he pitched against Moyer, glad he got the "W".

To catch more of Ray and his creativeness, be sure to drop his blog Ennui.

Rise Up Black Television

Continuing this morning's commentary on the state of African American media and entertainment. For the first blurb, go here....

I find it interesting in the radio spectrum there seems to be a bevvy of programs to select from. We have Michael Baisden, Tom Joyner, Steve Harvey, Yolanda Adams, Wendy Williams, The Ride with Doug (Banks) & Dede (McGuire), just to name a few. So what wrong broadcast television? Can't someone get quality programming for us to watch? You can't tell me some celebrity couldn't match, dollar for dollar, and create a network or networks, to showcase African American talent? Real, decent, comedies, dramas, and serials for People of Color?

But Ian, you started off this commentary by slamming Terry Perry's effort. What up with that?

OK, OK, OK. You caught me dead to rights wrong. I did criticize Tyler, but not for his efforts. You're right, Tyler and Lionsgate are trying. But what about the other African American elite? The HollyWEIRD Black Royalty? Hm? Much as I love Will and Jada, can't they throw a few dollars in the collection plate? And how about some of our bruhs in sports? No naming names. Please don't get me started. Instead of shooting yourselves in the leg, cheating on your wives, dog fighting, or creeping on the crawl, put that time and energy you wasting back into the community. Invest in us like somebody invested in you...

Now, boys and girls, I'm not talking about er'rybody. No. Some people are subsidizing to the cause. Doing it anonymously. Not everything needs to be done by sight. But for every one brutha or sistah contributing to the cause, how many aren't? Don't let naysayers more can't be done. Doesn't Oprah own Oxygen Network? Really. People let's be creative. Aren't you tired of watching the same ole ghetto fabulous programming on BET? Sick of the stupid trash that's thrown at us, force fed to us, because that's all there is?

While some networks have tried, I'm sorry, The Real Housewives Of Atlanta (Bravo), I Love New York or Flava of Love (both VH1), From G's to Gents (MTV), 106 and Park, Hell Date, Baldwin Hills or College Hill (all BET) are gonna cut it!
Call me a television snob. It's true, I am, but I readily admit to watching all the above mentioned...Hell yeah...I loves me some garbage TV! Where else am I gonna get my lesson in the Stanky leg and such? Certainly not here in Pennsylvania Dutch Country! Willkommen! Wie bist du?

And to be sure, I do watch some programs their sleaze factor. Honey, do you honestly think I have anything in common with any of the peeps on College Hill, aside from my skin color? Really? Do you? Nope. I'm a middle aged homo, out on the chicken hawk thug watch, scoping out the fresh bruhs, jealous of where they at in life, what they're accomplishing.

Speaking of College Hill a moment, I know y'all caught Mr. Jones' picture post over on Surrealistically Speaking, the other day, right? Don't know where he found Dorian (CH: ATL) all undressed down like that (not the pix to the right, follow the link), but man...shivers down my spine...sexual fluster...heat flash, heart palpitations, and..... Oh did I just type that? LOL. Oops my bad. What exactly was I saying now???

Maybe I need to step of the soap box and collect myself half a mo',
-Ian

Let Yourself Be Yourself

Thanks to my Internet bud, Jared Eaton who can be found here and here, for sending me these daily motivators. This was for yesterday, butis poignant every day...



If you are resisting life's goodness, then working harder at it will push that goodness farther away. Instead, learn to let go and to allow. Simply generating more activity and energy will not help you if that energy is pointed in a negative direction. Choose to re-direct all the energy and awareness in your life toward those things you value most. If the results you are getting fail to bring fulfillment, do not seek to merely create more results. Instead, find the path that truly fulfills your purpose. There is nothing to be gained from making life needlessly difficult. See the truth that life is beautiful, and align your energy and your actions with your very own expression of that truth. When you let yourself be yourself, richness flows easily and effortlessly and naturally through every moment. Your greatest accomplishments come from who you are. Let yourself be yourself. And you'll be as rich as anyone can ever be.

