Why Resolve? Just Procrastinate!

So I'm sitting here, indecisive as ever, wrestling with which ticket to purchase for my trip. I think by now I'd be used to the whole flying process. I've already decide to go through the scanners, I mean really if they that desperate to see my fatness, go on. When did flying because such an ordeal though? I wish my next trip was more pleasure, less business, but in the end if it brings me money...a little inconvenience will be worth it.

Sitting at my desk this afternoon, I stared at the window, internal strife raging. One situation, I was grateful that at the eleventh hour last month we got the reprieve from lay-offs in my department. The other hemisphere was cursing the day I set foot in that office and wishing I could make a break for it and run from the Plantation, head north to freedom, like other before... ::sigh:: Yeah I know I need to be grateful I have a job. Midlife crisis wander lust is setting in again. Maybe it's the January Blues taking root, but everywhere I look, I see room for improvement. Just bored with situations as normal, you know?

The other tasks at hand is attempting get back on the wagon with losing weight and quitting smoking. I quit cold turkey New Year's Day with the cigs. Don't know how much longer my will power is gonna last with that. My natural inclination is to turn to food, but then I keeping about flying and Lord know I don't wanna be like Kevin Smith and his sitch with Southwest Air. LOL. I laugh, but dude, seriously. Ian has packed on some pounds over the holidays. It ain't cute. I might resort to some drastic measures here in minute. Anybody remember Tammy, circa The Real World: Los Angeles 1992? When when she wired her mouth shut just to lose weight? Hm, that's an option, heh.

All kidding a side. I'm tempting to start a health journal, but the humiliation of it all... would that work? Shame can be a powerful motivator. Who knows? But I'll be 41 in less than two months, so I need to take my life seriously. Stop procrastinating and act like life is the real deal. After all, I only got one chance....

The Smart Phone Blues...

Lawd grant me the serenity not to commit cellular homicide, for my smart phone hath gone astray. I'll never buy another Blackberry product, EVER, again. Now I just need to decide what phone I need to upgrade to. I'm fairly satisfied with my network carrier, T-Mobile, but the damn phone has got to go!!! My text messages delete by themselves, apps never work properly, the phone times out at the weirdest times, on and on....

Any suggestions on a good smart phone. I want to stay away from AT & T (the worst rated network). I know a few folks with the Droid, but didn't hear any feedback from them. Anybody?

A Brand New Day

Well, it's a changes of the page, change of the calendar. A brand new day and a brand new year.... Yay. Today plenty folks are sitting down and making promises to do this, that, or the other thing to improve themselves or someone else. I wish us all the most success. I have my own agenda set for the next few weeks, so I'm right there with ya!

Now that 2011, which I've decided to give in and recognize as "Twenty Eleven," is here I will endeavor to blog more frequently. I can't guarantee my diatribe will garner much interest (have you checked out those Tumblr joints?!?! Damn.) But Just even if it's just a word or two, I'll try to maintain this for at leat one more year.

I kinda miss the collective blog we used to have, MALE. That was a colossal failure, but a learning experience.... Never mind. Just reminiscing. People tend to do that this time of year, heh heh.... Oh well. Out with the old, in with the new. Here's to new beginnings. It's a brand new day.

Happy Nude Year!

So I've been gone for a minute from blogging. I'll explain all tomorrow. I need to hurry my ass out the door because I'm running notoriously late. I was posting on Facebook, got caught up. So as my final post for 2010, Have a Safe evening. Happy New Year 2011!

-Ian

Love, Love, Love Is All U Need

So last night I was browsing through Target and Best Buy for some things around the house. Not Holiday shopping mind you, just errand needs... I usually hate shopping, espescially due Christmastime. I like getting in, finding my prize, and getting out. Occassionally I might get sucked up in the "ooh's" and "ahh's" of I want this or I could use that, but mostly I have no patience for shopping.

With consumers out and about doing their seasonal feastive duty, somehow this year I find myself perplexed and at a lost this year. For one, my family is not exchanging presents. So there is no need for hussle and bussle. Two, despite best efforts, the Yultide has failed to embrace me in its comfort of glee and glitz. I'm Scrooge or anything, just not feelin' all that damn jolly.

In conversation, a friend pointed out it's too early for the Holidays to be in full swing. Really? Seems to me the Christmas season starts earlier and earlier every year. It's almost to the point soon after Labor Day we'll be hearing carols and muzak along with seeing artificial trees in the stores....

Dare I confess I've become passe? The horror? In truth, I'm realizing Christmas is more than the collective rush to buy material items to plaster with glitzy paper for one day only, perhaps to be exchanged the next day. Shall I use the evil "c-word" commercialism, say it's crept into destroy the so-called nostalgia I once head?

Analysis this. I profess to believe in the tenets of the Christmas story. Baby born in a manger, angels, shepard, bright star, all that... When I really do think about things, what does anything I do today have to do about that original event? Now I won't go off on whether certain aspects really happened or question the virues if faith. My point is the original point and gift to Christmas was about LOVE.

