On A Leap Year Day In '72

Antonio Saboto, Jr was born. Happy Birthday to the former Calvin Klein undies model and current actor. Cool, a fellow Piscean to boot.

How're YOU Doin?!?

Hey Guys, sorry I haven't been posting lately, I'm still sick as a dog...this thing, whatever I have, has been kicking my tail for weeks and I just can't seem to shake it. While I long since went back to work, I'm still out of it. I've been taking long lunches to rest in the one break room because I can't call off since I'm out of sick time. When I get home at night I barely have enough energy to feed the cats before crawling in under the covers.

2008 is kickin' my butt! But thanks for hangin' in there with me. I promise to resume bloggin' with interesting details soon. Life goes on even though I've been sick. For those of you who read the blog for my thoughts, you might want to know I kicked Napoleon out of my life for good! Kudos for me (I finally took your advice Aaron). Plus there was a major fire in my development last Sunday which made me realize how blessed I am. It could've been me. God is good in His Infinite Mercy.

Even though this is my birthday weekend (two more years to the BIG one), I plan to catch up on computer time. One can only stay in bed for so long...so flu or no flu, I'm havin' the best birthday weekend of my life! Thanks to everyone who emailed well wishes. Sorry I haven't emailed back, but you know I always do eventually (Heinz thanks for the links and I enjoy the emails, keep 'em coming....Greg thanks for the eye candy! If those men don't make me feel better soon, I don't know what will!)

So if I don't do a post for Leap Year Day tomorrow, I will fire up the blog starting March 1! Thanks guys. Hope you all are well...

DT

Getting there

One can only stay in bed for so long before you get tired of being tired. I've been deathly ill with the flu since Saturday and so far 2008 hasn't been very kind to me health wise. Not too long ago i had an upper respiratory infection, now this damn flu. Ugh.

There isn't much noteworthy to blog about, nothings going on since I've been restricted to my bed. I needed to get up and post something. Tomorrow, with doctor's release, I can return to work. Ugh, I'll have to work double time to make up for my lack of sick paid time off.

Sick

I've been sick the last couple for days. I will resume blogging when I feel better.

Some Sun(jata) For An Icy Day

Thank Goodness the Powers That Be gave us a two hour delay this morning due to icy weather conditions.

Instead of getting ready, however, I'm putzing around on the computer. Don't worry, I'll get ready in a few minutes. I still have plenty of time to get ready.

I intend breaking my Lenten vow giving up eating McDonald's fast food also because I need breakfast and I won't have time (nor do I want to risk slipping and sliding going) to go the grocery store. I'll say an extra prayer of penance later this evening. God will understand.

Anyway, this post this morning is for Aaron, who I discovered, is as much of a Daniel Sunjata fan as I am. Daniel is soooo dreamy. Ah!

When I get home I'll finish etching out my dreams and recollection of my high school wrestling teammates. It'll prove interesting, plus I still owe Greg my Red Lobster encounter with Freddie...

Till then, enjoy Daniel!

Thunder Go BOOM!

Sleeping the sleep of angels this morning, I was awakened to a loud thunder clap. It was so loud I seriously thought there had been a terrorist attack on TMI (Three Mile Island)! It scared the shit out of me. Taking a moment or two to adjust, I realized it was only thunder, especially that lightening flashed a few moments later....sheesh.

Our weather has been bizarre lately. I was telling Heinz not long ago we've had near record highs when we in the high 60s degree mark last week. Earlier this week we had record cold temperatures with the wind chill, -7 degrees. On Sunday it was sunny one moment, then we had a snow squall the next. Yesterday it snowed more than was predicted, then sleeted and rained frozen rain. This morning the brief, but scary, thunder snow-rain. WTF! I'm sure my religious friends are seeing this as a sign for the End Days. With that thunder clap a few moments ago, I'd believe it too.

I'm mad at Mother Nature! Not because the inclement weather, but because she interrupted my dream this morning. Damn. I was dreaming about a crush I had had many years ago. It was one of my vivid dreams, so realistic, I really thought I was awake. I was sad to see the dream end.

Now, we all have someone in our life that we wonder "what if?" Seib is mine. I don't know why I was thinking about him this morning. I haven't seen him probably in 18 years. We went to high school together and Seib was in the class under me, in my sister Rina's class. Seib was the kindest, sweetest guy, I knew then and I think fondly of him. He was gentle and passionate about life. He wanted to go into politics (maybe because yesterday was the Potomac Primaries, I had the dream???) and was popular. We had a few classes together, including my American Government, Driver's Ed, Sex Ed, and several PE classes. We were also on the wrestling team together. More on that in a moment.

