Final Words Of 2009

As the last few hours of the first decade of the new millennium are winding down, lemme just say a huge thank you to all of you out there, reader and contributor alike.

2009 saw many ups, and a few downs, but we made it through. The calendar is about to flip and I'm sure plenty of us are thinking about new goals and resolutions we'll attempt to accomplish in the coming 3-6-5.

To this I say, do your thang and do it riiiiight!

Personally, I've set aside a few tasks for myself... one is to quit smoking sometime before my birthday... among other bad habits I need to improve upon. Speaking with one of my life coaches this afternoon, he encouraged me to "stop worrying about whatever is on my mind, that there was no reason for, and go ahead and just be {me}."

So that is the advice I'm passing on. "Just be you, and do the damn thing!" Whatever you set your mind to this coming year, work on it and don't let anything, or anyone, derail you from your ambition. Stand firm.

Now, I'm gon' need y'all to remind me of those words in a few weeks when 'Mr. Grumbly-Pants' comes out and starts carrying on like I know I do. Hahahaha.

So, I wish you the very best for the night and the coming days. Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve...and in the words of my favorite television personality, Neicy Nash, "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful! Mmmmnh!"

Happy 2010!
-Ian

No Mo Damn Excuses...

Baby boys and girls, the time has come and it has started now. Got on the not so-friendly scale the other day and it groaned. Bitch! Um, yeah I knew I was closely creeping up to look like Fat Albert's twin, but didn't think the numbers were topping as quickly as they had. Hm.

Now, I can think of plenty excuses as to why the weight has collected around my middle, but in the end they're all tired lame-ass excuses. Yo Ian! You big sloppy fatso, you ain't hardly cute!

Well, I never!

And you never will if you keep on pace. ....
So in accordance with resolutions and this time oh year and Shizz, I'm starting a new game plan to get my sexy back. (Did I ever have it????) Might be too late to get fit and phine in Oh-Nine, but most definitely by next year this time.

With that said, be on the look out for a new blog coming your way. Oh you'll know it when you see it because I plan to be quite frank and candid with what I do, eat, blah blah blah... Call it evolution. Call it being health smart. Call it whatever, but at this period in my life, I am sick of feeling disgusting and affected by the myriad of health problems raising their ugly head...
Oh! Hell! No!
-Ian

Happy Blog Anniversary!

It's the wee hours in the morning I and just got off the phone with the CSC. Was trolling through Facebook, making my Happy Birthday comments when I realize its my own blog's anniversary. Wow, has it been three years already?

Haven't spent much time blogging lately, not much going on and everything going on at the same time. Too much drama as my brother Corey would say. It's ironic, because read on Corey's Facebook page that MacDaddy passed away yesterday; his blog was one I admired and now I celebrate my own foray on the web. I haven't been keeping up with the blogs, but indeed, our community is just that much more smaller with his passing... There. That was a tribute of a decent blogger, better than I ever can aspire.

So what does the next 3-6-5 hold in store? Does anyone ever know the answer to that question? Seriously though, I've been at odds with myself about keeping my blog running. I've gotten away from posting much because i was putting so much of myself into Cyberspace, I almost lost myself. Plus when you start to entangle your affairs with others from the Blogosphere, well, what's said offline often needs to stay there. It's been interesting to say the least.

It's interesting when I go through what I've chronicle hear and the lessons I've learned, the ones I haven't learned, it just astonishes me to think maybe there is a bad piece after all. Barring the bad grammar or the missed word here or there, I think I've shown heart and depth of the person behind the words. Must admit, lately I wanted to shut it down. Stop and let go. But given that there is still so much more exploration needed, I will continue. Never said I was the best writer or even the most interesting, but I try to be real here...

-Ian

Quick Update.

Hey Readers! I know it's been a minute, but I'm working on a post for today. My goal is to contribute at least one post a day this week. I gotta get ready for work or else I would pen my thoughts now. I hope to have words on here around lunch time.

-Ian

Behind My Closed Door

Today is my day off and to be honest, I don't feel like fucking leaving the house. I'm a bit demystified with folk and I need a day to day at home and cool my jets. This holiday season has been an unusual one and for the first time I sincerely get why people get all bent outta shape, annoyed, stressed, and frazzled over Holiday time. I'm so over it. Feel a definite "Rudy Rush" moment coming on... "Tell ''em why you mad, son!"

Too much to mention, but mostly I'm irritated with self more than anyone else.Annoyed with the stupidity I've given in taking people at face value when I know better. So my ambition today is stay indoors and stay away from people, lest I cuss a few folks out for pissing me off. Not trynna be negative, just admitting people have been workin' my last nerve. I'm too nice to call out on others, but dang, let's act like grown as adults here. Please.

One Journey Ends

So it's raining gently outside. Almost peaceful. Bit chilly outside and I've been tinkering with my Blackberry all evening tryna figure all the little gadgets and apps, but there are some positives going on and I feel like I accomplished a few things today.

Without going into trememendous detail, I did "finish" a few projects and am ready to soar into 2010 and whatever that may bring. Can't say I'm completely satisfied this the resolution, but an ending is an ending and I'm hoping some good comes from letting go and just accepting. Things sometimes have away of resolving on their own when we stop trying to control the situation. So I'm hard-headed. OK, but the message has been received.

I know there is anticipation from a few over on M.A.L.E. what the big anouncement is gonna be. Decided to wait until the week to drop that news. It should make a few people happy, others irritate the fuck outta them. {I smile inwardly because I know what I'm doing and they don't}. It's all good. But there are hints out there...if you are a friend on Facebook, I've left a bread crumb trail.... mayhaps there are clues in this very post, even. Perhaps. For now my lips are sealed.
Nunc Coepi.

The Broken

So in speaking with a close friend last night, I relayed that I am very tired....spiritually, physically, emotionally...and I don't have much to give these days. It's sad when you wake more exhausted than when you went to bed. These next couple of weeks are going to be tough because I sense I'm entering into one of my funks. Ill timed, this funk will overlap the Holiday Season, which is probably the worst time for me to be experiencing any mental health crisis.

Usually I enjoy the Holiday Season, but as I grow older and the solid fact I am alone in many ways...not just in a relationship, but in family situations too, makes it harder to get all gleeful and ecstatic about this time of year. I kinda am losing my faith and diligence with church/faith, although I still believe the Creator has a Plan for me (my inner Six told me so, so I believe!), but I just am worn out. Completely. I'm faking it, going through the motions, and nothing really is worthy of writing home about. Nada.

One particular highlight of my day is when I get the chance to chat with my friend, they usually can snap me outta my moroseness, but therein is a whole 'nother mess I really don't feel like discussing. So, that said, I mentioned to them last night that each day becomes increasingly that much hard to throw me feet over the edge, and place on the flo', and get the day going. It's just the same old shit.

