Disconnect-Reconnect

So yours truly is on the lam again. If only it were true. Hmph. But no, I'm here in Sunny California trying not to get used to West Coast time since I'm only here for a short visit. Noted as my final trip to the City of Angels, I had some business matters to attend to while I was out here. Plus I needed to discover an opportunity, which presented itself in the way I expected. Noted. So now, I prepare to transition myself back to real life and stay there for a few years...

So the big question everyone wants to know is what the hell is up with me, the blogs, and life in general? Simple answer: chaos. But organized chaos. As try as he might, Wonder Man put me in the hot seat last night, but sometimes I know when to be coy. LOL. Tonight might be different because there's the threat of adult beverage. Oh shit. No, this 40 year is gonna be a good boy. I will say this though, I made a few decisions and now it's time to make due on them....

For now, that's all I want to say.

The Sleeping Dragon.

This morning I find myself struggling. I'm not even sure what to key here, just know that my mind is outta sorts and I'm feeling rather disappointed and not so much down, but unfulfilled. There's the big question that I presented to a friend last night which was "What more is there to life?" Isn't there more than what I have and what I am? Therapy has stirred the pot, and I'm grateful, but today will be the penultimate challenge to practice all the little mantras to defeat the negative messages I send to myself on daily basis. I know where the dragon sleeps, I just don't feel like being the brave knight to slay the beast just yet....

Freedoms

It's been a while since I've done any posting to the blogs. I'm taking care of that this morning. Why at the wee hours of the morning I dunno. It's sticky and humid. The rain is falling and I have to be up for work in about two hours. Plan on going back to bed soon enough, but wanted to pen a few thoughts first.

So, if there's anyone who still reads this personal blog journey, thanks. You don't know how many times I've wrestled in the last two months with just deleting the whole thing. My heart really isn't into blogging anymore. I've been going to therapy on a regular basis and truth be told, this go round has been the worst. Oh I'm learning, but this time I got an excellent therapist who isn't pulling any punches and allowing me to duck and dodge my issues. I'm gettign to the nitty gritty with what's broken with me. Unfortunately too much esteem and confidence issues are coming to the surface. I've acting a bit reckless and fool-hearty, but managing to stay on track. I even dealt with some much need unresolved issues with my deceased father. That's a work in progress. Hell, my life feels like an episode of Ruby! (Weight issues and all!)

So, in a few weeks I'm headed back to the West Coast, twice. Once more back to the City of Angels, and a second time to Seattle. Wow. Lord. If anyone told me last year I'd be flying this much in 2010, I'd told them they was lyin'. The LA trip is quasi-business related (no drunken stupors this time) and the Seattle trip is for a work conference. Ugh. To be honest, I'm not looking forward to either trip. Well, kinda LA. I get to see some of my friends out there, but as I said, it's business not a recreational. I'm not complaining though. I escape the confines of my humdrum world if only for six days.

Overall, I'm feeling better than I've had for some time. Therapy has helped, it's just rough. The impossible task is letting go of the things I don't have, and holding on to the things I do. Or should I say as well, letting go of the things I don't need and picking up the things I do. Let's say this again, shall we? Letting go of the things I don't need and pick up the things that I do. So true.

OK, That's enough for now and I'm sleepy. Time for a quick nap before I have to get back up in an hour and a half.

Monday Promises

Can't believe the weekend is over?!?! And er ah, where did you go? What did I do? No really, I had a pretty productive weekend and my Monday is actually shaping up to be pretty productive as well. I hope all your adventures this week are promising.

Hopefully this evening I will have time to sit down and list out the goals I've written out for myself. Time seems to be the one thing I seem to be losing lately rather than gaining. Hmph. Alright peeps. Gotta go to work. I might try to sneak a post in during the day. Until then.

-Ian.

A Process Deserved

In a better effort to get things where I want them, I decided to go back to basics with both the blog and with myself. Over the next few weeks, six to be exact, I'm going to indulge in a little experiment. Lucky you, the readers, get to join in our my adventure as I promise to faithfully blog, the good, the bad, and the not so pretty of what's going.

Hopefully, at the end of these six weeks, I'll see some positive progress and will have a firm foothold on long desired goals. If I had more time this morning I'd list a few, but it's Monday morning and God forbid if I''m late for the Plantation...er, work today. I promise to share more details sometime before the days ends Eastern Standard Time today. Promise bubbes.

Now, go get yourselves back to what you were doing!!!
-Ian

Misaligned

I'm not feeling well this morning and my spirit is out of alignment.