-- Ralph Marston

Your Game Commentary

The other night my parents and I were watching television together when a commercial came on advertising the new season of Meet The Browns. Innocently enough, foolishly, I made the remark I thought neither it nor the show that spawned Browns, House of Payne, were all that funny. Simple enough statement right? Wrong. Oh Lawd! My parents done gon' on a trip, and got defensive! And real quick.

"Why because it's BLACK?"

Huh? What? Umm, nooooooo. What does that have to do with the price of oil in Saudi Arabia?

Skipping over the conflicted race messages in my family, save that for another post, I just don't find either House of Payne or Meet The Browns humorous. They're cheap imitations of comedy entertainment, based on a "Three's Company"-esque style, watered down and spoon fed to the African American community. Love it or leave it. Leave it! I've never found stupid sitcoms particularly entertaining. I don't care both ventures are backed by Tyler Perry. For the same argument folk have over the Madea movies, I have for black television programming today. It's same old, stereotypical, tired gags, line, and routine reminiscent of Stepin Fetchit. Harsh opinion, but so true.

Maybe it's just me? But is it wrong to want, to hold, to demand, our shows in be held in a higher calibre similar to mainstream media and programming. Why do we have to look like the bottom of the heap? Where is our Black Grey's Anatomy? Our Black CSI? Our Black Law & Order, 24, House, etc. etc? Why is it black entertainment is confined to the same old sitcoms, different names, but same situations and lame ass gags? Really, I wanna know. And I won't throw in the subject of Reality TV. That old mess is just plantation mentally in it's most ignorant, purest form. Hint Holllyweird, 1865 has come and gone! Let my people go!

What few shows are on-air seem portray the worst of the black community. I'll pick on a show I do enjoy, which I still think is the same tired shiggety dressed up for a new generation, the CW Network's The Game.

Do I need to rehash it for you why it's so tired? Address the problems with the CW Network? Then again, while I wanna complain, if it weren't for the CW (née The WB Network) I doubt mainstream television would have regular black programming. No other network has made an effort to produce shows for African Americans. But even still, CW?!?! What up with you? The Girlfriend's spin-off leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. Is this the best television the-Powers-that-be, have to supply black audiences?

Synopsis of every episode of The Game, without knowing the individual storylines.... biracial "black" man athlete (don't hate, I loves me some Coby), of course married to a white woman, cheap, bitter, and angry. There divaesque single mother ghetto girl tryin' to get hers and prove something to somebody. Her immature, spoiled, pampered "playa" son who reinforces every single misogynistic attitude Black men are accused of having...money hungry, no sense of morality, decency, irreverence, lack of common sense...and last, but certainly not least, the Christian boy, trying to be all grow'd up, trying to keep up with his boys, frontin', who can't keep it in his pants long enough to know a good thing when he's got, only in the end to get another woman pregnant....yadda, yadda, yadda.{Thank you Jerry Seinfeld for that lexicon added to our language}. Need I go on?

Ugh.

Make no mistake, I tune into The Game regularly. I was rooting for Jason and Kelly to get back together, stupid as I think they are together, I want Tasha to make her impact, do her thang, want Malik to become a real man and leggo his tired ways, want Derwin and Melanie to get their shit straight for reals this time....

Yeah, OK. I watch. Sue me, but it still doesn't invalidate my argument. If you hungry, but hate liverwurst sandwiches, but you ain't ate fo' six months, are you honestly gonna turn down that liverwurst? Honestly? Use the analogy with Black television. If what's current broadcast, all that's on the table, what choices do we have unless we demand for better...

-Ian

Ironic

Dontcha think?

Is He Ready? And I'm Sorry.

Now I caught the snippet on Rhymes With Snitch that T.I. will start his jail sentence a week from this Tuesday. I have mixed emotions about it and him.

