Touches From Within

My posts may become a little "lite" for a while, not that I want to deprive anyone who actually takes time to read my blog, but I'm going through my little changes again, and I don't want to get too emotional and reveal the darker, passionate side of my personality, for fear of appearing overly sensitive. Sigh, yes its over a man...just keep reading.

No, please see beyond the pretty pictures, just understand my words tonight. I find that my heart is walking familiar paths and going back to all too recurring habits. The love that dare not speaks it's name is shameful for me. I am shamed, embarrassed by what doors never seem to stay closed, wishing upon too many unrealistic fantasies, tasting way too many forbidden fruits.

Pisser! Foul besotted man-child! Arrogant shit! I'm mostly annoyed at myself. When I review where I've been with love and romance over the last 20 years, perhaps 25, I'm disgusted, disgruntled, and dissatisfied. Three-D's. Annoying most of all is I allow people to figure out the core complex nature of my simple life and am aggravated when they gain power over me. Yes, I know, I gave them the power. Yet when I try to regain control, seize that which belongs to me, I am vexed by my own mechanizations.

Conversations that are really disguised as arguments, insults, words intended for someone else, apply best to my own situations. Have I learned nothing at all? Why is hurt and pain a cozy companion?

Over and over and over, I repeat the same stupid mistakes, investing in pointless and meaningless actions, resulting in the same results. Isn't that the definition of insanity, repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results?


Hmmm. It takes courage to be a man some days. It takes great feats of strength to be a homosexual man everyday. But what does it all mean?

Tonight I was compared to Loretta Devine's character in Waiting To Exhale. It wasn't meant to be a compliment. Never man enough or perhaps good enough, the veiled insult was thrown out at me, questioning my manhood, pride, and ethnicity. I'm not thuggish, too white acting, eh? So does this mean I have cash in all my bonus points for being me? Rip up my minority status card? Skip out on life because I don't meet someone's ideal of who I should be? It makes me angry, but moreover, it makes me sad because I've spent my entire life trying to prove something to others, to meet their approval, and no matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort is given, I'm still found wanting.

I take credit that I'm not some deluded half-baked, half-breed, queer living the illusion I'm not being judged by the color of my skin or for the people who park their shoes under my bed at night. I'm not forgetting no matter who diluted my ethnicity, how far advanced we've become as a society, I will always be viewed as a nigger or a faggot by hateful people. So if I sound like some "ol' fat ghetto bitch", or some "wanna-be white boy," forgive the fuck out of me for not living up to your standards!

I'm sorry I can't be more homogenized into your scheme of things. Really. Forgive me if age has grounded me into a disposition where I'm more pessimistic than optimistic. Excuse the shit out of me when I hear you say how wonderful your life is compared than mine, that I chuckle, and mutter to myself 'your life is a waste, just one train wreck after another.' Oh don't I sound like a bitch now???

I may be many things: fat, ugly, dumb, white acting, delusional, naive, immature, crazy, emotional, neurotic, and insecure, but at least I'm grounded enough to know reality and truth.

What are the things in your life that really matter? Hm? Tell me oh spoiled, pompous, better than the rest us, brat-man! What do you really know what it means to be alive and living in the real world???? Drinking, fucking, and smokin' illegal substances ain't it, buddy boy! Obsessing over your appearance isn't gonna help when you've (if you do) reached my age and beyond. Grow da fuck up, asshole! Someone's gonna look at you with pity in their eyes someday too. Youth is fleeting. Recognize it now.

I accept the negative things about myself, despite not liking them, I don't need constant validation repeatedly from others to justify my self-worth (OK, sometimes I do, but I can live without the rubber-stamp if I don't get it ALL the time)! I don't need expensive baubles and fancy gas guzzling cars to prove I'm a success.

I may not have all that I want, but I have all that I need. I have people who delight, love, and care about my well-being. I created a family who cares, and despite your interference, I plow on daily, knowing I will rise above adversity. I may die penniless, unattractive, alone, and unsatisfied emotionally, but I know in my journey, I had moments of peace, hope, and truth. Genuine realness. Passion so deep, you'd never understand its complexity. I had solid and concrete, trustworthy friendships.

I never had the love of a lifetime, perhaps never will, and certainly not from your funky overrated ass, but I know the snakes in my Eden. Do you know yours???? And still, in a dysfunctional moment of weakness, I will whisper, ever so softly, I do today, and always will, love you! Damn you, you arrogant bastard! Yes, I love you!

Fucked up, ain't I?