I'm working overtime to try and save up money for the Holidays and my birthday vacation, but then my job decided to fuck us real good by pulling a fast one. Can't explain that sitch for obvious reasons...only that I'm just about ready to turn in my papers and go flip some burgers. Being chained to a desk, besieged all day with exhausting work that's like a never ending tide, wears on a person after awhile. Don't get me wrong I like the work I do, just not how the system operates. Hmm. I love to be able to sit in my office all day long and have my employees wonder what i do all day, while I deligate work to everyone else, come in late, leave early...but lemme stop. You know shit always gets back. But it if does, oh well. I ain't mentioned not one damn name.... Far as any of you know, I could be working for the Obama Administration...in which case I would love and adore my boss...but naw. I'm just an average peon. Or is it pee-on? Hmph!

Anyhoo. It's still early this morning and I'm gonna try to get a few more winks before having to get up and face yet another day of overload...I'm just fucking exhausted.

Moody

Wow this makes several new posts in only two days. What's going on here Q-bert? I'm just pittering at the keyboard because I'm a mood. I won't go on the usual rant, just babble a bit. Tonight I probably will go to bed early and crawl up into a tight ball in bed. Everything is outta whack right now. I'm might not be able to go to LA after all, and a lot things have just been nagging the fuck at me lately, despite my best efforts to keep a fortified attitude. I'm just annoyed.
Ah well, nobody likes a grump, especially when it goes on and on, so I will just quit blogging for tonight and rest. I doubt I will rest. My refuge of late is not so much a comfort, just a reminder to make changes. Yep.

So how was your day?

Crash and Burnt

....Um. I guess I messed up! *gulp* But it's all good. Never say and old fool can't learn from mistakes, and I just made a huuuuuge mistake. LOL.

I always believe that if you put good intentions ahead of you and work diligently, well, the Universe would smile favorably upon you. Uh no. Nice guys finish last baby. Piss or be pissed on... that's the lesson. Say it with me Ian.

Uh no. Not gonna do it...yet I find myself wondering if having hope is just a sense of delusional thinking. Hmm. Oh I'll be thinking about this all day.

For now, I have a job to do. So let me do it....

What's Been Going On...

Been a while since I sat down to pen my thoughts on what's been going on... not that I haven't wanted to, but the last time I talked to my dear big brother Corey, he gave me a kind, yet firm schooling. Since that time, whenever I go to commiserate my life situation, I hear Corey's voice in the background telling to "stop comparing." It's halted me a number of times in my tracks from pulling up the laptop and dictating my journey. Believe me though, you haven't missed much.

Life has reach a point where I'm at a few crossroads and have choices to make. Not sure what I need to do, but I'll have my answers soon enough. There have been some trial and error moments, issues that have bubbled to the surface and struggling to make ends meet. As Corey put it, "It's just too much drama." So without my drama, I find I have nothing significant to write about. Not so though.

Recently I saw a blogger posted a video of gospel artist Donnie McClurkin calling gay folks "vampires" and other manner of evil. Now I won't go in on Donnie like so many of my contemporaries, but I will say I have given thoughts on some of his comments and can, to an extent, see his point of view. But one must remember, in his own life situation, there is much self-hatred and disdain for his own self, so to me its understandable why he would make such accusations. Donnie is just as gay as the rest of us GBM/SGL folk. One man's opinion does not make something true or so.

However, in conversation with the ever fabulous Stella Della and the Pharaoh, I've been analyzing the concept of the "homosexual" vampire. It's something I would like to explore in thought on the blog in the next few days, but I need to work out the words in my head. I promise to write a little each day until I get my own opinion written.

In other plans, I'm pleased to announce plans to celebrate my impending 40th birthday have been set....I'm headed to the West Coast to experience Vegas and LA. Wow! I'm soooo excited. Doesn't take much, but at the same token, I do have some reservation about going to the land of "beautiful people" when I feel like a troll myself. It's the weight issues that have bubbled to the surface. It all falls in-line with my thoughts regarding Donnie's vampire remark. It'll make sense once I get into it.

That's all for now. I promise to be more diligent in my posting. Just been going through my changes APU (as-per-usual) and not wanting to come across as Mr. Sad Sack 2009.

The First Priority

..is to oneself and perhaps only to God. Everyone else will let you down in the long run.

No, I am not in a mood again... well, not in the way you might think. Just having a wake-up call this week and putting into perspective where to pick up the pieces or perhaps, just start all over again. I'm going with the latter rather than the former. Let what has fallen to the wayside stay there. There's nothing in particular I'm referencing, just generalized thoughts here.

I suppose this week was a blessing. Hell, I've been told every day is a blessing, so yeah... it was. But as an ally in the cause told me, "You got alotta love to give Ian, stop wasting time on foolishness and do the damn thing." Bet. Well, there are things we want to do, and things we dread to do, but I'm take each day in segments. Not one day at a time, but one hour at a time. That's all I can do for now.

On that note, I think my foray with this blogging adventure might be coming to a close soon. I don't have much to offer in terms of wisdom, especially when I don't follow it my damn self. LOL. But Ego and Pride are telling to hold on to hopes and dreams when reality is shoveling something else in my face. Wish I had answers to the questions I seek, but they will unfold in time. One hope I'm holding on to, and that life has a greater purpose for me than what I have right now.

Talking a bit cryptic today, but my mind is working in oddities so, believe, it doesn't make sense to me either....

Yawn and a stretch...

Haven't been blogging because there hasn't been anything blog worthy to discuss, my life is too dull. All the relationships prospects have fizzled... the one I thought might have been a potential, I guess he kinda set me straight the other day... sad inna way, the guy was really sweet.

Anyhoo, my Phillies made it to a second World Series, which is well-deserved. I think the team had to make it this year for Harry's sake, God Rest his soul.

Other than that, nothing new going on, just working. Hope things are more exciting in your world peeps.

Didn't....

Getting through today was really difficult. You didn't have to tell me twice it was time to pack up my shizz and go home, but now that I'm home, I'm wondering why I was in such a rush to get outta there?!?! I'm coming home to an empty house, too many chores and tasks to do, too little motivation to do.

Hmm. I really should put the Da Doo Dirty Show on and pray DJ is really on a rant. I feel bitchy. I feel sad. I feel conflicted. Been stirring the pot a little lately with a friend, digging deeper with issues I've never spoken on. Not sure to comment on where that has my head.

I really find myself with little to blog about these days. Life is so uninteresting and vapid. Sure last weekend I was on a high because I go to talk to my little pet Cylon, but that's a whole 'nother story. CrazySexyCool is still all those things...and perhaps more. Gotta be grateful for those late night discussions. Lord though, I need sleep. I'm not calling anybody and not to be ig, but I hope nobody calls me. I'm gonna sit down and watch a good movie tonight, maybe do blog post, and come up with the reinvention of Ian. Baby, things are a mess, but I ain't speaking on it. Uh-uh. Too much. LOL.

Be encouraged mes amis. I'm trying to be...

Positive Vibes

Good morning folks. I'm up this morning trying to figure out if I should go back to work today or not. I feel better this morning, but I don't want to rush things neither. I should just go and see how I feel and take it from there. If I do, need to get ready soon.

Hey, it's Friday! Cool. Was just reading on the new dress code policy at Morehouse College. I many respects I agree with it and others I don't. Whatever. Doesn't affect me in the slightest. I'm a grown ass man. However the part on no "grillz" and no saggin' pants I think is long overdue edict!

