Napoleon Meet "Joesph"

Napoleon finally took time out of his busy schedule (emphasize the British pronunciation as "shed-dule") and called me up this evening. Seems my wayward friend has gotten involved in a new relationship.

As always with Naps, the guys appears to be some characterization of everything that is bad about the gay community, obsessed with appearance, materialistic, size queen, color obsessed... yadda, yadda, yadda! Listening to Naps describe the guy, I got nauseous , feigned another call coming through, and hung up.

I'm not ready to deal with another go round with Naps and one his boy toys playthings. Naps is too far gone into materialistic appearance and the status of guy than his heart, integrity, and real self-worth to see. He's too immature to see objectively. It bothers me too, I guess, I have residual feelings for Napoleon. I still love him, but recognize a relationship with him would be disastrous. To my credit, I've been able to cut myself off from him sexually (no more booty calls between us in the 0-8!) This has probably placed a strain on our friendship. Friends just shouldn't ever engage in casual sex. Period.

At almost 40, I have so many lessons to learn. Adolescence doesn't end when you hit 20. No, I'm suffering from a post 30 adolescence which is wreaking havoc on my emotions. My intellect tells me to steer clear of Naps on certain days, but his pull can be difficult, and I always mange to entangle myself in his dramas.

I want no parts of this new found situation he's gotten himself into. The shit will blow up in his face, he'll come to me looking for love and support, and I have a feeling my resolve will weaken, and we'll end up sleeping with each other again. God help us all if happens again. I'm too old to be creepin' around, dammit!

Given my own poor choices in men, Myjah, Napoleon, etc, I don't trust my own sensibility not to get back into another foolhardy romance. I've been struggling with my own sense of "attractiveness" and desirability and seeing the man, men (Myjah included), I care about and want to be with involved in other ventures, whether it be another man or the church, tugs at my heartstrings and destroys my self-worth.

I said I wasn't going to allow myself to be brokenhearted, get swept away by libido, this year. I was gonna be patience, wait on God to give me what I need, not what I want. Frustration is challenging because I've been out of the circuit for too long. Like any other gay man, any other man period, reaching mid life, I want to achieve certain goals and objectives before I leave this planet. I'm not asking for the perfect man, just the perfect man for me.

None of this has to do with sex either, although it wouldn't hurt for a decent shag with someone stable every once and a while.!

I've been back on the abstinence wagon for a few weeks, but I still have a healthy sexual appetite, and like any able bodied male, some days you just need to lay it all down and kick it with somebody you love. As I get closer to my birthday, I'm more pessimistic love will walk through more door anytime soon. Yes ,I know, patience is a virtue, but when you've been deprived, where do you turn besides a cheap one-night stand situation? Sister Rosie and sisters get old after awhile. Besides none of them can caress, love, cuddle, or speak tenderly in the night to you, just take the edge off for a little while.

Am I just naive or wanting too much? Shouldn't everybody have the one before they die? Not that I'm dying or anything, but loneliness is a bitch and a half!