The Analysis Junction

This morning I'm waking up with heavy thought and the day might prove to have some challenges. Oh boy. I'm fighting this shit, but I did go to bed with issues on my mind so I can't say this is totally unexpected. Doesn't help that it's supposed to rain most of the day. Oh, and you do realize Daylight Savings Time is this weekend? We push the clocks ahead. Frak! Hate DST in the Spring.

Coming together, I'm analyzing all the mistakes I've made recently and how I mishandled situations. There's nothing I can do about them now, the past is the past, but how they'll impact my future is what concerns me. Today will be one of those quiet introspective days I suppose. To be honest I'm feeling a tad humiliated and ashamed. Stupid really, but angry at the same time. I'm glad I have the weekend off to decompress. Plan on doing some early spring cleaning and gutting my house of shit I don't need.

So what does the future hold? Coming back from the West Coast gave me a few answers about myself I wasn't expecting. Go read in between the lines on Pharaoh's post on his blog. It wasn't exactly a walk in the park for the boys. I never said I was an easy-going person. Far from it. As confusing and fucked as my blog is, so too am I. Indecisive, lax, crazy, dramatic, and all those other unflattering adjectives are who I am. Hm. Don't think my dear friend was anticipating the reality of it all. Poor man. LOL.

For me to have gotten on an airplane, travel across country by myself, and met a complete stranger took courage I didn't think I had. So I commend myself. No matter how good, or bad the trip turned out to be, that in and of itself what the greatest accomplishment. I'm not going to speak negative on the trip because it wasn't that bad. Was it perfect? No. Put four guys in close proximity for several days your bound to get on each other's nerves. Plus, for as much as Pharaoh blogs about everything in his life and world, as much as he and I have talked on the phone, I never realized how private and territorial he is. That's not a slam. Just a statement of fact. Me? I am what you read here. A loose connection of this and that.... a bundle of unresolved issues. Take it or leave it. I make no apologies. At least not for now. LOL.

Home!

Boys and girls, I am tired. Jet-lagged and trynna drag myself in for a half day of work. Didn't get in until 3 AM this morning and am just now getting outta bed. My body clock is so off. Not sure if I'm on Pacific time, Central (due to my layover in Chicago), or Eastern Standard. Oh yeah, and Day Light Savings Time is this weekend! Rah!

Vegas was interesting. LA was all it promised to be and more. The West Coast was a trip and a half. Made some decent memories.Put into motion new plans, working on new goals, and learned a lil something in the process.

I'll have to give a synopsis later in the week, but all in all, time was well spent...mostly intoxicated, but oh well. That's what celebrations are for, right?

To My Two LA Brothers

Despite having misplaced my glasses, last night the gang and I saw Fantasia is the Color Purple. Kt was a truly awesome performance and I was thoroughly entertained. I must thank Pharaoh for his efforts for making my birthday a memorable occasion and he has gone above and beyond his way to do so. Sure there's been a few rough spots here and there (Tazzt and I tend to bicker A LOT) but overall I'm enjoying myself and opening myself up to wonderful new experiences.

I suppose what's the biggest and most difficult situatioin is coming out oif my shell and relaxing; letting my guard down enough so thay I don't feel intimidated. What inspires me the most witnesses Pharaoh, TazzN and the children at play is the great comfort the take witheach other. The love, openness, and depth in their dealings with one another. The one thing Ui will take awayfrom my visit is I still have much learning to do before I settle down into the kife that Iwant for myself. Hopefully. Someday, it'll just be. But on the eve of my 40th I would like give a heartfelt and loving thanks to two brothers for putting up with me so far. I know I'm not the easiest person to understand or deal with. How I operate often defies explanation eveb to me. As it stands, God didn't see fit to bless me with biological brothers, but He did give me Pharaoh and Tazzy later in life who took up the mantle and have earned that special place in my heart. Like Corey, my BBC, I appreciate those two for the laughs, discussionsn debatesn disagreesn and the love we've shared. To you both, I say thanks for making me for blessed for my birthday vacation.

Love ya guysb
Ian

Making The Most Out Of It

OK, so today is the last day of my 30s. Really. The last day. The absolute last day. Now it isn't like the world is gonna change on a dime in at the stroke of midnight. Far from it. The big celebration will continue and when the day comes to an end, it will be like any other day. Whoopee Ding. LOL.