Waking up, I'm enlightened with an "a-ha!" moment. Peeling back the cloud over the years, kicking myself for not knowing then, my sweet friend Seib must have been gay. Why didn't I realize it then?!?! Granted, I wasn't out until I started creepin' in college, but all the indicators were there. For both of us! Seib was gay. He has to be! How do I know? For the same reason any of the guys I knew back then were, you just have a feeling. Looking at how I behaved, dressed, and conveyed myself, and making the comparison to how Seib was too, yes, I'll be very surprised if he isn't gay. It's all about the common traits. Gaydar, I guess. Right?

Seib was a sweet guy. No, not the negative connotation of sweet, but tender and compassionate. I don't know how to put the emotion into words. We were good friends and spent a great deal of time together. The fact I still think about him after two decades....wow! It boggles my imagination.

Seib is white, not that it matters. He was handsome and pretty at the same time. Seib had the most beautiful hazel green eyes and a mop of thick black hair. He had an above average body, but not too overdeveloped.

I swear he could have been a poster boy. When I read Jim Provenzano's Pins, I envisioned the central character, Joey, based on my friend Seib's body build and personality.

My 20 year reunion is this year. I think Seib's brother, "Jericho," was in my class. I'll have to pull out my yearbook and check. If so, this gives me more reason to attend my high school reunion. I gotta get in touch with Gr... Seib, I mean (if you're reading this blog, Seib, contact me! I've given enough clues about who I am to those who are in the know, to figure out who I am). There is only one other guy I think about more than Seib, and that's our fellow wrestling teammate, Devan (a biracial guy, again not that it matters). He's another guy who makes me weak thinking about him...

I'll have to finish this post latter because I need to get ready for work. It's gonna be treacherous this morning with all the ice! More on this later.

Brian

My Current Destop Wallpaper

Heat For A Cold Winter's Night

Photos For The Masses

OK, the other night was no photos, tonight is no words (mostly). Just some beautiful and sexy eye candy.

Maurice Greene

Tahmoh Penikett

Better known as Carl "Helo" Agathon from Sci-fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica

Thank You Heinz!

He that is thy friend indeed,

He will help thee in thy need:

If thou sorrow, he will weep;

If thou wake, he cannot sleep;

Thus of every grief in heart

He with thee doth bear a part.

These are certain signs to know

Faithful friend from flattering foe.

-William Shakespeare

A much needed reminder..... Thank You, Heinz!

Soon....

Anger & Tears

Figured I'd do one more post before bed. No pictures tonight, just words. It's bitterly cold outside tonight, winds blowing somethin fierce outside. Good night to be under the covers with the electric blanket on. Good night for a nice novel. I've got several waiting for me.

Blog posts might be lite for the next few days while I reassess where I want the Axe to go. I realize some posts have been deeply person and heavy. I put myself out there beyond my comfort zone, now I'm feelin' a little ashamed, slightly embarrassed. Originally, I started blogging because I thought it'd be a great way to express thoughts and opinion, plus dish some eye candy on the side. I'm not feel overly creative these days, feelin' like I'm just bitching and rehashin' the same old same old. Is my blog really interesting? Really? perhaps, but my soul searching has run aground with recent road blocks and sandbars in route.

Napoleon and I have been bickering more than ever lately. Just a matter of time till we're no longer friends. I can't blame him entirely. I get impatient with him too easily. I forget he still hasn't crossed all the journeys I have. Nevertheless, I am far from shallow or materialistic. I don't judge or value someone by how much money is in their wallet or by their appearance. If I'm friends with you, developed a connection, you've touched and intrigued my mind, isn't that what life is about? An exchange of thoughts and ideas, striving for self and community improvement?

Naps has a way of makin' me feel like shit about myself in a way none of my other friends do. As I said, he's a shallow bastard, and judges quickly on personal appearance and is ill mannered. He'll quickly blurt out whatever's on his mind before thinking about ramifications. The boy is drop dead gorgeous, sure, but I wonder sometimes if he has a heart? I am by no means a pretty boy or consider myself remotely handsome. I struggle with self-esteem and image, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and show my emotions easily and often. Naps is calculating and a huge drama queen. No matter the topic, conversation, or situation, he has a way of diverting all attention and focus back to him.

