Proclamation

My soul hurts this morning. I don't feel like getting ready for work or dealing with anyone else and their problems today. I'm tired, exhausted really, drained from the demands going on within my heart and soul...worn out. Dammit, I'm feeling physically run down and tired of chasing my tail or jumping through hoops for naught. What's wrong with you brother?!?! Get it together!

Didn't get enough sleep last night, another night of fretful sleep, only wake up more tired than when my head hit the pillow. E.J. dropped in last night unexpected and of course at the saw time as my celly rang with CrazySexyCool calling. I called CSC back after E.J. left, let him talk his smoothness in my ear to lull me into peaceful restful thoughts. Mind you, I didn't say he bored me, just allowed myself to ease off the masks I usually keep on during the day. It's easy with CSC to just be real and not have to front about a damn thing. So many try to run game on you, it's just nice to be able to act in accord with who you are and NOT who somebody else wants you to be. Alas, that's my fault because Ian is a people pleaser...but you knew that already?

So looking at the reality of what's going on in my world, everyone of late keeps asking what's going on? My answer? Nothing much. I work. I come home. Might talk to a few folks. Then I retire, get up and start the process all over again. Boring, I know, but such is as it has to be... for now.

Looking ahead to my 40th birthday, a good friend asked me if I was anxious or upset about entering the new decade. I answered as honestly as I could, saying I just hope they are calmer than my thirties. Going at this game alone hasn't been and isn't easy, but I am reclaiming myself and if along the way something good falls into place, so be it. The most difficulty notion to dismiss is that I am not the person I thought I would be, but have all the potential to be the person I could be. The key is patience, something I'm not good at. It's the lesson CrazySexyCool is teaching me, whether he knows it or not (he will know now...he reads my blog). I admire CSC because has so much he doesn't see about himself that I wish I had. But then again, I suppose the same could be said about yours truly. Why is it we never see the things others see in ourselves?