Funny thing. I'll admit this for the first time outside the walls of therapy, after 40 Christmases, I've never truly gotten the one thing I wanted or person was looking for. I always knew it was something you couln't put into a box or wrap with shiny paper. Until this morning I didn't realize that has been missing has been "love."

Don't get me wrongan love has existed in my life, but not perhaps in the purest form as it did waaaaaaay back when, when a small gift to the world promised hope.

Something to think about. Thanks for the rambling moment

Is It Seriously Time To Move???

OK, this one is for all my Southern California friends who I've disagreed with, argued down, that Christmastime ain't Christmastime unless it's cold....

I take it back! It's effin' cold tonight dammit! It was in the low 30s when I left work and as I sit here typing this post I hear the wind outside my office window; my thermostat has been running non-stop since I've walked in the door.

Hm. Maybe this is a sign I need to move? I mean really, if all I had to do was complain was when it rain once or twice a season, I could handle it. Something to keep in mind next year, eh?

Shave & a Haircut...

Lord I need a haircut! Hmm. Familiar rhymes from childhood are singing through my memory as I text this post....

"Wolfin', wolfin' wolfin' for a cut!"

I checked out my mane in the mirror a few moments ago, it's looking a bit scruffy. Time to visit the BMCC this weekend. Perhaps get it shaved way down since I'm not a fan visiting the barbershop too often. For reasons why peruse my brother in blogging Corey@I'll Keep You Posted on his multiple experiences with bruthas, being gay, and traveling the the bastion of masculinity. Not my favorite thing to do. Yeah, no....

Since I turned forty in March too seems like my color is turning salt 'n pepper faster. More grey in my mustache every day. I don't mind it. I appreciate the follicle presence, so I refuse to complain have a discoloration on top of my scalp. Papa Red Bear was born with a mess o' hair so I'm not quite I'll know how to act without if it ever thins out or I decide to shave it down to scalp. Fortunately I don't have a misshaped head. Might look more like the Buddha, but I mos def won't be Mr. Peanut!

So my first gift to myself this Holiday Season is a fresh trim courtesy of GQ Stylez in Stietztown Saturday.... Hurrah!

Imagine

What can you imagine yourself doing? What can you imagine yourself achieving? Imagine it, and it becomes possible. Give substance and detail and meaning and purpose to what you imagine, and you will bring it about. Your life is guided by what you imagine. Before you do anything, you must first see yourself doing it. By itself, imagination does not make things happen. It is up to you to make the effort, and your imagination determines where that effort leads. Find delight in imagining what can be. And experience even more delight in bringing the best of your imagination to life.

With your imagination, create beautiful possibilities. Then know the joy and fulfillment of making those possibilities real.

-- Ralph Marston

I'm Not Feelin' This Shizz

The last 24 hours have been one giant exercise of patience. Mostly doing the waiting game for the Powers-that-be tell us if we'll have jobs at the end of the month or not. Patience is a virtue, but admittedly, has never been my strongest feature!

Last night my financial advisor and brother-in-bizness and I had a long ass convo detailing a strategy/plan of action to manage finances and stave off the potential woes of unemployment. Much of his proposal was sound, good, advice yet tough to swallow. It'll mean plenty of sacrifices...moving or taking on a roommate, selling off goods, canceling those lil luxuries I've become oh so accustomed to having. Such is life. I won't enjoy it, but my friend did the same a few months ago and is surviving the situation with royal colors. Hopefully, I can follow his lead.

Its funny. I've never been in this position before. Feels like the bottom is falling out. I'm not scared. Concerned? Hells yeah, but frightened? I got my friends at my back and God on my side (and front, left, right etc)...so I know it'll work out eventually. Still, human nature makes trepidation rise at uncertain days ahead. Merde!

December 1st

Positive Vibes

I can say I've been in the best of spirits lately! Let's attribute that to a reconnect with my spirit and disconnect to the earthly.

For sometime, I've been trying to make the necessary adjustments to my path to get to a higher plane, somewhere happier and more comfortable. Of course along the way I get some insensitive or brash dismissive folk who feel like tripping me up, but fuck 'em! Really. I might not be my all, but if I concentrate hard enough, work hard, I get there in my own time. Life is not really a race, but we often make it so.

Some days my attitude is the paragon of suave. Hopeful of the Joe Cool. Hip and sooooo sure of myself, yet so clueless. Hahaha! Indeed. It's a good feeling. Perhaps if I take more moments to stop thumbing my nose at myself, I'd understand the search.

Laisser le Bon rouleau de Temps!

Follow Your First Mind!

This morning I woke up and felt like a load crap. I so wanted to stay in bed. After hitting the snooze button about a dozen times, I managed to drag myself outta bed and prepare for the day. Took several attempts and the notion to call off crossed my mind more than a lil bit.

At first I thought I was having a case of the "Monday Morning Lazies." After a holiday weekend of indulgence, I was fighting urge to return to normalcy. Or so I thought. No. Deep down, I knew in my body, in my spirit, I was simply out of rest and needed to stay home. Yet, I didn't!