Oh, the President won the Noble Peace Prize! Wow, didn't even know 44 was up it. Already, folks are bitching about this. Plus the nomination of a gay ambassador to Samoa & New Zealand has drawn fire from others, saying all manner of comments. I'll refrain from expressing opinion. Just sad.

My last thought this morning, and I suppose this a blessing, is I'm very thankful for my good friends, both on the 'Net and Real time, who've been great supporters and champions. Folks like Della, Corey, Aus, Pharaoh, and a few other folks. Hope you make the most of your weekend....

Broken Clocks Are Right 2 Times Per Day..

So I've been sick the last few days and nothing has gotten accomplished around the house, nothing done except me laying around like Jabba the Hutt on my dais all day long. Ho hum. Actually, I crossed a threshold or two with a few important areas. Enough to say I'm rectifying a mistake. Or mistakes. I'll leave it at that. But No, I told Della I was going to sleep. Told CrazySexCool that too, but I laid on the mattress for like a minute...had to raise up outta that bed. But I don't feel chatting no more. Can't call CrazySexCool back because I definitely don't want him thinking I'm tripping. We had a lil disagreement over a topic I shall refrain from sharing. For that matter, nothing discussed today can come on this blog. LOL. It's too complicated to say why...

But anyhoo, there is some good news, another SOMETHING I can't discuss! Shit. Do I need to make a blog nobody reads to write what's on my mind?!?! ROFL. Hm. That's a good idea. But wait, aren't those just called journals???? Nah. Where's the sense of verbal exhibitionism? I suppose there is a side of me that trips on sharing my ups and downs. Hmph. But anyway, all the events that were significant and blog-worthy, gotta stay within their respective places. But I can elude to this much, there is a new dawn (?) coming and with that dawning comes a SIGNIFICANT paradigm shift.

Moving on... Now my biggest issue is wrestling with the decision do I go to work tomorrow or not. I feel better, but I should make sure I feel 100% before I return. What I wouldn't give to be 16 again for a year. No responsibilities, no pressures, ....no men! The bane and boon to existence, right? Fair enough though, you can't fault that which is established and created when you built the foundation on a slippery slope to begin with. So the begins starts with the end. But anyway, sorry, my mind is working in a thousand circles, trying to process several things.

Is New York nice in the fall????

Proclamation

My soul hurts this morning. I don't feel like getting ready for work or dealing with anyone else and their problems today. I'm tired, exhausted really, drained from the demands going on within my heart and soul...worn out. Dammit, I'm feeling physically run down and tired of chasing my tail or jumping through hoops for naught. What's wrong with you brother?!?! Get it together!

Didn't get enough sleep last night, another night of fretful sleep, only wake up more tired than when my head hit the pillow. E.J. dropped in last night unexpected and of course at the saw time as my celly rang with CrazySexyCool calling. I called CSC back after E.J. left, let him talk his smoothness in my ear to lull me into peaceful restful thoughts. Mind you, I didn't say he bored me, just allowed myself to ease off the masks I usually keep on during the day. It's easy with CSC to just be real and not have to front about a damn thing. So many try to run game on you, it's just nice to be able to act in accord with who you are and NOT who somebody else wants you to be. Alas, that's my fault because Ian is a people pleaser...but you knew that already?

So looking at the reality of what's going on in my world, everyone of late keeps asking what's going on? My answer? Nothing much. I work. I come home. Might talk to a few folks. Then I retire, get up and start the process all over again. Boring, I know, but such is as it has to be... for now.

Looking ahead to my 40th birthday, a good friend asked me if I was anxious or upset about entering the new decade. I answered as honestly as I could, saying I just hope they are calmer than my thirties. Going at this game alone hasn't been and isn't easy, but I am reclaiming myself and if along the way something good falls into place, so be it. The most difficulty notion to dismiss is that I am not the person I thought I would be, but have all the potential to be the person I could be. The key is patience, something I'm not good at. It's the lesson CrazySexyCool is teaching me, whether he knows it or not (he will know now...he reads my blog). I admire CSC because has so much he doesn't see about himself that I wish I had. But then again, I suppose the same could be said about yours truly. Why is it we never see the things others see in ourselves?

The Search Is Over

So Crush # 1, henceforth to be known as CrazySexyCool, and I were chatting up on the phone this afternoon. He's being dubbed CSC because he's being downgraded (upgraded, really) to awesome friend... the crush has fizzled, but we're developing an nice little friendship which is most refreshing. Not to get all Aesop-ish, but the grapes were probably sour anyway. LOL.

The reason I bring him up is I've decided to hang up the search for someone for a long time and just delight in myself. Not something I would to do, but something I just have to do. I will leave it at that. Please don't leave comments saying well it's good to be by yourself, the right will come along, you just need to be patient,yadda yadda yadda ...

Yeah, all true, but when you find yourself being the fifth or seventh wheel perpetually, after awhile you do start to think things. So, rather than torture myself, I figure if I give don't look (notice I didn't say give up) maybe I can just fall in love with myself and say fuck it to dating? LOL. It's really overrated, given all the people I know who are and they're all having problems out the wazoo.

10/1/2009

Welcome back. Thanks for sticking around. I've received a few messages these last few days so i must continue to push this venture forward...It's a brand new month, brand new day, brand new attitude. I hope. So much to catch you up on. My forays into find a decent relationship are going on hiatus. Will explain that later. The crush-factor has now turned into really, really good friends factor...probably a good thing. Crush # 1 is a mess, but gets me and is non judgmental. Oh there ain't a chance in hell anything is evah gon' jump off, but I feel like I gained a brother rather than a lover. Boyfriends come and go, but a brother that has your back, is priceless...

Stay tuned later tonight. I got shit to do around the house for now. On my only day off this week, I need to do all the things normally reserved for the weekends. Next weekend is DC provided I can catch up with Scott747 and crash at his pad. I'm excited though. I feel like there is a purpose afoot....

10-01-09: Return of the 'Hawk!

Hey Brothers and Sisters!

As the month of September is coming to a close, my return to work in full swing, I feel properly rested and will be resuming my regular blogging routine. There's gonna be a few changes, maybe even a surprise too, so stay tuned....

Ian

My twittascope

You cannot hide your true emotions now, even if you try. It's like they are posted on your forehead and everyone can see exactly how you are feeling. But still, your sudden emotional outburst may surprise others. You feel it coming and know that it will encourage someone else to express his or her feelings, too.

Dealing With Loneliness

Originally had this titled "Dealing With Lonely," but I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't proofreading. Naw.

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and I'm sitting here in the house. No motivation to go out. No motivation to cook. No motivation to do much. It's just me, myself, and I here. But in that, there is a stillness and quiet as I'm collecting myself and prepping for eventualities. Take those in any number of ways. resolving situations, ending unanswered quests, closing door, prepping for new chapters...

Peace be still, I hear a whisper. And the sound from that call sounds ever so sweet. Beckoning me to reach new elevations. I don't really know what the sound is, just know the melody. Feel the words without hearing the intonation. A part of me rises, glad to freedom's key.

Free associative writing today. Sorry if it doesn't make sense. It does to me. Kinda. Now it's time to get something to eat. My fat ass is famished.

