Warning. Long post. Read if you want, don't if you choose not. Mostly clearing my head of thoughts. By the way Alexander is one of my middle names, in case you were wondering. I loved this book as a kid.
Today, as I mentioned earlier blew chunks. Just plain sucked. True Blood was about the only highlight (Mechad's ass y'all). But other than that it's been a tenuous one, filled with shame, guilt, doubt, and fuck ups. Where to begin?
Woke up around three in the morning because I was having nightmares and tossing and turning. I got up, tried to do something that would make me fall back asleep. So I blogged a bit, did some blog reading when, wham-o, I had a full blown panic attack! I mean full fledged! Felt like the walls were closing in on me, started sweating, and freaking out. Had to get outta the house. I hopped in the car, went to the convenience store and grabbed a pack of smokes. Started driving east, when I said to myself, "I can't be out driving in this mess." Last night we had several storm fronts come through and the early hours roads were foggy.
So I turned my car around, ended up calling my best friend, waking his ass up, and I'm flipping out. In his ultra calm, macho manly man way, he talked me off the ledge and got me to go home put my ass back to bed. I did, but not before I smoked two more cigarettes.
Crashed until about 12:30 when my ex-wife called to check on me. She had no idea what was up, and I didn't wanna get into with her because she gets concerned, so I played it off like nothing was up. E.J. called me back then chewed me out for waking his ass up this morning, but said he was coming over to check up on my mental state of being. OK, I knew that meant lecture part two was coming.
So, as I do, I escape to the Internet, specifically Facebook, where I read a post from someone who was going through the storm as well. In my efforts to share that I was having a bad day and to give comfort to them things would be better, I ended up making the situation worse, which made me feel bad. D'oh! Fuck. I couldn't apologize, but I felt I had fucked up in a major way. Left that situation alone, doubt I can talk to that person ever again.
The next pitfall was talking to a friend about my recent departure from our time together. Said friend "read" me because he said my life was being consumed by some other people and that I was starting to fall off the deep end. I admitted to said friend that I hadn't meant to neglect him, but i could tell I had hurt him, although he wouldn't admit it. OK. Fuck up number three, if you're keeping track. So.....
Later in the afternoon, I was feel down, out, and emmasculated for a number of reasons (I'm not saying why) and I emailed another friend to pray fo r me because I felt I was about to have another panic attack. Just wanted to feel secure and safe. OK. God answers prayer, and good old Thomas outta the blue sent me a nice email to pick me up. (Thanks Thomas!) Feeling somewhat uplifted, I decided to call two of the guys I had been hollarin' at for the last minute. The didn't answer his phone. He was supposed to call me yesterday, but didn't. W'assup? Did I do something...shit. I tried three times to get ahold of him. Twice on his celly and once at home. Bupkis. OK, maybe he's at church or something.
Next decision...and this is mistake number five (phone call to Ole boy was #4)... was to call up the other cat. Now I know this is just a fantasy pipe dream. I know I'm not even an amateur player in boy's world, but he makes me feel good about myself, and if nothing else I know I have a good friend. Called him up, he was on the phone, but he told me to hold tight while he hung up with his boy. He clicked over and we chatted small talk for a minute, when another phone call came through. He put me on hold, and never came back. It rang back, I heard him pick up and he hung up on me. What the fuck? OK, I'm not calling back and looking like an asshole. I'm sure it was an accident, but it did bruise my ego. (I'll find out, they both read this blog occasionally).
Mistakes #6 and #7 happened when E.J. came over and he got up in my grill and gave me the fifth degree about how I'm acting about the parade of people I've been talking to in the last few months. I won't rehash it all, but I felt like was a worthless man-whore by the time he was finished.
By this point I was like, fuck it, I'm going out to see True Blood (I don't have HBO) and was playing on Facebook again. Thanks to Hector and D.J., they convinced me to take my black ass out and have fun. To quote D.J. exactly "What else do you have to do?"
There's more, but these are the highlights. Ain't it enough? Damn. Yeah, I'm being a whiny bitch tonight...
5 comments:
Hey Bro! Hope you'll have a whiny-free day today! It will good for all of us. =)
Sounds like you are going through some stuff, my friend. You need to find your center and stay there for a while. I have been in your place filled with anxiety, guilt and tension. It's a terrible place to be. As difficult as calmness may be to achieve you will only heap more difficulty on yourself emotionally if you continue along these lines. I always say in these situations use "your mind to control your emotions", or if your mind is the problem "se your spirit to control your mind."
Sometimes we want to indulge ourselves, which is ok on occasion. The problem comes when we luxuriate and end up getting lost in the fog. You've got work to do my friend, so we can't have you gettin' lost in the fog :)
Sorry about that call yesterday. I will hit you up today.
I HOPE THINGS ARE A BIT BETTER NOW...
Hey boo, are you okay? I'm probably late on this but wanted to give you a virtual hug anyway...
Don't be so hard on yourself, for real.
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