Need It, Want It, Gotta Have It!

*** While I gave this a label of *personal rant* label, this post is more a humorous poke at my state of being. Rest assured, I'm kewl. Just so my Fry Guy knows that. Yeah , I called you out again....read Brother, read.***
You know I love you brothers, right? Why is it the folks I know in Cyberspace can snap me outta my shit quicker than the folks I know in real time? Hm. I ask you?

My blogging brothers (and sisters) who've stopped by, left a comment, thanks goes out to you. Keep up with the comments. I do appreciate 'em.

Now I know I've been posting some finga snappin', witty-ass stuff lately, but believe me peeps, it's all a clever disguise. Lemme give you the inside scoop. Before I go off on my tangent, honorable mention thanks goes to Real for always, always, keepin' it real. He seems to be in tune with the ebbs and flow of my moods, reading in between the lines when I haven't said word the first! Cheeky monkey!Thanks brutha, you da man! Seriously.

Additional thanks also goes out ta Corey for listening to my side stories that don't get posted. A bastion of wisdom, Cor understands the triumphs, struggles, and ordeals I've been facing. Like I admitted to him recently, at 38, I thought I'd have arrived by now. Instead, well, I'm learning this is a process, learning you never really stop learning life's lessons. Your boy has been been backsliding. On the down escalator to gay adolescence. Never a good thing with me. Danger, danger, danger Will Robinson!

Make no mistake, I'm not sad. Far from it! Sexually frustrated is more like it. Rarely do I mention my sex life on the blog, save for the occasional instance on my celibacy. That doesn't mean I don't have burning, yearning, that's driving my ass crazy! Until this point, I've been reserved. Sexual discussion here seems a tad gauche. But my blog is about my life as I see fit to share and publish. Shouldn't be nothin but a thing to throw a few words atcha.

I wonder though, shouldn't I be reserved? For those who know me on the Outside, they know I'm frank, candid, and very forthcoming about sexual topics. I'm not nasty, but I have no problem discussing what do, have done, or wanna do. But here? My brothers, I didn'twant ya thinking I'm licentious, lascivious, and just plain damn oversexed. But you guys know I have that other blog, so you musta had some clue. Adina's Freak Like Me has been on my mind bad, LOL! "Freak in the morning, freak in the evening, rough neck brother that can satisfy me!" Indeed. That threshold was crossed months ago...

So what's your problem???

Well, there really isn't one. I informed Queen Hester, come Hell or High water, I'm not leaving 2008 without getting l-a-i-d. I plan on throwin celibacy out the damn window! Not that there haven't been opportunities recently, but after my oh-so-wonderful crash and burn break up with Napoleon back in August, my spirit need time to cleanse. Rid myself of all the negative energy. I was tired, am tired, of the meaningless casual sex (which is what sex with Naps amounted to). Yes, I wanna get my groove on, but I also want the love that's supposed to be attached with it. I want the real deal. Time to stop moanin' Keyshia's words 'bout love.

See here, I'll be totally honest, Napoleon took my heart when he left. But that nigga was no damn good. If I told you half the monkey shit I went through, your heads would be spinning. You'd wonder what took me until August to kick his sorry ass to the curb? Then again, you guys who have been entrenched in a man may you understand my sitch.

Love, even false love, is a powerful emotion. With Napolean, I loved him with every spare moment. Love worthy of self sacrifice love. Was willing to do things for this man I never thought I'd do. Make steps I thought I'd never take. But that relationship is gone.

Hell no! I don' miss his trifflin' ass. I could use every explicative I know in all three languages I speak and still wouldn't have enough. While I ask and pray God gives me the spirit to not speak ill of Napoleon, I personally hope I never lay eyes on mofo evah again. Eff that! Eff him! Whenever my resolve crumbles, I just remind myself of every bad habit he had, every ounce I poured into supporting him with little to no return, every tear I shed in vain, all the worry he caused when he'd disappear days on end with no contact, the shit he stole from me... I snap out of my illusion we had anything substantial. God bless him, but Napoleon is one sorry ass muthafucka!

So in August, after I slept with Naps for the last time... and I knew it was over cause the sex was just bad, I mean really, really, really, terrible...I put myself on that self-imposed celibacy wagon once more. Fast forward to now, December, and my libido is actin' out overtime. I've been handling my own, but a man can only stoke his own nut before the shit gets old.

Relief? I wanna creeeeeeeeeeeeeep! Yes, I said "No casual hook-ups. I'm waiting for the real deal," but damn fellas, tell how long you've stayed celibate in your adult life??? My hormones are itchin', time to scratch! Seeing my current straight crush, Gemini, every day don't help matters neither!

Solution? I'm three hours in any direction to Philly, DC, NYC, B-more, or Pittsburgh. All bets are off for the remainder of the year! You're dealing with a middle aged man in heat. Laugh if you wanna, but its soooo true. Besides, I know my body. I've never gone longer than six months without breaking down. At least not since I was 22 anyway. Dunno. Should be broadcasting my dirty laundry? Heh! I try to have some morals. Just because I'm a gay-, SGL-, whateverlabelyouwannagimme, man doesn't mean I need to be a heathen dawg.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Spiritual cleansing or no, I admit right here, right now, I need sex. My rational brain is shutting down; instinct is taking ovah! I need it, I want it, I gotta have it. And not the gentle lovemakin' kind. I mean the really dirty, sweaty, make you walk crooked the next day cause the-freak-was soooo-good kind.

Laugh with me. Part of this is in jest, part grounded in truth. In all practicality, I'm just ready to move on with this year. Ready for the Oh-Nine. 2008 licked my butt good. Time now to regroup, evaluate my past mistakes, and get my head on straight. The next few months the real adventure begins. I'll be going back to work. A decent man will step into my life. Gosh (Oh how Poindexter!) I might even marry again; have those obnoxious progeny my mum keeps wishing for me to have. With the end of this year, ends the Napoleonic Saga. Yes, Waterloo has arrived. I was so stuck. Mired down. I allowed that arsehole to take my glory.

The moral to my little story here? I'm ready for the next stage of life to begin. You know I miss going to the clubs. Miss traveling. Miss being my care free, sassy, but oh-so-wonderful self. I need only be patient. Yours truly don't need shagging the first man come along to find worth and happiness. I get too emotionally attached. Like my fave song says, "Take the time, do it right, we can do it, baby do it tonight." Well, maybe not tonight, but soon....LOL. Thanks for reading my humorous rant.

-Ian.