Ye Olde Internet Crush

Poking fun at myself, but sharing a piece of wisdom in return...being candid and frank, as only I can be, I decided to pen my thoughts on a few of mine...

At the behest of Della, I finally "grew a pair" and confronted one of my Internet crushes on my Jonsing on him. It was more than a lil humbling, but was cathartic at the same time.

Now I say "one" of my Internet crushes because I have about four or five running concurrently. I shall not give name to any of my crushes, save for Mr. Lonzie, who er'ryone across the Blogosphere must know I had "the vapors" for that man. LOL.

Naw! No names here. Let's refer to the remaining as Crush #1, Crush #2, Crush #3, and Crush #4. Some of my blogging buds know about my attractions, some don't. I think only Corey knows about #4, because I had tell somebody, but on a whole I WILL NOT speak on #4 because, well as the saying goes, "What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas." I'm not even sure #4 knows. Well, duh, actually...he should. But I digress.

Moving On...

OK. So. Crush #1 is a brother I've been drawn towards for a looooong time. Long time. I was definitely afraid to make a play for him cause I perceived myself being outta his league. And even though we've talked a few times, I found myself painfully shy to say shiite to this cat. But I did confess my interest to Della and Gayte-Keeper. Keeper's been prompting me for months to talk to #1, but I wasn't having it. I knew how the outcome would go down, blah blah blah. But it wasn't until I spoke with the wise and venerable Miss Della, [M.A.L.E.]'s newest author, that I said to myself "why not."

Let's interject the rationale behind my hesitance. It's not that I'm not cute, for I AM. In fact, I'm FAAAAABULOUSLY cute, thick, and delicious in my own respect. However, surmising what I put together on #1 personae, writing, and image, I knew I wasn't his type. Knew I didn't fit the profile. My trepidations stem in my experience that generally bruhs I'm attracted to don't find me attractive. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.Oh yeah, I'm fine for friendship, but their nevah weak in the knees over me. Not crying woe, just an observation. But young and refreshing Della raised a wonderful point. Wise and true, nothing ventured is nothing gained.

Tonight the moment allowed for #1 and I to talk through Instant Messenger and graduate to a phone call. The convo was rich, warm, and interesting. The good brother has a deliciously smooth voice, a bravado, and I can "conversate" well. (Yes, I know conversate isn't a word. It's "irregardless."Oops that's not a word either, huh?) Crush #1 has swag. Damn good swag (think T.J. Holmes and President Obama swag). Very down to Earth. His ease made it relaxing for me to confess my "sins" and we dished on a variety of topics, including him getting nekkid. (Oh Lawd! Had to really push past that part. I think bruh is Phoine. Not fine. Or Phine. But PHHHHHOINE. And yes, we discussed opinion on that too.)

As anticipated, Crush gently lemme know he wasn't interested, and I can't say I blame him given individual circumstances. Yet, dude has a clearer picture of me and my situations than anyone I know, including my circle of brothers (Toddy, Scott, Corey, Gayte-Keeper, Mike, etc etc.) so I can see us becoming fast friends and even "Brothers of the Q-hood."

Overall, I'm grateful for #1 kindness. Unlike an earlier situation in the week when another crush, #3 put me on blast, blurting out "Ew" at the suggestion I might like him (it's all good, he explained why). That was one my lower moments when I really wanted to bury myself in the dirt. Rest assured, I think Crushes #1, #3, and # 4 and I have/will have stronger bonds in the coming days, weeks, and months. As for Crush # 2? He's off the radar somewhere...I haven't spoken to #2 in possibly 3, 4, or 5 months. And Thaddeus was a pipe dream, but I can take comfort I wasn't the only man captured under Thaddy-Daddy's spell. No names. "Vapors," though.

So the point of confessing my shame? Well, guess most of all, I come away from this feeling a little better confronting fear. In real life I tend to be very shy. While my good brother Thomas has ascribed me being rather "in-your-face" at times, I'm not. Oft times I'm reserved. Although I can speak my mind, share intimate details others would find quite embarrassing, when it comes to finding a mate? Oh, I'm just a big ole gay neophyte.

"Totally unprepared am I,
to face a world of men....
Timid and shy and scared am I,
of things beyond my ken"

Yes, boys and girls, Ian finds himself unworthy of the fellas who've caught his eye. Whether because he feels inadequate due to financial status, wealth, maturity, common sense, experience, weight, mental health, what have you, without the aid of alcohol or other substances to take him to level of "brass balls," he get caught up in his own defeatist notions. Perhaps he creates a self-fulling prophecy, and probably so, but tonight I summoned courage to go with it, laid my cards on the table, and see where would things go. Taking the chance is the learning experience, not the outcome.

While the outcome didn't to my favor, I'm that much closer to feeling more relaxed in my own skin. The lesson is an infinitesimally small one, but still a lesson nevertheless. Maybe I'm not in the position to dole out advice, given how I'm fighting emotions of humiliation at the moment, but I will say take a chance on a situation. If you personally are presented with an opportunity, go for it. It's better to speak your mind and know what happened, then to never have and NOT know what COULD HAVE happened.

So take a good laugh at my shame, I am, and then apply this in whatever means are at your disposal right now. How's it go again? Carpe Diem? Seize the Day. The possibility may just work to your advantage, it may not, but you'll never know unless you take the chance...

The Day Was Good

A little therapy, a little laughs, a little flirting, and a whole lotta confession. Yes the day was good.

States I will Never See...

13 states (26%) Ian plans on never to visit!
Create your own visited map of The United States or Best time to visit Copenhagen

I saw this on another blog and decided to put a spin on it. LOL.

And Then You Woke Up

Well tomorrow is supposed to be the day I take my blogging break, but thanks to Austin (who practically begged me not to), I'll just be posting less, but not taking a lengthy break. But ahhh, I'm tired. So tired.

I suppose things have been heavy on my mind about things outta my control. I return to work two weeks. There's mixed emotions about that. Not sure whether the time off was well spent. I mean I did heal, but there is so much more I should have done, could have done. Hm. Shoulda, coulda, woulda right? Story of my life, heh heh.

Moreover, I'm still deeply troubled over the situation that happened last week between, I guess now, a former friend, and I. When the situation went down, I let the person know how truly humbled and sorry I was. They wrote me back and said not to worry about anything, but I know for a fact the situation has not been forgiven. Don't wanna go into tremendous details, but the gist is I have it when I have people upset me. Call it old issues. I like to have peace in my life where I can, and when people are angry or upset with me, I will try my best to resolve matters. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out. Now for the person in question, I suppose something simple and seeming innocent hurt enough to cause the backlash I received, and it is cutting me like a knife, but that is a harsh lesson I have to learn. Not everyone in life is going to like you, love you, or even support you.

Easy to write, less to take to heart.

I'm feeling troubled in my spirit, vulnerable. Not like i can do anything except let go, but you know I wish things were different. At my wonderful stage in life I do try to hold on dear and steadfast to the little I have. Letting go ain't easy, but I still ahve dignity and I will not beg. The old saying I can muster with full conviction is "Forgiveness is not about the forgiven." So true. When we have the ability to forgive, the true blessing is not on the person receiving the forgiveness, but on ourselves. When we let go of the hurt, anguish, anger, blah blah blah, the Universe then in turn allows our spirit to bloom, transcend into something else. Someone better.