Our original fight started a couple weeks ago when he started dating his new beau du jour, "Joesph." I can't stand the bastard. My mum taught me if you really can't be nice or show kindness to someone, stay away from them, which I'm doing. I've broken plans with Naps because I really don't care to spend my evening feeling bad about myself or stuck with him and Joey all glamorous, pretty, and A&F-ing about at the clubs. I'm just not in that place anymore. While I'm trying to build positive esteem, Naps seem to quickly want it dismantled. Ugh! Why? Must I be your standard of handsome to be your friend?!?!

Rejection is a bitch and a half! So on top of dealing with not feeling accepted, secure, or even attractive, I now have two or three friends actin' asinine lately. Now is when I need to rally positive enforcement, not feel like I'm some heathen troll that deserves to sit at the back of the room. We all can't be 6'2", 146 lbs, and have abs out the wazzoo. And if that is the case, what is somebody in my situation supposed to do? Sit back and accept being the friggin' sidekick? So you keep me around so I can show the world how merciful you are?!?! WTF!

"Isn't that so nice of {Napoleon}! He's being so kind to that ugly guy!" Grrrrr! Please fuck off and die. Again, if you're that shallow that I have to be the ideal, typical, stereotypical gay clone (from either the gay black or gay white community), then why am I you're friend? I don't fit into either category. I'm just me. Cut me a break!

I'll end this on one of the best quotes that comes to mind, the words from Cellie's character in the Color Purple expressed when she finally leaves with Shug from rotten ol' Mister. Nobody said it better than Whoopi Goldberg.... and thank you God, for Alice Walker, because my heart understands the words tonight.

"I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here! ..."

Requisites

Like anyone else, I have my good days and have my bad days. God has blessed me (or perhaps, the Devil has cursed me) to be in touch with my feelings and emotions. I'm not afraid to show them or let them resonate from within. I consider my self damage, yes, yet a work in progress. Perpetually, the dual edged sword.

Each morning, as I paddle off to the bathroom to take care of the daily necessities, toileting, bathing, grooming, I work hard on fortifying my esteem so I can face the world. My life has been difficult, I've had to overcome an adversity or two, but not insurmountable. Through it all, I value love and friendships that support me through the grind moment to moment. Without a firm support base, our foundation, the structure of us, would collapse and decay. Each night, I like to think I give my Higher Power thanks, in some way, for the gift of friendship and love bestowed.

Recently, I had a conversation with a few friends and was astonished to learn one or two my black male accomplices are uncomfortable with my sexuality. Actually, one person didn't surprise me because they're not at ease in their own skin, so why should they be with mine? Now mind you, I'm not judging, but I'm a little suspect of anyone who can't be in touch with themselves. These overly reserved, I never get angry, couldn't possibly cry, it's never my fault but your's types are ticking time bombs. Certainly, there's a difference between living life and existing in life. Simply existing, in my opinion, is bidding your time until your crawl into your grave.

I don't expect everybody to understand where I've been. Don't expect everyone to elate I've come to terms with struggles and conflict, accept my place. I do expect those I am closest to though, be able to share and give freely of their heart and soul. Don't hoard your emotions! If I do,say, or demonstrate something that does not please you, tell me. Don't whisper behind my back and expect me to change, share it...

I don't fault straight men, possibly straight women too, for not understanding homosexuality. People are taught from birth its wrong, evil, a sin. But love and sexuality is more than two people having sex (f*cking). In the end, its really about two people trying to connect with each others hearts and minds. Yeah, I've heard the argument homosexuality is unnatural and perverted, counter productive. Heard folks shout homosexuality is immoral and licentious.

Yeah? What about you're own heterosexual behaviors? Getting drunk, nailing every woman from here to California, having tons of babies you don't support, ain't immoral?

Some aspects of sexual behavior are equally destructive, gay or straight! Just because you fear being less than a man, automatically makes me less than a man? Not so! I'm human. I breathe, I feel, I want, I desire, I need. Aren't those the same things you feel? Oh I forgot, you don't feel. Guess those balls got in the way of your brain.

Please tell me, why it is more acceptable to watch two women make out than it is two men? Hmm? Why the double standard? Again, you can't feel. Can't touch the tender spot within. Are you that insecure in your masculinity that the act of two men enjoying and sharing castrates you? Really now?!? C'mon! Get with the mother-flippin' program! We all have things we don't like, sure, but get mature already! A real man, gay or straight, loves and accepts people from all walks of life. Accepting homosexuality, being comfortable with someone else's, does not mandate you are one!