While I understand the reason for his sentence, after I watched a few episodes of Road to Redemption (his television program on MTV), I gained more respect for the brother.

Ashamedly, I group him with the whole group of artists in his genre, and just wrote him off as another "thug." I'm not a fan of hip hop or rap and have even less favorable beliefs about T.I.'s contemporaries, but now is not the time dish out the evil of that particular music genre. Shouldn't pass judgment until you know a person's heart, their character. T.I.'s program showed more than enough to prove me wrong, give me some enlightenment and insight to the man behind the exterior. I don' know bruh from Adam, I owe T.I. an apology for my preconceived notions about him. Besides, he's effin' phine too!!!

Now, you knew I gonna say something queer didn't you?!?! LOL!
-Ian

Wayman Tisdale

June 9, 1964-May 1 15, 2009

RIP

Facebook Ettiquette

As venture further into the Facebook foray, I discovered this. Oh so funny, but gosh darnit, so true! Watch the clip and you'll get the reason why I said "Gosh Darnit." LOL.

Blake. James Blake

Love that hairy stomach!

So Overwhelmed!

Not to mimic my No. 2 "husband" Larry Fitzgerald's teammates,(remember Dorian Gregory replaced him as head husband?) but honey....I could fall down and cry jus' like these bruhs!

Lawdhavmercy! I'm so behind on my blog posts!!! Chil'ren, Ian' tis overwhelmed this morning. I'm so behind with posts!!! I'm working on three or four the Axe, four for MALE, and several for ChocolateSalsa.

In recent weeks, my good brothers have generously kept up their part and been praising my blogging efforts. Gee, can I have my Sally Field moment now??? Been Splashed by Greg, Tagged by Viktor, and Licked by Gayte-Keeper. Factor in I haven't tweeted in a few days, plus I have return emails, Facebook activity, I'm on a full time schedule. How is it for someone on disability, not working, I've more work doing the recreational Internet thang, then when I was gainfully employed?!?! I love it! How is that? LOL.

So be patient my brothers, I'm gonna get around to everything by the end of the weekend.
-Ian

Honest, Honest Honesty!

I've been tagged by Wonder Man to give y'all some honest stuff about me. So here we go.

1. I still sleep with a "security" pillow I've had since I was 2years old. The casing has been through some changes, but the main stuffing inside is from 1972. And I take the damn thing with me everywhere, even when I go overseas!!!

2. I have a phobia about getting my hair cut! Until last 2 weeks ago, I had not cut my hair since 1998, with the exception to rid myself of split ends, I didn't cut it. I don't know why I have this, I just do. I'm terrified to cut my hair and get the shakes over it. In conjunction, through my lack of haircuts, I've developed a hair fetish. I love Men Of Color with Afrocentric hairstyles (braids, dreads, cornrows, plaits, etc.).

3. Before I quit smoking, I has a nasty habit of chewing gum and smoking cigarettes at the same time.

4. I sew the fly of my boxer shorts closed so my "junk" doesn't fall out. I've done this since freshman year of high school, when I exposed myself to friends in gym class. Thank goodness they were all guys. And no! None of were, you know...an item. LOL.

5. Coffee is my weakness. I can brew a pot, drink it, and still fall asleep. I can get enough of the stuff. Typically I enjoy flavored varieties, but as long as it has cream and equal, we're cool.

6. Like Wonder Man, I love comic books, especially the X-Men. But my first foray into the world of comics wasn't Marvel or DC, but Archie, Casper, Hot Stuff, and Richie Rich, Thankfully I gave away all that evidence years ago. I still occasionally read a few when my inner child needs attention.