Wish I had some inspiring words or messages to say. Something profound to say that I learned about myself in my 30s that I take into my 40s having learned better about myself. Instead I enter the next decade of my life knowing a few more insecurities, taking on more debts, worries, challenges, heartaches, and challenges than I did when I enter. Yet, the greatest thing above all else is I'm here. I've taken another breathe. Laid eyes on the sun one more day. I may not have all the things that I want, have all the things that my heart wishes, but I truly have all the things I need.

God never promised to give us all that we wanted. He never said that life would be remotely fair or easy. Nope, not one damn second. It's funny. I've been giving much thought that even though life has had its hardships for me and I have been in deep loneliness and pain, I still have absolutely everything I need. EVERYTHING. There isn't none thing I couldn't account for that I don't have at this moment. Really. Sure I wish shit was different. I won't go through the laundry list of what's broke in my world, but I know one thing, I have me and that is all that counts. Yep.

Los Angeles, thus far....

LA has been a blast so far. Some glitches here and there, some tense moments, but over all has been fun. I might go in depth over on [MALE] about what's been going on here in Cali, but I'm trying best not to get on Pharaoh's nerves too much. Brother is a lot more quiet than I anticipated, not necessarily reserved, just quiet. Tazzy is as loud and fabulously ferocious as I suspected my baby brother was gonna be.

Umm. I got got too drunk last night in WeHo. I don't care. I wanted to. Figured my last acts of my thirties will be how my thirties began, irreverent and foolish. Once I hit the forties, I can crawl up into that ball of reservedness event further. Hm. There is a thought or two I would like to express, but best to leave it off for now. Catch a post that Maurice wrong on [MALE] about being gay, black, and fat. It was quite stirring. Yes. No such thang as coincidence.

K. Papa Red Bear needs to go back in the other room and join the crew. There' all in there watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Tootles!

Blind To The Nay

Well yesterday didn't go as anticipated, but that's OK because revelation is a good thing whenever it comes. So I'm making the final preparations for my trip this week, trying to get last minute details together, and I think every obstacle that could, happened yesterday.

Well, I'm not letting that stop me. I'm closing the door on negativity, opening the window to success. That's my motto today. Move forward! Yup, I got my attitude in check this morning so I'm charging through this new day with hope and goals. Not sure if I'll accomplish everything, but the effort is its own reward.

Make it happen.

Fight That Battle...

Ugh! It's Monday morning and I'm trynna get up and get my ass in the work out routine but I'm hoping someday I'm have a flat belly like brutha to the right...of course what am I doing? On here telling y'all about it instead of doing. OK, OK, OK, I'm out...

Lord help me this day! LOL.

Stupidity & Silliness

Haven't done a blog post in a few days. Been busy. I need to get caught up on all the blogs before I head out to the West Coast. Tomorrow. That is my goal. This week has been busy with work and I'm just worn out. Only reason I'm up now is I just got off the phone with Crazy Sexy Cool, henceforth to be known as Sugar Bear (he hates that!) LOL. I think I pissed bruh off a bit because I'm tired and a bit silly. got a lil too flirtatious tonight towards the end of our convo. It wasn't intentional. Don't often cross that line with him anymore because I recognize I have the sex appeal of a turnip, but hey, can't blame a man for trying right? Shoot. He'll get over it, if not, I'm sure he'll find a way to even the scales (pun intended) with me soon enough.

Oh baby dolls, did I tell you no longer resemble a troll doll? Well, I still might like like the troll aspect, but I cut off my damn 'fro finally. Plan on keeping it long for the duration. Most of the grey hair got cut out, not that I minded it, but everyone keeps telling me I look years younger. K. Guess Papa Red Bear can learn. Catch my post over on [MALE] later this weekend about the experience. As I said, I'm behind on four posts so after I get off work tomorrow I'll be typing out post after post after post....

Do I Dream Of Normalcy?

So in an effort to free myself from my usual restrains, I'm stepping outside my level of comfort with my trip to LA. Making plans with Prince Pharaoh and Tazzy, going to clubs and hanging out in all the social spots where the beautiful people gon' be. Hm. OK. Am I ready for this?

Now I express my trepidation to this because I'm going with the stereotype that the West Coast is filled with shallow folks who are gonna turn up their noses, giggle, and guffaw at a large brutha like yours truly steppin up in the place. Again, hm. So do I let fear and the possible fear of response from others stop me from having fun? Oh hell no! But I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit to feeling self-conscious to some degree. My confidence isn't the greatest, but I'm gonna buck up, put my best imitation of masculine suave on (as much as yours truly can muster) and do the damn thing. Life is too short, and hey, I wanted to do something different for my fortieth birthday right?