OK, blew that up a bit. I'm not angry, not directing this to anyone person in particular, I just tire hearing the argument, especially from straight black men. Looking back, it's the reason I fled from my community as fast as I could as a child. My diaspora though, punishes me as an adult, because I've missed out on camaraderie and solid companionship from my black peers. Made foolish choices because I was afraid of being abused, both physically and emotionally, from the hands of straight black men.

My relationships with straight black men are terse and on edge, even with so-called gay accepting ones. Even E.J. and I don't see eye to eye on things. He can laugh and joke about things, but I had to read him one day about the whole "it's a preference thing." What the fuck! Do you honestly think I'd chose a lifestyle that ostracizes me from everything familiar? Oh pray tell, how much I adore being a social pariah, as I've felt in my life experience? I've never felt like I fitted in, was accepted. Above all else, E.J. should understand that! He knows what I'm talking about (private matter)...I'm not mad at E.J. either. I long ago accepted his limitations on what I can and can't express to him. I hid my sexuality for a long time from him for that reason.

It wasn't until a mutual acquaintance of ours outed me, that I came clean to E.J. (Yes, E.J. I know about that whole conversation. There's very little I allow get by me, that involves me.) He shuts down when he feels ill-at-ease with subjects he can't fathom, can't handle. I love him, though, like brother and defy anyone who tries to hurt him. I'd kick anyone's ass if they tried to fuck with him, including his bitch ex-wife (someone I wouldn't dare tangle with on a good day!). Naw, he's my brother and he's been there through some tough shit in my life. We don't need to speak about it, it's just one of those understood deals. Doesn't everyone have a friend like that? I have the pleasure, the Grace really, to say I've several...

My whole point here, is when will we be able to live and let live? When will we see an interracial couple, a gay couple, a lesbian couple, a whatevah couple, and not give a second glance or thought? When will SGL/LGBT persons of color find love and celebration from the greater AA community? Embraced and loved without a moment's hesitation? When will we all learn to recognize we each have our purpose in life, and allow it? Huh? When???

Excuse me, Sir.

On a daily basis, I ask myself, what does it mean to be a man? Take a step further, what does it mean to be a gay man? And finally, perhaps most importantly, what is it to be a gay black man?

Brother To Brother

Last night I rewatched Brother to Brother Excellent movie! Not everyone is as lame as I am when it comes to seeing films. I hate going to theaters. They're so expensive! And let's not talk about the consumer base, people who's phones ring during the film, annoying teenagers yak yakking through the picture...ugh! No, I rather wait until the flick comes out on DVD (although I might make two excepts because I really, really, really want to see First Sunday and Cloverfield).

My words can't give Brother to Brother justice, so I won't try. The movie is very poignant and it's one of those films you wish would never end. Like you still wonder what happens to the character after the credits. I cried at the end (yeah, I'll admit it!) Daniel Sunjata, Duane Boutte, Aunjanue Ellis, Ray Ford, and Anthony Mackie star in the feature. I loved it! This is one of those movies I intend to force on my friends. Hey, I've sat through enough Mr & Mrs Smith and Collateral films, so they owe here! Besides it'll show you there ain't nothing new under the sun these days. What's been goin' on today, has been for decades.

The movie shows the parallels of today's struggle for acceptance with the plight of the LGBT African American community during the Harlem Renaissance, particularly focusing on the friendships between Langston Hughes, Aaron Douglas, Wallace Thurman, and Zora Neale Hurston. I was captivated from the opening credits. As I said, my pitiful words cannot give the film justice. If you've not already rented it, do so. You'll be surprised and delighted by what you view.

Cuba

Race & Gender Traitor, Part One

A segment in the A Tribe Of One Postings

This piece, originally titled "Community Respect, What You Expect" was written in reactionary response to another Blogger's post. It tapped into some of my shit and exploded into self-befuddlement. Perhaps, this could be one of the most personal pieces I'll end up writing on the Axe. Hopefully explanation will permit clearer insight and reveal why I am who I am today. Some issues have never been spoken aloud to anyone besides my therapist or Lady Miss T, and even they don't know all the circumstances and details from my sordid childhood. Some things should remain hidden, forever locked away, like Pandora's Box. Once the lid opens, you can never adequately close it, nor walk away unscathed....

Skip it if you really don't care to discern my pain. I don't care if you look at the pretty pictures, really I don't.