7. Despite being the consummate class clown, always a "cut-up," I have a deep seeded fear of strangers, especially unknown heterosexual men. Probably goes back to my sexual abuse issues, but generally compensate by doing oddball antics to get folks to laugh instead of abuse me. Social situations can be tedious until I'm really relaxed, usually with some alcohol in my hand. I tend to shy away unless I'm comfortable. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not necessarily the life of the party. Oops, me thinks I confessed too much. Time to do something silly....LOL.

8. I put hot sauce on almost any and everything: grits, eggs, popcorn, cole slaw, fruit, you name it. If it's meant to be savory, then I break out the Texas Pete or Cayenne Pepper!

9. I abhor text messaging, even though I'm addicted to tweeting and Twitter.

10. I cry each and every time when I watch The Color Purple, Steel Magnolias, and Star Wars III: The Revenge of The Sith. It's true!

I'll probably think of 1,001 things I coulda said, but for now that's me. So peeps, what about you? I'd love to hear all your top ten thingies, but for now I'm gonna tag my brothers. Wonder Man you tagged me first, so I'm skipping you this go round. But beware bro, you just might get "splashed" in the near future! LOL. But you guys below:

My blogging brother, you've just been "tagged" by Darktomahawk!

DJ from Derrick's Window.

Toddy English from To My Friends With Love, Toddy English.

Corey from Corey@ I'll Keep You Posted.

David Dust from DAVID DUST

DJ from Derrick's Window

Gayte-Keeper from thegayte-keeper

Ray Avito from ENNUI

Aaron Douglas from MasculineCurves

Achilles from Achilles Heal

Thomas from Homo on the Loose

Jimmy from Black Visual Artist

Cocoa Rican from Not Shady, Just Fierce...

John Pierre from The Spirit Catches You

J Clarence from Paper Clips N' Potato Chips

Kevin from The Black Man Next Door

Curio from N2itall

Greg from Point & Shoot

Homosexianty

I'm not gonna take any credit for this post. Saw this over on Sozo's blog. Looks like something interesting. Read the post here. I'm not advocating rushing out and buying the book, but I definitely will check it out from the local library. If it's inspiring, then I'll purchase it.

Go here to read Sozo's opinion on this book.

Change Gon' Come...

Tonight I feel unsettled in my spirit, like somethings about to change. Good changes? Dunno. I only hope whatever comes my way, I can go with the flow and continue positive momentum. Since confessing my secrets to my mum, she's been supportive and it's been a non issue. But I sense a storms gonna come when family members confab with one another, but that ain't muh issuers! Y'all can duke it out amongst yo'selves...

I'm on the mend. As Madea would say, "Hal-lay-lou-yer!" The light at the end of the tunnel, I can almost see it. Last week's doctors appointment proved to be most encouraging. The surgeon suggested that I could be fit to return to work soon. He and my current physical therapist project by late August, early September, if progress continues. Hm. Returning to work?Should be interesting. I haven't been in so long, I won't know what to do with myself.

Figure I might as well take advantage of these last few months off and do something constructive with my life instead of what I've been doing. Perhaps I might return to the volunteer center. Possibly do some traveling. Again, dunno. Wanderlust coming on though, and with the summer months fast approaching, yeah I need to get outta Dodge.

So where would I go? Believe it or not, I'm considering a trip out to the Coast, to San Francisco. Maybe in LA. Then my cousin Freddie has been bugging me for months to come to Richmond. And Pride Season is 'round the corner, maybe NYC too... Who knows? Money is the biggest factor, but I'm leaning more towards California since I've never been there. I need to call Daniel to see if I could cop a spot at his crib if I visit. actually moving. Visiting California sounds probable.

Living in Central PA has become stagnant. To be honest, I need a fresh new start. Been pondering a move. I mean really pack my shiggety up and change venue. There are reservations though. Leaving behind Hester, Lady Miss T, Arturo, Junior, and a host of other close friends. Moving requires starting all over again, leaving them behind. But isn't that what life is all about Admittedly, I wanna be around more of my gay brethren, some friendly folk. Central PA's Q population is standoffish and a tad arrogant. Plus there's hardly any "Out" Black Q children around. So a trek south down I-83 to Baltimore or I-95 back to Chocolate City. Or maybe even put the big boy undies on and move to NYC? Fresh start, new venue....time for a fresh new outlook on life.