Doing what I THOUGHT was right, I went to work miserable. Big mistake kiddo. Today was a made house and folks were irritating beyond belief. Somehow despite leaving with time to spare I was late, the bosses were being dicks (not the good kind) all day, and the rumor about our department being laid off became more fact than suspicion.

Moral to the story? My daddy used to say "Always do what your mind first tells you!" Indeed. Next time I will heed Papi sagely wisdom...

And Then You Woke Up.

Please. I'm so effin' ready to go back to bed now! My long Holiday weekend wasn't long enough, so tempted to call off today. Hmm...

Don'T Be Afraid...

Dare to be different, dare to be stupid! Of course I always find ways to bring a little laughter to the table. Lord I really don't feel like going to work this morning, but now that the Holidays are in gear, I've got much to do between now and January. I'm just rather nervous about a few thing financially. No I haven't bitten off more than I can chew, but the dread "L" word has been bounced around at the State and our department could be next on the block for layoffs. Eek.

I'm not gonna worry (much). Just keep it business as usual. Work with my financial advisor to tighten the pennies even further, and make a way where there is none. Plus I put my faith in God, and He ain't failed me, so I'm trying not let fear run my life. Nope.

More later. Hope y'all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent.

I've been gone, but not forgotten...

It's been a minute since I've been on the blog...and I have plenty to say. Of course I'm gonna be cheeky and hold off for a bit. My heart hasn't been in to blogging these last few months: too much reality going on. Now I see some of my fellows have been up to wonderful things. Will need to give a few praises for them when I return.

Keep It To Yourself

Today probably was one for the record book of my life as the most exasperating. I woke up in a foul mode and the day got progressively worse.

Now you know you're in the tick of things when the first word upon waking up is "fuck." Restless sleeping aside, I just didn't feel like dealing with the bullshit that is my life. I wanted to have a meltdown. I wanted to act out. Call somebody out there name. Just threw a temper tantrum beyond the likes of any three year of the last six Millennial. Umm hmm. Ian weren't havin it.

I've calmed down sufficiently enough but I come away from this enough to know three things; I hate my damn job. Period I almost walked out three times and three times I had to give my supervisor the "don't fuck with me today" message. If I got fired, was that far gone with attitude.

Two, yes indeed, I might be stubborn, but some folk I surround myself are as equally stubborn and determined to do the hell what they wanna do, so why I should I not follow suit? If you can be reasoned with, maybe neither can I? Feel me???

Finally, I need a change. The day to day minutia is so over. Reverse, back up, switch tracks, and move on. I think the irritation is the culmination of restlessness and my patience has long since worn thin....

I'm stymied by it all.

A Thought...

"Happiness, is indeed, only a thought a way."

True. So true.

Blurt It Out

You cannot hide your true emotions now, even if you try. It's like they are posted on your forehead and everyone can see exactly how you are feeling. But still, your sudden emotional outburst may surprise others. You feel it coming and know that it will encourage someone else to express his or her feelings, too....

Sometimes though, you just got to say what the fuck, and jus' do it!

For a friend who spoke up when they needed to the most.

No Burning Bush, No Firery Pillar

I have grown disillusioned with life and I'm not sure what the fuck to do about it. Everything seems trite, tired, and blah. I'm not depressed, just rather colossally bored. No, bored isn't either. Something is missing from my life and lately no matter what I do to fill it, nothing seems to bring me completion.

Now I won't sit here and bemoan about what I don't have. Lord knows I have plenty; in fact too much! All my needs are met. I want for very little and yet there's the void.... Hark! Is this truly the decent into a REAL mid-life crisis?!?! I often joke about having one but usually it's just Ian being melodramatic as per usual. In this situation? I find myself longing for thing that aren't there or just don't exist.

I'm at a loss for words now because I don't know how to express that "something" that just ain't there. That something I know SHOULD BE there but isn't. Is it because of immaturity? Misdeeds? Inactivity? Sin? Stupidity? Come Universe send me a sign here. You know I walk by signs and wonders....avow there is no such thing as coincidence. Speak loudly and clearly! You also know I'm rather dunderheaded. That rustling in the breeze business only leaves more questions than confirmation.

So what am I doing wrong here?

Solo Dancing

What's good people? I know it's been a minute since I've penned a thought or two but things have been unusual on my end. Things worked aiight with the car. As anticipated, the was costly repai needed. Took care of it and I moved on without a second thought...

The next set of circumstances has been harder to manage. Doubt, fear, and almighty insecurity decided to become unwanted houseguest and I've been forced to look at the very issues I try ever so carefully to keep in check.

My esteem has taken a bit of a beatin'. Oh but - should rephrase and say my ego has. I'm going into reasons why; I"m far too embarrassed to explain, but I find myself wanting and demanding more than I've had previously. Call it a midlife crisis. Call it a stupid man finally trynna gain some sense, I dunno. All I know is I wake each morning and I don't like my environment! My min is putting me through changes to fix things and I won"t be at peace until it's settled.

Is this normal? I've never claimed to be, dance far too long to a different beat, and only when I realize I'm the only one hearing that tune how bizarre I must seem to others.

I need to dance with someone for awhile...