Contrary to what my peers have thought about me in the past, and some in the present, I do not hate my ethnicity. There is no self-loathing because I am a man of color. I do not disrespect my ancestors, nor do I wish to diminish my African American heritage. By in large, I feel I've never been particular welcome by any particular group, given the rubber stamp, rejected, and sent not so merrily on my way. I have never despised being black. I do not want to be white. I celebrate my ethnicity and delight to be diverse in ethic ancestry. Does this mean I come unscathed, unsullied by labels of "sell-out," forever cast aside with arrogance, given a little bourgeois, unforgivable sin? Often.

The fact I have to act or be a certain way for acceptance comes off incredibly phony. It's not something anyone can absolve, nothing positive will come until acceptance is freely given, growing within my soul. No one black, white, or anywhere between, can tell me to get over it or get with the program, until they too have tread along my path. No one white, black, nor blend of the two, can pronounce it doesn't matter, that folks are wrong. Have you lived my life? Know my position, stance, and have been where I've been?

Perhaps self-loathing lurks, but not because of shame of ethnicity, but due to rejection; rejection that came from family and community early on. It's still painful to open up such emotions. Embarrassing. At almost 40, down to my soul, I feel such matters have long needed to be resolved. My developing adolescence torn asunder, self-worth, and -esteem, basic identity foundation, is established well before one enters mid-life. In my adult life, situations always place me seemingly at a disadvantage.

Conceivably, eloquent expression may not be my best gift. Reading previous posts, I envision juvenile pondering and great immaturity, simplistic, moronic words. Occasional negativity staggering back to my youth creeps in my words. Or the comparison of others, on how I ought to be, shames me to think I'm not worthy.

I read a good many blogs. Some blogs keep me sharper and more in tune with the game, challenging me to aspire to more than I am. Others drill at insecurities, reinforcing old negative self-values. Are you passing judgment towards me? Am I the subject of your disdain? Well, not in name, but in concept, yes.

Part of why I started a blog was to tap into the core issues, the untapped emotion, branching out to others. It was an exercise in being open, honest, and not living in deep denial. My words or images I post are not to "objectify" or "devalue" anyone. I'm not hiding behind "bourgeois ideals" representing the white Negro, the imitation Black man (as some negative critics labeled me in their e-mails). I only wish to express my heart, not to malign, abuse, or take advantage of Black men. I do not hate what I am. I do not hate what I long to be closer to. Just because I may express a desire occasionally for music, writings, or bodies that differ from my own racial background, does not make me a sellout. We all have different tastes at different times. Is not variety the spice of life? Sometimes you want rocky road, other times you prefer mint chocolate chip.

Does being a person of color, in my case a Black American, mandate I must reject and hate anything involving another race? No friends? No music? No partners? Seems implausible. Yet, I can understand and reason with of those who feel that way. When one has forgotten who they are, feels they are better than their peers, elevates and equates themselves outside their own race, can be irritating. Losing touch with one's identity does invalidate the worth of the rest. Or does it? For some, these view comes from a place of concern. The guardians watch out, criticize, and hand out disapproval, so said "Toms" does not wake up alone one day. Came back to the Black side, we miss you. (An example of this is how many in the black community feel about Tiger Woods.)

I am neither alone nor without support.

I have loving friends, gay, straight, black, white and everywhere in-between. Does your dismissal I act too white mean anything? Aren't you proud that I can be an individual? proud that I have intelligence, know who I am, and work to dismiss old, ignorant stereotypes? Or do you only see the outside without knowing the heart? Are my words to "white bred?" Not coming off "street" or "urban-ethnic" enough? Oh I can speak very eloquently and when needed, speak colloquial slang (I hate the term Ebonics) Is it a prerequisite for all black young men, under 50, speak in over-hyped masculine tones, ending every sentence with "nawhamsayin" or "Nawhamean?" (again very bad stereotype!)?

Additionally, as a Black man, who happens to be gay, must I also add to my persona the stereotypic less than a man, sissy-queen label, sashaying around like some Miss J diva-bitch? This is not a slight against effeminate men, but not everyone needs to be pigeon holed into said behavior or mannerisms.

(more to come...)

Brother Langston's Words...

I, too sing America.

I am the darker brother
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table,
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me
Eat in the kitchen
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed-

I, too, am America.

Langston Hughes 1924

Blogging Helps

My kindness came. It came in three ways today. I'm in a better place tonight than I was last night. Occasionally, my fears, shame, and embarrassment get the best of me.

My emotions tend to go into overdrive, take over, and stir me in unwanted directions. Last night was a culmination of reserved feelings and, in part, life situations constantly evolving and degrading. I was spent from being sick, the nagging cough refusing to release me from its grip. Everything cascaded and drowning doesn't begin to describe the turmoil I was experiencing. Again though, I am nothing, if not resilient. I feel more in control today.