So who know? Maybe I'll end up with that life I wanted sooner than expect. We'll see.
-Ian

L'il John

Another reason why the Philadelphia Eagles are one colossal pain in my ass (and not the good kind), they release all the good lookin' players. Yeah it's about the talent, I know, but still. At least L.J. is closer to home now that he's with the Baltimore Ravens. Not that I would ever attend a Ravens game, but on the principle, yeah, he's closer....

Happy 29th Bithday L.J.!

Got Racism?

Yeah effing right!

My ass.

Lawdhavmercy! Ian's on a militant tear this morning.Tired of the "isms" today already...Sexism, Racism, Homophobia, Obamaphobia...and it's only 6:30 in the AM.
Oh Christ. What a way to begin your morning, eh? Got up and checked my email and Facebook, saw that one of my "friends" had did one of those annoying little "quizzy" things... Five Historical Things In History I'd stop If You Could. Well you know the fucker had the nerve to put the election of Barack Obama. Put me on blast! Fired off a reply, which I'm sure will end our friendship:

"If I hear one more white person complain about Barack Obama, I think I'm going to be sick. Will y'all get over it already.?!?! He's really not doing that bad of a job! Or is it that White people still see Black people as inferior in this country????? And Dave you put here that you'd stop the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, who by the way, Barack Obama has modeled his presidency upon, or didn't you pay attention during the Inauguration? So far he's {Barack} done the same things Lincoln did, and making better progress. I'm not expecting you to explain yourself or understand why black people think every negative remark against Obama is racist, because you people won't, nor do we have the time or desire to educate ones out of their self-deceived bigotry. I expected better statements than this from you. Really, I did. I'm really disappointed in you man...."

Ian's Inquiry: OK, Said friend might not be a racist, but I get that perception some folks are holding on to 44's election as this great evil, and to me it conveys nothing but racism. So, is every white person who has anything substantial negative about the President being prejudiced or racist?

Personal Matra

Blessed by the Creator, Eternal Father God, who gives me strength. I'm filled with Love, Grace, and Pride. Some days I'm a lil crazy, but NEVAH a bore! My inner child has run amok to reconcile past with present, so I can comprehend future...

Why I Love AD's Photography

Such a simple image, conveys such masculinity, such umph.... Aaron is going places I tell you!

Maxwell

Thanks to Son Of Baldwin for his post a few weeks back on R& B artist Maxwell, reminding me how uber-sexy Maxwell is. Now you know I have that hair fetish thang, but I must admit, I love Maxie's 'do than his previous one. He phine and can sing too? Shoot....

Hey You!

Read in jest, because sometimes the only way to get through the storm is to do a humorous rant along the way and laugh your ass off... This is in response to some recent disrespect I've been receiving. It's not even worth blogging about, you know I will eventually...

Hey you!
Yeah you,
Ya cocky sonuvabitch!
Fucka!
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you bitch!
I know you think you oh-soooo-fuckin' better than me
cause Father God gave you blessings He didn't give me,
Oh well.
Here I stand!

Bitch,
I saw you starin' at me,
laughing,
mockin my mannerisms,
making motions like I was the fattest thing this side of Eden.
I know,
I'm a big boy...A BIG boy.
Gotta problem wit' dat?

Obviously you do.
Fuck off cum wad!
Neanderthal brain mofo. Did I even remotely express interest in your ass?!?!
Just cause I got casual wit'you,
friendly,
conversational-like,
doesn't mean I'm trying creep with you!

Nigga Please.
Cretin.