Damn, maybe I need to take my own advice. LOL.

How Do You "Do It?"

It astonishes me, really, how reserved I can be sometimes. Or at least, I should say, how much I pretend to be "hip" with things folks do, that is certainly not in my nature. Hmm. Bear with me as I ramble. It's the wee hours of the morning and I got woken up, still sleepy.

I dunno. Phone sex, camming, all those things I normal would keep private, seem to be prevalent with folks these days. I guess I'm too old school, too modest, but I prefer to have my encounters up close and personal, not on the phone. To me it just makes me more in the "amorous mood" and without you here, and I have is myself (quite boring)!

Corey shared with me a lil tip the other week to remember these folks are not my peers, don't think of them as such, but I must admit I stand mystified and in awe. Shocked, yet titillated be the freedom of expression people have. I doubt you will ever be seeing Ian in the all-together on the 'Net (Lord, let's hope not). I do appreciate those who do however. I just wonder how do you get the balls to put yourself out for public display?

Perhaps, I'm too hung up on shit. Then again, I'm almost 40 and we all know I have my issues...

My Hiatus Is Nearing: 9/1/2009

I can't always tell when I've been online too long by my mood. LOL. Naw, I'm good. Getting ready for bed soon. Looking forward to taking a break from blogging in September.

My goal is not to go near any of my blogs and I'm making arrangements so things will continue on in my absence. Wow. I'm really stepping down from it. Hard to believe, but real life comes before dreams. My goals for my projects with happen, just in the time table I forsee. S'OK. Rome was created over centuries, not months. The day will come.

So much to wrap up in twelve days...Wow. I'm stressing, but feeling the burn. Ha! Go Go Go!

My Brothers, I Do Humbly Apologize....

I realize my recent shenanigans are probably pissing everyone off to the extreme. For that I do humbly apologize. Hey, I told y'all recently I have mental health issues and I do run hot/cold with my emotions. Do cut me some slack.

Fear not though, Corey sat me down and whipped my ass into shape this morning. He pulled me aside, listened to my concerns,took the time to hear me vent, then LOVINGLY, read me the riot act. Told me my behavior lately has not been CUTE by any means. Hmph. See? Isn't that what big brothers are for. Of course, in the end he gave me so much praise and reassurance, I was humbled into embarrassment over my tirades. So I promise to be bettah!

I'll post more in a bit on what's been going down, but right now I'm working on my posts for [M.A.L.E.] and trying to get them proofread by my compatriot for publication. Got one more to write before the two will be ready for viewing. The others I will complete over the course of the weekend.

So, to my brothers, who care and always check in on me, Corey, Viktor, Hector, Thomas, David, Toddy, Kishna, and Jimmy...thanks for being patient with me. Promise I'm reigning my bull-shiggety in SOOOOOON!

Thursday

So old boy was gonna go out to the bar, but alas, no one is around to be my designated driver. Hmph! I suppose this means most folks have lives huh? Heh heh. Not to worry though. I alwasy have alcohol in the pantry and have cracked open a bottle of White Zinfandel. Yum. Nothing better to do on a dull Thursday evening. Oh I could be working on my writing assignment, but nah. That's too much like real work.

So how are all you? I hope you guys taking the time to read my words are all doing fine. Thanks to my bestests buds out there who left messages of encouragement. I'm still not in a good place, but such is my cross to bare, and without burdening all my woes on you, I shall keep quiet. After this, I'll finish my third glass of wine, then I think it's an early evening. Tomorrow I might actually do something productive. Walk amongst the Children of the Q. But I'm not going to any lame ass bars around here. I think I might make a quick jaunt home to the Love City, crash over night at a friends, and then creep back sometime Saturday.

Enjoying this time while it lasts. I return to work soon.

The Truth Hurts, But Is Always Good.

OK, I've recovered from my rant from earlier. Some. But in my tirade I also discovered a little something about myself, truthfully so... I am so not prepared for life. Sure I fumble around, do my best, but I've been fucking up too much lately for my own self-satisfaction.

I'm not happy about it. Been trying to put the good face on, tell myself it's all gonna be alright, listen to the reasonable voices in my life say the same, but really? Really? Ugh.

No, I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself. Just admitting facts. In an interpretive moment. Reflective....Dudes, I got skewed somewhere in life and been playing catch up ever since. Been disappointed by a few souls I thought were kind individuals; some who show their true colors when called upon. I feel you. Know your number now. No hate. Just don't look for me to worship at your feet again anytime soon. The truth hurts. You, nor I, are Superman. Take off your "S" brother, and come join the rest of humanity.

Men disappoint me so. Perhaps I just disappoint myself. And before I have a Halle Berry moment, say something I might regret later on the status of my black gay brothers, I will shut up. Just know I feel confused and disillusioned in so many ways by you. Especially those of you who think because you're beautiful and perfect, that er'rybody needs to be humbled in your presence. Do you really have that much disdain for me? Really? SMH. Regardless what you think, I am no less of a man than you because how I look or think or emote. No less. But you keep telling yourself that I am. Just do that. If it truly makes you happy...

{Ian slowly fades out into the distance...}

Just Phine?

If I were just phine,

I would hope I would treat all my brothers with
dignity and respect,
love them for who they are
treasure them for all the things they are not

If u was just phine
I would hope u would conduct yo'self in a way
that brought pride and adulation on your foreparents
not tarnish or sully their name

See,
a real sexy man
respects that some men are different
diffent sizes and shapes
hues and shades
that some have issues
that run deep as the Mississippi
if only
you was that person,
but you're not!

Walk a mile in another man's shoes
that's what I was always told
but there a moments
when I despise this niggas, nikkas, and whatevah thug
inappropriate name they wanna subscribe too
and yes you homo faggots boys,
most especially you

Why you always gotta be truning your nose up in tha air
actin' as if I am shit beneath your toes
why you act like you never had a mama
teach you better 'an that
You know you grandmama would be shaking her head
She accepted your ass.
so why you can except me?
Oh I forgot,
God gave you a lil more extra than me.
Gotcha.

Yeah fuckas,
I'm big, fat, a bitch sometimes
but I'm still a person,
why can you be real wit yo'self?
For real, for real?
See listen baby boy
your big dig is just that
them curves you got accentuating your frame
ain't shit if you don't have brains in between yo ears.

Oh wait,
but you think you do.
My bad.
OK, maybe you can articulate a sentence or two,
word!
But you are arrogant.
Stuck up
conceited
full of yo'self
Mr. Self Potification at your damn best
and while others will bow down
worship at the font of your glory
I chose to stand apart
kiss my mutha fuckin' ass
Like B says...
Bitch Boo Bye.

