I have written this post several times and am giving up trying to make sense of what's in my head. Just gonna type and post it without proofreading it, going with the gut reaction here.
Now as my kitty cat is asleep at my feet, I think wonderfully idyllic it must be to live the life of a cat. No worries. the only thing that concerns you is being fed and occasionally petted by your owner. You get to sleep all day, stay up all night, never worry about getting fat or trying to impress anyone save yourself. The life of a cat indeed. We humans, on the other hand, have so many worries and issues, it's ridiculous. Oh the life of a cat.
Today was an exercise in frustration and futility. It's the anniversary of my break up with Napoleon, which up until this past weekend, I thought I was handling things well. Somehow, Saturday night managed tap me on the shoulder with loneliness and I found myself in the car and driving to his house. No, I didn't go in, but for one sec, the stalker came out. Funny. I was the one who broke up with his trifflin' ass, so why am I still thinking about him? I mean honestly, I'm the verge of something positive and good. Been hollaring at a decent fellow for a few weeks now and thing might go in some direction leading to something wonderful...maybe. So why am I thinking about the fool who took advantage of me and broke my heart in the process?
I've often written I make a bad homo, which is true. I do. I don't have that inner bitch that so many gay men have that shields them from the emotional discord I oft find myself. I won't lie and say I'm not envious who got that lesson that made them into men. I'm not talking mean-spiritedness, surely there are plenty bitchy queens out there, but the ones who have a certain devil-may-care attitude when life shits in their corn flakes. The attitude, "Well OK, next! I ain't got time to worry about that foolishness."
Perhaps I made too many costly errors in my youth? But I'm a firm believer its never too late to rectify misdeeds and get on the good foot. Maybe I'm naive. I dunno, but I got a schooling coming my way soon. Plan to immerse myself in uncomfortable situations to toughen my pansy punk ass up a bit. Yeah its that bad. But this doesn't come from a place of feeling sorry for myself, but complete honesty. Ian feels left behind and its time he caught up with the rest of the 'mos out there. Watch out. I'm headed your way REAL SOON....
4 comments:
well come on, we're waiting on you
Chile, as wonderman said, we's a waitin! haha...
Anyway, I understand where you are coming from with the Napoleon situation. It is familiar to you.
Change can be very scary. So, the reason we repeat the same patterns in our lives is because we fear the change which we seek...So we cling steadfast to what we know. It isn't that Napoleon is good for you or the one that got away...It is the familiarity of him that you were missing.
I've been there before myself. It is a learning process, for real. Just know you deserve better.
Peacefulness!
I AM SURE A FEW OF US CAN MAKE YOU A GOOD HOMO...
Hey man - look, what I want to say is that maybe you know what love really is all about. I've told several of my friends and past lovers "don't think that I'm going to be what you think I am. I have no experience in the "gay way" of relationships - just making up my own script as I go along." And there has been hurt and pain on both sides but it's who I am. And I'm not looking to change me all that much. Yeah, I want to learn, want to be as full, feeling human being as much as I am able and want to live my life as I see it unfolding as time goes on. But it really has to be on my terms and not some pre-determined saga that I have interest in living.
Although this will sound self serving and maybe arrogant, but i think that people, gay men included, who do understand that love is not just the hot nights in bed, but moreso the morning afters when your breath stinks but you want to kiss this man anyway and he wants you to, when he's in physical pain (as my Arab friend was this weekend on a visit to DC) and you can do no more than provide comforting words to try to ease the pain, when you've talked about the future of "our relationship" and you know that it isn't going to go where you want it to yet you both understand that you love each other, when all you can do is trust this guy and know that you he is a very special person in your life which would be so very much diminished if he wasn't in it -- those, to me, are the kind of things that speak of love.
As for your Napoleon, it seems clear to me that you love him - loved him - a great deal. All I can say, man, is that the hurt will heal just as long as you believe in yourself. Believe that you are worthy as you surely are. That you know love isn't always equally distributed between two people. You will find that special someone with whom you can share all the inanities of you life. And never forget, that it's God who loves you always.
Scott
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