And exactly who are you to judge me?
Is all your shit in order?
I-don-think-so!
Aw hell nawr, it ain't!
See,
you so busy running around,
fucking ev'rything that moves,
proving yo'self to be a real Black man,
real Latin bruh,
you forgot one thing
I never said I was wanting you.

Yes, I might be a thick brother,
some say fat,
Yes,
I got issues, plenty of 'em,
but you know what?
That don' make me desperate,
I got some integrity.

Dear one,
I have way beyond your shallow image,
beyond that piece of rotten meat between your thighs,
I got my self-worth,
my self-respect!
Though it might be difficult to maintain some days,
I got it!

So see,
I might not be phine as wine,
be trim like Jim,
fabulous as you wanna be,
might not be turnin all the heads at the club,
but that's OK!
Cause I know where my heart stands.
Do you know even where your heart is at?!?!

So you do your thang,
and I'll do mine.
I wish you much love in the end though,
cause though you might not see it,
you're still my brutha,
and if you took the time to see it,
you'd recognize I'm not so bad,
just cause I 'on't look like you.
But thems your issues...

I pray someday you'll get it.
Get that the Creator made us all,
big, small, thin, short, fat, beautiful, not-so-beautiful,
and that the greatest thing there is to life,
is not fucking,
(who cares how many conquests you notched on your bedpost?!?!)
or how many friends you had,
but what good service you did while you was here.

A'ight?
So lemme take back my earlier 'fuck you.'
Replace it with a 'Bless You' instead
See sometimes I get angry,
but no harm,
cause when I touch base with me,
It's HIM I see,
not you,
clears away the facade,
opens doors...
(and they is opening)

On that note,
lemme step.
I got better things to do
than worry 'boutchu,
so wit dat I say
"Peace brother."
catch u on da flip....

By Ian Edwardson
-egane

12 May 2009

Shame

There are moments when trying to find the proper words is so difficult. This morning I'm awake early because I didn't sleep well. Went to bed with too much on my mind, too much in my spirit. I wish I had a better writing skill to express how I'm feeling without coming across as whining, needy or complaining, but so be it, if that's how you perceive it.

By now, you heard of the deplorable situation in Tampa with the 13 year boy being sexually assaulted by his classmates. When I heard it it took me back to my own situation years ago, and all the fear, shame, and doubt washed over me like ice water. In my spirit, I feel a cold unease, an old fear crawling up my spine, as yellow as the cartoons I used to watch, portrayed on television. Sexual assualt happens all the time, but when it happens to children, when it's perpetrated by one's peers, the people you're supposed to trust, well for this overgrown child blogging now, you never get over that hurt and deep sense of being damaged.

Now I'm not going to reharsh my story. It's in the blog. Like Thaddeus said about his own blog, you need to go to the beginning of this blog and read from there. Same about the Axe. You see me here, clear, and raw. Somtimes a little too raw for my tastes. But the events down in Florida also got me thinking how different my life could have been had I not been the victim of sexual abuse and molestation.

Would I still be gay? (Probably.) Would I be more secure in myself, less prone to question my decisions and choices? (Mos def.) Would I have learned to handle situations in a manner where I ddin't need approval and comfort from everyone? (Perhaps.) Would I developed helathier relationships with people, sustaining relationship, that affirmed and edified my spirit? (Unknown.)

These are just a few questions I ask myself. And wonder now how this child is going to respond in turn in his situation. My questions abound with curiosity as to why the victim didn't tell anyone? Did he speak of the bullying to other classmates? What were the circumstances for the assault? Was the young man blossoming into his sexuality, different from the norm? When I look at the four boys, I shake my head. Little thugs. Hoodlums. And while a part of me is glad the Prosecutors are stating they want to try the four youths as adults, part of me feel sorry for them as well.

I mean, God have mercy?!?!! What in Creation possessed this four teens to do this? Was it over power? Over the victim's difference? What" All five of the youth played football together. I understand bullying, but I've never understood the sexual predatory mind....

