Finding My Purpose...Finally

Stand up and take notice! Ian is back baby boy...and back in full force with renewed vigor! Holla! Ok, here's the sitch...

Earlier I made mention that a chapter in my life is ending and a new journey is about to begin. Yep. It's true, but let me clarify. No I'm not ending my blogging ventures, just found some new found inspiration and motivation.

A wise man once said that it takes a real man to stand up and admit his mistakes and do it humbly...well tonight I did just that. And I'm feeling a relief like I've never felt. So inspired. So joyous. Like Toddy mentioned on his post earlier, I've found my muse.

Stay tuned...

Time...

Been gone for a minute. Was in Philly last weekend, now home. Back to life. So as one journey is about to close, another will soon begin. Such is the cycle of life. I thank those of you who stood by and gave comments and made it all seem worthwhile. Be good to yourselves.

With all His Blessing Only He can bestow...

Sincerely,
Ian

He IS A Fresh Prince...

A friend just post this on Facebook and I laughed myself silly, so thought I'd share.

Real Soon

I have written this post several times and am giving up trying to make sense of what's in my head. Just gonna type and post it without proofreading it, going with the gut reaction here.

Now as my kitty cat is asleep at my feet, I think wonderfully idyllic it must be to live the life of a cat. No worries. the only thing that concerns you is being fed and occasionally petted by your owner. You get to sleep all day, stay up all night, never worry about getting fat or trying to impress anyone save yourself. The life of a cat indeed. We humans, on the other hand, have so many worries and issues, it's ridiculous. Oh the life of a cat.

Today was an exercise in frustration and futility. It's the anniversary of my break up with Napoleon, which up until this past weekend, I thought I was handling things well. Somehow, Saturday night managed tap me on the shoulder with loneliness and I found myself in the car and driving to his house. No, I didn't go in, but for one sec, the stalker came out. Funny. I was the one who broke up with his trifflin' ass, so why am I still thinking about him? I mean honestly, I'm the verge of something positive and good. Been hollaring at a decent fellow for a few weeks now and thing might go in some direction leading to something wonderful...maybe. So why am I thinking about the fool who took advantage of me and broke my heart in the process?

I've often written I make a bad homo, which is true. I do. I don't have that inner bitch that so many gay men have that shields them from the emotional discord I oft find myself. I won't lie and say I'm not envious who got that lesson that made them into men. I'm not talking mean-spiritedness, surely there are plenty bitchy queens out there, but the ones who have a certain devil-may-care attitude when life shits in their corn flakes. The attitude, "Well OK, next! I ain't got time to worry about that foolishness."

Perhaps I made too many costly errors in my youth? But I'm a firm believer its never too late to rectify misdeeds and get on the good foot. Maybe I'm naive. I dunno, but I got a schooling coming my way soon. Plan to immerse myself in uncomfortable situations to toughen my pansy punk ass up a bit. Yeah its that bad. But this doesn't come from a place of feeling sorry for myself, but complete honesty. Ian feels left behind and its time he caught up with the rest of the 'mos out there. Watch out. I'm headed your way REAL SOON....

I Wanna

So you wanna read a deeper side to Ian than what ya know? OK, stealing a page from my mentor, here we go. Tame by comparison, but a post you'd expect from me.

I wanna...

Get fuckin' sloppy drunk. So goddamn drunk, it''ll put any drunken episode from college to shame.

Fuck like I did when I was twenty. Fuck long and hard, all fuckin' night long. Go the hell to sleep, wake up with another fuckin' hard on, and fuck for a couple more hours, sleep, start process again.

Fuck my ex boyfriend Napoleon, then spit on his fuckin' face for all the bullshit he put me through. Yeah, I'm remembering the one year anniversary of our FAAAAABULOUS break up is next week.

Get stoned.

Fuck or be fucked by probably every black man I've laid eyes on in the last 24 hours. I'm that horny.

Act like I don' give a shit like Mister Bigshot who fuckin called me fat. Fuck you asshole. Lil dick muthafucka. People talk. You might got the body, but you got A BABY DICK!

Understand why the hell people are put on this Earth simply to cause pain, strife, and misery for everyone else. Seriously God, why?