I invest no more time in you
none.
See, spent my whole life feelin' frustrated
cause I wasn't like you
whether cause I was thick
or cause God BLESSED me with love for a man
there was always sumthin.
But now,
I realize y'all just some tired
weak-minded individuals
and your look ain't gonna last forever
Uh uhnt
and someday
some man gon' look atchu
the same way you look at me
and I wanna be there
standing in the wings
laughin my muthafuckin' faggot ass
at your embarrassment

Bitch
You done piss'd me off for the last time
now step
git gone
I got better people to love
better men to respect
starting with myself
Ole Ian's gonna just fine...

The Wheat From The Tare

So in lieu of deleting my Facebook and Twitter accounts I've decided this, I'm gonna create new ones. These will be filled with people I know, love, and trust implicitly.

No more Judases or wolves in sheep clothing in my life. The old saying is keep your friends close but your enemies closer, right? Well, right now I need to keep the friends closer than that.

Now the only problem is sifting the wheat from the tare.

Alexander Day

It's an "Alexander" day y'all so I'm not feelin' in the best of moods this afternoon. I'm rather pissed off and grumpy. Tryna hold it together for this blog post, but it's difficult. If you forget the reference, Alexander refers to the book, Alexander And the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. And, again, Alexander is one of my middle names, which I don't particularly care for... so when I'm being Mr. Pissy, I'll refer to myself as Alexander.

Simple shit pisses me off and in my current state of being I really to read the riot act to anyone who have a thing or two to try and school me. I'm just not in the mood to be happy and am disappointed. Period. What started of the morning? Well, as you know I went to Philly last night and took loads of pictures. I was gonna up load these this morning to Facebook, but my cheap ass camera wouldn't recognize the photos on the card for some reason. So I attempted to transfer the photos from the memory card and in the process managed to delete them all. I was heartbroken. I mean I actually broke down and cried in a hissy fit. Stupid I know, but I haven't been blogging about what's been going on internally lately (and I'm not gonna).

As much as Ian has attempted to put on the good face and keep a positive attitude, Lord knows I try not to be jealous or envious of others and try my hardest to be appreciative of what I have. Mostly lately though I feel if things are constantly being taken from me (I have the long laundry list going...no need for telling here). I'm beyond frustration and just plain fucking ass tired. TIRED. Tired in the sense that if you know the reference, like how old folks say it and mean it before they go home to glory. Hmph. As if glory is waiting for me on the other side, but that's another post.

So to continue with my rotten attitude today, I had to unfollow one or two people on twitter (for various reasons) and I'm about to unfriend one or two on Facebook. Actually, I wanna in a fit, just delete all my social networking (Didn't I just go through this earlier this year?!?!) and go live in some place without people or the fucking Internet. People are cruel, mean, abusive, and users. Unfortunately, I deluded myself into thinking one of my so-called close associates was a friend, but to the contrary, that person's true nature is just another in the roster of people taking advantage of my kindness and naivety. Ian is sick of it.

So, if you've read this far, you're probably thinking I didn't take my meds today, right? Well I did, but i'm just frustrated with my station in life and all the goddamn challenges I've tried to overcome and has blow up backin my face. I'm disgusted and a hair short of throwing in the towel. I'm only blogging about it because possibly by venting it'll make me feel better, but I doubt. I think my circumstances in life are too far gone really for Ian here to ever feel a permanent sense of security or comfort. I didn't get schooled enough in the virtues and ideal of true manhood so perhaps my childlike behavior is my penance to bear. Who knows? I'm just friggin caught and i fear those changes I try to project are all lies and don't exist after all.

I Didn't Die?

Bizarre, macabre, and strangeness perplexes Ian this morning.

Last night/early this morning I was sleeping soundly when the Sandman paid me a visit with a host of dreams, nightmares really, which I am searching for meaning in the waking zone. Strange and curious.

Be advised, this is slightly graphic and distrubing. I'm toning the content down to some degree, only because as I'm shaking off sleep, the dreams are fading. But I'm curious? What is the meaning?

Big Brother Corey? You're the expert in my life on dream analysis and interpretation since my Grandmama has departed this Earth. Got any insights? Read on:

Rarely do I dream in color. That right there is telling. From what I know, most folks dream in black and white. I dream in both spectrum's. Now from what I can remember, the dream was divided into two parts. The setting was was in a chamber, perhaps a prison, basement, parking garage type area. Not much light, very industrial. Those of you familiar with Gary Heidnik, think of his setting. I was with a group of men, all Black or Latino, nondescript on sexuality, and we were fighting in some type of gang related beef. Guns blazing, shoots were being fired left and right. I could hear the guns, see the bullet holes in the walls. Through those holes, I could see rays of sunlight.

Not sure of the time of year, but it must have been warmer. Anyway, in order to escape the war, several of us choose these "chambers" or in-ground pits, bunkers within this bunker setting, to survive. I vividly and clearly saw men jumping in this concrete areas two men at a time, some clothed, some in tatters, to escape the onslaught. The last bunker was someone I knew, but I now cannot place his face. I jumped in with him and pulled the trap door closed over our heads. I knew a feeling of safety, comfort. The next scene was of some man, this time not of any particular ethnic origin, but known to us all, rescuing the survivors. He was someone in authority, but not necessarily a police officer....

Part two is where it gets strange and scary. The setting has changed. The spectrum changed to color. I'm not sure of the locale. Perhaps a college quad style dormitory room, perhaps a sanitarium? Perhaps a camp dorm...something with a common room area. Now I said sanitarium earlier because of this. There was a man in a closet who was bound and chained, the picture and thought lead me to believe he was Charles Manson (What the Fuck?!?!?) and he professed to be Jesus. He kept spouting scriptures and gospel. Salvation and encouraged the men in this area to believe and follow him? I remember there was some kind of alter in the front of the room. Not sure what the purpose was for the altar, but it was there. This seemed spurn Manson/Jesus to rattle off more dogma. He tried to convince us he was our friend.

Now this is interesting part.

At some point, "the guards" brought food to Manson/Jesus and had to be unchained. I don't remember what happened to the guards, but then the Mason person got loose from the closet/holding area and began killing the people in the room. I knew in my dream I was sleeping, could hear myself snoring, but I know that also in the dream I was asleep and felt him upon me, take a knife, and slit my throat. I perceived the blood. In the dream, I awoke from the dream to see the Mason-character killing another person by stabbing them and then placing their bloody mangled body into a closet. The blood was crimson and bright. After doing this, the Mason-man came back to check to see if he I was dead, and I recall feigning sleep as I was still bleeding, but not dead. That's when I awoke. It's was about 3:40 AM.

Weird, huh? Now I know enough about dream analysis and interpretation that nothing is ever what it truly seems. Representation of the subconscious distorts true significance, but in this scenario, I absolutely am lost. And what's more, I was under the notion that if you died in a dream, you die in real life? (isn't that true? Maybe I've watched too many horror and chiller movies?!?!)

OK folks. Give Ian a clue. Wot's this here shit about? What message is my unconscious mind sending me?

Finding My Purpose...Finally

Stand up and take notice! Ian is back baby boy...and back in full force with renewed vigor! Holla! Ok, here's the sitch...

Earlier I made mention that a chapter in my life is ending and a new journey is about to begin. Yep. It's true, but let me clarify. No I'm not ending my blogging ventures, just found some new found inspiration and motivation.