Yeah, it ain't easing being a misshapen tool in the box of perfection, but I need to remind myself of this one thing, we all have our faults. Perhaps I might carry mine around my middle, but there are others who carry theirs between their ears. So what's the deal if I get some stares or some snickers or two. Am I every gonna see any of these people again? Doubt it. And if I come back with memories that bring a smile to my face, then normal or not, then my dreams can come true...

Um...

I hate writer's block. I've started and restarted this post several times and each time is sounds like crap! Ugh. Monday morning frustrations already? Boo it's only the wee hours yet, the day ain't even got started yet. Time to regroup.

Why So Silent M'sieur?

Recently a friend and supporter asked why I haven't been doing much blogging lately. I suppose the simplest answer is because I've been going through some rough spots, feeling like a punk ass bitch, so I've chosen to keep my distress to myself.

It's interesting what we will and won't do, even as gay men, that I've allowed myself to reach a ceiling with how much I want to discuss personally. Methinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis; my balance is off again.

This discontinuity with my spirit; wrestling with the demons of the man I am not and the man I wanted to be. More and more, each morning the motivation to get out of bed is a challenge. Sure, I appear fine on the outside. Yes Virginia, even I can keep a few secrets when needed. I don't air all my dirty laundry. Hmph. If you only knew.

My reluctance to share anything of late cuts to the core of my own masculine pride and self-worth. Fueled by a few negative comments and accusations, I've been acting below my own comfort level and I ain't feeling that shit one second. Vulnerability can be risky when the prize your seeking is contingent on a superficial structure of outward appearances. Let's be honest about that, the older I get, the less likely certain dreams are going to be achieved. Yeah, that's everyone, but the regrets have chosen now to go on the offense. My deep seeded sense of isolation and loneliness has started to physically manifest itself....

There's more I'd like to say, but I'm keeping my defenses up in case the next volley of insults work their way back. I'm tired. Nevertheless, I will attempt to blog more often, for my friends sake. Too, I have a firm belief this tide is about to ebb in a few weeks, and my life will go back to what it was before. Now is that a good thing? Therein remains to be seen....

Lord, It's Monday, But I'm Aiiight!

Can you believe it's Monday already? Weekend went like a blur, but I feel relaxed. I admit it was kinda hard to get my butt outta bed this morn, but I did and I have a few minutes before I have to hit the showers and dress for work.

So it's February. One month of 2010 under our belt. I feel energized and more inspired today. Not sure how you're feeling this Monday, but I'm mos def ready to get the party started!

Have a good one my friends...

A Quick Moment

I woke this morning with a heavy heart and too much on my mind. Just wasn't feeling the business today. Uh-un. But alas, time stands still for no person and I'm no exception. So I'm doing my best to work through my frustrations and regrets and get started with the day. I hate having to work Saturdays. Where everyone else can kick back and relax, my ass is up and slaving away. Well, maybe not slaving...but you get the idea.

Realize why I haven't blog much lately, there's been deep seeded issues too humiliating to post. Every time I sit down in front of the keyboard, that little Jiminy Cricket in my head tells me not to. Shame has been working overtime but I'm attempting to stay positive, so if you don't see words from me, just know I'm doing what needs to be done behind the scenes. This morning I had a conversation with God and for the first time in a long time I think I heard him answer back. Can't describe the sitch, but He understands my worries and the insecurities. I laid it there in front of Him and now I prepare to go about today with purpose (whatever purpose I serve in His plans).

Just thought I'd share....

Hol' Up...

What's good people? Know it's been a while since I sat down and wrote a blog post. Not much going on to discuss except the normal routine. The only thing been up is work, work, work, and more work. Well that and getting ready for my trip to California next month. Lord. As anticipation mounts, the more stressed I'm becoming. Story for another time...

On my mind this morning is some encouragement to all those lonely souls out there, searching for whoevah to grace your side, stay focused and be vigilant. Yeah, that's coming from me, Mr. I-will-never-find-nobody. Nope, haven't found anyone, but lately I've been feeling good just enjoying spending company with myself, delighting in all the wonderfulness I have to offer. If no one else wants it right now, well that's fine.

I'm pressed for time this morning, but I'm hoping that life will give you a purpose and a statement to the universe. Hang in there. It's gonna be all right.

As my friend Thaddeus would say, "That is for somebody."