That's what's on my heart this morning. I'm gonna try to be more positive today, say prayers to the Father Creator for both the victim and myself, but the more things change, the more they stay the same...

Is This Sh!t Funny?

"Comedy" from Chris Spencer. I dunno if I'm being sensitive or just plain indignant, but I didn't find this humorous at all.

More Doors Opening

So I keep threatening to paste my mug to the blog. Yeah, I know, I know. Shoulda done that by now. But everything in it's due course of time.

There are trust issues at play, but slowly but surely I've been hitting a few you, my blogging brethren, up on MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter. So far most of you have been very kinda and welcoming. Only had one person flat out act ig'nant on my ass. His loss.

Now why some of the "Q" children think that because they look different, in their minds, better than you that they can't at least holla atchu, I'll never know. Like your supposed ugliness is gonna rub off on them? Dude, if I was trying to get in your pants, I'd be blurting out overtures and beatitudes by now. Damn. Some people.

But for the most part, I'm stepping from out the comfort zone, hiding behind the blog, and want to hear from some of you on Facebook or MySpace. Send me an email (darktomahawk@ gmail) then I will give you the proper details to contact me. Would love to hear from you...

-Ian

Yeah, I Know...

Good morning brothers and sisters. I'd like to tell you it's time to get ready for your new weekly ritual, but then again, staring at this picture is just going to distract you. What ever you do this day, make it a good one.

Happy Monday!

-Ian

Goodbye Mr. Hooper...30 Yrs Later.

OK, so I'm trucking along on the Internet today when I stumbled across this little clip from Sesame Street. Now for those of you who were born after 1980, forget it. You probably don't remember any of these characters, except maybe Big Bird. Hell, I barely remember Bob, Luis, Maria, Gordon, and the rest of the gang...

I remember this episode so well. It remember it was a little controversial at the time because the actor who played Mr. Hooper had died in real life and the writers of the show, rather than replace him, decided to address the issue with the viewers. Must admit watching this again as an adult brought a little tear to my eye. The innocent of childhood lost, I suppose.

Ian's inquiry: What childhood show had a significant impact in transitioning you from childhood to the next stage in the game?

Mama

Happy Mother's Day to any of the moms reading!

Angels & Demons

I loved both Dan Brown's Robert Langdon novels, but this book, Angels & Demons, was my favorite. I'm hoping the movie will prove to be far better than Da Vinci Code. While this book is just as lengthy and informative with some historical facts, many segments can be removed and you'll still have an intriguing plot to carry the story. However, let's hope screenwriters gave this one better justice.

Still not sold on Tom Hanks as the the lead character, but he's growing on me. If this film does well, perhaps this will give Dan Brown the impetus to pen further Robert Langdon. Or maybe they'll consider turning his other works, Digital Fortress and Deception Point, into cinematic masterpieces!

Brother Spotlight: David James

It's a shame most Americans don't watch football, European futebol, that is. I'm only now discovering the various handsome men running around in those oh-so-easily removed shorts. Damn. I thought some of the brothers in the NFL were hot! Shoot. Slowly but surely soccer is gaining a lil following here in the States. Maybe all those baseball performance enhancing scandals will drive fans over that direction? Maybe? Doubt it.

Now I'll admit, I don't know much about soccer either, but watching the reactions of fans worldwide, the sport definitely needs investigation. Plus every time I turn around there's some post on this someone's blog or another about a player getting "dacked." Hm. Interesting. Wish some out boys in pads and cleats would find themselves in their skivvies on the playing feed e'ery now and again. Sigh. We Americans can be such prudes, no?

Back to David. He's of British and Dominican descent and has been known by his the nickname Calamity James. I know David plays in the goalkeeper position, but other than that, not much else. I shoulda did a Google and Wikipedia search on him before I post him, but I was so blown away, I figured I can make an exception in this case. Was so moved by his rugged looks, did a feature both here and over on Chocolate Salsa.