Several overdue posts are lagging behind. I'm endeavoring to type them and have posted before tomorrow. Stay with me. If you want a clearer understanding to what has shaped and molded me, you're about to get it. I'm nervous because it lays me threadbare before you. Shame is such a nasty emotion, but sometimes you just have to put it all out there, and hope for positive responses.

Leoban sent me a quick note of encouragement. Another blogging friend has been reaching out and keep my spirits high, checking in, and sending me beautiful pictures (Thanks, Greg!).

So with that said, here come my posts based on my life as youth learning to accept my sexuality, race, and ethnicity. They're long posts and may take a while to post, but they'll be well worth it if you care to connect more with your blogmaster, Darktomahawk. Try to place yourself in my shoes. As always, feedback is appreciated, even if you disagree with my conclusions. I'd love to hear what you think, just be kind if you wish to critique my personal analysis...

Shadows Eclipsing

Do you ever feel like you're having a "two steps forward, three steps back" kinda life? I am this week. I'm carefully choosing my words because I feel vulnerable tonight, already dropped my guard, and got hurt enough over it, so I'm gonna be on reserved mode for a while.

You want complete honesty? I'm afraid you might not like my words if I let every heart-wrenching thought spill out on to the computer these days. Transparency is too easy. I mean, developing a tougher skin wouldn't hurt, but then I lose everything that makes me, me.

I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. Boxed in. Frustrated. Nobody can change these things I unless I make the effort, yet no matter how much of an ambition I give, I feel the fight get harder to maintain each day. I'm really disappointed in how life developed. I grew up way too fast; can't believe I'm almost 40! So much unresolved.

A few months ago I was pondering about the person that I am as opposed the person I want to be. Thoughts and prayer can move mountains. Yeah, as if I could click my heels that easily and be the hell back in Kansas! My life doesn't work that way.

What's triggered all this? A variety of factors. Judgment from others (stated or implied, its all the same). Souring relationships. Dying and stagnant friendships. Ex-loves. Unobtainable goals. Lack of having what I want in life. Lack of being who I wanted to be. Rejection, rejection, rejection...Used to believe I could connect, change the world, be a source of influence, and find my own Oz. Hasn't happened. Yeah, definitely need a thicker skin. In this world, it really is a matter of fuck over or be fucked over.

Dead silence is the coldest, harshest, treatment, fanning the flames of voices heard decades ago, repeating negative themes....

Too many old, old issues of how life used to be when I was small child are coming back. Too much of feeling, yet again, being the outcast, isolated, unwanted, and undeserving, standing alone on the sidelines while the rest of the children merrily play.

Picture your most alone moment, your most vulnerable place, when comfort in you peers mattered most. Is it too much to ask? For acceptance? Do we ultimately, no matter how old we get, stand alone. Do the opinions of others, after all, really do matter, despite what we say to ourselves? Of course they do! Who was it who said "No man is an island?"

Don't look at me and judge me without knowing my trials, my tribulations. I'm am more than my body, more than my mind, more than these words typed on a blog. Do you perceive me lesser of a person, by your standards, because I don't fit your ideal, your expectations on how I should, walk, talk, dress, act? Am I your "Traitor?" Are my sins unforgivable simply because I acknowledge my heart? Because I see the world through many perspectives?

Loneliness is very piercing. What more is there to say? A dark place, I am in. Wandering, searching, for my own Promised Land, my own Jerusalem.

Sorry, my confidence isn't the greatest right now. There's raw emotion behind these words and I don't know if the meaning is being conveyed. In part, I hope it all reads like gibberish. I could tap into the pain, explain what ignited this further, but what purpose would that serve. Answers come to us all the time, you just need to recognize them.

Hopefully some kindness will fall my way. Till then, I'll muddle through like I've done for decades. Resiliency is my best feature after all.

Dreamlover

Dreamlover by Mariah Carey

I need a lover to give me The kind of love That will last always I need somebody uplifting To take me away I want a lover who knows me Who understands how I feel inside Someone to comfort and hold me Through the long lonely nights 'Till the dawn Why don't you take me away

[Chorus:] Dreamlover come rescue me Take me up take me down Take me anywhere you want to baby now I need you so desperately Won't you please come around 'Cause I wanna share forever with you baby

I don't want another pretender To disillusion me one more time Whispering words of forever Playing with my mind I need someone to hold on to The kind of love that won't fly away I just want someone to belong to Everyday Of my life Always So come and take me away

[Chorus]