A wise man once said that it takes a real man to stand up and admit his mistakes and do it humbly...well tonight I did just that. And I'm feeling a relief like I've never felt. So inspired. So joyous. Like Toddy mentioned on his post earlier, I've found my muse.

Stay tuned...

Time...

Been gone for a minute. Was in Philly last weekend, now home. Back to life. So as one journey is about to close, another will soon begin. Such is the cycle of life. I thank those of you who stood by and gave comments and made it all seem worthwhile. Be good to yourselves.

With all His Blessing Only He can bestow...

Sincerely,
Ian

He IS A Fresh Prince...

A friend just post this on Facebook and I laughed myself silly, so thought I'd share.

Real Soon

I have written this post several times and am giving up trying to make sense of what's in my head. Just gonna type and post it without proofreading it, going with the gut reaction here.

Now as my kitty cat is asleep at my feet, I think wonderfully idyllic it must be to live the life of a cat. No worries. the only thing that concerns you is being fed and occasionally petted by your owner. You get to sleep all day, stay up all night, never worry about getting fat or trying to impress anyone save yourself. The life of a cat indeed. We humans, on the other hand, have so many worries and issues, it's ridiculous. Oh the life of a cat.

Today was an exercise in frustration and futility. It's the anniversary of my break up with Napoleon, which up until this past weekend, I thought I was handling things well. Somehow, Saturday night managed tap me on the shoulder with loneliness and I found myself in the car and driving to his house. No, I didn't go in, but for one sec, the stalker came out. Funny. I was the one who broke up with his trifflin' ass, so why am I still thinking about him? I mean honestly, I'm the verge of something positive and good. Been hollaring at a decent fellow for a few weeks now and thing might go in some direction leading to something wonderful...maybe. So why am I thinking about the fool who took advantage of me and broke my heart in the process?

I've often written I make a bad homo, which is true. I do. I don't have that inner bitch that so many gay men have that shields them from the emotional discord I oft find myself. I won't lie and say I'm not envious who got that lesson that made them into men. I'm not talking mean-spiritedness, surely there are plenty bitchy queens out there, but the ones who have a certain devil-may-care attitude when life shits in their corn flakes. The attitude, "Well OK, next! I ain't got time to worry about that foolishness."

Perhaps I made too many costly errors in my youth? But I'm a firm believer its never too late to rectify misdeeds and get on the good foot. Maybe I'm naive. I dunno, but I got a schooling coming my way soon. Plan to immerse myself in uncomfortable situations to toughen my pansy punk ass up a bit. Yeah its that bad. But this doesn't come from a place of feeling sorry for myself, but complete honesty. Ian feels left behind and its time he caught up with the rest of the 'mos out there. Watch out. I'm headed your way REAL SOON....

I Wanna

So you wanna read a deeper side to Ian than what ya know? OK, stealing a page from my mentor, here we go. Tame by comparison, but a post you'd expect from me.

I wanna...

Get fuckin' sloppy drunk. So goddamn drunk, it''ll put any drunken episode from college to shame.

Fuck like I did when I was twenty. Fuck long and hard, all fuckin' night long. Go the hell to sleep, wake up with another fuckin' hard on, and fuck for a couple more hours, sleep, start process again.

Fuck my ex boyfriend Napoleon, then spit on his fuckin' face for all the bullshit he put me through. Yeah, I'm remembering the one year anniversary of our FAAAAABULOUS break up is next week.

Get stoned.

Fuck or be fucked by probably every black man I've laid eyes on in the last 24 hours. I'm that horny.

Act like I don' give a shit like Mister Bigshot who fuckin called me fat. Fuck you asshole. Lil dick muthafucka. People talk. You might got the body, but you got A BABY DICK!

Understand why the hell people are put on this Earth simply to cause pain, strife, and misery for everyone else. Seriously God, why?

Know how not to give a shit about what other people think and just do my thing.

Go to the White Party in New York and then Fire Island Black Out...

have Money! Tired of being broke!

Piss down the throats of all the fuckin' homophobes and then shove my fat ass cock up their ass so they know what it really means to get screwed over!

Move to some place where their are more out and proud Gay Black Men.

Suck W, X, Y, and Z's dicks till they bust a nutt all over my body. (No names here, I ain't that ig. Ask me, I might tell you though).

Redo my childhood, cause it really BLEW.

Punch a couple people in the face just for the principle they piss me off.

Thank REAL people in my life that have been kind and generous.

Have all these GODDAMN CLOSETED MUTHAS come out already. Grow a pair. If more of you were out, then life would be easier for the little people like me.

See my daddy again, because when died, we weren't speaking...

Apologize for the people I hurt that I do care about and have their forgiveness.

Fuck! (I'm horny. Can u tell???)

Gripe

It's Friday morning. Yippy fucking skippy. Naw, don't let me front and try to be all ecstatic about things...yes indeed, your boy is in a grumpy mood. Again. Just trying to sort things out in my head right now. I'm gonna do a post over on M.A.L.E. latter talking about lessons in manhood. Obviously I missed a few classes back in the day cause I let too much dumb shit bother me, when you know it is beyond my fucking control. I sense deep seeded issues are boiling to the surface.

In a moment og complete envy, I would give my right nutt to be like most of you guys who will read this and say I wish I could give to shits about the need or approval for others. Just be cold and distanct like the rest of my gender and just distance myself from any sense of closeness and compassion. Again, I missed a lesson somewhere. Don't mind me. I ain't trying to be rude. Actually that was a compliment. But you're seeing my fucking Achillies' heal.

Why is it men are the way we are? Huh? Really. Somebody give me an answer or a dollar so I can buy a fucking clue...

Regroup

trying to make today a better day than yesterday, but still frustrated as all get out. Lots of grinding of teeth today, but in a way, I'm smiling. Or is that a smirk I see? Either way there is an underlying passion working its way through, now the important thing is to take the message, use it, and do right by me. What's the old saying? "I can do bad by my damn self?" True that.

I've got some work to do this afternoon, and begrudgingly, I'ma do it. Not because I want to, but because I have to. See if I keep letting the impossible be possible, then I've achieved nothing. Learned nothing. And thanks to DKB, I saw something this morning that made me reevaluate where I've been and what I was doing. Still, all for the greater good.

Talkin' cryptic, yes, but I'm good. See it's time for the student to ask the master a question, take the lesson, and learn. Old Kidd here is not defeated, down, but not defeated...I will be in touch with those who need to be tapped on their insight soon enough.

For I close, I'm asking those who read this to say a special prayer for someone who is going through some pain right now. I won't say who, but when you left your eyes to the heavens, commune with the Divine, ask God to bless and watch over the person Ian asked you to watch out for. More than me, this person's world is being torn asunder and in my efforts yesterday, I partially made it worse. With the compassion I can give, I do ask humbly, for those of you who do have faith and pray, to pray for my "friend," that the Lord gives him guidance, comfort, and wisdom to NEVER give up...

-Ian

Alexander & theTerrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Warning. Long post. Read if you want, don't if you choose not. Mostly clearing my head of thoughts. By the way Alexander is one of my middle names, in case you were wondering. I loved this book as a kid.