Know how not to give a shit about what other people think and just do my thing.

Go to the White Party in New York and then Fire Island Black Out...

have Money! Tired of being broke!

Piss down the throats of all the fuckin' homophobes and then shove my fat ass cock up their ass so they know what it really means to get screwed over!

Move to some place where their are more out and proud Gay Black Men.

Suck W, X, Y, and Z's dicks till they bust a nutt all over my body. (No names here, I ain't that ig. Ask me, I might tell you though).

Redo my childhood, cause it really BLEW.

Punch a couple people in the face just for the principle they piss me off.

Thank REAL people in my life that have been kind and generous.

Have all these GODDAMN CLOSETED MUTHAS come out already. Grow a pair. If more of you were out, then life would be easier for the little people like me.

See my daddy again, because when died, we weren't speaking...

Apologize for the people I hurt that I do care about and have their forgiveness.

Fuck! (I'm horny. Can u tell???)

Gripe

It's Friday morning. Yippy fucking skippy. Naw, don't let me front and try to be all ecstatic about things...yes indeed, your boy is in a grumpy mood. Again. Just trying to sort things out in my head right now. I'm gonna do a post over on M.A.L.E. latter talking about lessons in manhood. Obviously I missed a few classes back in the day cause I let too much dumb shit bother me, when you know it is beyond my fucking control. I sense deep seeded issues are boiling to the surface.

In a moment og complete envy, I would give my right nutt to be like most of you guys who will read this and say I wish I could give to shits about the need or approval for others. Just be cold and distanct like the rest of my gender and just distance myself from any sense of closeness and compassion. Again, I missed a lesson somewhere. Don't mind me. I ain't trying to be rude. Actually that was a compliment. But you're seeing my fucking Achillies' heal.

Why is it men are the way we are? Huh? Really. Somebody give me an answer or a dollar so I can buy a fucking clue...

Regroup

trying to make today a better day than yesterday, but still frustrated as all get out. Lots of grinding of teeth today, but in a way, I'm smiling. Or is that a smirk I see? Either way there is an underlying passion working its way through, now the important thing is to take the message, use it, and do right by me. What's the old saying? "I can do bad by my damn self?" True that.

I've got some work to do this afternoon, and begrudgingly, I'ma do it. Not because I want to, but because I have to. See if I keep letting the impossible be possible, then I've achieved nothing. Learned nothing. And thanks to DKB, I saw something this morning that made me reevaluate where I've been and what I was doing. Still, all for the greater good.

Talkin' cryptic, yes, but I'm good. See it's time for the student to ask the master a question, take the lesson, and learn. Old Kidd here is not defeated, down, but not defeated...I will be in touch with those who need to be tapped on their insight soon enough.

For I close, I'm asking those who read this to say a special prayer for someone who is going through some pain right now. I won't say who, but when you left your eyes to the heavens, commune with the Divine, ask God to bless and watch over the person Ian asked you to watch out for. More than me, this person's world is being torn asunder and in my efforts yesterday, I partially made it worse. With the compassion I can give, I do ask humbly, for those of you who do have faith and pray, to pray for my "friend," that the Lord gives him guidance, comfort, and wisdom to NEVER give up...

-Ian

Alexander & theTerrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Warning. Long post. Read if you want, don't if you choose not. Mostly clearing my head of thoughts. By the way Alexander is one of my middle names, in case you were wondering. I loved this book as a kid.

Today, as I mentioned earlier blew chunks. Just plain sucked. True Blood was about the only highlight (Mechad's ass y'all). But other than that it's been a tenuous one, filled with shame, guilt, doubt, and fuck ups. Where to begin?

Woke up around three in the morning because I was having nightmares and tossing and turning. I got up, tried to do something that would make me fall back asleep. So I blogged a bit, did some blog reading when, wham-o, I had a full blown panic attack! I mean full fledged! Felt like the walls were closing in on me, started sweating, and freaking out. Had to get outta the house. I hopped in the car, went to the convenience store and grabbed a pack of smokes. Started driving east, when I said to myself, "I can't be out driving in this mess." Last night we had several storm fronts come through and the early hours roads were foggy.