Today, as I mentioned earlier blew chunks. Just plain sucked. True Blood was about the only highlight (Mechad's ass y'all). But other than that it's been a tenuous one, filled with shame, guilt, doubt, and fuck ups. Where to begin?

Woke up around three in the morning because I was having nightmares and tossing and turning. I got up, tried to do something that would make me fall back asleep. So I blogged a bit, did some blog reading when, wham-o, I had a full blown panic attack! I mean full fledged! Felt like the walls were closing in on me, started sweating, and freaking out. Had to get outta the house. I hopped in the car, went to the convenience store and grabbed a pack of smokes. Started driving east, when I said to myself, "I can't be out driving in this mess." Last night we had several storm fronts come through and the early hours roads were foggy.

So I turned my car around, ended up calling my best friend, waking his ass up, and I'm flipping out. In his ultra calm, macho manly man way, he talked me off the ledge and got me to go home put my ass back to bed. I did, but not before I smoked two more cigarettes.

Crashed until about 12:30 when my ex-wife called to check on me. She had no idea what was up, and I didn't wanna get into with her because she gets concerned, so I played it off like nothing was up. E.J. called me back then chewed me out for waking his ass up this morning, but said he was coming over to check up on my mental state of being. OK, I knew that meant lecture part two was coming.

So, as I do, I escape to the Internet, specifically Facebook, where I read a post from someone who was going through the storm as well. In my efforts to share that I was having a bad day and to give comfort to them things would be better, I ended up making the situation worse, which made me feel bad. D'oh! Fuck. I couldn't apologize, but I felt I had fucked up in a major way. Left that situation alone, doubt I can talk to that person ever again.

The next pitfall was talking to a friend about my recent departure from our time together. Said friend "read" me because he said my life was being consumed by some other people and that I was starting to fall off the deep end. I admitted to said friend that I hadn't meant to neglect him, but i could tell I had hurt him, although he wouldn't admit it. OK. Fuck up number three, if you're keeping track. So.....

Later in the afternoon, I was feel down, out, and emmasculated for a number of reasons (I'm not saying why) and I emailed another friend to pray fo r me because I felt I was about to have another panic attack. Just wanted to feel secure and safe. OK. God answers prayer, and good old Thomas outta the blue sent me a nice email to pick me up. (Thanks Thomas!) Feeling somewhat uplifted, I decided to call two of the guys I had been hollarin' at for the last minute. The didn't answer his phone. He was supposed to call me yesterday, but didn't. W'assup? Did I do something...shit. I tried three times to get ahold of him. Twice on his celly and once at home. Bupkis. OK, maybe he's at church or something.

Next decision...and this is mistake number five (phone call to Ole boy was #4)... was to call up the other cat. Now I know this is just a fantasy pipe dream. I know I'm not even an amateur player in boy's world, but he makes me feel good about myself, and if nothing else I know I have a good friend. Called him up, he was on the phone, but he told me to hold tight while he hung up with his boy. He clicked over and we chatted small talk for a minute, when another phone call came through. He put me on hold, and never came back. It rang back, I heard him pick up and he hung up on me. What the fuck? OK, I'm not calling back and looking like an asshole. I'm sure it was an accident, but it did bruise my ego. (I'll find out, they both read this blog occasionally).

Mistakes #6 and #7 happened when E.J. came over and he got up in my grill and gave me the fifth degree about how I'm acting about the parade of people I've been talking to in the last few months. I won't rehash it all, but I felt like was a worthless man-whore by the time he was finished.

By this point I was like, fuck it, I'm going out to see True Blood (I don't have HBO) and was playing on Facebook again. Thanks to Hector and D.J., they convinced me to take my black ass out and have fun. To quote D.J. exactly "What else do you have to do?"

There's more, but these are the highlights. Ain't it enough? Damn. Yeah, I'm being a whiny bitch tonight...

End of Days

On the day that I take my last breath, I hope it is quick and painless, noting prolonged and suffering. I hope that is an ordinary day, like any other. No fanfare, no major problems, just a simple day. I'd like the sun to have shown, maybe a gentle breeze in the air. Would like to say goodbye to my loved ones and say how much I appreciated them. Love to tell my friends how important they were to me. Give thanks to the people who gave me comfort and rest.

Do you ever stop to think of your own mortality? I know this might a sore subject right now given the amount deaths recently, but I gave pause today, despite the hardships, to think what if today were my last day. Would I be proud? Would I have accomplished everything I wanted to do? Would I have loved as much as I could? Given as much as I could? Tried as hard as I could?

Not one of my better moments...

When Ian fucks up,m Ian tends to fuck up big. When I fuck up, I tend to crucify myself to the Nth degree. This been a day of nothing but mistakes. Geez. Best intentions gone awry. I'm not gonna make anymore mistake for the rest of the day dammit. Promise.

Jon, sorry. Kishna, you right. Anybody else I pissed off or offended today?

Sinner's Prayer

I borrowed this from Thaddeus because I'm in a spot this morning...

My Sinner's Prayer:

A man in chains, by choices I have made, good and bad, still they remain. So I wait...to see how it lays...this bed of debts and promises I made. I'm a man in pain, looking back on the past...Lord may the good outweigh the bad. Well either way, I cannot stay, I know I'll have to leave it all behind some day. But on that day, hope that I can look you in the face.

Lord hear my prayer. May your grace find me there as I bow down. May your mercy abound.

Randomness @ 3 AM

Well its Sunday morning. I'm up because i was having fitful nightmares all night long and I couldn't sleep. Not feeling in the greatest of moods, but I refuse to complain about it. So I will attempt to charge through the day with positive thought, deed, and action even though I'm not feeling it.

Realizing that I will be going back to work in about a month and a half. Wow, that is if the States passes a budget. I might need to be looking for a new job. Scary. But it matters not, all my needs have been taken care of. Not ready to go back to work, but to be in the real world, huh...yeah Ian needs a fucking job. Can't be a fucking fat ass sitting around on disability now can I?

In other projects, I haven't blogged on some of the goals I'm achieving lately. Feels good to move in a forward direction for a change. Let's hope it last. Might talk more on the subject later. Not sure, because at the same token, I'm feeling a conflict in my spirit. Can't explain, or rather, I won't. Not right now. Not while I got potential to guide me....

Saturday Randomness

Haven't posted anything to the Axe in a few days, been busy with M.A.L.E. and networking. I still have my ear infection which doesn't seem to be going away, even with the antibiotics. Can't anything out the one ear except a constant ringing. Annoying as hell.

Trying to think of something noteworthy to pen, not much going. Did shopping and errands. Been exercising trying to loose the flab and felt sexy again. LOL. At some point before summer is over I'll be heading to Tennessee and Georgia, not sure when. Need to coordinate schedules with my boys. Gotta get outta PA, this place is closing in on me. Wish I had money to fly to Cali, but I have champagne and caviar dreams with a beer and sody cracka budget, so that ain't happening. Hell might not make to ATL! But its all good, because I know both my cats would come up here if I ask real nicely. Plus they knows I can thrown in the kitchen, and food is always a good enticement, right?