So I turned my car around, ended up calling my best friend, waking his ass up, and I'm flipping out. In his ultra calm, macho manly man way, he talked me off the ledge and got me to go home put my ass back to bed. I did, but not before I smoked two more cigarettes.

Crashed until about 12:30 when my ex-wife called to check on me. She had no idea what was up, and I didn't wanna get into with her because she gets concerned, so I played it off like nothing was up. E.J. called me back then chewed me out for waking his ass up this morning, but said he was coming over to check up on my mental state of being. OK, I knew that meant lecture part two was coming.

So, as I do, I escape to the Internet, specifically Facebook, where I read a post from someone who was going through the storm as well. In my efforts to share that I was having a bad day and to give comfort to them things would be better, I ended up making the situation worse, which made me feel bad. D'oh! Fuck. I couldn't apologize, but I felt I had fucked up in a major way. Left that situation alone, doubt I can talk to that person ever again.

The next pitfall was talking to a friend about my recent departure from our time together. Said friend "read" me because he said my life was being consumed by some other people and that I was starting to fall off the deep end. I admitted to said friend that I hadn't meant to neglect him, but i could tell I had hurt him, although he wouldn't admit it. OK. Fuck up number three, if you're keeping track. So.....

Later in the afternoon, I was feel down, out, and emmasculated for a number of reasons (I'm not saying why) and I emailed another friend to pray fo r me because I felt I was about to have another panic attack. Just wanted to feel secure and safe. OK. God answers prayer, and good old Thomas outta the blue sent me a nice email to pick me up. (Thanks Thomas!) Feeling somewhat uplifted, I decided to call two of the guys I had been hollarin' at for the last minute. The didn't answer his phone. He was supposed to call me yesterday, but didn't. W'assup? Did I do something...shit. I tried three times to get ahold of him. Twice on his celly and once at home. Bupkis. OK, maybe he's at church or something.

Next decision...and this is mistake number five (phone call to Ole boy was #4)... was to call up the other cat. Now I know this is just a fantasy pipe dream. I know I'm not even an amateur player in boy's world, but he makes me feel good about myself, and if nothing else I know I have a good friend. Called him up, he was on the phone, but he told me to hold tight while he hung up with his boy. He clicked over and we chatted small talk for a minute, when another phone call came through. He put me on hold, and never came back. It rang back, I heard him pick up and he hung up on me. What the fuck? OK, I'm not calling back and looking like an asshole. I'm sure it was an accident, but it did bruise my ego. (I'll find out, they both read this blog occasionally).

Mistakes #6 and #7 happened when E.J. came over and he got up in my grill and gave me the fifth degree about how I'm acting about the parade of people I've been talking to in the last few months. I won't rehash it all, but I felt like was a worthless man-whore by the time he was finished.

By this point I was like, fuck it, I'm going out to see True Blood (I don't have HBO) and was playing on Facebook again. Thanks to Hector and D.J., they convinced me to take my black ass out and have fun. To quote D.J. exactly "What else do you have to do?"

There's more, but these are the highlights. Ain't it enough? Damn. Yeah, I'm being a whiny bitch tonight...

End of Days

On the day that I take my last breath, I hope it is quick and painless, noting prolonged and suffering. I hope that is an ordinary day, like any other. No fanfare, no major problems, just a simple day. I'd like the sun to have shown, maybe a gentle breeze in the air. Would like to say goodbye to my loved ones and say how much I appreciated them. Love to tell my friends how important they were to me. Give thanks to the people who gave me comfort and rest.

Do you ever stop to think of your own mortality? I know this might a sore subject right now given the amount deaths recently, but I gave pause today, despite the hardships, to think what if today were my last day. Would I be proud? Would I have accomplished everything I wanted to do? Would I have loved as much as I could? Given as much as I could? Tried as hard as I could?

Not one of my better moments...

When Ian fucks up,m Ian tends to fuck up big. When I fuck up, I tend to crucify myself to the Nth degree. This been a day of nothing but mistakes. Geez. Best intentions gone awry. I'm not gonna make anymore mistake for the rest of the day dammit. Promise.

Jon, sorry. Kishna, you right. Anybody else I pissed off or offended today?

Sinner's Prayer

I borrowed this from Thaddeus because I'm in a spot this morning...

My Sinner's Prayer:

A man in chains, by choices I have made, good and bad, still they remain. So I wait...to see how it lays...this bed of debts and promises I made. I'm a man in pain, looking back on the past...Lord may the good outweigh the bad. Well either way, I cannot stay, I know I'll have to leave it all behind some day. But on that day, hope that I can look you in the face.

Lord hear my prayer. May your grace find me there as I bow down. May your mercy abound.

Randomness @ 3 AM

Well its Sunday morning. I'm up because i was having fitful nightmares all night long and I couldn't sleep. Not feeling in the greatest of moods, but I refuse to complain about it. So I will attempt to charge through the day with positive thought, deed, and action even though I'm not feeling it.

Realizing that I will be going back to work in about a month and a half. Wow, that is if the States passes a budget. I might need to be looking for a new job. Scary. But it matters not, all my needs have been taken care of. Not ready to go back to work, but to be in the real world, huh...yeah Ian needs a fucking job. Can't be a fucking fat ass sitting around on disability now can I?

In other projects, I haven't blogged on some of the goals I'm achieving lately. Feels good to move in a forward direction for a change. Let's hope it last. Might talk more on the subject later. Not sure, because at the same token, I'm feeling a conflict in my spirit. Can't explain, or rather, I won't. Not right now. Not while I got potential to guide me....

Saturday Randomness

Haven't posted anything to the Axe in a few days, been busy with M.A.L.E. and networking. I still have my ear infection which doesn't seem to be going away, even with the antibiotics. Can't anything out the one ear except a constant ringing. Annoying as hell.

Trying to think of something noteworthy to pen, not much going. Did shopping and errands. Been exercising trying to loose the flab and felt sexy again. LOL. At some point before summer is over I'll be heading to Tennessee and Georgia, not sure when. Need to coordinate schedules with my boys. Gotta get outta PA, this place is closing in on me. Wish I had money to fly to Cali, but I have champagne and caviar dreams with a beer and sody cracka budget, so that ain't happening. Hell might not make to ATL! But its all good, because I know both my cats would come up here if I ask real nicely. Plus they knows I can thrown in the kitchen, and food is always a good enticement, right?

sick

I am not feeling well today. I have the chills and there's been a ringing in my ear for the last 12 hours. Decided I'm gonna stay in bed and sleep off whatever is wrong. I'm trying to catch up on the blogs, Twitter, Facebook, plus do correspondence...I can barely focus on the laptop screen.

For my friends who have my celly #, call me later to make sure I'm OK later.

Stalked!

This is the only time I am going to address this matter, then I am relinquishing to the Spirit to deal with it. Y'all, I am being cyber-stalked, have been for the past three days. Now I have not said one word to this person, nor have given them much thought, but I wish the person in question would leave me alone. I am just living my life and not thinking about them. But they keep being insistent calling my cell phone, texting me, or attempting to IM me. Why????

I will not call this person, but please just go do your thing and leave alone. And if you think that your threats are troubling me, they're not. I'm just making this clear:

1. I live next to the police department. I will call the police.

2. I have saved every threatening message, email, and text you've sent. I have proof, plus I have witnesses to back me up.

So with this said, I wish to leave this issue alone and go on about my life no ill will towards you. But if you force my hand, I will contact the authorities.....

POLICE.

Nuff Said.

Awww Yeah!

Today has shaped up to be a fantastic day and I think I got everything completed I set out to accomplish. Booyeah! Now that's what I'm talking about. Just a little positive attitude and the world seems to up doors where their were now. So July has definitely gotten off to a fantastic start.

Tomorrow I leave for Washington, got there for the Fourth, but I will be back home Saturday. Was gonna shoot straight through to Richmond for my Uncle's funeral, but I forget I have business to take of here at home, so I probably will leave Tuesday instead. Services aren't until Wednesday, so it means a lot of driving the next few days, but I don't mind. Need a change of venue.

My boy is gonna hit me up on Saturday, so I'm excited about that. Things are just flowing with absolute positivity right now. I can't believe how these last few days have been going. So a little bit of faith goes a long way. Stay vigilant, and the course will be set....

Rest

I'm tired. Period.